Leila's Journey to Life: expression

Showing posts with label expression. Show all posts

Wednesday, 4 November 2020

Day 241: Enjoyment

I forgive you I have accepted and allowed myself to fear enjoying myself as my expression as who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is not safe to enjoy myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is safe to be in fear, despite the physical experience and evidence that anything done out of fear only creates more fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up on enjoying myself as my expression as me - believing and perceiving that there is no space for expression and enjoyment in this world - despite everyone actually wanting to enjoy and express themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over the years have trained myself out of expression and into fear until it manifested as a physical integration

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that it is going to take time to train myself out of fear and into expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being able to 'snap out' of the fear conditioned experiences in my body - not seeing and realizing that it took time to condition my body to fear and that it takes time to deliberately recondition the body to expression

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am going through a learning process specific to my process and location point where I am and have been walking through a lot of points that are specifically challenging to me - where we all have our challenge points and periods, our 'Dark Night of the Soul'

I commit myself to see and realize that this is not forever and that this too will end

I commit myself to trust that I learn and grow from these experiences, no matter how painful it may currently seem

I commit myself to walk this phase without judgment

Monday, 26 August 2013

Day 225: Fear of Freedom

While working on re-defining the word 'No' and in general looking at all the particular charges, layers and dimensions I had attached to the word 'No' over the years -- an interesting point opened up (well many opened up lol). This one in particular was a fear point, whereby I had created a fear towards the word 'No' in relation to 'Freedom of Choice' / 'Freedom of Expression'.

Growing up in Belgium, our country was considered to be a very 'modern' society. Part of that meant that we were 'multi-cultural' with many people living in Belgium coming from various different cultural backgrounds and religions. With this, we were taught to be 'tolerant' and `Respectful of other people's beliefs'. Only if we take on such an attitude along with one of 'minding your own business' approach - can we live 'peacefully together'.

When you're being taught all these things, it all 'sound nice' and 'seems to make sense' (because you don't necessarily want other people to question your beliefs). Afterwards in my life, especially during teenage years and later -- this 'Freedom point' and 'having to respect others' freedoms' started bothering me. This was because I would for instance ask someone for help or ask someone to assist me with something, where without their assistance i would not have been able to pursue the point, and they would simply say 'No' and when asking further as to 'why not' -- it would simply be a matter of 'because I don't want to / feel like it'. Or if I would question friends' behaviour I would get a response of 'I can't change who I am' and ' either respect and accept who I am or don't be my friend' type of response.

What I did not like about these points is that I felt powerless within these situations. I could sense something was 'off' but had these rules that we lived by such as 'respect anther's beliefs' and 'respect other people's choices/freedom' which pretty much told me that I was not allowed or supposed to ask questions any further - but leave it at that and would have to merely 'swallow' whatever response I had gotten as this was the collective agreement that had been made. It was really more of a compromise everyone had accepted to live by, where "there's going to be people doing and saying things that you don't like, but as long as you leave them alone they will leave you alone as well and then we have 'peace' ". So we're never really completely satisfied and actually disagree 'but we'll take it' -- and now we have twisted and turned this act of 'just taking it', into some 'benevolent' and 'integrity' dimension -- where it has become a 'good' and 'positive thing' to do -- while it's really just a matter of avoiding each others’ disagreements for the sake of avoiding conflict because we can't really trust each other to behave 'rationally'. So as long as we 'play nice' we do not have to be faced by and with our underlying unpleasant and irrational behaviour. So this whole 'respect another's opinion/freedom/beliefs' is really actually a negative manifestation, as it finds its origin within negativity itself -- but now we've brainwashed ourselves to believe that 'it is a good thing'.

