When I was browsing through the internet on Eating Disorder related
websites, the topic of ‘Lifestyle or Disease’ would always pop up over
and over again.
On the one side you have the people who believe they are suffering from a disease and require to be cured – and that this disease is involuntary.
On the other side you have people who believe that they are following a
lifestyle which should be respected by others and that you have a choice
to participate within Eating Disorders or not.
The first group is considered to be ‘authentic’ within having a mental
disorder, while the second group is considered by the first group to be
‘wannabes’.
The thing is that they’re both right and they’re both wrong.
Is anorexia or any other Eating Disorder really a ‘disease’? And is it
really ‘involuntary’ like ‘catching the flu’ and having ‘eating disorder
genes’? It’s a nice side to take because if you’re ‘sick’ and you’re
‘suffering’ and you didn’t have ‘any choice’ within it – then you are
left in a position of zero responsibility because ‘you had nothing to do
with it’. I find that to be unacceptable with regards to Eating
Disorders or even other mental disorders like ‘Depression’ which are
portrayed to be ‘diseases’. These mental disorders don’t just manifest
overnight. Things like anorexia, bulimia and depression are
manifestations which develop through time. You have to actively think
about your body in a particular way, you have to actively take comments
personal, you have to actively compare
yourself to others, you have to actively, obsessively go through
fashion magazines while being hypnotised by the ‘thinness’ you perceive,
you have to actively put yourself in front of a mirror and remind
yourself why you are not good enough,
you have to actively not eat and hide your eating patterns, you have to
actively put your finger down your throat and puke. There’s no
‘disease’ making you do those things: it’s all you!
Now, people don’t want to hear
this because they immediately take it personal and believe that there
is something wrong with them and that it makes them ‘look bad’ – because
obviously they and everyone knows that this type of behaviour
is quite disturbing. So if the behaviour is ‘out of your control’ you
can wash your hands clean and just kind of shrug your shoulders at it.
The problem with saying that you have a ‘disease’ and that it’s
‘involuntary’ is that you are placing the Eating Disorder separate from
yourself, where it’s some sort of ‘Alien invader’ where you have no say.
How are you supposed to cure/recover from that? You can’t, because you
only have the ability to bring about change within yourself, you only have the power to change you. So if you see your eating disorder behaviour as ‘not you’, then all you can do is stare at it and be completely powerless
– you’re placing yourself in victimization mode. On the other hand, if
you realise and acknowledge that you are the one acting out this Eating
Disorder and bringing it ‘to life’ – where you are the one driving it =
you have the power to change it, because you know it’s you. You might
not like it because it means that all these disturbing behaviours are
indeed coming from you and your decisions and choices to participate
within non-supportive thought
patterns and actions – but at least you are then placing yourself in a
position of self-responsibility and can actually make a difference
within your Life.
This does not mean that I agree that ‘anorexia is a lifestyle’ – because
obviously, there is a missing link between ‘Starving Yourself’ on the
one side, and ‘Life’ on the other side. It’s more of a ‘abusing myself
style’ than anything else and should in no way whatsoever be ‘respected’
or ‘recognized’ as a ‘formal lifestyle’ as ‘one of the many ways one
can choose to live their life’. Eating disorders are harmful and
damaging and you’re basically squeezing the Life out of yourself for the
sake of your appearance matching some picture presentation. There’s
nothing ‘Life’ about that, you might as well be a plastic doll or an
image in a magazine. Though what people from this side do get, is the
point that you are the creator and maintainer of your Eating Disorder
and so it will be easier for them to stop – but of course only if they
want to. Obviously if you see starving yourself as a lifestyle then
there’s some serious mental disorder existent within you and as such you
might not want to give this up at all as a result of that.
So No, Anorexia is not a Disease and No Anorexia is not a Lifestyle.
It is what it is = it’s mental disorder. And not in the sense of a
‘disease ’ or ‘condition’ of which you are the victim. It’s a mental
disorder because you’re actively disordering yourself, and a long with
it your body as well (and your body is really the real victim here).
Anorexia or any other eating disorder can only exist as long as you
fuel/participate within it. You have to in every moment decide whether
you are going to act upon the thought that ‘you’re so fat and shouldn’t
eat’.
