Day 138: Move or Be Moved

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
Day 135: Stopping the Pattern
Day 136: Walking Back in Time
Day 137: Re-Acting Reactive Reactions

When and as I see myself wanting to speak and react to this within expecting/anticipating conflict/friction – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself into anticipating a particular reaction to me speaking based on memories of the past and so I commit myself to stop anticipating the future based on the past and express myself here unconditionally

When and as I see myself calculate whether I should speak or not based on my perception and interpretation of my environment where I scan/measure for the possibility of friction/conflict – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed myself to place limitation of self-expression based on fear and that I will never be able to live without compromise if my expression is limited/contingent on something else and so I commit myself to place expression in the function of expression itself and commit myself to express myself unconditionally within the starting point of what is best for all

When and as I see myself manage my movement and expression in relation to my environment in terms of possible inputs as reactions causing reactions within me – where I want to avoid certain inputs and seek out other – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is no self-movement and no self-direction existent within this as I am merely manipulating myself and my inner reality within placing myself as less than life and a slave to reactions and so I commit myself to walk here breath by breath and express myself unconditionally and remove the layers of automation based on reaction within me so I can walk here as Life

When and as I see myself holding back on speaking in favour of avoiding conflict/friction – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that accepting and allowing just this singular point within me indicates that I cannot be trusted as this pattern indicates that when it comes down to it I will pick energy/reaction over Life and so I commit myself to self-expression and to push through fear and energy reaction and stick to breath

When and as I see myself justify suppression within not speaking within the belief that doing something or not doing something if it means being able to avoid conflict/friction/fear is totally okay – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is how I sabotage myself into not changing and so I commit myself to stop my excuses and to push through fear and actually change

I commit myself to place myself over fear as self-limitation and express myself as a statement of self-value and self-appreciation as I see and realise that every moment I hold back and not speak in the name of fear I am stabbing myself in the back which is not something I want to live by

Related articles

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• Day 136: Walking Back in Time
• Day 135: Stopping the Pattern
• Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
• Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
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Day 135: Stopping the Pattern

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear

When and as I see myself receiving an aggravated reply from someone and react to this input within anxiety and fear – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am accepting and allowing myself to let energy determine who I am both within and without and so I commit myself to breathe and ground myself within and as my human physical body until the energy dissipates

When and as I see myself reacting to me experiencing fear and anxiety as a reaction to receiving an aggravated reply from someone – within wanting to go into the point of ‘it’s better not to speak’ or ‘I could have avoided this if I didn’t speak’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that ‘not speaking’ is merely circumventing the issue which is myself and my acceptance and allowance of fear and anxiety to exist within and as me and allow it to determine who I am and the direction I take and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and ground myself as my human physical body -- let go of the thought and commit myself to work through the fear and anxiety within self-responsibility

When and as I see myself believing that my reaction as ‘it is better not to speak’ from a starting point of fear is justifiable within the belief that ‘it was the only logical conclusion/step to take’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the event could have gone different ways and do not accept and allow myself to defend my self-limitation within protecting my existence as fear and anxiety and so I commit myself to stop this backchat/justifications and face my fear

When and as I see myself access the belief / thought that particular traits/characteristics of personality just ‘happened’ to me where I did not have any control or say in how I adopted these attitudes – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have made the decision as a reaction to adopt these personality traits such as being shy/timid as a coping mechanism where I deliberately integrated these points within myself to protect my existence as fear and not question who I am and the world around me and so I commit myself to not take any beliefs for granted as beliefs of personality where I think that they just ‘happened’ to me and to walk these points out into specificity so that I can see/realise/understand how I have come to be this way and let go of these patterns of limitation

When and as I see myself access the belief that ‘not speaking’ is the only possible ‘solution’ to being faced with conflict/friction – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is not a solution but a reaction based within fear and so I commit myself to disregard my backchat as ‘don’t speak’ and to ground myself within and as my human physical body and face the conflict/friction unconditionally and trust myself to be able to assess within the moment what would be the best direction to take

When and as I see myself reacting to a person being aggravated within fear and anxiety upon seeing the particular energy as conflict/friction being emanated from the person within believing/perceiving that this energy is bigger/more than me and placing myself within a position of less than/smaller as self-victimization and self-imposed inferiority – believing that I cannot handle such energy/such a situation – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am merely reacting and that it is my reaction as fear and anxiety which poses a problem to me effectively moving and directing myself and so I commit myself to stop my energetic experience of fear and anxiety towards energy of conflict/friction and ground myself within and as my human physical body and re-assess the situation from a common sense perspective

