Day 19 – Power-less – Anger and Me – Part 4

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘Anger’ as ‘Power’ and ‘dominance/superiority’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the experience of “anger” with power due to the high energy levels surging through the body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the experience of high energy levels within the body as “power” – instead of seeing and realising that this is not real power as it is merely an indication that the mind has taken over completely -- and thus actually quite the opposite, as I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave to energy with no directive principle whatsoever

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that being and becoming angry – is in fact the very statement of Powerlessness, Submission and Inferiority

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that within me becoming / being angry at something / someone – I am in fact stating and showing that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as ‘less than’ and ‘inferior’ to the point I am angry at – where I try and compensate/make up for what I experience within myself by going into the opposite polarity as anger – where I will allow myself to for a moment experience ‘power’ and being ‘more than’ – which ends up only deepening and further ingraining feelings if powerlessness and inferiority

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when I burst out in anger and feel powerful – that this is only so because I within that moment felt pushed within the deepest corner of feelings of being ‘less than’ and ‘inferiority’ – and where I then bounced all the way to the opposite polarity of being angry/enraged within the momentary experience of “no, I don’t want this anymore – I’ve had enough!!”  -- but where I project this statement/experience to the outside world / external factors – as if it is the outside world / others who are to blame for my experience – while in fact I should be telling myself STOP! And ENOUGH! – as I am the creator of my own inner hell

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am the creator of my own inner hell – and that if I do not like this experience, then there is no point getting angry at others / other things within my world as it is no way related to them / those points – but what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me as my own created, self-imposed inner hell

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when I react within anger towards something or someone  -- such as for example the perception that my horse is pushing me around – that this is in fact me reacting to me allowing myself to be pushed around by myself as the mind as self-limitation and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert / take out my anger at myself towards my horse within the belief that it is the horse ‘pushing me around’ while it me accepting and allowing myself to be pushed around by my mind within myself – but where I instead place the point of responsibility within/upon the horse where I will demand the horse to change and not me as I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the point at which I am being angry at not taking responsibility for within an attempt to maintain my self-definition as personality to not have to change

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise – that whenever I react within anger towards something or someone – it is always ME – and never the other and that this is a sign that I must take SELF-Responsibility for myself within myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if I react within anger towards something/someone I am in fact stating that I am ‘less than’ and ‘inferior’ to the point which I am angry at – where I get angry because I have already made the decision within myself through acceptance and allowance that I cannot change this point and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for and within myself as self-imposed limitation and trust that I can change -- and realise and apply the realisation that I do not have to remain within my self-imposed limitation and feelings of inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others / points / factors outside of myself for how I experience myself – instead of seeing and realising that I am the creator of my own experience and that I do not have to accept and allow this bullshit inside myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that reacting in anger is in fact a defense mechanism of and as the mind to protect itself as self-imposed limitation as personality as who I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as – where when I get reminded of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined/limited as – I get angry and blame others/the world instead of seeing and realising that it is I, ME who created this idea/belief/definition/personality of myself and that there is no reason / that I have no right to become angry but at myself as I placed myself in this position through acceptance and allowance

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that bouncing from one polarity to another as ‘inferiority’/’powerlessness’ to ‘anger’/’power’  -- is not a solution but only an artificial form of “change” where I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I experience ‘something else’ that this means that I have ‘changed’ – while all I am doing is flipping the coin and still participate within the exact same construct/system

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if I want to change this pattern/construct it is a matter of going beyond it – erasing it – and rescripting myself completely and live according to this new script within the context of what is Best for All to have Actual Change manifested – and not to simply loop from one polarity to another as this only further deepens and ingrains the pattern with every loop

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of anger – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise the polarity construct I am participating within and that it has no benefit/use to continue this participation – So instead I stop, take a deep breath and bring the point back to myself and move myself to identify the origin of the pattern and apply Self Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements to correct the point within myself

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of anger and feeling “powerful” – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am participating within a mindfuck and that I am actually experiencing myself as ‘powerless’ – and thus I move and direct myself to identify where within myself and my world I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as powerless and move through the appropriate Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective statements in order to release myself from this self-limitation – and within that – I commit myself to identify and trace back all my anger points to all the various points/aspects within myself which I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from – so that I can embrace myself as these points and direct them as myself, take responsibility and release myself from this self-imposed limitations as personality

