Day 225: Fear of Freedom

While working on re-defining the word 'No' and in general looking at all the particular charges, layers and dimensions I had attached to the word 'No' over the years -- an interesting point opened up (well many opened up lol). This one in particular was a fear point, whereby I had created a fear towards the word 'No' in relation to 'Freedom of Choice' / 'Freedom of Expression'.

Growing up in Belgium, our country was considered to be a very 'modern' society. Part of that meant that we were 'multi-cultural' with many people living in Belgium coming from various different cultural backgrounds and religions. With this, we were taught to be 'tolerant' and `Respectful of other people's beliefs'. Only if we take on such an attitude along with one of 'minding your own business' approach - can we live 'peacefully together'.

When you're being taught all these things, it all 'sound nice' and 'seems to make sense' (because you don't necessarily want other people to question your beliefs). Afterwards in my life, especially during teenage years and later -- this 'Freedom point' and 'having to respect others' freedoms' started bothering me. This was because I would for instance ask someone for help or ask someone to assist me with something, where without their assistance i would not have been able to pursue the point, and they would simply say 'No' and when asking further as to 'why not' -- it would simply be a matter of 'because I don't want to / feel like it'. Or if I would question friends' behaviour I would get a response of 'I can't change who I am' and ' either respect and accept who I am or don't be my friend' type of response.

What I did not like about these points is that I felt powerless within these situations. I could sense something was 'off' but had these rules that we lived by such as 'respect anther's beliefs' and 'respect other people's choices/freedom' which pretty much told me that I was not allowed or supposed to ask questions any further - but leave it at that and would have to merely 'swallow' whatever response I had gotten as this was the collective agreement that had been made. It was really more of a compromise everyone had accepted to live by, where "there's going to be people doing and saying things that you don't like, but as long as you leave them alone they will leave you alone as well and then we have 'peace' ". So we're never really completely satisfied and actually disagree 'but we'll take it' -- and now we have twisted and turned this act of 'just taking it', into some 'benevolent' and 'integrity' dimension -- where it has become a 'good' and 'positive thing' to do -- while it's really just a matter of avoiding each others’ disagreements for the sake of avoiding conflict because we can't really trust each other to behave 'rationally'. So as long as we 'play nice' we do not have to be faced by and with our underlying unpleasant and irrational behaviour. So this whole 'respect another's opinion/freedom/beliefs' is really actually a negative manifestation, as it finds its origin within negativity itself -- but now we've brainwashed ourselves to believe that 'it is a good thing'.

To be continued

Day 208: Freedom and Limitation - Two Sides fof the Same Coin

Continuation to:
Day 206: Uncovering the Mysteries of Self: Just Follow the Money!
Day 207: Buying Power and the Idea of Freedom
Continuing from my previous blog:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined freedom for myself within a limited experience of me buying something without having looked/investigated how freedom is in fact limited by money as the money system we live by -- where this actually exists as the very definition of limitation and a violation to freedom within the context of human rights

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that freedom is just the one side of a polarity construct, where one can only have freedom in conjunction with limitation/restriction -- and thus I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my momentary experience of 'freedom' with money was only the result of my otherwise more long lasting experience of limitation/restriction in relation to money, but where I failed to see/acknowledge this dimension in relation to money and only focused on the 'good' and 'positive' as the 'freedom' I would experience when buying something

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only way I was able to have an experience of 'freedom' in relation to money as 'being able to buy things', was because of an inherent feeling/experience of limitation/restriction that existed due to the absence of money as a medium to get things I wanted, where I got so 'used to' and 'accustomed' to the 'negative side' of money that I had 'normalized' it within myself and thus not questioned the point -- so that when I was presented with a postive side / expeirence in relation to money, I embraced it with open arms and accepted this as the 'new face' that money was going to carry for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have built up the desire to buy things that I wanted simply as a side-effect of not having been able / having had the means to get myself things, where the more I experience limitation/restriction in relation to money, the stronger the desire/want grew for the positive experience in relation to money as 'freedom' -- where I believed that  'being able to and buying something I want' was the ultimate expression of freedom in relation to money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been angry at / upset with my parents for not giving me money / more money -- not seeing and realising that they, just as me, were suffering from money paranoia, where the struggle between freedom and restriction/limitation in relation to money kept them in fear and friction wherein they decided that it was better to be restrictive with giving money to the children so they can possess more freedom within being in control of the money supply within the family -- and thus I cannot be angry at them or blame them as they were just like me 'seeking freedom'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted the way money exists within this world and the paranoia attached to it, where I merely made the necessary calculations to 'work my way around it ' instead of question money and the paranoia that exists around money and investigating/finding out how one can change the way money exists in this world so we may remove our relationship of paranoia/terror in relation to money -- where money is no more a tool to keep one in constant friction but a tool to facilliate and support the existence of life on earth

Related articles

• Day 207: Buying Power and the Idea of Freedom
• Positivity is like a Drug: DAY 201
• Day 198: Negativity as Freedom
• Day 401: Thinking is for Losers
• Day 211: Wonder
• Day 397: Paranoia and Stopping the Mind
• Day 163: Staying the course of self honesty
• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 235: Calling the Beast by it's Name - Breast Cancer - The Cancer Paranoia - Day 20

Day 187: Sinner and Saint of my own Food Religion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am hungry or feel like eating something and open the fridge/cupboard to see what food there is – react to what I want to eat when looking at the amount of calories I have connected to the food wherein I still use this point of calories as a measure of ‘what’s good’ and ‘what’s not good’ – where I will feel like eating something but then consider its ‘high calorie content’ and then stop and go for something which has a low calorie content within thinking that that’s ‘the better choice’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I have to make a decision about what I am about to eat and open the fridge, to still from time to time scan all the foods and consider all the information I have attached to each particular food present in the fridge and will weight each one’s data against one another and according to that pick what I eat – wherein that moment I completely ‘forget’ about my human physical body and what I as my physical body feel like eating and rather just follow ