Day 167: The Big Fall

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection

Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia

I mentioned in one of my previous blogs that I rather did not want to do the whole puking thing, because it seemed like too much of a hassle.

So now that I was in the position where I felt "forced" to puke, because otherwise I would not be able to move/progress any further -- I found the whole puking thing rather interesting. It was as if I had found a 'loophole' or 'cheat'.

Where I had previously been quite strict with myself in terms of my food intake and not eating anything besides that which would 'give me away' -- I now started indulge in bits and pieces. Because now I could tell myself that 'it's alright - you can just puke it out later again, no harm done'. But after doing some 'little' indulging (like say, one slice of chips, or a taste of something sweet) -- I suddenly had this wave or more like tsunami run over me, where I just broke down and STUFFED myself. I had been starving myself for sooo long and not eating any of the foods I so loved before -- and now with this 'cheat': I just caved in. I ate and I ate and I ate and I did not stop until I was as stuffed as I could be. And then the tears came, and the guilt and the shame and the throwing up. I struggled for a while with that, where I would constantly move from one polarity to another, from total strictness to total stuffedness -- where I would deprive myself from foods for a while and then it would just backfire and BAM binge party.

In a way this was cool to really see how we live in polarity designs, going from one polarity to another like a very bouncy ball.

After having puked so much and it having had an impact on my body where I just couldn't handle puking anymore because of the blood and pain involved, I got really scared and wanted to stop. I figured that since I created this condition through deliberately managing my mind to bring about this type of behaviour -- I could now just reverse it using the same techniques again.

I was pretty confident that I could do this, it made sense that since I created it I could also uncreate it. Then I got in for a surprise, because it was not as easy as I thought. In the beginning of my endeavor (as mentioned in Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thoughts - Part 1 ) adapting thoughts typical to eating disorder behaviour was very hard as it wasn't automatic and I had to formulate and bring about each thought very specifically. However, as I had now progressed in time -- the thoughts were no longer 'forced' and had become completely automated. So while I thought that I could just 'quickly reverse it' -- I got faced with quite the opposite. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, the thoughts, the images, the emotional experiences, the swearing at myself -- all those points I took so long to create and imprint within myself -- just wouldn't stop. They were there all the time, around every corner, within every reaction -- it had become my entire reality. Uh oh - crap...

So it was interesting to see how my 'plan' had actually manifested. All the time and energy invested in managing my mind in a forced way had accumulated in it integrating and becoming me. I was no longer controlling my thoughts, my thoughts were controlling me. I got a bit stressed a this point, because I had expected myself to remain 'in control' and now it was getting clear that I wasn't - how was I going to stop?

Then, at some point when I was at my lowest weight (about 52 kgs at 1.78m) and I had been doing the whole not eating thing for quite a long time, we went on a one week holiday by the coast. This was like one of my biggest fears, because I preferred school-time over holiday as this was the easiest time to avoid being around the watchful eyes of my parents. So now I had to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with my family every day -- and generally when our family would go on holidays, we'd also eat all the 'extras' -- so now I was eating all of those as well. And I couldn't risk to puke, because the apartment we were in was tiny so everyone would be able to hear me puke and it would be harder to cover up afterwards.

Everyday I would weight myself, and everyday I would see the indicator of the scale go up and up and up. I was in complete despair.

Then one day, we were about to eat mac and cheese for lunch -- and in that moment I just gave up. I had gained so much weight, while I had struggled for such a loooong time to lose it, and now it was back in a matter of DAYS. I just couldn't do it anymore - and then I caved and I caved hard and I stuffed myself and basically went 'fuck it, fuck this shit' and I cried and I cried. And I always remembered that moment as 'my fall'- almost like I was an angel that had fallen from heaven, into disgrace.

I never really understood how much that moment had affected me. Only a year or so ago, I was experiencing myself down, depressed and like a completely failure and I was writing about how I was experiencing myself and I just couldn't get 'where' this was coming from -- and then suddenly it just dawned to me - it was still an outflow of that one moment where I just gave up and crashed, and experienced myself as a huge failure and after that event, I never stopped experiencing that point, it just became 'who I am'. It's like the moment never stopped, it was still busy running.

I still tried once in a while to 'pick up' on it again, to try and start over, but it just didn't work out. So then I turned my back on that part of my life and slowly but surely went 'back to normal'.

Related articles

• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
• Day 274: Eating Disorders and Desteni
• Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
• Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
• Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder - Part 1

Day 43: Can't Stand the Sight of Blood

This is a continuation to Day 42: Why?