When and as I see myself reacting to conflict/friction within my environment within ‘weighing off’ my options as ‘should I not speak and avoid conflict/friction’ or ‘should I push through my fear and speak’ – where I want to opt for the fastest and shortest way out of conflict/friction – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have scripted such an escape-route pattern within and for myself as a coping mechanism to conflict/friction within my childhood where I did not understand what was going on and how to deal with both myself and the other and within my confusion decided to just ‘shut down’ as the easiest way to deal with the situation and took on the personality of ‘shy’ / ‘timid’ in order to avoid conflict/friction and thus never allowing myself to effectively face and walk through the point of conflict/friction and so I commit myself to stop this pattern of hiding and to speak when I see I can speak regardless of fear and anxiety as a statement of self-value and self-appreciation

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• Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
• Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
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Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was a child and expressed something towards an adult / parent / authority figure and have gotten an aggravated reply to which I reacted within experiencing fear and anxiety – have made the decision within myself that it is better not to speak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘it is better not to speak’ was the only ‘logical’ thing to do/ assume when being faced with an aggravated adult / parent / authority figure – where I believed that this conclusion was the only possible way to respond to such an occurrence and that I as such had not actively participated within that decision – where ‘not speaking’ was the only possible outcome as something that just ‘happened’ to me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me becoming timid and shy as a result of an event where I expressed something and got an aggravated reply -- did not just ‘happen’ – as the change happened within myself and not outside myself, and thus I played a role within becoming a timid person – where in the moment where the adult / parent / authoritative figure replied to me within an aggravated energy – I went into fear and made the deliberate decision that it is ‘better not to speak’ – not because ‘it was my only option’ – but because in that moment I made a deliberate decision to adopt the motto of ‘it’s better not to speak’ within preferring the option of avoiding conflict/friction such as in aggravation over unconditional self-expression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen, realised, understood and admitted to myself that ‘it is better not to speak’ was not the only possible outcome to the scenario of being faced with an aggravated adult / parent / authoritative figure – where I could have made the decision to not allow someone’s expression within an aggravated energy to affect me and to simply continue expressing myself, regardless of someone’s reaction to what I expressed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the moment of receiving an aggravated reply upon something I expressed and experiencing fear and anxiety within not understanding the other person’s response and the energetic charge it was carrying – have put myself in a position of victimization where I accepted and allowed myself to place myself as inferior towards the other person, inferior towards aggravation and inferior to fear and anxiety – where I decided that these energetic charges were ‘more than’ me and that I could not handle standing in the face of them and within that made the decision that it is ‘better not to speak’ to avoid future scenarios where I would be faced with aggravation or other forms of conflict/friction and fear & anxiety

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me being a timid and shy person was not something which just ‘happened’ to me – but a deliberate decision I made in favour of avoiding fear, anxiety and conflict/friction over valuing self-expression – and within the moment of deciding ‘that it is better not to speak’ and ‘surrendering’ to energy as fear, anxiety, aggravation have made this point a reality for myself – where from then on I experienced myself as a ‘timid’ and ‘shy’ person without effectively understanding how I manifested this for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from the moment where I made the decision that ‘it is better not to speak/express’ – have from then on integrated this point to a level of automation – where whenever I was faced with a situation of conflict or even just possible conflict – have experienced myself as being ‘timid’ and ‘shy’ – without seemingly understanding how this experience comes about as if it just ‘happens’ to me and I have ‘no control’ over it and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my experience as being ‘timid’ and ‘shy’ in the face of (possible) conflict/friction as an automated response pattern was in fact a pattern I brought into being as myself within having made the decision ‘that it is better not to speak’ and within that effectively made that decision my reality

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Day 131: Timidity

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back

So, the first thing to do within looking at this pattern of ‘holding back’, is to look where it came from. So it’s inherently a fear-based point, where it’s almost like a form social anxiety or phobia

I can see this point extending through pretty much my entire life, where I’ve always been very timid around other people and would always be very reserved around others until I got to know them better. Obviously, I wasn’t born this way which indicates that this pattern must have originated within a family environment as being the predominant point of input within a child’s life (as remember this fear point within ages of 3-5 years of age) in the early stages of development.

Looking at this point, two memories come up.

