Day 78: Self-Rejection

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked by my brother and sister, because I perceived them to be ‘more’ than me within being ‘older’ and within being able to ‘read and write’ – which I saw as two major access points into participating within this world, as words are everywhere and I at that time did not yet have access to this part of reality, but they did – where I accepted and allowed myself to define them within myself as ‘superior’ for having this skill/ability and within that defined myself as ‘inferior’ inside myself within not being able to read/write or even understand English

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to show that I was unable to follow the show because I was not able to understand English nor read the Dutch subtitles and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had defined myself as ‘stupid’ and ‘less than’ within not being able to read/understand English and so not being able to ‘pick up’ on the humorous points within the show

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to hide that I was not able to understand the humour because I was unable to read or understand English – where I wanted my siblings to see me as an ‘equal’ whereas I saw myself as ‘weak’ for not being able to read or understand English, where I feared that if this were to become ‘public knowledge’, that they would reject me from their group and that I would be left alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘prove’ myself to my brother and sister and show that I can do what they can and participate within the same things within the starting point of fear as being left behind – where I faked being able to do what they were able to do to seek acceptance and validation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have closely monitored my brother and sisters behaviour while watching the show so that I would laugh when they laughed, to pretend that I was able to understand what was going on and that I liked the same things they liked – so I could be part of the group

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to closely monitor my brother and sister’s reactions as laughter so that I could ‘pick up’ when something funny was happening and quickly ‘join in’ as to not feel being left out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when my brother and sister laughed to check whether I’d laugh just because they were laughing – have gone into anger and embarrassment within realising what just happened, where my ‘game’ had just been exposed and where I felt weak, inferior and clueless – but where instead of looking at my reaction and the nature of my behaviour – went into anger and blame where I saw their actions as mean and deliberate, where I blamed them for the way I was experiencing

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the reason why I went into anger, blame, inferiority – was not because of my brother and sister – but because what I was doing had just been openly exposed, where I already before anything happened was judging myself for my inability to read / understand English and thus unable to understand the humour – and where within that moment of them exposing me, these inherent feelings came out more intensified – but instead of taking self-responsibility I placed the responsibility within the hands of my brother and sister within “them making me feel this way” – without seeing and realising that the anger is only here because I already knew what I was doing towards myself within the relationship that I was busy creating towards myself, but did not do anything about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have blamed my brother and sister for how I was experiencing myself within the belief/perception/idea that they had done ‘injustice’ unto me – without seeing and realising that I was the one being unjust with myself within making myself feel dumb, stupid, weak, inadequate and inferior – and where they within that moment merely triggered these already existent emotions/definitions inside myself to come up to the surface – and so I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let go of this memory and the anger as negative energy attached to this memory – as I now see/realise/understand that this moment was merely an opportunity for me to see and realise what I had been doing to myself, but where I did not take responsibility for myself and my experience and also could not have within not having been taught the proper tools to deal with my own inner reality – and so I allow myself to let go of this memory as the various energies attached to it and embrace what happened as me within seeing/realising what happened and what requires to be done on my part to sort myself out


When and as I see myself accessing the idea that ‘older age’ means that someone is ‘more than’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is an idea that older people like to implement/use because It gives them an advantage as an unquestioned authority to keep doing what they’re doing without having anyone question them just on this point of ‘age’ and so I commit myself to let go of all value/meaning I attached to the point of someone being ‘older’ so that I can stop manipulating myself into submission just because of this belief

When and as I see myself accessing the belief that someone who can read and write is ‘more than’ someone who is not able to read and write – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that reading and writing are not skills one are born with, but skills that require to be taught within consistency – and so this does not carry any form of ‘inherent value’ as whether one is able to read and write is dependent on the environment one finds themselves within and what stage in life one is – and so I commit myself to let go of this value system/belief and when faced with this point to breathe and ground myself within my human physical body

When and as I see myself reacting within inferiority when faced with a skill/ability that I have not yet integrated as myself but that others have – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that having this skill is dependent on practice and so there is no point of impose inferiority unto myself as these only limits me and so I commit myself to take on the practice of the skill/ability that I am faced with within the realisation that this skill/ability doesn’t just come ‘out of nowhere’ but takes time, dedication and support to develop

When and as I see myself reacting within shame and embarrassment with regards to not having mastered a particular skill and where I want to hide this – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that if I am going to hide my inability to do something, then I am only going to keep myself within not being able to do something – and so I commit myself to stop participating within shame, embarrassment, judgment and so in hiding – as I see/realise/understand that there is no need for any form of judgment and that hiding is in fact counterproductive – instead I set myself up to open up the point of wanting to learn this new skill/ability and allow myself to move/grow instead of judging myself and holding on to my self-limitation