When and as I see myself accessing back chat about another / points within my world – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this back chat is only revealing my relationship with myself and where I still require to give attention to changing / transforming my self-relationship in alignment with what is Best for All – and within this I commit myself to stop all back chat as this is deliberate abuse as abdication of self-responsibility within the defense of personality -- and to bring all back chat points back to myself, sort them out through Self-Forgiveness , Self Corrective Statements and Actions – so there may be no more

When and as I see myself accessing energy as anger – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept and allow myself to further participate within this energy and/or act upon this energy as this is self-deception as the ego trying to divert attention from itself and its limited design – and thus I look at where and how I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within self-limitation and move myself to correct this point within myself instead of throwing a tantrum lol

Day 17: Betrayal – Anger and Me – Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt angry and betrayed when I heard people talk behind my back about something I did while I was playing on my own, where it was said that it was childish and that they can’t believe I’m still occupying myself with these type of things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt hurt within myself when I heard them talk about my back and judge me for what I did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself for what I did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone all red in my face, where I felt raging anger, embarrassment and tears well up in my eyes all at the same time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that  -- within that moment of them talking about me as being “childish” – that they had taken something away from me and thus feel hurt inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed and perceived that they had taken a piece of my “dignity”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been angry at myself for having done what I did because while I was doing what I was doing before, the thought had popped in my head that the other family members might think that this is stupid and childish – but I did it anyway

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt angry and betrayed because I believed that family was here in the world to help me and I didn’t understand / couldn’t believe why they would talk about me like that behind my back – we were supposed to have each others’ backs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that moment of hearing them talk about me behind my back – have gone into complete anger possession – where I swore to myself that I will never trust them again and that I should instead trust myself as my thoughts because I did think that they would judge me for it and now they did – which I interpreted as a confirmation that I should trust myself as thoughts instead of expressing myself unconditionally no matter what anyone else thinks of what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what my family members think of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my family members to like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my family members to like me because at that point in my life they were all that I had

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed a higher value on what my other family members think of me than what I think of me on the basis that they are older and that they know better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection between “being older”, “knowing better” and “authority”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection between “being younger”, “knowing less” and “inferiority”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken my family members as an example of how things are done within the belief that they know better as they are older than me – and thus use their feedback to judge myself and change myself according to what I thought would make me fit  / be normal within the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had created the belief that it was “us” as the family “against the big bad world” – and now that I heard them talk about me behind my back I felt like I had lost this support as it felt like the “big bad world” was now also in the house as the family members and I felt hopeless and alone within myself as I perceived that I had lost all hope of having people by me that I can trust as I walk through my life and this world as a child

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise at that time that there cannot be any separation between “the family” and “the world” as the family is a result of the world and thus there can be no “family vs the world” as it’s all one and the same thing as what we have accepted and allowed to have become of our creation on Earth

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise – that in that moment it wasn’t my family that betrayed me – but me that betrayed myself – as the experience showed that I had not been unconditional in my expression but had tied my expression to the feedback of others as my family – and thus when their feedback was negative, I felt bad and hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to betray myself within myself through not being unconditional in my expression but tying it to what other think / might think of me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the particular experience I went through as anger, rage, betrayal, embarrassment and sadness – was never about them but about ME

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have blamed my family for how I experienced myself within that moment for stabbing me in the back – while it was actually me stabbing myself in the back through not unconditionally expressing myself within the moment

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I experienced betrayal because of the way I treated myself and my expression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the family system cannot be perfect in an imperfect world

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it’s not because the world is fucked up and the family system is fucked up that I must now go and betray myself and act like everyone else and the world does and become equally fucked

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I cannot be angry at the world if I don’t take the practical steps to change the world – as all I am doing then is blaming the world for how I experience myself without doing anything to correct it and thus in essence being angry at myself for not taking responsibility for myself, my experience and my / the world

When and as I see myself going into an experience of betrayal – I stop and I breathe – I see / realise / understand that I am in fact causing this experience of betrayal inside myself as I am the one betraying me – and thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate within blame/projection but take responsibility for my actions as self-betrayal and I commit myself to investigate this point of self-betrayal and walk the necessary Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements and Actions

When and as I see myself going into an experience of anger – I stop and I breathe – I see /realise / understand that I am in fact participating in a form of blame where I am not taking responsibility for a particular point within myself and the world – I thus investigate this point and commit myself to take the necessary steps to correct the point

I commit myself to changing the world to a place where everyone can unconditionally express themselves and where both parents and children are educated in terms of the functioning of the Mind so that they can be provided with the tools in terms of how to work with oneself and sort oneself out

Day 16: Anger and Me - Introduction

I've known that anger has been an issue in my life, but I have brushed it away, saying to myself "But I am not an angry person! Right?" and where I saw it as "not that important" of an issue to deal with, as I don't experience it as a constant thing bugging me -- but which in certain moments will completely take over to extreme levels - which is not cool.

