Day 71: Fear of Others as Myself – Part 2

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 24: Life as a CharActor
Day 65: Fear of Sharing 
Day 70: Fear of Others as Myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear developing intimate relationships with others as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear developing intimate relationships with people wherein I commit myself to be and walk with that person no matter what – where I rather ‘back out’ the moment things become ugly and hop off to the next friendship/relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being open with people and talk about relevant things because I fear that this will open up a door to intimacy and the responsibility of walking with another as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have interpreted/defined ‘commitment’ as ‘restriction’ where I associate it with the experience of being ‘cornered’ and ‘stuck’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reluctant around people to share / talk because I want to avoid intimacy so that I do not get to a point of having to be faced with committing myself to another as myself and actually caring about another as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking that extra step and take the effort / time to actually get to know someone because I believe that at some point or another they will show me a side I haven’t seen before and then I will be “forced” to back off and so I did not see the use of investing my time and energy in another as I feared the emotional drawback of severing a relationship with another as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear caring for other people as myself as I see that it would take time, effort and responsibility to work with another as myself in developing an actual relationship and I do not want to spend my time/effort on another as myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I could not have developed an intimate relationship with another as myself as I had not yet learnt/realised how to develop an intimate relationship with myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have developed an intimate relationship with myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to commit myself to myself within investigating the nature of me as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become – and to question / investigate the nature/origin of my thoughts, feelings and emotions and within that assist and support myself to change/transform myself into a person that I can be satisfied with

When and as I see myself reacting to speaking /sharing with others within the fear of being intimate – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am within this fear/resistance, separating myself from others as myself where I do not want to share or assist/support them as myself and so I commit myself to push through the fear/uncomfortableness and embrace the other as myself and share myself specifically to the best of my ability

When and as I see myself reacting to another person’s behaviour within fear/resistance in relation to seeing that this requires to be discussed if I want to maintain my relationship with this person – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have patterned myself to always take the easy way out where I rather remove myself from a relationship instead of actually committing myself and working through the point at hand and so I commit myself to push through the resistance, ground myself here as my human physical body within and as breath, and walk the point that requires to be addressed instead of immediately giving up on the other and so also giving up on myself within not trusting / allowing myself to take the responsibility to walk the point with them

When and as I see myself reacting to the point of responsibility/commitment in relation to walking with another as myself where I have to spend time and effort on walking with another and developing a relationship, and see this as a point of being ‘cornered’/’stuck’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from the other as myself, where if I was that person I would want someone to walk a point with me, yet I am not willing to do the same for another as myself – and so I commit myself to stop my reaction, breathe, be here as my human physical body and make/walk the decision to walk with another and care for another as myself unconditionally, as I see/realise/understand that this is what I would want for myself

When and as I see myself making up excuses inside my mind where I conjure up reasons as to why I shouldn’t walk / commit myself to someone – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is me defending / fighting for my own limitation and within that will allow others to remain in their limitation and so I commit myself to stop the backchat as excuses and walk what needs to be done

When and as I see myself going into an energy of resistance/avoidance/reluctance within looking at the prospect of having to invest time/effort within walking with another as myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is not what it means to walk with another as myself within actual care, but an energy experience as interpretation/judgment/opinion/belief/idea that I have created about walking with another as myself – and so I commit myself to stop participating within this energy as illusion and work with what is here – I breathe, ground myself as my human physical body and walk the point unconditionally for what it is

I commit myself to develop a relationship of actual intimacy with myself – where I commit myself to investigate the nature of myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become within the most intricate detail, and to use the material available such as the Quantum Mind and other awesome Eqafe interviews, the Desteni Forum, the writing of blogs, the reading of blogs such as Heaven’s Journey to Life – to assist and support myself to better understand the mechanics/processes of how I ended up as who I am now as a being of self-interest – and to change my self-interested nature to one that cares for All Life Equally

Related articles

• Day 69: Fear of Sharing - Part 2
• Day 68: My Mind, My Saviour
• Day 66: Valuing my Inner Space
• Day 37: What's Happening to Me?!
• Day 70: Fear of Others as Myself
• Day 64: Holding on to Myself

Day 70: Fear of Others as Myself

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 24: Life as a CharActor
Day 65: Fear of Sharing 

In my previously blog, I started writing out Self Forgiveness, because I had a particular experience and couldn’t really place it – and so wanted to just to some Self Forgiveness to see where it would take me. This blog is a continuation, where the point afterwards opened up.

