Day 216: Internalizing Conversations

When I was small I had someone in my environment that would get very loud and aggressive in conflict situations. I had all these things I wanted to say but instead of saying them I would just *think* them, as to not trigger any more unnecessary reactions from the other and instead just ‘wait out’ the rant and rage until the energy ran out.

What I noticed is that I still play out this exact pattern in situations of conflict or possible conflict – without this pattern being ‘relevant’ anymore. Meaning, I know there is nothing to fear in terms of the other person irrationally lashing out or something like that, so there is space for me to speak and nothing ‘bad’ will happen. But I have now become so accustomed to ‘thinking it’ instead of ‘speaking it’ that something will be happening in front of me and I want to point out something, that I just think it and feel like I have ‘done my part’ and can go on now with my day / life.

What would happen later though is that the point would come and cycle over and over in my head as what I wanted to say but didn’t – where I didn’t give the point an outlet but instead internalized it and then my head becomes like a haunted house with this ghost haunting me because it has no direction, nowhere to go.

Then it would even come to the point where I would dream about the same conflict point and I am like screaaaming at the other person, simply because I hadn’t spoken/expressed my point in real, physical reality, where I now have to go and ‘let it out’ in my dreams, but by that time the point has accumulated to such an extent that how I behave in the dream is completely out of line and then I wake up in the morning going wtf, I have some stuff to sort out lol.

So this is obviously not cool that a singular point of holding back has to travel through all these dimensions to be ‘heard’ and ‘seen’ by me before I will consider actually working with the point, which is what I will work on next.

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Day 154: Cutting the Strings

This blog is a continuation to:

Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
Day 135: Stopping the Pattern
Day 136: Walking Back in Time
Day 137: Re-Acting Reactive Reactions
Day 138: Move or Be Moved
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?
Day 142: Respecting Beliefs
Day 143: Busted!
Day 144: Moving Beyond Self
Day 145: From Reaction to Self-Reflection
Day 146: Death of a Horse
Day 147 & 148: Aftermath - Death of a Horse
Day 149: Interpretation vs Seeing & Correcting
Day 150: How Dare you make me Feel Bad?
Day 151: My Way or the Highway
Day 152: Things are Not Always what they Seem
Day 153: Body – Marionette of the Mind
Day 154: Cutting the Strings

When and as I see myself participating within movements which just seemingly seem to ‘happen’ where these movements just come about without me actively directing and moving myself within awareness – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that if I am not the directive principle something else is and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and identify what program is directing my physical movement and work through it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements and Application

When and as I see myself moving my hand over my mouth within conversations/activities – I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am accessing my ‘holding back’ programming and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, ground myself as my human physical body and participate unconditionally and to investigate what fear point triggered the program and to work through it within writing and self-correction

When and as I see myself pick up my scarf and move towards my mouth / place it over my mouth – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that unless my face is cold there is no logical explanation as to why I would be placing my scarf over my mouth and so I must be accessing the ‘holding back’ program within and as me and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, remove the scarf and participate unconditionally

When and as I see myself move my hand in front of my mouth, move my scarf in front of my mouth, start mumbling or experience a movement of ‘holding back’ within my chest – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise I am accessing a program in support of ‘holding back’ indicating to me that I am reacting to a fear point and so I commit myself to correct these movements as removing my hand/scarf away from my mouth and start speaking clearly to assist and support myself to get out of my programmed response pattern to particular triggers and I commit myself to identify, trace, and pin-point the exact trigger that set the reaction into motion and work through it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself experiencing emotions and feelings such as fear and anxiety upon which I respond with particular movements which get set in motion without really knowing ‘how’ or ‘why’ I am responding this way – I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am playing out a programmed pattern designed to set off upon receiving particular triggers, where I have accepted and allowed such points/experiences/movements to a point of normalcy and so I commit myself to question every inner movement and outer movement as my human physical body within asking myself: where does this movement come from – am I the directive principle or not? And to accordingly assist and support myself to spot any patterns which I was not yet conscious of and to investigate them within self-reflective writing and write and apply myself to correction