I can definitely see a lot of anger points in my childhood, and I can clearly see myself as having been an angry child -- where my whole face would become all red, except for my nostrils turning all white and just feeling so furious, where if I could have exploded into millions of pieces, I would have. But then later as I grew up and started to keep my emotions and feelings more to myself I stopped seeing myself as "an angry person" but it's all still buried deep down inside there.

My dad was also a very angry person when I grew up and I've come to deny "anger" within me as a point of separation with my dad -- where I did not want to become anything like him or be associated in any way whatsoever with him -- yet here I am, and I am angry.

So in my next few blogs I will be taking a closer look at my Relationship with Anger and how accepting anger to exist within and as me affected my life and is still affecting my life -- and walking the process of self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements to ensure that I no longer abuse myself and others with this point of anger -- but instead transform it into a self-driven passion to change myself and the world around me in a way that is Best for All.






 

Day 5: Give me Something to Break!

Today I had a chat scheduled with one of my buddies. While I was busy chatting with my buddy my internet would "drop" and I would get kicked out of the chat program. It would then take 10-15 min to get "high" again and then I could chat for a minute or five until the internet went low again.  At first I was "okay" with it, I was a bit irritated but I told myself to wait it out. Then when it kept on dropping again and again and it would take longer and longer to get back up -- I got really pissed off. I had a bowl of oats in front of me and I started stabbing the bowl with my spoon, with the intention of breaking it. I had all this built up energy and I just wanted to get it out. I stopped stabbing the bowl after a few stabs because I saw that it would be pretty useless to break the bowl. I'd then have crappy internet and a broken bowl whereas before I would only have crappy internet lol.

Then I took a deep breath, looked at the situation and saw there wasn't much I could do so I sent my buddy an email to reschedule.

When I was looking at this event a bit earlier, a memory popped up from when my guinea pig died (again lol). When he died we were trying to look for an address of a vet on the internet. Back then we had an internet modem and the internet would tap into the phone line and it was pretty crappy . The modem made these crappy sounds and had little flashing lights. All I knew was that when all the lights were on, that it meant that the internet was on and that it was at (back then) a high speed. So I sat there with my guinea pig in my arms, wrapped in a towel sitting on a little chair next to my mom who was going to run the search. I just sat there staring at the modem and the flashing lights and looking at my guinea pig dying in my arms . In my head I was begging the internet/modem to work so we could find a fucking vet and save his life. I think I even ended up praying to God and Jesus -- anything that would make the freaking internet work. It took forever and I remember telling the modem in my head that it was going to be its fault if the guinea pig dies and I will never forgive the modem if this happens. We eventually got the address, but we didn't have the car available so we had to go by foot and it was going to be about a half hour walk. Seven minutes into the walk I opened the box where my guinea pig was in and I saw that he was already dead. I was really angry and kept on blaming that freaking modem in my head.

Afterwards, every time I would see the modem I would give it  my "evil" look to make sure that it knew that it was its fault lol. And I tried to avoid seeing it because it would bring the memory back up again.

So this is one of the points that I can see that led to this event.

The other point that I can see and which I think is more "prominently" responsible for what happened is the point of accumulation effect. Where I during my day will get slightly upset at something / someone but not say anything as to not create conflict and then instead of expressing the point I will hold on to it inside myself and "express" it as backchat within. All these little points then accumulate to an event where something's not working out -- like the internet -- and then I will use this event as an opportunity to "let go" and "release" myself from all this built up energy. Poor bowl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotionally reactive when my internet is not stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the internet for how I experience myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the internet for me wanting to break something

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am responsible for getting angry and wanting to break something -- the internet was just doing what it does and had nothing to do with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is justified to get angry at the internet when it is not stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start swearing inside my head and out loud at the internet -- which only makes the experience of myself worse and does nothing whatsoever to actually change the situation for the better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to break stuff when I am angry

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to question the impulse of "I want to break stuff"

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when I want to hurt and break an innocent bystander such as my bowl of outs that there must be something seriously wrong with me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise the common sense simplicity that breaking something is not going to fix the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the "situation" is the problem and that it is the "situation" that needs "fixing"

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is me who is the problem and how I allow myself to experience myself within a particular situation

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise the common sensical truth within the observation of myself wanting to break something because apparently the "situation" isn't behaving the way that "it should" according to me -- that obviously nothing's wrong with the situation but everything's wrong with me!