To be continued

Saturday, 29 June 2013

Day 217: Suppression will keep me Safe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an automated pattern of expressing things ‘quietly’ within the chambers of my mind / internal reality before even considering expressing / voicing myself out loud / within my external reality out of a fear of potential/possible conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined it as ‘safe’ to express things within my mind as thoughts and eventually backchat – where I believe that I am escaping consequence through not voicing myself out loud in my environment / external reality and within doing so avoiding any conflict that may arise from my ‘point of
view’, while still being able to ‘have my say’, even though I am the only one hearing it…

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have in no way been ‘escaping consequence’ and ‘avoiding conflict’ within keeping myself to voicing my point of view only as thoughts within my mind – as I have clearly experienced the consequence and conflict that results within, from not sharing what I have to say within a particular situation, where within me only voicing my point of view within my mind, I am the only one being able to take it into consideration and thus there is no space for others to receive my feedback and adjust/re-align points in the external reality that we share, which will thus result in the same point returning over and over again and thus me repeating my point of view within my mind over and over until it becomes a point of back chat and dream possession, where I may have possibly avoided an argument, but am now stuck with inner conflict / energy possession that I have to direct, which in the end still leads to me having to simply express/voice myself in the moment as the opportunity opens up no matter whether there is conflict forecasted or not, as this is the only way to get our external reality managed while and keeping the peace inside myself lol – there is no ‘other way’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conditioned my expression in an absolute way as a result of only one / a few occasions/occurrences of violent conflict within my life in relation to expression, where from those few instances/occurrences I created an absolute, fixed, eternal ‘rule’ as to how I am now going to behave and express myself at all times no matter the context of the situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conditioned my expression within tying it to the possibility of conflict (where the possibility is always there if you’re paranoid enough about it) where I created a character and personality of ‘rather keeping things for myself’, where this ‘rather’ is purely based on fear and is not really/actually any form of ‘preference’ or ‘indication of who I am’ but simply a fear-based defense mechanism where I believe I am keeping myself ‘safe’ through holding myself back

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that in an attempt to ‘try and be safe’ within not speaking / expressing myself out loud within my external reality ,but resorting to suppression as internally ‘thinking about it’ – I am in fact placing myself in harm’s way as I am encouraging myself to become a danger to myself within allowing thoughts and backchat to accumulate to a point where it just ‘explodes’ and ‘needs to come out’ which even though it hasn’t happened yet, can lead to possible consequential situations/events where I can put myself and others in harm’s way through acting out a Mind Possession

Monday, 24 June 2013

Day 216: Internalizing Conversations

When I was small I had someone in my environment that would get very loud and aggressive in conflict situations. I had all these things I wanted to say but instead of saying them I would just *think* them, as to not trigger any more unnecessary reactions from the other and instead just ‘wait out’ the rant and rage until the energy ran out.

What I noticed is that I still play out this exact pattern in situations of conflict or possible conflict – without this pattern being ‘relevant’ anymore. Meaning, I know there is nothing to fear in terms of the other person irrationally lashing out or something like that, so there is space for me to speak and nothing ‘bad’ will happen. But I have now become so accustomed to ‘thinking it’ instead of ‘speaking it’ that something will be happening in front of me and I want to point out something, that I just think it and feel like I have ‘done my part’ and can go on now with my day / life.

What would happen later though is that the point would come and cycle over and over in my head as what I wanted to say but didn’t – where I didn’t give the point an outlet but instead internalized it and then my head becomes like a haunted house with this ghost haunting me because it has no direction, nowhere to go.

Then it would even come to the point where I would dream about the same conflict point and I am like screaaaming at the other person, simply because I hadn’t spoken/expressed my point in real, physical reality, where I now have to go and ‘let it out’ in my dreams, but by that time the point has accumulated to such an extent that how I behave in the dream is completely out of line and then I wake up in the morning going wtf, I have some stuff to sort out lol.

So this is obviously not cool that a singular point of holding back has to travel through all these dimensions to be ‘heard’ and ‘seen’ by me before I will consider actually working with the point, which is what I will work on next.

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Day 151: My Way or the Highway

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?
Day 142: Respecting Beliefs
Day 143: Busted!
Day 144: Moving Beyond Self
Day 145: From Reaction to Self-Reflection
Day 149: Interpretation vs Seeing & Correcting
Day 150: How Dare you make me Feel Bad?