Sure, there may have been events and circumstances which would make
someone participate within an Eating Disorder more likely – but in the
end it’s still up to self whether you make that decision to harm
yourself this way or not.
The whole Pro-Anna (or ‘wannabes’) movement is merely an extreme form of
what Eating Disorders actually stand for. They’re direct and
straightforward about what they’re doing and how they’re doing it – and
are only able to do this due to the vast level of acceptance
and value that has been placed on one’s appearance over one’s physical
well-being. I mean, is it a coincidence that with the advent of
mass-media where we are bombarded with images from billboards,
magazines, tv, internet over the last decade – that there has been an
80% rise in Anorexia cases? And where children are being diagnosed with
eating disorders from an earlier and earlier age? I mean, there’s FIVE
YEAR OLDS that have eating disorders! This is not normal, this is the
direct result of our society’s values falling further and further away
from valuing life and actual well-being over appearances and fake
happiness. Our world is becoming more and more superficial and our
bodies are the one’s suffering just like the Earth is suffering more and
more under our unhealthy ideologies which do not promote actual
well-being.
Check out the Desteni I Process Lite – a free course – to assist and support yourself in getting to know yourself and your mental disorders and assist yourself to a sound mind.
Check out the Equal Money Website as an alternative economic system that actually values Life and actual well-being over unsustainable economic growth.
Showing posts with label pro-ana. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pro-ana. Show all posts
Monday, 18 February 2013
Sunday, 27 January 2013
Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin
This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
Whenever I would go through a 'rough patch', I'd be bouncing around
between starving myself and binging. I would get to a point where I was
frustrated with myself and wanting to give up / get over with it -- upon which I would start binging.
I saw the binging as a point of 'stopping' the ED, where I believed that eating lots of food was the 'good' and 'right thing to do' in comparison and in contrast to starving/depriving myself -- while it was actually still a continuance and outflow of the same point.
Since I'd find myself in a bad spot, where I felt like a failure - I would go 'fine, whatever!' and go for whatever junk food was closest and stuff myself. But how I actually experienced myself and the binge eating was still a statement of failure, where I went from one side of being a failure / not good enough to starving myself to 'better myself' to the other side of eating lots and mostly lots of crap food as a point of 'I'm a mess / failure anyway so I might as well screw myself over with lots of shitty food -- I'm a screw up anyway, screwing myself over this little bit more is not going to make much of a difference'. So then that's how I would justify going into binge eating.
Then after I was done, I would feel bad, ashamed and guilty. I'd access a point of wanting to 'undo' what I just had done, so there puking became a point of 'going back in time' and correcting my mistake. So then I'd puke.
But even though the puking removes the food from your stomach, it doesn't remove the actual reason/motivation or the 'why' as to why I had stuffed myself in the first place -- which was in essence a point of self-disappointment and self-hatred.
All I cared about was getting rid of the guilt and now of course I also had to prove myself so then I'd go right back to strictly starving myself - back to the other side of the polarity.
I mean, the way I experienced myself within stuffing myself with crap food and knowing its not good for my body was the same way I'd experience myself when downing alcohol or doing drugs, where there was a point of wanting to obliterate myself.
So then when I eventually 'stopped' starving myself and believed myself to have gone 'back to normal' (not that I ever had a 'normal' relationship with food), I actually took on more of a binging pattern within myself and would 'spoil' myself a lot so to speak, eating lots of shitty food -- and then I would justify it with 'well, I'm eating aren't I?'. Like, even though I knew something was off about my eating pattern, I'd make it sound 'alright' because it was not 'not eating', as if the 'not eating' was the only thing that the ED had consisted of - while it hadn't, both points had gone hand in hand.
No-one also questioned this behaviour, and I was getting chubby -- but this was then considered 'healthy' as opposed to being skinny, and eating lots was encouraged and met by a smile on my mother's face, being happy that I was apparently 'out of it'.
I saw the binging as a point of 'stopping' the ED, where I believed that eating lots of food was the 'good' and 'right thing to do' in comparison and in contrast to starving/depriving myself -- while it was actually still a continuance and outflow of the same point.