A memory popped up yesterday after writing my blog, well, not a memory per se but more of a conglomeration of memories which all focused on the same point. I was basically looking at all the friendships I’ve had during my life and how I never really ‘tied’ myself with these people. Whenever something would get ‘off’ or ‘ugly’ in our friendships, I’d just back off and that was it. I didn’t like how things were going so I would stop talking to them, going out with them and then after a while they’d just be strangers to me. It wasn’t ‘immediate’ meaning, I would still talk to them but less and less and I would stop going out with them to do stuff and then one day these things would then accumulate to us no longer being friends.

And I can remember a lot of the moments with specific friends where they were doing something / acting in a particular way , showing a side of themselves that they’d never shown before and I would go “Woah, what the hell is this?” and within that moment, immediately make the decision to ‘back off’ like “Okay, I’m done here” and that was that. I also never created any emotional bonds with any of the people/friends I hung out with. When we’d be together and do stuff we’d have fun but when I was not with them I couldn’t care less about them. And if after ‘breaking up’ they would come around and be all emotional about us not being friends anymore I’d just kind of shrug my shoulders and move on. During my friendships I would also not really bother to do anything to ‘maintain’ our friendships. If they didn’t call me or ask me to do stuff, then it wouldn’t happen. I saw a lot of my friends being very engaged in their friendships and doing things together and always calling / sharing stuff and I thought it was too much of a hassle. I liked being by myself and would for instance rather read a book at home then go out with friends, I liked my ‘me ‘ time lol.

All throughout my life I kind of jumped from one friendship to another, where each time when a nasty side was revealed, I backed off and found someone else, until they showed a nasty side, and then I would jump again. If I look at my friendships/relationships throughout my life, I never had a real, intimate, deep, long lasting relationship with anyone.

In a way it was cool in terms that I wasn’t “tied” to anyone and have always been able to move on quite fine without having to deal with any emotional garbage, yet at the same time I now also see it as a pity because I never really developed any intimate relationships which could have actually been cool.

If I look at it now, even the points where the friends would show a ‘nasty’ side or something I didn’t like – I still see it as reflecting back to the intimacy point, where instead of talking to them and sorting the point out, I rather did nothing and just remove myself, because I saw this point of opening up about whatever I saw, as a point of intimacy, and I just didn’t want to go there. It’s almost like, any point where any of my relationships would become ‘real’ – where a point opens up such as nastiness, if I were to address this point, then I would be admitting to myself that my relationship with this person is real, and within that – that the person is real! And the moment the person is real, in terms of being just like me – that’s some serious shit. Because if my friend is ‘real’ just like me, and goes through stuff just like me, then this implies a point of responsibility to be there for them. And then the question arises: Can I do that? Do I even want to do that? And so far, this answer has always been No, where I don’t want to address a point which would require addressing if I were to remain their friend, and where I don’t want to open myself up because of fear and lack of confidence and where I don’t want to get intimate with people because I fear I will get ‘sucked in’ – where this “sucked in” is just my interpretation of seeing that point of responsibility and not wanting to commit myself to develop an actual relationship with another as myself.

To be continued...

Related articles

• Day 69: Fear of Sharing - Part 2
• Day 66: Valuing my Inner Space
• Day 68: My Mind, My Saviour
• Day 64: Holding on to Myself
• How Thoughts Activate Personalities - Part 1: DAY 123
• Character Resonance Evolution - Part 2: DAY 126
• Trust your Inner Voice - Part 2: DAY 118

Day 69: Fear of Sharing – Part 2

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 65: Fear of Sharing 
 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself within the fear of how the other person will receive the information

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to shield myself off from other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself within the fear of influencing the other and then being responsible for how they deal with this information

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep myself out of other people’s lives’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being responsible for how other people experience themselves inside themselves within receiving particular information

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to draw back inside myself when I see that another is open and eager to talk/share – where I suddenly rather just want to keep quiet because I fear saying something wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when other reaches out to me and want to talk/share – where within that moment of sensing the smallest inkling of the other reaching out – I move back inside myself and close myself off and all of a sudden I do not want to participate anymore and rather be left alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inadequate and cannot carry the point of responsibility within assisting /talking/sharing with another because I do not want to create a relationship with another within a belief that this ‘ties’ me to them – where I rather want to stay at a distance and share here and there and have the option available to ‘back out’ whenever I sense that things get serious / when I sense that I require to commit myself to walk a point with another as myself

Related articles

• Day 68: My Mind, My Saviour
• Day 66: Valuing my Inner Space
• Day 70: Limiting myself to an idea of what I want in a relationship
• Day 108: Control and Self Control Character Self forgiveness statements continued...
• Day 135: Insight self forgiveness statements
• Day 64: Holding on to Myself