I commit myself to identify/spot every moment where I go and access the ‘holding back’ program within myself and to correct myself each and every time until it is done

When and as I see myself experience resistance/difficulty in relation to stop the pattern of holding back within and as me and want to rather just ‘go with it’ as what I am used to / have allowed to become my ‘comfort zone’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I can either continue compromising myself to the rest of my life or I can make an effort to change, which will take some time, discipline, diligence, consistency and patience – but where I will have actually changed and have a result that I can be happy/satisfied with and so I commit myself to change within honouring myself and the best I can be

Related articles

• Day 153: Body - Marionette of the Mind
• Day 136: Walking Back in Time
• Day 145: From Reaction to Self-Reflection
• Day 163: Birthing ourselves as life, as a partnership Part 21 - Suppression.
• Day 130: Holding Myself Back
• Day 137: Re-Acting Reactive Reactions

Day 138: Move or Be Moved

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
Day 135: Stopping the Pattern
Day 136: Walking Back in Time
Day 137: Re-Acting Reactive Reactions

When and as I see myself wanting to speak and react to this within expecting/anticipating conflict/friction – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself into anticipating a particular reaction to me speaking based on memories of the past and so I commit myself to stop anticipating the future based on the past and express myself here unconditionally

When and as I see myself calculate whether I should speak or not based on my perception and interpretation of my environment where I scan/measure for the possibility of friction/conflict – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed myself to place limitation of self-expression based on fear and that I will never be able to live without compromise if my expression is limited/contingent on something else and so I commit myself to place expression in the function of expression itself and commit myself to express myself unconditionally within the starting point of what is best for all

When and as I see myself manage my movement and expression in relation to my environment in terms of possible inputs as reactions causing reactions within me – where I want to avoid certain inputs and seek out other – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is no self-movement and no self-direction existent within this as I am merely manipulating myself and my inner reality within placing myself as less than life and a slave to reactions and so I commit myself to walk here breath by breath and express myself unconditionally and remove the layers of automation based on reaction within me so I can walk here as Life

When and as I see myself holding back on speaking in favour of avoiding conflict/friction – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that accepting and allowing just this singular point within me indicates that I cannot be trusted as this pattern indicates that when it comes down to it I will pick energy/reaction over Life and so I commit myself to self-expression and to push through fear and energy reaction and stick to breath

When and as I see myself justify suppression within not speaking within the belief that doing something or not doing something if it means being able to avoid conflict/friction/fear is totally okay – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is how I sabotage myself into not changing and so I commit myself to stop my excuses and to push through fear and actually change

I commit myself to place myself over fear as self-limitation and express myself as a statement of self-value and self-appreciation as I see and realise that every moment I hold back and not speak in the name of fear I am stabbing myself in the back which is not something I want to live by

Related articles

• Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
• Day 136: Walking Back in Time
• Day 135: Stopping the Pattern
• Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
• Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
• Day 229: Learned Helplessness Character - Dimensional Template

Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a necessary connection between ‘speaking’ and ‘conflict/friction’ – where I believe that the one always follows the other

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed speaking in function of conflict/friction – where me speaking or not speaking will not depend on myself as what I want to express but is conditioned/linked-to the prospect of conflict/friction – where if there is a possibility for conflict/friction I will refrain from speaking and if I see no such prospect then I will speak and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that no self-expression exists within this as my responses are calculated, programmed and predictable according to the variables in place in my environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have put my life in service of energy/reactions – where all I ever do is manage my reactions and try to manage my environment to attain preferable/favourable reactions/energies within myself – where in the end there is no ‘me’ to speak of – as all I ever do is react in a programmable, predictable way – where ‘who I am’ as who I believe myself to be as a ‘person’ and a ‘being’ that is alive is just a joke as all I exist as is software running with no substance whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up on life and common sense in favour of avoiding conflict/friction so that I could avoid conflict/friction within myself – not seeing and realising that within this one singular point All is compromised completely – as when it comes down to making decisions about things that matter, I will always follow the path of energy and disregard Life – as this is what I decided and programmed/scripted within myself within not speaking if there is a prospect/possibility for conflict/friction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear energy as conflict/friction and within that made a deal within myself that it is totally okay and justifiable to do things when they get me to avoid conflict/friction -- no matter what the consequences or repercussions are

