Day 177: Ana - I Failed You

This blog is part of my Eating Disorder Series that I am walking, and specifically in continuation to: Day 167: The Big Fall  and Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and consider myself to be a failure for not having been able to push through within continuing to participate within my Eating Disorder

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have interpred my "Big Fall" as the confirmation point that I am a failure and will never get anywhere in Life because I can't stick to anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed all my self-worth and self-value within this one point of pursuing and maintaining an Eating Disorder where I placed all my hopes into this one point and thus when I didn't persevere in this one point as ED I deemed myself as a complete failure and waste of space and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone and stuffed myself to confirm / affirm that I am a failure and I will never get anywhere so I might as well stuff myself to shit as "if I'm not going to get anywhere in Life I might as well enjoy stuffing myself and getting an energy high from food"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have locked myself into a mode of self-defeat from that day onwards -- where whatever I do and whatever I participate in, it is never good enough and I will never be good enough because I have already proven to myself that I can't commit to something to a point of completion

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my Eating Disorder did not end that day but merely took a 180 turn where I went into the opposite polarity of 'not caring what I eat' and 'stuffing myself' where I then only cared about the energetic experience / charge I would get from eating tasty food which is again eating from a Mind perspective and not actually taking into consideration what foods would actually assist and support my body and thus still existing within a pattern of self-destruction and self-neglect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after my 'Big Fall' have gone into a polarity experience whereby I now stuffed myself with all the foods I had denied myself for so long and gaining lots of weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that my relationship towards food and eating was now one of 'Not caring' as if I was totally "cool" and "fine" with eating whatever I wanted and carried this attitude from a point of superiority in terms of "Look at me, I'm not superficial, I don't care about this whole "be skinny thing" just eat what you like and love yourself" -- not seeing and realising that I had taken on this attitude from a starting point of Spite wherein I wanted to push away / say 'fuck you' in the face of anorexia as if I was "over it" and where anorexia wasn't "good enough for me" wherein I took on a diminishing / demeaning stance towards anorexia/bulimia/ed to hide the fact that it was actually I who felt rejected, diminished, demeaned and not good enough in face of Anorexia as I had failed -- but instead put up a 'tough front' in order to not having to face these feelings and hiding from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a stance of 'I don't care' towards food and eating as an easy way out / quick fix for not having to deal with my inner turmoil

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have given myself the time and space to properly work through this point but instead allowed myself to drag this burden around for years without seeing and realising how much this memory/experience was still affecting me within my every day life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I failed maintaining an Eating Disorder that this means that I am a failure

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that having and maintaining an Eating Disorder is not sustainable and would have ended at some point or another as in the end the Physical perishes in order to maintain one's imagination and fantasies of being skinny

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that not persevering with an Eating Disorder does not automatically imply that I am a failure, but is a decision that I made for myself within myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I do not have to see / define / experience myself as a failure for not having persevered within pursuing/maintaining an Eating Disorder

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only thing I failed at was valuing myself as a Being rather than an image/picture presentation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have only valued myself in so far that I could stick within maintaining an Eating Disorder instead of valuing myself as Life

Related articles

• Day 172: My Dirty Little Secret
• Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia
• Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
• Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me
• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin

Day 78: Self-Rejection

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked by my brother and sister, because I perceived them to be ‘more’ than me within being ‘older’ and within being able to ‘read and write’ – which I saw as two major access points into participating within this world, as words are everywhere and I at that time did not yet have access to this part of reality, but they did – where I accepted and allowed myself to define them within myself as ‘superior’ for having this skill/ability and within that defined myself as ‘inferior’ inside myself within not being able to read/write or even understand English

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to show that I was unable to follow the show because I was not able to understand English nor read the Dutch subtitles and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had defined myself as ‘stupid’ and ‘less than’ within not being able to read/understand English and so not being able to ‘pick up’ on the humorous points within the show

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to hide that I was not able to understand the humour because I was unable to read or understand English – where I wanted my siblings to see me as an ‘equal’ whereas I saw myself as ‘weak’ for not being able to read or understand English, where I feared that if this were to become ‘public knowledge’, that they would reject me from their group and that I would be left alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘prove’ myself to my brother and sister and show that I can do what they can and participate within the same things within the starting point of fear as being left behind – where I faked being able to do what they were able to do to seek acceptance and validation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have closely monitored my brother and sisters behaviour while watching the show so that I would laugh when they laughed, to pretend that I was able to understand what was going on and that I liked the same things they liked – so I could be part of the group