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that wanting to break stuff isn't a helpful response to a perceived unfavourable situation.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stop for a moment within my impulse of rage and wanting to break shit and asking myself: Why am I doing this?

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when I experience a 'burst' of energy -- that this means that this energy must come from somewhere -- and that I should find out how it got to be all piled up inside myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when I get angry and want to break stuff that I am not necessarily actually being angry at the situation that I am currently in -- but that I am using this situation as an opportunity to release much suppressed and compressed energies which have been accumulating over time through not speaking and allowing back chat to take over.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to speak when I disagree with something

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to say something when I see that something's out of place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pointing something out to another out of fear of conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of speaking and communicating -- hold back and suppress the point inside myself -- where it will sit and fester in the back of my mind until I eventually find myself in a situation where I "burst" to let all of this undirected energy out -- which is not a solution as I am only temporarily "releasing" myself to prepare myself to carry around the next load of points until I burst again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict because I fear that the person I am speaking to will disagree and argue and I fear that I will not be able to give a proper response and within that will appear as "not having a point" and that I will end up just giving up and not argue to get my point through because I believe that it is useless and that the other person won't budge from their point of view

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pointing something out to someone because of fear of conflict whereby I anticipate that the other person will not allow me time to formulate a proper response and whereby I anticipate an experience of embarrassment and humiliation inside myself  -- and where I within the anticipation of all those experiences simply tell myself to "not go there" as I don't want to experience myself that way (not that I will be experiencing myself that way, it's only how I think I will experience myself and how I think that the other person will behave -- in reality I really have no idea of what's going to happen) -- and where as a result I will simply supress and bury the point inside myself and let it sit there. And then later I allow myself to go over the point over and over again and start getting angry at the other person for whatever it was that I saw while the only person I'm supposed to be angry at is myself for not expressing myself and utilizing the opportunity I had to change the point. I have no right to be angry at the other as I allowed that person to behave the way he or she did through not speaking up.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to then allow all these "little" points to accumulate inside myself over time -- not giving them direction through self-forgiveness and self-correction -- whereby the points just grow bigger and bigger until I cannot contain it any longer and I burst out in a completely unrelated event where I see it as "safe" to burst out -- such as bursting out towards the internet, my keyboard, pc as I know that they can't start an argument and debate with me -- I can simply scream, shout and hit stuff without these inanimate objects being able to respond to my tantrum.

When and as I see myself getting angry and wanting to break shit -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that what I am doing is destructive and does not assist and support me in anyway whatsoever. Instead I investigate why I want to break stuff: where in my reality have I allowed myself to accumulate points of discontent without communicating about them and allowing them to fester inside myself? Once I have identified the points I apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements in order to script the way before me to assist and support me in breaking this pattern and assisting myself with correcting myself within those points where I compromise.

When and as I see myself blaming "the situation" for how I experience myself -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am in fact abdicating my responsibility by projecting the cause of my experience unto my environment -- instead of seeing and realising that the cause was already existent within and as me and that the environment was simply functioning as a trigger to activate the point.

When and as I see a point that I would like to express towards someone and I start feeling anxiety, resistance and like a slight restriction of the chest coming up -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am accessing an ingrained behavioural pattern whereby I immediately see the situation as an argument/competition whereby I assume myself to already be the loser and within that not wanting to go through the losing experience thus I withhold myself from participating or starting a conversation in order to avoid such an experience of inferiority, loss and defeat. Within that -- I see and realise that I have actually already placed myself in a position of defeat by giving up before I have even tried and this this behavioural pattern does not assist and support me in my process of self-expansion.

I commit myself to investigate myself in every moment of emotional outbursts in order to identify where this outburst came from and how it ended up being accumulated to this point -- so that I may step outside my accepted and allowed energy limitations and direct myself instead of being energy-driven

I commit myself to the establishment of a world and a world system that is best for all where breaking things because you're angry is not considered "normal" and "good therapy" as a way to cope with your life -- but where a support structure is in place where one is assisted and supported to find the roots of one's anger problems so that they may change their life for the better and not have to be a slave to these experience of anger

I'll go into the guinea pig memory next blog post.