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value/prioritize energy over expression where I will accept and allow myself to compromise if it means that I may have possible avoided conflict/friction – and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise what such agreements within myself manifest within myself as the relationship I have towards myself where I basically state within living out such patterns that I am okay with compromising and betraying myself as long as I can get away from conflict/friction and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that within doing so that there is no point to Life because I have given away all my power and have accepted and allowed myself to have become a pinball being thrown around and will just function and act according to whatever inputs are given to me


Being on the farm this point has still been haunting me a lot if not daily. I truly believed that this would be a point that I would just have to ‘live with’ as something I would never be able to walk through/go beyond. But working with people here on the farm and working with animals (especially my horse) and in the end: working with myself – I’ve slowly but surely started to see that I don’t have to react within fear to conflict/friction. This is a really big point for me, but day by day, little by little, push by push I would start finding myself in situations of conflict/friction where it would be playing out right in front of me – and where I would just be here, stable and see how I could be able to direct this point. And then as it happened, I go “Oh my god – it’s just not there, it’s just gone – I can actually experience myself this way? Calm? Stable? This is amazing!!!!!”. And it is really a wonderful experience to be able to stand in situation where you’ve known yourself to have failed your WHOLE Life – and then, in just a small moment, you notice you’ve changed and that you do not have to be that limited version of yourself – that you never had to be that version of yourself. And it’s like ‘Ah’ – such a relief.

We get so brainwashed by our own beliefs of who we think we are and what we can handle, that we do not even try anymore to go beyond what we know/believe ourselves to be. And it’s such a pity, because we just waste our whole life away living out patterns and reactions that we created throughout children, just over and over and over and over and over again until your dead. That’s not freedom, that’s not free will – that’s entrapment.

If you are reading this and you find that you are not satisfied with who you are because of stupid fears and beliefs that hold you back from becoming the best possible version that you can be: definitely check out the Desteni I Process Lite and the Desteni Forum to step by step find out what it is that you’ve accepted and allowed yourself to become, and to slowly but surely push those limitations and boundaries until they shatter. Because who we are now and currently exist as, is only limitation – we do not have the slightest idea ‘who we are’ – so it’s time to get rid of these limitations and find out what’s underneath all that garbage.

Related articles

• Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
• Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
• The Angels and Demons of God as ENERGY: DAY 226
• Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie

Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was a child and expressed something towards an adult / parent / authority figure and have gotten an aggravated reply to which I reacted within experiencing fear and anxiety – have made the decision within myself that it is better not to speak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘it is better not to speak’ was the only ‘logical’ thing to do/ assume when being faced with an aggravated adult / parent / authority figure – where I believed that this conclusion was the only possible way to respond to such an occurrence and that I as such had not actively participated within that decision – where ‘not speaking’ was the only possible outcome as something that just ‘happened’ to me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me becoming timid and shy as a result of an event where I expressed something and got an aggravated reply -- did not just ‘happen’ – as the change happened within myself and not outside myself, and thus I played a role within becoming a timid person – where in the moment where the adult / parent / authoritative figure replied to me within an aggravated energy – I went into fear and made the deliberate decision that it is ‘better not to speak’ – not because ‘it was my only option’ – but because in that moment I made a deliberate decision to adopt the motto of ‘it’s better not to speak’ within preferring the option of avoiding conflict/friction such as in aggravation over unconditional self-expression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen, realised, understood and admitted to myself that ‘it is better not to speak’ was not the only possible outcome to the scenario of being faced with an aggravated adult / parent / authoritative figure – where I could have made the decision to not allow someone’s expression within an aggravated energy to affect me and to simply continue expressing myself, regardless of someone’s reaction to what I expressed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the moment of receiving an aggravated reply upon something I expressed and experiencing fear and anxiety within not understanding the other person’s response and the energetic charge it was carrying – have put myself in a position of victimization where I accepted and allowed myself to place myself as inferior towards the other person, inferior towards aggravation and inferior to fear and anxiety – where I decided that these energetic charges were ‘more than’ me and that I could not handle standing in the face of them and within that made the decision that it is ‘better not to speak’ to avoid future scenarios where I would be faced with aggravation or other forms of conflict/friction and fear & anxiety

