Day 83: Sweet! I can get Angry now

This blog is related to:

Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie
Day 78: Self-Rejection
Day 79: What Have I Done?
Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2

A few days ago Gian went to turn in our tablet because it wasn’t charging anymore. He took out the sim-card because it still had internet data on it that we could use on the farm while the tablet was getting fixed.

Then later, when I asked where the sim was, he couldn’t find it – he’d lost it.

When I realised that he had made a mistake, I saw it was no big deal. He’d lost the sim, we’d get a new one and transfer the data, and then he won’t make the mistake again. But then there was this other side, which was going “Sweet, now I can get all angry at him and make a big deal about it for all those times when he’s gotten mad at me for making a mistake”. But then I looked at the thought and saw that this just made no sense at all, I’d rather not make a big deal out of it, and just sort it out as that’s what I would like for myself – so that I don’t create a situation of ‘fear of making mistakes’ – but rather just walk through the consequence of having to go to town and paying for a new sim and transfer and then that’s a nice reminder to not lose simcards again lol.

When we were talking about what we were going to blog about, I shared with him what I wrote here, and then I saw how it was actually the exact same point I wrote about in Day 76, Day 77, Day 78, Day 79 and Day 80 – where I worked on the point of ‘doing unto another as has been done unto you’ – where in this case, I wanted to get angry – not because I was angry – but because I could get angry, where I reasoned that I could now get angry just so I could get back at Gian for all the times he’s gotten angry, where I perceived it as completely unnecessary and him just making a big deal out of it just for the sake of making a big deal out of it. So now that I saw that he’d lost the sim, and was a bit distressed about the thing – my mind went “Hmm, perfect moment to make a big deal where he can take it nice and personal”.

It was cool to just disregard the thoughts, because they were obviously stupid – and cool to see how this point of ‘getting back’ at people pops up in different ways with different faces.

So here specifically the points of ‘getting back’ stood out, and then the point where I wanted him to take it ‘nice and personal’ – which then reflects back to me that I still blame him for me having taken things personal in the past where he’d gotten angry at me for making mistakes.

Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements to Follow…

Related articles

• Day 20: Angry People - Anger and Me - Part 5
• Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2
• Day 16: Anger and Me - Introduction
• Day 18: Angry at the World - Anger and Me - Part 3
• Day 29: Fear of Speaking - Part 1
• Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
• Day 59: What are you Laughing at?
• Day 51: Shocking Sounds
• Day 114: The Dream Character Self Forgiveness Statements

Day 33: Fear of Speaking - Part 5

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within moments where I want to say something to another which is 'against the grain' of what the person just said / did -- go into fear of how what I want to say might influence the other person's view / opinion of me -- where I will accept and allow myself to not speak from the starting point of fear as 'what if the person is not going to like me anymore if I say this'


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a little politician character inside my head, where whenever I want to say something I will first stop and consider how what I am about say might influence the other person's view of me -- where I want the other person to like me and not affect their 'liking score' of me negatively, and so I will rather keep quiet and say nothing even when the other person is acting / speaking in a way which is abusive, just so I can comfort myself that they 'still like me'


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me deciding not to speak in a moment where I see clearly that another as me is not behaving in a way which is best for All and in fact being harmful, just because I want them to 'like' -- makes me as guilty of being harmful and abusive in the face of Life as within the moment of not speaking I am showing that I will not stand up for Life for the sake of 'being liked'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave myself according to 'wanting to be liked' instead of the principle of 'What is Best for All' -- where I will abusive behaviour go by 'unnoticed' because I fear the other person will not like me anymore if I say something about it, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value maintaining the popularity of my character and my 'PR' more than Life -- which is the only thing worth valuing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is 'normal' to want other people to 'like you' -- where it is acceptable and totally justified to act in a particular way if it means that it will get people to like you, without ever questioning the implications and consequences of such a principle, where within the moment of 'wanting to be liked' and acting upon it, one is giving permission to the Abuse of Life because one will do anything to maintain one's "popularity" -- even if it means that others get hurt just so one can be assured that they are still liked


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise, that me giving permission to others to act in a way which is not best for all, from the starting point of not wanting to be disliked, where others may get hurt in the process for the sake of me feeling good about myself -- is also me giving permission for others to act in a way which may hurt me for the sake of someone else being able to maintain their 'likes'


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me not speaking within a moment where I see something is not 'right' as something which is not conductive to what is Best for All Life -- is me actually stabbing myself in the back as self-compromise -- because even though I may have achieved the other person to not 'like me less' -- I am now disliking myself for not speaking -- so what's the point?

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to investigate the nature of 'wanting to be liked' unconditionally and what it implies, and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to thoroughly investigate the value systems which I have created and incorporated within myself -- and to deconstruct these and re-prioritize my values within valuing what is Best for All Life ALWAYS

My Agreement - Making a Decision

I've been in an Agreement with Gian for about 2 years and 9 months now.

Here I share some points that I found to be 'fundamental' within walking Process in Agreement...

I remember the day that Bernard spoke to me about entering an Agreement, that I should first ask myself the question whether I am willing to commit myself to a single being for 'eternity'.

This stirred-up a lot of points within me, mostly in relation to ideas I had formed about concepts such as'marriage' and 'freedom' and 'commitment'. Though now I can see how starting with the disentanglement of that particular single point from the beginning - I started establishing the foundation upon which the Agreement that I later on entered was going to be built.

What was clear to me at that point in my process was the following: Process is going to have to be walked by everyone, everyone is a 'reflection' of me, we're all in this mess together - so one has to be able to walk an Agreement with anyone/everyone - as everyone shares all points, and all points have to be taken responsibility for.

So when the point opened up of entering into an Agreement with Gian, the points where I saw that I resisted (which was certain characteristics/personality traits within Gian) - I knew were not 'valid reasons' to 'not go there' - as I understood the point that I have to be able to walk with anyone, so why not Gian?

In the early stages of the Agreement, I had many moments where I wanted to 'give-up' and just say 'no'.
Where I thought I couldn't take it anymore, it was just not working, how am I ever going to get through this?
Then as I want to speak the words or discuss the point - I saw that this would be self-dishonest, self-defeating. Because all I would be doing was giving up on myself, saying 'I can't change' and giving up on my partner saying that 'he can't change'. While if you look at it from a commonsense perspective: even if I do end the Agreement due to the current points I am facing and my experience thereof - I am still going to have to push through & transcend the exact same points - so really, there was no point in 'ending' the Agreement as this would only be an attempt to 'postpone' the 'inevitable' and thus create a timeloop. The points are here - might as well face them as they come.

Then there was many times where I would wander off and play with the idea of entering an Agreement with someone else, trying to convince myself that 'it was just not working with Gian' and 'it will go better/easier with this or that person'. While again - if I had to look at it from a common sense perspective - we are all copies. And the points that I am currently facing where I go into 'escapism' in the form of desiring an Agreement with someone else, I am going to have to face with any other person anyway! Because, like I said, we are all copies, and secondly, I am still going to be stuck with, yes, exactly = me! So my experience is going to be the exact same just with a different person in front of me. So again, another reason to end the Agreement defeated.

The 'Dynamic' of the Agreement was also something that was/is quite challenging. In many ways, Gian and I are opposites - where our strong and weak points are each other's polarities. So, in the beginning = we were not equal. We weren't programmed as 'equal'. For instance, my strong points and skills rest more on the intellectual side - which is Gian's weak point. Whereas Gian's strong point is his enthusiasm, innocence and ability to 'move' things and not being able to hold things in (whatever is bothering him, it'll come out some way or another) - which is my weak point. [Together we're a team! lol]. So as we walk, I assist him with his weak points, get them to a point of effectiveness and he'll do the same for me and so we 'equalize' each other.

Where one can either 'take it personal' that one's being assisted with their weak point - or just accept that that's the way you've been programmed, be real about and allow yourself to change.

That's all for now - I will share more in the days to come.