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience of powerlessness and victimization that would wash over me when getting physically hurt, was simply a 'part of me' and 'who I am' -- without ever questioning this experience or its origin

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this experience wasn't just 'a part of me' or a part of 'who I am' as this experience wasn't always a part of me -- but only emerged at a certain point within my life -- and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this experience was created and emerged from and as a memory imprint -- where something happened to me within my childhood which I haven't dealt with -- whereby this experience now integrated within and as me, and kept on 'popping up' throughout my life with the right triggers, where each time when the experience emerged during an event and I did not question it / did not do anything about it -- it only integrated and penetrated deeper into my being to a point where I believed  this experience 'to be me' and forgot all about the initial memory from which the experience was created

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child when another kid shoved me to the ground and I hit the hard ground with my knees, have taken the picture presentation of the blood seeping into my pants and the wetness I felt as 'something bad' and 'something which shouldn't happen' -- where I didn't cry when the actual physical pain rushed through my body of hitting the ground, but cried in reaction to the picture I was seeing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'blood' within a negative energy connotation/charge within myself -- whereby each time I see the picture presentation of blood, I see it as bad -- without taking into consideration the context within which the blood is present

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'blood stains' within a negative energy charge/connotation within myself -- whereby each time I see a blood stain I go into a negative energy-based experience inside myself  -- connected to all the memories wherein I was brought into contact with 'bood stains' -- which was primarily movies and other types of media on tv -- where blood was always displayed within the context of violence or macabre atmosphere -- whereby I accepted and allowed myself to define blood within the limited context and association of 'violence' and 'death'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I as a child hit the ground and hurt my knee and saw blood seeping into my pants from my wound -- have gone into a panic mode within connecting the picture presentation of the blood and the stain to all the pictures I had seen on tv which were within the context of violence/death -- whereby I created the connection that 'violence had been done unto me' and that 'something was wrong' / 'I may die' within seeing blood run out of me body because of the limited context I had been educated on blood where I had only been familiarized with blood within the context of violence/macabre through television

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'laugh away' the notion that we can be brainwashed by tv, within 'not me, I don't get brainwashed by tv -- other people maybe sure, but not me' -- without seeing and realising that all I have ever known about myself as 'who I' apparently 'am' -- is the direct result/outcome of brainwashing through time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea / belief about blood -- where blood can only ever be 'something bad' without ever questioning this belief and finding out what blood is 'within the bigger picture'

When and as I see myself experiencing a particular feeling/emotion/experience which I did not direct within that moment -- and believe this experience of energy as feelings/emotions to be real as 'who I am' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and  realise that this experience is not just 'who I am' but a programmed response pattern which will emerge when the right triggers are in place, and so I stop and bring myself here as the physical within breath and commit myself to investigate the origin of the emotion/feeling pattern I engaged in and unravel it / disengage it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself reacting to the picture presentation or the notion of 'blood' within a negative energy experience of 'this is bad' and/or 'something's wrong' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely accessing what had been put into me within watching/viewing particular scenes on tv where the presence of 'blood' was always a 'bad omen' -- whereby I copied and integrated this connotation/association within and as me so that when was faced with 'blood' within my own reality -- that was the connotation/association I would access within myself and upload throughout my human physical body

I commit myself to the re-evaluation of how television currently is operated and what gets broadcasted -- so that we do not educate/brainwash our children unintentionally with images and ideas about concepts/manifestations such as blood within a context of fear -- and so I commit myself to the re-establishment of television as a source of education as common sense to assist and support all within developing practical common sense skills within oneself

When and as I see myself ridiculing the notion of me being 'brainwashed' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that we are all the result of brainwashing as education from parents, teachers, television and other media -- and within that I move myself to take self-responsibility to identify all the ways that I have been brainwashed into patterns which are not conductive to what is Best for All -- and commit myself to replace those patterns with ones which are in Support of All Life