One is of us watching the movie ‘Matilda’ at home, based on Roald Dahl’s book. At some stage, the father is busy sabotaging a car that he is going to sell, where Matilda tells him that it’s crooked and where the dad says “Listen, you little wiseacre: I'm smart, you're dumb; I'm big, you're little; I'm right, you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it.” When watching that scene and hearing those words – that point really hit me, especially in relation to my own father and other family members to a lesser extent. A statement as explicit in the movie was never really mentioned as far as I can remember, but when watching the scene it ‘hit me’ that this was the type of stuff that would go on at times where I would ask something or share stuff and would get a respond that I couldn’t really place and would be puzzled about it – where I knew something was ‘off’ but I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was.

The second memory is more of a ‘general’ memory as a point that would occur quite regularly. At home when I was small we mostly had one computer which everyone would share. I was very curious about computers and wanted to know more about them, so I would play around on the pc. I would check out the programs, click around to see what happens and this is basically how I taught myself to work with computers. Obviously, this method is not without making mistakes – as I was completely ignorant on how pc’s worked and was exploring through ‘click and see what happens’, which is like going through ‘trial and error’ – the computer would often end up going through some problems, showing me where I made a mistake. I didn’t know how to solve these problems so I would leave the pc and my dad would later come home and either I would quietly tell him or he would find out by himself – upon which he would get REALLY angry, as he’s very much into computers like they are his babies and there’s also the whole point of money involved where he was scared that I would break the pc to a point where he couldn’t fix it himself and would have to buy new parts. Trying out stuff on the pc was something I really enjoyed doing and exploring and is one of the reasons why I am currently quite handy with pcs. So after a few of my father’s outbreaks, I would start doing my little explorations in secret and in fear – out of fear that he would find out, get angry and lash out on me. So this is one of the points where I decided that I should keep things like this that I enjoyed doing/exploring to myself as I had connected a negative outcome to doing this type of things.

To be continued…

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Day 130: Holding Myself Back

I noticed an interesting little behavioral pattern of mine the other day. I was sitting with another discussing things, where I saw a point that I wanted to share – but where instead of simply immediately speaking and sharing here, in the moment – I first held back and kind of ‘buzzed’ inside myself as I went back and forth between ‘should I or shouldn’t I’. I then ended up speaking (though it was more like a mumble and had to repeat myself), and right after I was done I would instinctively move the scarf up that I was wearing, so that it was covering my mouth.

This action was quite clear in its ‘symbolism’ (don’t know if it’s really ‘symbolism’, since it’s pretty straight forward), where I was literally ‘gagging myself’ with my scarf – where I doubted saying something, said it, and then gagged myself in way saying ‘ok shut up now’.

So I took note of this point to work on later, as this was quite interesting.

Then later, I was working on my pc trying to figure out how to best do something. As I was looking at it I had an idea, and right away I moved my scarf up over my mouth. I noticed what I did since I had just seen it previously in the conversation I had, but this time there was no-one else in the room to talk to, and yet I was ‘gagging myself’ – which I found to be a bit awkward. Looking at it now, in terms of how I experienced myself in the conversation and how I experienced myself working on my pc – the scarf covering thing starts making sense.

While in the conversation when I would see a point I wanted to share, it’s like this ‘bubbly’ feeling inside my chest, like a little fountain squirting water that would occur – and instead of flowing with it I would stop and doubt and then ‘mumble share it’ and quickly cover my mouth as if I had already regretted speaking. While working on the pc and seeing how I could do something from a particular angle, that same ‘bubbly’/’fountainy’ experience would come up – where I immediately became insecure about what I wanted to do / being not sure about it and cover my mouth with the scarf. So it was interesting to see that even though within the pc scenario there was no speaking involved, the same pattern occurred indicating that it’s just a general point in relation to self-expression and not just speaking (which I thought it was after the conversation I had).


So within the next few blogs I want to work on this point of how I immediately hold back and kind of make myself ‘crawl back’ inside myself in relation to expression and just who I am in general as this is a point that seems to always be present in whatever I do, and most of the time. And to then also further identify other ways within which this point comes through because I’ve noticed that it doesn’t so much come through in thoughts so it’s harder to catch, where it just kind of ‘happens’ and I ‘slip’ into it, where it’s predominantly a point that comes through within how I hold myself physically and what movements I make (such as the scarf) and has like a ‘low profile’ energy experience being coupled to it. It’s basically like a quiet program running in the background the whole time, just slightly buzzing so I can only pick up on it if I really slow myself down and breathe.

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