Since I'd find myself in a bad spot, where I felt like a failure - I would go 'fine, whatever!' and go for whatever junk food was closest and stuff myself. But how I actually experienced myself and the binge eating was still a statement of failure, where I went from one side of being a failure / not good enough to starving myself to 'better myself' to the other side of eating lots and mostly lots of crap food as a point of 'I'm a mess / failure anyway so I might as well screw myself over with lots of shitty food -- I'm a screw up anyway, screwing myself over this little bit more is not going to make much of a difference'. So then that's how I would justify going into binge eating.
Then after I was done, I would feel bad, ashamed and guilty. I'd access a point of wanting to 'undo' what I just had done, so there puking became a point of 'going back in time' and correcting my mistake. So then I'd puke.
But even though the puking removes the food from your stomach, it doesn't remove the actual reason/motivation or the 'why' as to why I had stuffed myself in the first place -- which was in essence a point of self-disappointment and self-hatred.
All I cared about was getting rid of the guilt and now of course I also had to prove myself so then I'd go right back to strictly starving myself - back to the other side of the polarity.
I mean, the way I experienced myself within stuffing myself with crap food and knowing its not good for my body was the same way I'd experience myself when downing alcohol or doing drugs, where there was a point of wanting to obliterate myself.
So then when I eventually 'stopped' starving myself and believed myself to have gone 'back to normal' (not that I ever had a 'normal' relationship with food), I actually took on more of a binging pattern within myself and would 'spoil' myself a lot so to speak, eating lots of shitty food -- and then I would justify it with 'well, I'm eating aren't I?'. Like, even though I knew something was off about my eating pattern, I'd make it sound 'alright' because it was not 'not eating', as if the 'not eating' was the only thing that the ED had consisted of - while it hadn't, both points had gone hand in hand.
No-one also questioned this behaviour, and I was getting chubby -- but this was then considered 'healthy' as opposed to being skinny, and eating lots was encouraged and met by a smile on my mother's face, being happy that I was apparently 'out of it'.
Related articles
Friday, 25 January 2013
Day 168: Always Just out of Reach
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
We had this one door in our house by the kitchen which had a big dark glass piece in it, and so was kind of half like a mirror. I remember standing in front of it the one day and going ‘Woah, this is it’.
And then I smiled.
And as I stared at my reflection I got sad – really sad.
It was a point of ‘now what’. I had worked myself all the way to this point and got what I wanted and now what. I thought I would be happy, which I had been for a moment – but all in all, my life still sucked – nothing had really changed. My body had changed, my picture presentation had changed but so what? It’s not really anything substantial in terms of having an actual change in your life, it’s one dimension, it’s just one tiny spec.
For all this time I had focussed on only this one point that I had not looked at any other dimension/part of my life and the world I lived in. And now that that one point was ‘satisfied’ so to speak, it fell away – and my whole world came crashing down on me.
Fuck. I was still not happy, I still did not have a life that I could go ‘yes, this is what I want, this is what I am satisfied with’. It felt like it had all been for nothing.
So then I did an interesting thing. I was quite emotional so then I went through a little binging patch and within that ‘set myself back’, distancing myself from my goal once more.
You see, the whole Eating Disorder only works as long as what you are trying to achieve is ‘out there’, as long as it’s always that one step, that one corner away – always just outside of your reach. Because the moment you are there and you got what you want, you realise it’s not really what you wanted and you’re still fucked. It’s whole design is based on unattainability. If you set a goal that is reachable, then you’re screwed because you’re going to get to a point that you’re done and now you have to go do something else with your life.
I mean, it’s such a clever game.
Now that I had set myself back, I had something to focus and obsess about once more, and this time I set the bar higher and further. It’s like you literally plunge and drown yourself into this one little dimension of your life, as if that is what it’s all about – so that you have the perfect excuse not to look at any other part of your life, let alone the world! Because as long as you’re still changing this one point as attaining the ultimate weight/image – well, you can’t really move on to the next point now can you?
So then you end up with this whole dynamic of pushing yourself, and driving yourself to get forward – and then the moment you get close you deliberately sabotage yourself so that you get setback and can continue playing this sick little game.
It’s such a trap, being locked up in your own little demon dimension inside your mind, repeating the same point over and over and over again.