Day 66: Valuing my Inner Space

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 62: There Must be Something Wrong!
Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning
Day 64: Holding on to Myself  
Day 65: Fear of Sharing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my inner experience as thoughts/feelings and emotions as something ‘sacred’ which defines me, and which is not allowed to be just put ‘out there’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing my inner experiences as thoughts/feelings and emotions because I believe that this is what ‘makes me ‘me’ ‘ – and that if someone has knowledge over these points that they can ‘control me’ / have ‘power over me’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is ‘blasphemy’ to just put ‘out there’ how you feel as how you experience yourself as thoughts/feelings and emotions within the belief that these things are personal, special and sacred and need to stay right there in one’s “inner space” as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my inner experiences as thoughts/feelings and emotions are what constitutes as the ‘essence’ of me as a being, and that these need to be protected/safeguarded at all cost

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing my experiences as thoughts/feelings and emotions because I fear that if they are exposed, bare, naked – others can question these thoughts/feelings and emotions and within that I perceive them challenging my very beingness and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself within putting my experience ‘out there’ for all to see, because now that they are not confined to my ‘inner space’, I do not have control over them in terms of how I see / value them and others can question / value them differently – where I perceive this as being a direct attack to ‘who I am’ as a person/being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my ‘inner space’ where I can let my emotions/thoughts and feelings ‘roam free’ without anyone seeing it – where I believe that this ‘inner space’ is where I can “be myself” – without ever stopping for a moment and questioning why I would want to confine “who I am” and “being myself” to one little space that no-one can see – because this itself raises suspicion towards the nature of ‘who I am’ and ‘being myself’ as thoughts/emotions and feelings

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that holding on to my personal space as my ‘inner space’ as the mind where I can let thoughts/feelings and emotions ‘roam free’ – while at the same time fearing these to be ‘exposed’ – indicates to me that what I am accepting and allowing myself to exist as, as thoughts/feelings and emotions is not honourable


When and as I see myself valuing my inner experience as thoughts/feelings and emotions as ‘sacred’ as ‘what defines me’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these emotions/thoughts and feelings that I think ‘define me’, are merely programs as the result of memory – where in many instances is has been shown to me that one can do without thoughts/feelings and emotions – and so these factors are not detrimental to who one is as a being in terms of ‘defining self’ – as I have clearly seen that when I stop/delete a thought, a feeling or an emotion = I am still here. And so I commit myself to remove all the layers of ‘who I believe myself to be’ as thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself – and to discover what it means to be here as the physical

When and as I see myself going into fear when I am presented with an opportunity to share myself as how I experience myself as thoughts/feelings and emotions – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that my fear merely indicates my relationship towards these points within self-judgment and taking these points ‘personal’ – and so I commit myself to allow myself to share unconditionally so I can see for myself what it is that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, to re-evaluate my living according to these programs/instructions and to rewrite them in alignment with what is Best for All Life

When and as I see myself reacting within a sense of “Blasphemy!” when faced with a situation where I am asked to ‘put myself out there’ or seeing another being asked to ‘put themselves out there’ as how I / them experience self in terms of thoughts/feelings and emotions – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that as long as there is any point of hiding or secrecy in relation to what goes on inside one’s “inner space” that this constitutes a problem – and so I commit myself to clean up my inner space as the mind to make sure that I do not live by / consist of programs as thoughts/feelings and emotions which do not serve what is Best for All Life

When and as I see myself playing out the belief that my inner experiences as thoughts/feelings and emotions are what constitutes as ‘my essence’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that currently yes, these consist as ‘my essence’ as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be – but this points as thoughts/feelings/emotions are not absolute, in the sense that I can change my acceptances and allowances – and thus my essence will only ever reflect who I am within every single moment of breath – and so I commit myself re-align my acceptance and allowance within the principle of Oneness and Equality as what is Best for All life, within walking every moment of breath and checking myself / my inner experience to make sure that I am not participating in something which I do not want to be representative of

When and as I see myself going into the feeling of ‘I have to safeguard/protect the privacy of my experiences at all cost’ within a starting point of fear – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this experience is indicating to me that I am still accepting and allowing experiences as thoughts/feelings and emotions which are not cool – otherwise I would not want to keep them secret/safe from others and so I commit myself to investigate the nature of each and every single experience and realise myself from thoughts/feelings and emotions within daily writing and Daily application within every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself going into the fear of having my inner experience laid bare / exposed for others to see – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is no point having a relationship with my inner experiences as thoughts/feelings and emotions in terms of valuing/judging them in a particular way, since they are merely the result of years of programming through the integration of memories – and so I commit myself to remind myself that what I am working with are merely faulty scripts which require re-writing / correcting and so I move myself to investigate my scripts and re-write them to what is Best for All Life