When and as I see myself accessing the idea that 'blood is bad' / 'blood means something's wrong with me' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have created this idea as an additional layer/dimension which I imposed upon the concept/manifestation of blood through memories/brainwashing -- and so I remove myself from participating within this idea as I see and realise that this does not form part of the actually reality of blood -- and allow myself to take into consideration the 'bigger picture' -- whereby blood is simply a medium our bodies and other bodies have adopted as a means to transport nutrients/resources throughout our human physical body, whereby if we hurt our human physical bodies within force contact, or contact with sharp objects -- we may damage our transport system as the arteries and veins through which the blood is transported within our bodies, whereby a 'leak' forms, just  as when you damage a water-pipe, where for a moment some of these resources as blood may seep/leak out of the body until the hole/damage has been 'patched up'. And as such, within the context of movies, where people are violently killed and blood is sprayed all over the place -- it is simply the manifested consequence of the body having been damaged whereby openings/leaks have been created within one's inner resource transport system, whereby these resources as blood leak/spray all over the place -- and thus the primary point of blood is not 'bad' or 'wrong' or 'death' -- but in fact a medium of supporting Life within facilitating the distribution of resources within and as the body

  

Related articles

• Day 103: Expectation Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 23: Decisions
• Day 42: Why?
• Day 39: What if something's Wrong with Me?

Day 7: Letting Go of Fear

This is a continuation to: "Day 6: Fear of Something Going Wrong & Wanting to be in Control"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the event of TweeTweet's death imprint a fear within me of "fear of things going wrong with pets"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not properly deal with the loss of a pet and within that allow this event to have a major impact on my life in terms of how I want to be in control in relation to pets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have immediately reacted to my experiences of loss as "I do not ever want to experience this again" and within that set myself up in a way to avoid any and all possible situations and combinations of factors which could lead to the loss of a pet

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this is not a solution in terms of dealing with the loss of a pet

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instantaneously suppress the event and focus my energy towards "not ever experiencing this again" instead of pushing myself to deal with the experience so that I do not have to go through it next time it happens (instead of wanting to avoid/hide from such situations)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with pets from a starting point of fear and anxiety

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that participation stemming from fear and anxiety is not real participation -- as I am not experiencing the moment as is -- but a modified reality version created within my own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within fear back chat as "I hope they're not dead" and then act upon that backchat through checking up on the parrots randomly to check that they're still alive

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this only further feeds my backchat and will only make the situation worse inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within fear as nauseousness upon seeing blood

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the picture of blood with the idea of "nightmare" within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a necessary connection between the sight of blood and "experiencing a nightmare" within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump to conclusions when seeing blood -- where I immediately expect worse-case-scenario

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ruled by emotions and feelings when it comes to injured pets instead of common sense evaluation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about not having been there when the Parrots got hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about not having been there when TweeTweet drowned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should have been there

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be around my pets as much as possible so that I can be there when things happen or be there to prevent things from happening

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this is no way of living life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the expression of my pets through my fears of something happening to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within myself  -- whenever I am faced with an injured bird -- that the bird will probably be dead by the morning so that I am "prepared" in case it happens, where I told myself that this was going to happen anyway, where I do not want to think of the bird being ok/making it because if he then doesn't then I will feel worse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at pets only in terms of how I feel and how I experience myself and not how whatever is happening might be affecting the pet in question


I commit myself to investigate my reactions and experiences of past events when being faced with the loss of a pet

I commit myself to investigate all suppressions in relation to fears to do with pets

I commit myself to release myself from all anxieties and fears related to taking care of animals

I commit myself to be here in the moment when participating with pets

I commit myself to lay out for myself my alternate created reality of the world inside myself and to remove this alternate version of reality layer by layer until I am able to see what is really here

I commit myself to the stopping of backchat inside myself and within that commit myself to act upon common sense rather than nonsensical emotional experiences

I commit myself to remind myself that backchat and emotions have no real value in terms of the physical reality and only make things unnecessarily complicated for myself and those around me

I commit myself to removing all triggers and connection in relation to seeing blood

I commit myself to adopt a common sensical approach towards working with pets instead of a mind reality bubble of fear and anxiety as an added layer upon actual reality which only clouds and blurs my view

I commit myself to do what I can do provide the optimal environment for the pets in my care from the starting point of what is Best for All

I commit myself to let go of fear and wanting to be in control as this does not actually make a difference in terms of what is possible

I commit myself to remind myself that there are those which I can do to prevent harm from happening and that there will be circumstances where factors lie beyond my control -- and since they are beyond my control, there is nothing I can do and it is completely useless to worry about it

I commit myself to remind myself to live every moment to the fullest with the animals in my environment until I no longer can

I commit myself to redefining the word "death" as no longer containing a negative loaded emotion and conception but where death is simply another phase one goes through within one's life experience -- moving from one dimension to another

I commit myself to the ceasing of manipulating myself with thoughts as anticipation, expectation and hope in order to control my emotional experience

I commit myself to face my emotions when faced with them

I commit myself to not hide from my experiences

Day 2: Death of a Pet

This is a continuation on my previous blog

Within this post I'll be working on the Memory which popped-up in relation to the word 'abandonment'.