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Monday, 21 January 2013
Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
In Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions I mentioned how at some point my family started getting suspicious of my eating behaviour and how skinny I started looking.
My mom would start pointing out how my lunchbox is still full when I get back home or from school or that she didn't see me prepare my lunchbox and how she never sees me eat breakfast, and that the scale has been left out in the bathroom a lot. I remember the one day, I came out of the bathroom and my mother looked at me and I just saw fear in her eyes, she looked bewildered and said "What is up with you! You don't have an eating disorder now have you?!". And because of the amount of fear and worry in her eyes, I just told her to "Stop being so paranoid, I'm fine". I think she was quite happy with that answer, because imagine if I had said 'yes mom, I have an eating disorder' -- that's like a big fear come true and she would have probably interpreted it has being 'her fault' and her being a 'bad mother'.
I realised I had been careless and had to become more specific in how I did things. In the mornings while my mom was in the bathroom I would take an empty plate, put the toaster upside down and shake some crumbs unto it. I'd then take a knife and put some choc-spread on it and make a streak on the plate -- now I had dirty dishes as 'proof' that I had eaten breakfast and I would leave it on the table in a nonchalant way. My mom would see the dishes and fill in the gaps herself, and I could see her smile.
I would do the same with my lunch, make lunch in the morning and then at lunchtime just crumb a piece up a bit and wipe the inside of my lunchbox with a piece to make it nice and dirty - forging 'having eaten lunch'. On weekends I would try going to friends, and tell my parents I would eat there and when I got at my friends I'd tell them I already ate at home.
I basically did not eat anything except for dinner, but now my parents were forcing me to take big portions and there was no way out of it. So I ate the big dinners and I started putting on weight, because now the body is in survival mode and wants to just store up as much in the body in anticipation of the next 'famine'. I started getting desperate.
During this whole period, I would also read a lot of blogs of other people, there's a whole 'pro-ana' and 'pro-mia' community on the internet ( pro-ana being pro-anorexia and pro-mia being pro-bulimia') of people posting daily about their daily application and progress. I saw that some girls would puke out the food they ate after binging - which was something I would rather not do -- I'd rather just not eat if I could instead of eating and then having to puke it out -- it just seemed like too much of a hassle.
But now that I felt that I was in a 'desperate spot', I decided to give it a go with my dinners. I'd drink a shitload of water, almost a sip after every bite so that it would be easier to throw it up later. I thought it worked great - initially. I could eat my dinners without any fuss, and could eat several meals during the weekends when there were more eyes around and then afterwards just go up to the bathroom upstairs and throw it all up. This worked fine for a bit, but after a while my stomach started hurting a lot and my throat as well. I couldn't puke as easily anymore and now whenever I would puke, most of the puke would come out through my nose and the veins in my eyes would pop of all the pressure, leaving them bloodshot. Then at some point I saw that I was puking out blood with my food and that's when I knew I had to stop -- my project had gone too far and the damage to my body was now undeniable.
To be continued...
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
In Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions I mentioned how at some point my family started getting suspicious of my eating behaviour and how skinny I started looking.
My mom would start pointing out how my lunchbox is still full when I get back home or from school or that she didn't see me prepare my lunchbox and how she never sees me eat breakfast, and that the scale has been left out in the bathroom a lot. I remember the one day, I came out of the bathroom and my mother looked at me and I just saw fear in her eyes, she looked bewildered and said "What is up with you! You don't have an eating disorder now have you?!". And because of the amount of fear and worry in her eyes, I just told her to "Stop being so paranoid, I'm fine". I think she was quite happy with that answer, because imagine if I had said 'yes mom, I have an eating disorder' -- that's like a big fear come true and she would have probably interpreted it has being 'her fault' and her being a 'bad mother'.
I realised I had been careless and had to become more specific in how I did things. In the mornings while my mom was in the bathroom I would take an empty plate, put the toaster upside down and shake some crumbs unto it. I'd then take a knife and put some choc-spread on it and make a streak on the plate -- now I had dirty dishes as 'proof' that I had eaten breakfast and I would leave it on the table in a nonchalant way. My mom would see the dishes and fill in the gaps herself, and I could see her smile.