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to closely monitor my brother and sister’s reactions as laughter so that I could ‘pick up’ when something funny was happening and quickly ‘join in’ as to not feel being left out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when my brother and sister laughed to check whether I’d laugh just because they were laughing – have gone into anger and embarrassment within realising what just happened, where my ‘game’ had just been exposed and where I felt weak, inferior and clueless – but where instead of looking at my reaction and the nature of my behaviour – went into anger and blame where I saw their actions as mean and deliberate, where I blamed them for the way I was experiencing

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the reason why I went into anger, blame, inferiority – was not because of my brother and sister – but because what I was doing had just been openly exposed, where I already before anything happened was judging myself for my inability to read / understand English and thus unable to understand the humour – and where within that moment of them exposing me, these inherent feelings came out more intensified – but instead of taking self-responsibility I placed the responsibility within the hands of my brother and sister within “them making me feel this way” – without seeing and realising that the anger is only here because I already knew what I was doing towards myself within the relationship that I was busy creating towards myself, but did not do anything about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have blamed my brother and sister for how I was experiencing myself within the belief/perception/idea that they had done ‘injustice’ unto me – without seeing and realising that I was the one being unjust with myself within making myself feel dumb, stupid, weak, inadequate and inferior – and where they within that moment merely triggered these already existent emotions/definitions inside myself to come up to the surface – and so I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let go of this memory and the anger as negative energy attached to this memory – as I now see/realise/understand that this moment was merely an opportunity for me to see and realise what I had been doing to myself, but where I did not take responsibility for myself and my experience and also could not have within not having been taught the proper tools to deal with my own inner reality – and so I allow myself to let go of this memory as the various energies attached to it and embrace what happened as me within seeing/realising what happened and what requires to be done on my part to sort myself out


When and as I see myself accessing the idea that ‘older age’ means that someone is ‘more than’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is an idea that older people like to implement/use because It gives them an advantage as an unquestioned authority to keep doing what they’re doing without having anyone question them just on this point of ‘age’ and so I commit myself to let go of all value/meaning I attached to the point of someone being ‘older’ so that I can stop manipulating myself into submission just because of this belief

When and as I see myself accessing the belief that someone who can read and write is ‘more than’ someone who is not able to read and write – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that reading and writing are not skills one are born with, but skills that require to be taught within consistency – and so this does not carry any form of ‘inherent value’ as whether one is able to read and write is dependent on the environment one finds themselves within and what stage in life one is – and so I commit myself to let go of this value system/belief and when faced with this point to breathe and ground myself within my human physical body

When and as I see myself reacting within inferiority when faced with a skill/ability that I have not yet integrated as myself but that others have – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that having this skill is dependent on practice and so there is no point of impose inferiority unto myself as these only limits me and so I commit myself to take on the practice of the skill/ability that I am faced with within the realisation that this skill/ability doesn’t just come ‘out of nowhere’ but takes time, dedication and support to develop

When and as I see myself reacting within shame and embarrassment with regards to not having mastered a particular skill and where I want to hide this – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that if I am going to hide my inability to do something, then I am only going to keep myself within not being able to do something – and so I commit myself to stop participating within shame, embarrassment, judgment and so in hiding – as I see/realise/understand that there is no need for any form of judgment and that hiding is in fact counterproductive – instead I set myself up to open up the point of wanting to learn this new skill/ability and allow myself to move/grow instead of judging myself and holding on to my self-limitation

When and as I see myself access the belief that if one does not know a particular skill/ability that one will be rejected/left alone – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this belief merely reflects my attitude towards myself where I reject myself within being unable to do something, and so it is and has never been about ‘me proving myself to others’ – but ‘me proving myself to me’ within the belief that there was something wrong with me and within that very statement reject myself – and so I commit myself to stop participating within this belief and fear and commit myself to investigate the nature of my self-rejection and address it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I see myself wanting to or being busy monitoring others’ behaviour within ‘looking for clues’ on how to act – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this merely indicate insecurities within myself and so I commit myself to stop participating within this pattern, breathe, ground myself here as my human physical body and investigate the nature of the insecurity within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I see myself shaping/moulding my behaviour in order to be able to be part of a group – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that me wanting to change/mould myself and my expression indicate a problem with my self-relationship within and towards myself and so I commit myself to stop participating within this pattern – breathe, be here within and as my human physical body and investigate /take apart the point within writing and Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I see myself reacting within anger, frustration, embarrassment, shame, inferiority to something another says or does and within that go into an immediate movement of blame – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this moving into blame is me not taking responsibility for myself and my inner reality/relationship with myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and so I commit myself to be grateful for this event/situation as an opportunity to get to know myself better and re-construct my relationship with myself to one that is Best for All Life