Memory:
When I first found out that we were going to get guinea pigs I asked my mom how long her guinea pig lived when she was young. I wanted to find out how old I was going to be when the guinea pig would die and through that kind of 'calculate' how much I would be affected by his death. If the guinea pig wasn't going to live long then I didn't want it because I feared it would hurt too much. My mom then told me that her guinea pigged lived up to the age of 8. I was 8 at the time and so I calculated that I would be 16 by the time he dies. I thought this was pretty cool as I believed that by the time I'd be 16, I'd be an emotionless zombie (as this was my perception of teenagers at the time).

We then went ahead and got guinea pigs -- one for me and one for Maite. Maite's died first as they were both males and my boy was dominating Maite's -- making him sleep outside from their little house and not allowing him by the food. Then a year or so later my guinea pig died. I was dreaming that he was dying when my mom woke me up saying that something's wrong with him. I ran downstairs to check on him and he was choking on brown stuff inside his throat. We tried to get him to the vet but he died on our way there. A big white worm came out just after he died and I cut off its head because I was so angry that it had killed my guinea pig (the cause of death seemed to be that he had a worm that was eating him up inside out. I was completely devastated when he died and stayed home. I promised myself that I would never ever get another animal or create a relationship like that ever again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have based my decision of getting a pet on the calculation of whether I would be affected by his inevitable death or not

When and as I see myself making a decision based upon fear -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am not using common sense within my decision making but instead allow emotions to direct me and my decisions. These aren't real decision but automated responses. I allow myself to release myself of the fear and re-assess my decision making process and make a decision within the consideration of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have anticipated the experience of 'pain' and 'loss' upon getting a pet

When and as I see myself anticipating and expecting a specific emotional outcome to an event -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am the one creating this consequence for myself and that it does not have to be so in effect. I can decide for myself how I want to direct myself through a particular event and allow myself to unconditionally participate without expecting a particular result

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a necessary connection/link between 'pet' and 'dying'

When and as I see myself making a connection between 'pet' / 'animal' and 'dying' -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that by participating in such associations I am placing myself in a position that I do not want to be in -- so why put myself there?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my behavior through the use of knowledge and information as to enable myself not having to face my fear

When and as I see myself reasoning myself out of a point -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am trying to justify my behaviour/actions/decisions and that I am thus inherently revealing to myself that I know that I am being dishonest. If I were honest with myself no justification building would be needed in support of an argument as the point would be self-evident within the context of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'fun', 'enjoyment', 'expression' and 'love' as separate of me and projected these points upon pets -- whereby as a consequence I believed that I would lose 'fun', 'enjoyment', 'expression' and 'love' if the pet would die.

When and as I see myself participate in a pattern of attaching certain points of expression upon others in my environment and world -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am in fact separating myself from points within myself and enslaving not only me to others but also enslave those beings and object to which I have attached the points to myself -- as I will attempt to keep those beings and objects within my immediate environment/reality even if it is not within their own best interest. Instead when a decision has to be made -- I take into consideration all the various variables and make a decision according to what is best for all and not in terms of what best suits me, as this is deliberate abuse stemming from self-interest.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I was never interested in the pet as the being itself -- but instead cared only of the 'benefits' it would provide for me in terms of 'fun', 'enjoyment', 'expression' and 'love'.

I commit myself to the starting point of taking care of animals as a point of custodianship whereby I assist and support the animal without placing 'conditions' on the animal where I expect certain things in return. It is a walking together within the consideration that the animal has its own life and that I am merely here to assist and support where necessary -- not to control its life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the death of pets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the sadness inside me when a pet dies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'death' as a bad thing

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that death is just like being born -- before you were born you weren't here, and then you suddenly are. Then later you are here on earth and then suddenly you aren't anymore. Yet birth gets celebrated and death is mourned.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to participate and support a world where beings dominate one another within a game of survival and will do whatever it takes to stay 'first in the race'.

When and as I see myself participate within the game of domination and submission -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am enslaving myself and the other in a never ending game which will never have a satisfying end. Instead I look into the situation and assess what direction to take which takes into consideration what is best for all involved. I see and realise that domination and submission only serves ego as the ego is always trying to win -- but there can be no winning without losing. And since I do not like it to be me within a losing position I let go of wanting to win as winning causes others to lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a world where beings die because of the polarity manifestation of submission and domination.