When and as I see myself react to criticism or ‘negative feedback’ in relation to something I said or did within ‘wanting to not do it at all anymore’ or ‘only doing it in secret’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is not an actual solution, nor is it real change – as I am merely moving to the opposite pole without addressing the issue as a form of protection mechanism and so I commit myself to identify what it is I am trying to protect as self-interest and hear the words spoken to me and align my application to take into consideration all who are affected within what I say / do and not just my own interest

When and as I see myself react upon seeing that I require to change my application to take others into consideration and within that believe that this ‘takes the fun out of it’ where I then rather do not want to do it at all or do it in secret so I do not have to hear / be faced with criticism/feedback that indicates that I should change – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that within this I am not allowing myself to be the directive principle within ‘having fun’ as I have placed particular conditions and limitations on fun and self-enjoyment where ‘taking others into consideration’ is apparently ‘not fun’ and something wherein I ‘cannot enjoy myself’, and where instead of seeing and changing this point I go into the opposite of ‘not wanting to do it at all’ or ‘doing it in secret’ and so I commit myself to move myself to integrate self-enjoyment within the principle that is Best for All

When and as I see myself reacting to feedback that indicate that I would have to change how I do things with thoughts such as “If I can’t do it my way then I won’t do it at all” or “What’s the point if I can’t do it MY way” – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is a form of spitefulness as resistance to change, reflecting back to me my self-interested nature and unwillingness to take others into consideration and so I commit myself to address my backchat and hear the words spoken/written and expand my self-application to take into consideration others as myself

When and as I see myself react to feedback given to me in relation to something I did or said and react to this within feeling offended / attacked and then only give this experience attention – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am in reactive mode and not actually hearing what is being said and so I commit myself to hear / look at the words spoken and whether or not they are relevant to my situation without taking it personal

When and as I see myself react to someone giving me feedback about something that I said or did that indicates that I require to change within feeling attacked and judging the other for what they said within accessing the belief that whatever I do as an outflow of “my expression” should be respected and simply accepted no matter what where in turn I will do the same for others -- I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that living by such a principle is what got us into the mess of today in the first place and will not get us anywhere and so I commit myself to no longer live by this principle and re-align my behaviour and responsiveness within myself to the principle of what is Best for All – Always

When and as I see myself react to criticism/feedback which indicates a requirement of change within myself within believing that this is unacceptable and an attack on my ‘god given unique expression’ where I did not have a say on ‘who I am’ and thus it is not fair for someone to attack me on this point because it is simply ‘who I am’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is nothing unique about ‘who I am’ as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, as it is merely the result/outflow of particular inputs producing equal outputs and thus there is nothing ‘special’, ‘holy’ or ‘sacred’ about it, as it is merely a matter of simple mathematics and so I commit myself to change my programming and align my response-ability to go beyond the limitations of my programming as how I was brought up in the context of a society of inequality and greed, to structure myself in a way that is Best for All life as the only worthwhile way to be

Sunday, 23 December 2012

Day 149: Interpretation vs Seeing & Correcting

When and as I see myself noticing consequence within me playing in any form, as the result of how I am playing around but want to ‘hold on’ to my way of doing things even though the feedback I am giving is telling me that it is not working effectively for everyone – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am being selfish within wanting to hold on to ‘my way of doing things’ – where I want to have fun the way I want to do it, where I believe that any deviation from MY WAY is a compromise which makes whatever I do NOT Fun anymore, not seeing and realising that I am in fact compromising by not changing as this has consequence for not just me but other people as well and so I commit myself to investigate ‘my way’ and see how I can change things in my approach to make sure that no consequences come about which could have been prevented if only I cared to prevent them

When and as I see myself react to others getting angry or giving me “negative” feedback in terms of how I do things for fun and take this personal within believing that it is ‘not fair’ because ‘I’m just having fun’ and ‘Why can’t they just leave me alone’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am only taking my mind experience into consideration and do not want to give this up and so do not investigate how what I am doing may create damage to others and so I commit myself to unconditionally look at who I am in what I am doing and check whether how I am doing things cannot be done differently without taking it personal as it is just a matter of acting in a way that’s best for all and aligning my application