When and as I see myself access the belief that if one does not know a particular skill/ability that one will be rejected/left alone – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this belief merely reflects my attitude towards myself where I reject myself within being unable to do something, and so it is and has never been about ‘me proving myself to others’ – but ‘me proving myself to me’ within the belief that there was something wrong with me and within that very statement reject myself – and so I commit myself to stop participating within this belief and fear and commit myself to investigate the nature of my self-rejection and address it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I see myself wanting to or being busy monitoring others’ behaviour within ‘looking for clues’ on how to act – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this merely indicate insecurities within myself and so I commit myself to stop participating within this pattern, breathe, ground myself here as my human physical body and investigate the nature of the insecurity within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I see myself shaping/moulding my behaviour in order to be able to be part of a group – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that me wanting to change/mould myself and my expression indicate a problem with my self-relationship within and towards myself and so I commit myself to stop participating within this pattern – breathe, be here within and as my human physical body and investigate /take apart the point within writing and Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I see myself reacting within anger, frustration, embarrassment, shame, inferiority to something another says or does and within that go into an immediate movement of blame – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this moving into blame is me not taking responsibility for myself and my inner reality/relationship with myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and so I commit myself to be grateful for this event/situation as an opportunity to get to know myself better and re-construct my relationship with myself to one that is Best for All Life

 

Day 76: Wanting to be Liked

When I was a small kid, we were spending our holiday in Spain and at some point we went to a restaurant to eat. While we were there (or previously in the car) my brother and sister taught me the word ‘fuck’ (but it was in Dutch). Well, they didn’t really *teach me*, they taught me how to pronounce it and that it was some sort of verb and other than that all I knew was that each time I said it, they would giggle and laugh a lot. So I was like cool, when I say this, they laugh so that must mean they like me.

Afterwards in the restaurant, I took salted peanuts out of the little bowls that they had on the bar, and I would go to random people saying “If you fuck me I will give you a peanut” – now remember I had NO idea what I was saying – all I knew was that my brother and sister were having a ball, so I felt encouraged to keep saying the word and go to people, thinking “yay, they like me!”.

Then when we were busy leaving the restaurant, just before we went into the car, my mom asked me what I was doing, and I showed her the peanuts in my hand like I had done previously and again said “if you fuck me I will give you a peanut” – and there my mom went into a complete shock , her face went all red, and she gave me a little tap/slap across the check saying “STOP THAT” – “DON’T SAY THAT AGAIN!!”. So now at this point, obviously, my brother and sister were having SO MUCH fun, laughing at what was going on, I was just saying to my mom “fuck me, fuck me fuck me” -- and would keep doing it just because my brother and sister were having such a laugh – without having any idea what, what I was saying meant or what it implied.


We would also watch the Simpsons at home, which was the original English version, with Dutch subtitles – though I couldn’t read yet back then and didn’t understand any English.

So we’d then be sitting in the lounge and watch the Simpsons, and I remember them sitting in the couch behind me while I was sitting closer to the tv on the wooden floor. Because I couldn’t read and couldn’t understand English yet, I was using my brother and sister as a reference for ‘what is funny’. Each time they would start laughing, I would quickly join in the laughter like “HAHAHAHAHA yea that’s funny” while I actually had no idea what was going on or why they were laughing. This was because I didn’t want to show that I didn’t knew what was going on because I looked up to my brother and sister because they could already read and understand humour. And I also wanted to make myself feel ‘a part’ of something, where I felt that ‘laughing together’ created some form of ‘bond’ or ‘connection’ because it’s something that “just happens” where different people just laugh at the same time.

Since I would always laugh with a little delay (bc I would only start laughing once I could hear them laugh) to what was happening on the tv and kind of do it in an exaggerated way to ‘cover up’ that I don’t know what’ – it must have been pretty clear to them that I was completely clueless. So then they would start playing this game where they would both start laughing at the same time during an episode, while nothing funny was happening and then obviously I would immediately go HAHAHAHAH YEA SO FUNNY!! -- and then I was busted, because I was laughing while there was nothing funny and then they would start laughing at me for having felt for their ‘bait’. There I mostly got angry and disappointed because I felt embarrassed and betrayed – like, “how could they do this to me? That is so mean! “ And then I’d become more hesitant to laugh when they were laughing because now I couldn’t be sure whether they meant it or just wanted to trick.

