Day 201: Classmates or Competitors?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 199: Exam Nightmares
Day 200: I Don't Do Bad Grades 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that I 'must have good grades'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that I 'must have good grades' within observing my siblings having good grades and this being praised by my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that 'passing' is not good enough and that one should always aim for a '100%'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a fear of bad grades within having been pushed/motivated to 'always have good grades', as others indicated that 'having good grades' will give you the widest variety of options for your future and thus if I have bad grades I am putting in danger my future as I won't necessarily be able to study / follow what I want if/when bad grades limit me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my desire for good grades is rooted/embedded within the fear of having bad grades as fearing for my future / having limited career options

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have promised to myself that I will never allow myself to have bad grades because if I do I might end up in a miserable position in the system

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have questioned my parents or the education system, where it became clear that even though school was a place where I could be with my friends and play during break times -- I was at the same time in a race/competition with the other children in the class, a race/competition for future status in society/the system -- where some will study hard to make sure that they will be able to further their education while others don't or simply can't with the means available and where each child does not look out or look back at one's friends or care about their situation because we all know 'someone has to do the sucky jobs one day' but 'at least it won't be me because I have good grades'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into a form of tunnel vision, where all I could see was a straight vision to my future / future position in society/the system -- where all I cared about was 'getting good grades' as this was what I understood to be my 'ticket' to a nice life in the system -- where there was no time or space to consider others who may not be doing as well as I was and thus would possibly end up in less favourable positions in society/system -- but where instead of helping/assisting them I only went further into fear as I 'cannot waste any time on them' and must 'take advantage' of their shortcomings as this puts me 'further ahead' in the race

Related articles

• Day 156: Competitive thoughts - part 2
• Conquering The Contest Of Survival - Day 388
• I Really Want You To Fail - Day 386
• The Things We Do To Feel Good About Ourselves - Day 387
• Day 338 Self Interest is Ignorant to consideration. Part 3
• Day 191: Reacting to Futility, and to WTF I've Done.

Day 24: Life as a CharActor

A memory came up of when I was in high school while I was listening to the ‘Real Communication’ Life Review Interview, where at some point when I was 16-17 years old, I actually dreaded the break times in between classes, especially lunch time as it was longer, as it would mean spending my time with my classmates. I never really formed any relationships with any of my friends as I never really opened myself up or shared any intimate points or experiences with them – so ultimately all my friendships were based on talking about “stuff” as sharing our likes and dislikes as gossiping about people, talking about music, movies, fashion, etc.

Where all we did every day was re-enforce and re-confirm our own characters within ourselves, using one another’s likes and dislikes to validate that “who we are” as ‘character’ is in fact ‘real’, and the ‘right character’ to be – and all other characters who are not like our character are wrong and inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as character, based on personal likes and dislikes which emerged from memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out other people with the same character so we can share and validate our character and experience ourselves as ‘real’ and ‘right’, so we may feel comfortable within the Lie we live – where if more than one person also lives and shares this lie, then it must actually be the truth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate other people’s likes and dislikes so they can in return validate my likes and dislikes so I can feel good about myself and delude myself that I am on the right path as the right character within this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out my personal character entourage where I can feel comforted and validated as character and forget about what really happens within this world and inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pre-occupy myself within myself and my world with getting my daily ‘likes’ where I will act out my character according to what I believe the people I like, like – so I can get my daily confirmation that everything is fine and that I do not have to change or take responsibility for anything within my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Life’s about being a character and getting other characters to agree with your character and then you Die – without seeing and realising that this is an absolutely stupid way to live one’s life as if it is one big popularity contest between one’s own character and the character of others, where it’s not even about the actual being but made-up make-belief characters based on memories as likes and dislikes which after Death simply disappear into thin air and in no way contributed to making this world a Better Place of All

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made life within myself about who I am as character and how to best present my character, where I will be very meticulous about how I look and what I wear, literally pulling a character suit over myself and then believing this character/suit to be “who I am”

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I was not born with the characters which I believe myself to be now – which indicate that these characters are not Who I Am, but a creation of myself as myself which I adapted, as the Lie I live within this world

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ever stop and have a look at the various different characters existent within me and how they developed emerged – as I would have seen that they are based on memories as energy and likes and dislikes – and not in fact real, as they shift and change and do not stand the test of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lost myself within the various characters I created within myself – where I am so occupied about what character to be/wear now that I am completely oblivious to what goes on inside the world as the pain and suffering as consequence from a World System which is not Best for All, where half the people in the world suffer so those with money can live out and perfect their characters

I commit myself to identify all the various characters I have built around myself through which I accepted and allowed myself to live within separation – and to bring all these various characters back to myself and release myself from my own creation in separation through Self Forgiveness, Self Correction and Breath within every moment

I commit myself to investigate what characters I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate within – to pin point the memories from which the characters emerged and let go of these memories so I can empower myself to live here in the moment instead of recycling the past

I commit myself to show how humans have currently only “lived” within and through characters as a form of entertainment where one uses those close to oneself to validate and feed the Lie one lives so one can feel comfortable enough to ignore and neglect the real hardship and abuse existent within this world as consequence of us behaving as CharActors instead of Care Takers as what’s Best for All Life