I would do the same with my lunch, make lunch in the morning and then at lunchtime just crumb a piece up a bit and wipe the inside of my lunchbox with a piece to make it nice and dirty - forging 'having eaten lunch'. On weekends I would try going to friends, and tell my parents I would eat there and when I got at my friends I'd tell them I already ate at home.
I basically did not eat anything except for dinner, but now my parents were forcing me to take big portions and there was no way out of it. So I ate the big dinners and I started putting on weight, because now the body is in survival mode and wants to just store up as much in the body in anticipation of the next 'famine'. I started getting desperate.
During this whole period, I would also read a lot of blogs of other people, there's a whole 'pro-ana' and 'pro-mia' community on the internet ( pro-ana being pro-anorexia and pro-mia being pro-bulimia') of people posting daily about their daily application and progress. I saw that some girls would puke out the food they ate after binging - which was something I would rather not do -- I'd rather just not eat if I could instead of eating and then having to puke it out -- it just seemed like too much of a hassle.
But now that I felt that I was in a 'desperate spot', I decided to give it a go with my dinners. I'd drink a shitload of water, almost a sip after every bite so that it would be easier to throw it up later. I thought it worked great - initially. I could eat my dinners without any fuss, and could eat several meals during the weekends when there were more eyes around and then afterwards just go up to the bathroom upstairs and throw it all up. This worked fine for a bit, but after a while my stomach started hurting a lot and my throat as well. I couldn't puke as easily anymore and now whenever I would puke, most of the puke would come out through my nose and the veins in my eyes would pop of all the pressure, leaving them bloodshot. Then at some point I saw that I was puking out blood with my food and that's when I knew I had to stop -- my project had gone too far and the damage to my body was now undeniable.
To be continued...
Related articles
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Tuesday, 1 January 2013
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
I didn't develop an Eating Disorder in a 'natural' way. Meaning, when I was first introduced to the concept of eating disorders, the way it was presented to me was as a 'disease' that just kind of 'happens' to you. To me this seemed weird, because it appeared to be a purely psychological point, and I didn't get why it was dubbed a disease. Either way, I believed that it was something that just 'happened' and went with what I had been told, because "obviously" the medical authority 'knows best'.
At that point in my life, I was pretty bored . My life was pretty much normal and everything was going quite well -- I just didn't have any purpose or goal and found it annoying to just go through my days every day without it 'going anywhere'. I saw other people having a particular passion or pursuing partiular things and I was jealous of how engaged they were and having a point of focus in their life. I found myself lacking passion and commitment.
Then one day, my and my mom and I were watching a documentary on anorexia. I was fascinated by the discipline these girls had to simply not eat no matter what. I wished I could be so commited and 'passionate' about something, and remember thinking 'too bad it's a disease and not something you can just 'do' '. Then as we were watching the documentary, a lot of attention was placed on what went on inside the girls' minds and what thought patterns they followed.
I then thought, well if I can't "get it" (as if its some infectious disease that you can 'catch'), then many I can 'simulate it' by managing my thoughts and my behaviour exactly to how these girls do it. I was really excited when the documentary was over - I had something to do!
Ever since I had hit puberty, I had put on weight and hadn't been satisfied with my weight since - so it was like a 'win-win' situation, because I could keep myself occupied with something and lose weight!
So it's interesting to see how I separated myself from these points of commitment, passion, focus, purpose and discipline and then instead of embracing and applying these points within myself as self-supported -- I placed them 'out there' and adopted them within a point of self-destructiveness instead of self-support. Even though I started applying these points within a context that was not supportive, afterwards I was able to take these points and apply them within self-support later - within the context of Desteni. So here is one of the dimensions that within this whole episode were quite 'fucked', but where if you change your starting-point and direct yourself towards something constructive - and align yourself with for instance the principles that Desteni stands for as walking yourself to Life and ACTUAL Self-Perfection, self-honesty and what's Best for All - you can still practice the same points minus the negative side effects as screwing your body and mind over. So even though this 'phase' I went through was not cool, I am quite grateful for these points, as I within going through this, could see that I was able to decide on something and make it my focus/goal and apply myself consistently within it.
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