When and as I see beings participate within a pattern that is not beneficial for either parties, I intervene and make the necessary adjustments that will prevent the same cycle/pattern from happening over and over again. In the case of the guinea pigs it would have been to separate the two males or create a condition/environment that would allow plenty for both to live comfortably.

I commit myself to the finding of a solution to replace the current world system whereby a framework is put into place which provides for all equally and eliminates the need to be the 'strongest' in order to survive

Within this -- I also forigve myself for living in a world where animals of the same sex are sold together even though it is known that they will not function well together -- as the importance of money and profit has become greater than the well being of the whole.

I commit myself to bring about change in the world which will give back to the animals their rightful place in the world -- where they are no more objects of money but beings in their own right -- assisted and supported the same way as one would want to be assisted and supported within this world -- equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support the current money system through my passiveness and indifference towards political and economic solutions -- whereby people are forced to sell other beings in the name of profit and survival -- whereby the wellbeing of the animals is completely disregarded 

I commit myself to bring about political and economic change in order to bring about a change in people's working conditions so they no longer have to place themselves in situations of abuse in order to survive -- instead a framework must be in place which is an extension of one's life and thus in essence no longer will be defined as 'work' -- as it simply becomes part and amalgamates with and as one's lifestyle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a participant of a world system where it is logically justified to chase people out of a safe environment only to secure one's own well being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a participant of a world system where it is logically justified to keep others away from your food -- because it is your food and not theirs.

When and as I see myself feeling the need to keep someone away from 'my food' -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I would not want to be in the other one's position and that it thus makes more sense to share.

I commit myself to change the current world system of lack to a world system of sufficiency where all are provided and taken care of equally and indiscriminately

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a world where beings chase others away from food out of fear of not having enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support a system through not speaking, not demanding change --  where within the system is an illusion of 'there is not enough' because of a money system being in place which does not distribute and allocate resources within a principle of equity but only in the name of economic efficiency -- forcing beings into a constant state of fear and survival

I commit myself to speaking and writing in order to share and spread the message of a new political and economic system which allocates its resources in a way that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the existence of abuse through the manifestation of worms who eat the insides of other beings for their survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and be angry at a worm for the death of a pet -- while I did not consider that it is obviously not the worm's fault as he is only doing what needs to be done to survive in this world

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of anger or blame towards another -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that this reaction is indicating a point that requires to be realigned within myself -- not the other. I then take it up on myself to align this point and sort out the anger and blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as 'normal' that there are such manifestations as dominance and eating one another alive -- instead of questioning the state of our reality and investigate whether there is an alternative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swear/promise myself to never ever get another pet or create a relationship with another animal out of fear of then losing this relationship

When and as I see myself making promises to myself to not do something from a starting point of fear -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that avoiding and postponing is not an actual solution but merely putting the issue 'on hold'. Instead I investigate what it is I fear and assist myself in understanding the fear in order to let go of it and replace the fear with common sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'getting a pet' as an experience of 'gaining' -- whereby I gain 'love', 'expression', 'enjoyment' and 'fun' and thus also manifest for myself an experience of 'losing' through the death of a pet of the same points

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed myself within a position of dependency through having certain expectations of pets instead of embracing myself as those points which I projected/placed unto pets

I commit myself to changing the current world system to a place which is safe and fun for animals and where animals are no longer subject to human beings wants, desires and needs. I commit myself to a world where animals' lives are respected and honored the way we'd want our own life respected and honored

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise 'love' as myself as 'self-love' and 'self-appreciation'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that love and appreciation can only have its origin within a source outside of myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise 'enjoyment'/'fun' as myself as 'self-enjoyment' and  'self-fun'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'enjoyment' and 'fun' can only occur in conjunction with another being or thing but cannot manifest within myself, alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am dependent on outside sources to experience fun and enjoyment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I 'lose' something upon the death of a pet

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally enjoy the presence of a pet as another being, a companion -- where I allow myself to make the best out of it until we no longer can -- instead of living in continuous fear that the pet might die -- which in itself is pretty dumb because then taking care of another pet as a being become something which does not support you and is not an enjoyable experience for self and then the death of the being is the only thing that will force the being in letting go of the fear, by manifesting it. Then if the pet is dead there is nothing more to worry about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swear and promise to myself to never ever create another intimate relationship with a pet in order to not face the sadness upon its death -- instead of taking it up unto myself to investigate why I fear the death of a pet and address the issue within me until it is no longer an issue