Day 48: Studying and Fear - Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when one of my friends/classmates regurgitated our textbook information of the exam we were about to do - have gone into fear when I realised that I cannot do this - I can't reproduce all the information perfectly/by heart - and within that lost all trust within myself within doing the exam - because I believed that I need to be able to repeat the textbook information perfectly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when one of my friends/classmates regurgitated our textbook information of the exam we were about to do - have observed the behaviour / reactions of my other classmates, where they were all panicking because they couldn't repeat the textbook information the same way she did - and where I looked at myself not panicking and then thinking I should panic because everyone else is panicking, I should also panic because just like them I don't know all this information by heart

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the fear of others within believing that if everyone responds to fear within a certain situation - that this situation requires to be responded to with fear - where it is 'normal' to go into fear - instead of assessing the information within common sense practicality for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is real and that since everyone participates in fear, that it is something which is 'good' for us to participate in - without ever questioning the nature of fear as self-limitation where fear can never be good for oneself because even if one is in a danger situation, within accessing fear one's only placing more strain on oneself which leaves one less aware of the environment and more susceptible to the danger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if you are able to repeat information perfectly without looking at the information on paper - that this means that you 'know' the material and that you'll be able to pass the exam

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if you are able to repeat information perfectly without looking at the information on paper - that this means that you are able to sequence words/information just like they are on the paper without looking - but this does not imply any form of understanding - where one could for instance have learnt all the information of a textbook by heart but then fail the exam because one is not able to place the information with the corresponding questions - because the actual nature/essence of the material has not been understood as what the text is about, where one only focused on the 'picture presentation' of the material as the sequence of words without having any form of comprehension

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself unconditionally within that moment of seeing everyone panic in the face of the girl being able to repeat everything perfectly - where I knew that my study method worked because I had done it over and over again and always worked out - where I trusted myself in being able to answer the exam questions based on my understanding of the material / underlying dynamics/mechanics of what we had learnt and thus from within that point of comprehension be able to produce a perfectly adequate answer to any question pertaining the material

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that moment of seeing the girl being perfectly able to repeat the information and seeing everyone else panic - have lost complete trust in myself and my studying ability because I hadn't considered learning everything by heart because it just seemed like too much of a fuss - but now that I saw her doing it I felt like I had made the wrong decision and that my 'laziness' had gotten the best of me or something - within the belief that if you don't suffer during studying (which I felt 'learning by heart' was) - that something's wrong and that you're not doing it right / cheating the studying process and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that studying does not have to equal suffering

When and as I see myself reacting within fear to someone being able to regurgitate information from a textbook perfectly -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am entering a point of distrust within myself as self-doubt, even though my experience has shown that I can study and pass exams without memorizing information verbatim. Within that I commit myself to stop my fear and re-establish my self-trust

When and as I see myself observing others' behaviour in relation to an event -- and feeling compelled to adopt the same behaviour within the belief that 'if everyone's doing it, it must be the right/suitable thing to do within this particular situaiton' -- I stop and I Breathe -- I see and realise that the observation that 'if everyone is doing it, it must be right' - is not valid, as I have seen for myself that the world works in reverse -- and thus I commit myself to within moments where I want to 'follow the crowd' stop, check what is going on -- what behaviour I am trying to follow and flag it to work on within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself reacting within fear to a situation when I see everyone else also doing it -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that fear does not assist and support me so I stop myself and trust myself to not participate within fear, even when everyone else is doing this. I commit myself to look at the event and the fear it triggered and release myself from the connection/relationship of the event and the fear connected to it

I commit myself to show that fear is not normal nor 'supportive' in anyway whatsoever and is in fact a behavioural disorder we've all accepted and allowed within ourselves -- and just because everyone is doing it does not mean it's "okay"

When and as I see myself access the belief that 'if one is able to memorize information and spill it out perfectly one knows the material' in relation to studying -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that it is just that = a belief -- and does not have any practical relation to reality. I commit myself to show that our current educational system does not care about the effective integration of information within teaching as it teaches children to memorize information and are satisfied if they can regurgitate this without testing for actual understanding -- where all our current educational system cares about is performance goals, and where thus accordingly children will only care about 'goals' as 'grades' where they will do what it takes to get high grades without where students will memorise information and then spill it out during exams/tests and right after forget all about it -- revealing how ineffective our education system as become

I commit myself to trust myself within studying and to take the time to take in the information within understanding

When and as I see myself access the belief that 'if you're not suffering while studying, you're doing it wrong' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this is just an idea/belief I created and imposed on myself. And within that I commit myself to show that one does not have to 'suffer' while suffering and that it is possible to simply integrate the information within self-trust and access it when needed

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Vocabulary is the Key to Self-Expansion

I always thought that Economy was boring and that I just had to stay away from it.