Then, yeeeaars later, we were staying over at one of our aunts, and we were watching the Simpsons on tv. My little nephew (or is it cousin? Not sure) was sitting close to the tv while I was sitting behind him on the couch, and as the Simpsons started, you know you have that little intro that is different each time and is supposed to be “funny” – I started to laugh REAL HARD while nothing funny was happening, and I saw my nephew/cousin quickly look back to me and then back to the tv and go HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and do a really exaggerated laugh. I’d then started “really” laughing and then he got what I did and his faced change to being all upset/grumpy. While he was doing to exaggerated laugh, I for a moment felt good, like “gotcha” – where I was now in the position where my brother and sister had been previously, and could experience this what I perceived as ‘superiorness’ – but then as I looked at my nephew/cousin and saw how his face changed, I suddenly felt sooooo ashamed and cheated – because I had just done unto him what had been done unto me, as something I really did not enjoy. And then I couldn’t handle my own uncomfortableness and went to hide by my mom while eating stuff to distract me from my experience.

So what I found interesting about these memories is how clear it is as a child what you are doing, where you know you are doing something deliberately for the sake of the ‘feel good’ experience as ‘validation’, where in this case I was looking at ‘laughter’ as a point of personal validation as if that meant people liked me. Where I was willing to do whatever to make people like me – and then also how within perceiving myself as ‘not being liked’ – go into the nastiness/spitefulness of making another feel the same way.

Some interesting stuff to work with here – Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to Follow

Related articles

• Day 59: What are you Laughing at?
• Day 17: Betrayal - Anger and Me - Part 2
• Day 67: You can HEAR me?!
• Day 13 - Fear of Failure - Anxiety and Me - Part 3
• Day 57: Sound of Laughter

Day 34: Fear of Speaking - The End

When and as I want to say something to someone and see myself going into fear within accessing memories of the past -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely accessing and recycling memories from the past and thus not being here, where I am attempting to impose past experiences as memories unto the current moment and within that altering/modifying the present moment into something which it is not -- and so I commit myself to within those moments take a deep breath and simply speak, and to break the pattern of the past through me being here

When and as I see myself going into fear when wanting to say something which is against the grain of what another just said / did -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise how I have created this fear and realise that I do not have to be in fear, since I have seen and realised for myself how this construct works and how it does not serve -- thus I stop and I speak

When and as I see myself going into fear of becoming emotional -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that within fearing becoming emotional, I am in fact stating that I am not the directive principle and that I am a victim of my emotions -- and so I stop this fear and trust myself as the directive principle and I commit myself to unconditionally be here and walk through the event

When and as I see myself going into the 'Fear of Speaking Character' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that within participating in the 'Fear of Speaking Character' I am being untrue to myself and diminishing myself little by little -- revealing to myself how little self-worth and self-respect I have for myself -- and since this is something I do not want for myself, I stop and I speak

When and as I see myself being disappointed with myself for having accessed and played out the 'Fear of Speaking Character' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have built/created this character over time, memory by memory -- and thus it is going to take an equal process of deconstruction - removing the layers of information as memories and practically living the correction over and over again until I have re-aligned the Fear of Speaking Character as myself to what is Best for All Life

When and as I see myself going into the fear of 'what if the person is gonna come back at me' when wanting to speak -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that if I give in to this fear I am only ever going to remain a limited version of myself which will always give into fear and never give herself a break, and since this is something I do not want to live I commit myself to breathe through the fear and speak unconditionally no matter the reaction / outcome / response of the other person -- because no matter what they say, at least I know I have been true to myself within allowing myself to speak

When and as I see myself accessing ideas about how conversations are supposed to go and what I should be like -- I stop and I breathe, I see and realise that I am limiting myself within wanting to act according to how I think things *should be* -- where if I see myself being unable to attain this particular idea, I hold back -- within that I commit myself to let go of all preconceived ideas of how things should be and should go and commit myself to unconditionally walk through an event without fearing the outcome

When and as I see myself accessing the fear of being embarrassed -- I stop and I breath -- I see and realise that the fear of embarrassment merely indicates that I am facing a point which I have not yet embraced as myself, and so I commit myself to unconditionally walk through the point / event and within doing so embrace the point of embarrassment and see / realise that I am the creator of the embarrassment and there is nothing to be embarrassed about

When and as I see myself pointing fingers to another as if they are the reason / cause of my inner experience -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am deflecting taking self-responsibility and so I stop and direct myself as my inner experience and take responsibility for my own creation

I commit myself to purify my vocabulary to one that is Best for All and within purifying my vocabulary purifying myself to live words that are best for all

When and as I see myself reaching for the past as memories to tell me what to do -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that by relying on the past as memories to tell me what to do I am never going to get anywhere as I am only recycling the past into the present -- Instead I commit myself to breath and trust myself to direct myself within common sense practicality

When and as I see myself judging myself as a child for not being able to respond to a particular situation -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I had not been given / taught practical tools on how to deal with any and all situations where emotional possession is one of them -- and so there is no point in judging myself as within judging myself I am only further limiting myself and keeping myself from expanding and learning from my mistakes