I commit myself to investigating all the various relationships and friendships I have and have had within my life and see how they contributed to my character building within myself and to let go of these relationships so I may stand as Care Taker as a responsible human being who will act within the Best Interest of All Life instead of not being able to see further than one’s own character and live a Lie in complete separation

Day 13 - Fear of Failure - Anxiety and Me - Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined failure in  terms of not meeting the expectations I believe others have of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined achievement in terms of meeting the expectations I believe others have of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing the idea of myself as who I believe myself to be and as who I want others to believe I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being busted for not being who I think/present myself to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to preserve the 'idea' of me as the 'I' as personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present a false image of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being "busted" where it is out there for all to see that I am not in fact the idea I would like to be / be seen as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing the image of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with an idea of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea of myself as how and who I should be based on people's expectations of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created and accepted the belief that I should meet the same criteria as my siblings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of primary school where the gym teacher was angry at me for not being able to dribble a basketball, pointing out that both my brother and sister had been excellent at this when she taught them and that she didn't understand why the heck I wasn't doing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that moment of the teacher getting angry at me for not being the same as my brother and sister in terms of a specific skill -- have made the decision inside myself that I should strive to be as good in things as my brother and sister in order to be accepted by others as authority and avoid conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not good enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in that moment failed my brother and sister and my family through not having met the teacher's expectation of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a bad person because I failed in that moment to meet the teacher's expectation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something wrong with me because I failed the teacher's expectation within that particular moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made the teacher's expectation of me, my own

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that I must perform at least as good or better than my brother and sister in order to be worthy in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself in comparison to my brother and sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assess and evaluate my self-worth through comparing myself to my brother and sister and then give myself plus points where I am as good in things as they are or better and negative points where I see myself short or lacking in skill

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must perform as good or better than my siblings in order to make my parents happy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must perform as good or better than my siblings in order to not disappoint my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disappointing my parents if I am not as good in things as my sister and brother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to please my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make my parents proud of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the "bad" child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear drawing attention to myself through being worse at things than my brother and sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must live up to my older brother and sister's standards as what they have achieved before me, and in whose footsteps I must follow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being as good in things as my brother and sister within the belief that if I am not as good in things as they are that this means that I am complete failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety whenever I hear someone praise my brother and/or sister as I feel the fear boiling up inside as "Oh no, how am I going to match this -- I am not like that, how am I going to manage living up to that?"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is my destiny to be clone of my brother and sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mold and shape myself in way that I believe will please the people who've praised my brother and sister without ever asking myself what I would like to do or would like to be

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to consider pleasing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been so focused on the external world and what I think the external world wants from me that I've completely ignored what I experience inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made decisions and gone into directions in my life in an attempt to chase my brother and sisters standards -- where I ended up making decisions which I did not actually wanted to take but felt compelled to do so in order to get closer to the ideal I was striving for as being as good as my brother and sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my brother and sister are better than me\

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself according to my family and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have certain duty to fulfill as a member of MY family and that I must maintain its "good name" at all cost

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear shaming my mother, my father, my brother and my sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not living up to my family's expectations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a burden to my family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear embarrassing my brother and sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my brother and sister to think good of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken my brother and my sister as examples to which I must live up to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I find myself not living up to the expectations as my brother and sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should be as good as my brother and my sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards my brother and sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as not good enough as who I am as a being here



When and as I see myself going into a state of fear of failure -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am the one setting the standards for myself and if I don't like the standards I am setting for myself, then I can change this

When and as I see myself going into a state of fear of failure -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this experience does not serve me in anyway whatsoever and is only limiting my experience of myself within that particular moment -- instead I allow myself to trust myself and be unconditional in whatever action I perform -- and simply do the best I can and not the best I think I should do as some idea that needs to be attained and maintained

When and as I see myself going into comparison to my siblings or anyone else for that matter -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I cannot compare myself to anyone but myself and what I am capable of within every single moment

When and as I see myself accessing inferiority -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed this inferiority to exist within and as my and have imposed this unto myself, while it does not have to be this way. Thus I stop participating in inferiority and I allow myself to participate in my world and other from an equal and one starting point

When and as I see myself defining myself and others according to their skills -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that skills is something that you learn and that we are all born without any skills except the skill to breathe, eat, poo and fart -- and thus it does not make sense to define anyone according to any skill as the skills one have does not define one as a being


I commit myself to changing the family system within the current world system of survival and competition to a structure of unconditional support where each member of the family is assisted and supported in developing themselves within their own specific expression -- where the role of the family is to assist, support, teach, develop and not to define, limit and control

I commit myself to changing the current education system and teachers to beings who understand how the actual physical reality and thus humans operate so that teaching can be done within the consideration of what is Best for All Life

I commit myself to changing the current world system where beings are valued in terms of their skills which can be applied to money-making to a world system where each one is valued based on LIFE and since all are equally Life, all are equally valued regardless of skill