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me being a timid and shy person was not something which just ‘happened’ to me – but a deliberate decision I made in favour of avoiding fear, anxiety and conflict/friction over valuing self-expression – and within the moment of deciding ‘that it is better not to speak’ and ‘surrendering’ to energy as fear, anxiety, aggravation have made this point a reality for myself – where from then on I experienced myself as a ‘timid’ and ‘shy’ person without effectively understanding how I manifested this for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from the moment where I made the decision that ‘it is better not to speak/express’ – have from then on integrated this point to a level of automation – where whenever I was faced with a situation of conflict or even just possible conflict – have experienced myself as being ‘timid’ and ‘shy’ – without seemingly understanding how this experience comes about as if it just ‘happens’ to me and I have ‘no control’ over it and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my experience as being ‘timid’ and ‘shy’ in the face of (possible) conflict/friction as an automated response pattern was in fact a pattern I brought into being as myself within having made the decision ‘that it is better not to speak’ and within that effectively made that decision my reality

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Day 130: Holding Myself Back

I noticed an interesting little behavioral pattern of mine the other day. I was sitting with another discussing things, where I saw a point that I wanted to share – but where instead of simply immediately speaking and sharing here, in the moment – I first held back and kind of ‘buzzed’ inside myself as I went back and forth between ‘should I or shouldn’t I’. I then ended up speaking (though it was more like a mumble and had to repeat myself), and right after I was done I would instinctively move the scarf up that I was wearing, so that it was covering my mouth.

This action was quite clear in its ‘symbolism’ (don’t know if it’s really ‘symbolism’, since it’s pretty straight forward), where I was literally ‘gagging myself’ with my scarf – where I doubted saying something, said it, and then gagged myself in way saying ‘ok shut up now’.

So I took note of this point to work on later, as this was quite interesting.

Then later, I was working on my pc trying to figure out how to best do something. As I was looking at it I had an idea, and right away I moved my scarf up over my mouth. I noticed what I did since I had just seen it previously in the conversation I had, but this time there was no-one else in the room to talk to, and yet I was ‘gagging myself’ – which I found to be a bit awkward. Looking at it now, in terms of how I experienced myself in the conversation and how I experienced myself working on my pc – the scarf covering thing starts making sense.

While in the conversation when I would see a point I wanted to share, it’s like this ‘bubbly’ feeling inside my chest, like a little fountain squirting water that would occur – and instead of flowing with it I would stop and doubt and then ‘mumble share it’ and quickly cover my mouth as if I had already regretted speaking. While working on the pc and seeing how I could do something from a particular angle, that same ‘bubbly’/’fountainy’ experience would come up – where I immediately became insecure about what I wanted to do / being not sure about it and cover my mouth with the scarf. So it was interesting to see that even though within the pc scenario there was no speaking involved, the same pattern occurred indicating that it’s just a general point in relation to self-expression and not just speaking (which I thought it was after the conversation I had).


So within the next few blogs I want to work on this point of how I immediately hold back and kind of make myself ‘crawl back’ inside myself in relation to expression and just who I am in general as this is a point that seems to always be present in whatever I do, and most of the time. And to then also further identify other ways within which this point comes through because I’ve noticed that it doesn’t so much come through in thoughts so it’s harder to catch, where it just kind of ‘happens’ and I ‘slip’ into it, where it’s predominantly a point that comes through within how I hold myself physically and what movements I make (such as the scarf) and has like a ‘low profile’ energy experience being coupled to it. It’s basically like a quiet program running in the background the whole time, just slightly buzzing so I can only pick up on it if I really slow myself down and breathe.

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