When and as I see myself taking it personal when a person reacts emotionally to something I said or did -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that the other person's reaction is created by them and has got nothing to do with me / who I am, and that I merely functioned as a trigger within that moment which brought up to the surface something which was already existent within them before I opened my mouth / did something

I commit myself to establish a Society which understands the role the Mind plays and how the Mind functions -- where the functioning of the Mind is part of basic education so that children may be taught how their own mind and that of others works so they can see for themselves what happens when someone gets emotionally possessed, can see how it happened and see that it is not their fault

I commit myself to expose how children currently are only taught garbage and no practical Life skills whatsoever which they can use and apply every day in their Life to assist and support themselves -- and where any point of emotional stability only gets addressed with medication to be suppressed and so the root / cause never gets investigated / discovered / discussed -- where we end up in a world where no human really knows how they function and find themselves as victims to their own mind unable to take self-responsibility

When and as I see myself holding back on saying something within accessing the fear of 'how is this going to influence their opinion of me?' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this attitude does not serve me or anyone else, as I've seen / realised / understood that not speaking for the sake of maintaining someone's opinion of me is a permission to abuse -- and since I do not want to stand for abuse I will not stand for not speaking for the sake of 'being liked' -- and so I commit myself to walk through the fear and simply speak as I know that if I don't I will regret it anyway and be disappointed with myself -- and within that create that exactly which I feared, which is someone not liking me -- and that person is ME

When and as I see myself wanting to let something potentially harmful go by unnoticed, because I fear that if I will speak that the person involved might not like me anymore -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this thinking pattern is completely unacceptable and that me allowing abuse for the sake of me maintaining my 'image' is completely ludicrous, as I am allowing something REAL to get damaged for the sake of up keeping an ILLUSION which only exists in my head

I commit myself to investigate and expose the consequences of the politics/popularity game – where people and beings get hurt as a result/consequence of someone’s popularity game within ‘wanting to be liked’ – where we will allow abuse for the sake of people liking us while this should be of no value whatsoever because what is the point of being liked by people who abuse / allow abuse anyway?

I commit myself to investigate the nature of ‘wanting to be liked’ within myself unconditionally as I see that this is not only self-destructive but destructive to the environment as a whole and within that I commit myself to restructure my values and priorities to always respect and maintain what is Best for All Life instead of only caring about what’s best for my own created personal illusion

Day 33: Fear of Speaking - Part 5

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within moments where I want to say something to another which is 'against the grain' of what the person just said / did -- go into fear of how what I want to say might influence the other person's view / opinion of me -- where I will accept and allow myself to not speak from the starting point of fear as 'what if the person is not going to like me anymore if I say this'


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a little politician character inside my head, where whenever I want to say something I will first stop and consider how what I am about say might influence the other person's view of me -- where I want the other person to like me and not affect their 'liking score' of me negatively, and so I will rather keep quiet and say nothing even when the other person is acting / speaking in a way which is abusive, just so I can comfort myself that they 'still like me'


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me deciding not to speak in a moment where I see clearly that another as me is not behaving in a way which is best for All and in fact being harmful, just because I want them to 'like' -- makes me as guilty of being harmful and abusive in the face of Life as within the moment of not speaking I am showing that I will not stand up for Life for the sake of 'being liked'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave myself according to 'wanting to be liked' instead of the principle of 'What is Best for All' -- where I will abusive behaviour go by 'unnoticed' because I fear the other person will not like me anymore if I say something about it, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value maintaining the popularity of my character and my 'PR' more than Life -- which is the only thing worth valuing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is 'normal' to want other people to 'like you' -- where it is acceptable and totally justified to act in a particular way if it means that it will get people to like you, without ever questioning the implications and consequences of such a principle, where within the moment of 'wanting to be liked' and acting upon it, one is giving permission to the Abuse of Life because one will do anything to maintain one's "popularity" -- even if it means that others get hurt just so one can be assured that they are still liked


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise, that me giving permission to others to act in a way which is not best for all, from the starting point of not wanting to be disliked, where others may get hurt in the process for the sake of me feeling good about myself -- is also me giving permission for others to act in a way which may hurt me for the sake of someone else being able to maintain their 'likes'


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me not speaking within a moment where I see something is not 'right' as something which is not conductive to what is Best for All Life -- is me actually stabbing myself in the back as self-compromise -- because even though I may have achieved the other person to not 'like me less' -- I am now disliking myself for not speaking -- so what's the point?

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to investigate the nature of 'wanting to be liked' unconditionally and what it implies, and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to thoroughly investigate the value systems which I have created and incorporated within myself -- and to deconstruct these and re-prioritize my values within valuing what is Best for All Life ALWAYS