Related articles

• Day 64: Holding on to Myself
• Day 65: Fear of Sharing
• Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning
• Day 50: Here -- Yet Lightyears away
• Day 39: What if something's Wrong with Me?
• Day 46: Running on Automated Pilot

Day 65: Fear of Sharing

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 62: There Must be Something Wrong!
Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning
Day 64: Holding on to Myself 

A pattern I have noticed all throughout my life is that ‘fear of sharing’. This relates mostly to sharing how I experience myself, which I experience as being a ‘vulnerable’ point for myself. Whenever someone points out something which I am experiencing and they are correct, I feel naked, exposed – almost violated. The same when they ask me how I am doing or dealing with a particular point – I rather just not talk about it.

I was reflecting on this point and saw how it linked in to the point I have touched on in my previous blogs, in terms of ‘valuing who I am as a person’. Because, the fear of me sharing and the fear of being exposed indicates how I have created a relationship to the thoughts/feelings and emotions I experience inside myself, and believe them to be ‘me’. Where these experiences are almost ‘sacred’-like within my perception of myself as that which I ‘constitute’ of, and where I fear sharing this ‘sacred’ part of myself as my emotions/thoughts/feelings as believing that ‘this is what makes me ‘me’ ‘ and needs to be protected/safeguarded at all cost.

Whenever Bernard would point out some of the things I’d be dealing with, either in private or in public – I would immediately go into fear, almost petrification (and more intensely in a ‘public’ setup) – where I ‘gasp’ inside myself and feel all vulnerable and exposed like, “there you have it, this is who I am – for all to see” , where I feel like my ‘inside’ has just been ‘taken out’ and laid bare outside of myself within having laid out what I am experiencing/facing and where I just want to grab it and put it back inside me before anyone else sees it – because “this is me” and “you can’t just put it out there, this is like my beingness, this is sacred! How dare you!” LOL.

Within those moments I would also immediately judge myself, because I believe my emotions/thoughts/feelings to be me as ‘who I am’ – while all the while they are just the result/product of all the various inputs in my life as my childhood/upbringing and environmental stimulations. So this ‘me’ that I believe to be so sacred and real, is really just an illusion. Yet this point ‘sharing’ and ‘putting it out there’ I still fear, because I still relate my experiences as thoughts/feelings and emotions to be ‘me’ and having a particular value.

In this point is also a dimension of ‘fear of being exploited’, where I fear that if others know how I experience myself as thoughts/feelings and emotions that this can be used against me. Though this only again reflects my attitude towards myself, since I am holding these experiences as thoughts/feelings and emotions ‘personal’ and so whenever someone takes these on or mentions them, I take it personal from the starting point of ‘but this is who I am’. So it’s quite interesting to see how vast this point is of believing that who we are is just this bunch of feelings/emotions and thoughts, and where we believe ourselves to be ‘special’ because of our apparent ‘unique composition/mix of thoughts/feelings and emotions’, which ‘make up who we are’. But where we really are all pretty much the same – I mean, all these experiences as thoughts/feeling and emotions are still ‘programs’ in their design, where some have more of one program than another, which makes them apparently ‘different’ and ‘unique’ compared to others – but in the end = we’re all still robots.

Listening to the Life Reviews this point also opened up, where each being will have a particular point that ‘stands out’ which pretty much determined their life and so ‘who they were’, yet I could identify myself with each and every being sharing their Life Review – from the poor person to the rich person, from the spiritual person to the business person, from abused to the abuser. So this again shows how no matter how ‘different’ we believe ourselves to be from others, the underlying blueprints/dynamics of what we participate in is always the same, but its appearance may differ. And this point that ‘one is not special’ is actually liberating, because now you can stop taking things personal because everyone is just as equally fucked as you are lol.

I mean, what are feelings/emotions and thoughts? They are just programs, they are just layers of information – so it is actually really stupid to “fear” sharing these or having them exposed – because they don’t “mean” anything other than the information they contain. It’s simply a matter of realising that we’ve currently accepted and allowed ourselves to be instructed and act upon programs that contain ‘pieces of information’ which are not to our benefit – and so to lay out the information which we currently rely on to live our lives before us, to deconstruct it and replace it with something supportive, and where things such as ‘judgment’ and ‘taking it personal’ only complicate and hamper what is in essence a very simplistic process.

Related articles

• Day 64: Holding on to Myself
• Day 14 - Trusting Fear - Anxiety and Me - Part 4
• Day 50: Here -- Yet Lightyears away
• Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning
• Emotional/Feeling Body Creation - Part 2: DAY 103