When and as I see myself react to “negative feedback” in relation to what I do within believing that it is about me personally and that this means that “I am not good enough” and that “I should hide” – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am merely interpreting the feedback given to me and distract myself with thoughts of self-judgment instead of looking at the point, where within giving in to such thoughts and not looking at how I can perfect myself I am actually manifesting myself as ‘not good enough’ as I am deliberately not pushing myself to be the best version of myself that I can be and so I commit myself to stop thoughts of self-judgment and instead simply look at the practical points in terms of how I can specify and expand my application in whatever I do, such as having fun

When and as I see myself in a situation where one is angry at me and I am reacting within fear/anxiety/crying – where I believe that he is wrong just because he is angry which I interpret as ‘exerting power over me’ and believe that I am right simply because I am in fear and crying which I interpret as ‘being a victim’ where a victim is ‘always right’ – where the other is the ‘bad guy’ and I am ‘the poor girl’ – and within that do not look at anything that has been said simply because of this weird-ass conviction – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am allowing myself to be limited in what I see due to belief systems that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me and so I commit myself to investigate my belief systems and remove them to assist myself being able to see the bigger picture and correct myself accordingly

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Day 143: Busted!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a relationship of fear and anxiety in relation to expression – where I received feedback that I had perceived and interpreted as being ‘negative’ and accepted and allowed myself to take this feedback personal – where instead of investigating my expression and what it is that I am participating within and see how I can improve to ensure that it is best for all – I went into a mode of self-victimization and self-pity and would instead start hiding within expressing rather than investigating and correcting

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise how I made my own anticipations come true – where I feared and expected the same type/form of feedback to come out in relation to my expression – which obviously would happen since I didn’t change but merely started hiding/going into secrecy – where the integration of fear and anxiety resulting in shyness and timidity was my ‘trade off’ and ‘deal with the devil’ in order to be able to remain unchanged in ‘who I am’ as ‘who I believed myself to be as expression’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I put myself in the position of being timid / shy in relation to my expression – because I know that my expression is not best for all and evidently can be criticised, where I go into ‘holding back’ and ‘fear of speaking’ because I know that what I might possible say / do is not in consideration of all and thus I may receive the feedback which I fear as feedback of disagreement as an indicators that I require to change – where I thus rather ‘hold back’ and ‘not speak’ because I rather not put myself in a position where I am faced with having to change / re-consider who I am and whether this ‘who I am’ is in fact worthy of existing

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if I were to truly express myself, I would simply do so no matter what the feedback may be – where I welcome and embrace so called ‘negative feedback’ as criticism as this is in fact an opportunity for me to learn, correct, specify and expand – and it is thus in fact stupid to want to hold back and ‘not go there’ out of fear of comment, because this merely implies that one wants to hold on to one’s limited existence and is not really interested in establishing self as a version that is Best in all ways and thus also not interested in establishing a World that is truly Best for All

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have viewed ‘timidity’ and ‘shyness’ as ‘innocent’ manifestations, where I belittle these points and go ‘poor thing’ towards myself and others which I see displaying such behaviour – not seeing and realising that any manifestation of personality is ALWAYS Self-Interest and embedded within the point of Not wanting to Change and so I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have thoroughly investigated my relationship with all forms of personality traits, whether I perceive them as ‘good’, ‘bad’ or ‘neutral’ – as any distorted relationship with any such points hinders and obstructs my insight into these points and thus myself where I will overlook and not consider particular dimensions/angles because I have already created a value judgement about particular points – where if I am faced with a point but have already interpreted to be ‘innocent’ – I will not know how to deal with the point because I do not see ‘what is wrong’ with it and will go ‘blank’ and then leave it as I have not yet questioned / investigated the point within myself and will have to timeloop and accumulate experiences and memories until I can see which can be prevented through writing and self-intimacy