In my first year of High School there wasn’t much choice in terms of what you could study. The main course most of the students would go for had economy – I did Latin. I heard that Economy was stupid, boring and that it had math.

In general I had already created the idea that everything money related ‘out there in the world’ – was very complicated and boring. Mainly because whenever I had gotten into contact with it, I simply did not understand it. So my main reaction was: just stay away from it.

In later years I never went on a pursuit to understand our economic system or how our world operates, I had closed that door with my judgments.

Only later as I got involved with Desteni and the Equal Money Proposal, it got to me that I do not have any clue of how or money system works and how the world operates.
Yes I could see that something was wrong as I could observe poverty on the news, homeless people in the city. But I had no actual idea of how these manifestations came about. I saw them as one of the many ‘facts of life’ which I did not question at all.

So when Desteni came up with the Equal Money point, I got a bit grumpy because now I had to go and investigate money. I saw myself as very ‘money illiterate’ – I had only recently gotten my own bank account and bank card which I only has used like once lol. Throughout my life I was always taken care of by my parents and received some pocket money that was mine to spend.

I thought of myself as being incapable of researching a point like this and whenever I made an attempt I could not understand what was being discussed because the terms they used was not part of my vocabulary. I simply gave up.

We fast forward a bit more.

I am now living at the Desteni Farm and all the girls have decided to study at University.

It was kind of tacitly agreed upon that all of us were going to study psychology. Then when registration came closer I asked myself “Is this really what I want to study?”. I went to the university’s website and checked out what other curriculum they offered. One of them caught my eye. It was a study in Politics, Philosophy and Economy. Politics and Economy were very unknown to me but I could see the importance of Politics and Economy within the context of establishing World Equality and an Equal Money System. I had gotten Philosophy in High School and Gabriel, my elder brother had studied philosophy at University and I was always enjoyed what he had to share about what he had learnt over the weekend.

I had already read quite a bit on Psychology and whenever I had gotten Religion in high school it was more psychology than anything else.

I also figured that just because I had allowed myself to see myself as ‘not an economy person’ - that this should not hold me back. I saw that money was important to research so I willed myself to be interested in it lol.

From that perspective this course seemed quite challenging and it was something ‘new’. The description for the study said that it would equip the student with critical thinking skills within the area of politics and economy and work towards identifying problems and providing solutions. This seemed perfect for me in relation to the establishment of an Equal Money System.

I discussed this with Maite (my sister) and she said she was actually also not much interested in Psychology and seemed happy that I had found this other course. So we ended up both registering for this one instead.
Whereas I had previously always loved philosophy, it was an absolute pain in the*ss. The module was one big mess that made no (common) sense at all and I realized how delusional I had been in the past towards philosophy. Politics and Economy on the other hand are the subjects that I’ve enjoyed the most!

I am very glad that I decided to push through my resistance of getting to know our money system better. In a short period of time I’ve enabled myself to grasp and process such much more within my world.

Even now I can see how when I was small I got scared looking at certain things just because I didn’t understand, I did not have the vocabulary to grasp what was going on.

I remember very clearly for instance, that when I was still a toddler in school (and all we did was play all the long) we had to go into a classroom of the kids that were6-7 years old. I was standing in front and started looking at one of the books that was lying open on one of the kid’s desk. It had some weird figures on it and number and I went “WTF whas that!” inside myself. I looked at the kids whose book it was and he had a very sad face. I went into anxiety as I was thinking about how one day I will be sitting in that kid’s position having that book open in front of me and having to understand it.

Later when the moment came and I was that kid – we got to the particular page in the book that I had seen a few years back and the figure and numbers were completely clear to me! I thought it was very funny that I had been so scared, as it was just a matter of learning new words (and figures) to be able to understand what was going on. Then throughout primary school I was scared of high school because what I had seen my brother and sister study was completely unknown to me. Again when I got there myself it all made sense.

Then throughout high school I feared university and now that I’m at university I see that there’s nothing to be scared about lol (again).

In essence – the difficulty level of primary school, high school and university = are exactly the same. The only thing that changes is vocabulary. Anyone can learn anything as long as you learn all the words, it’s really just that simple.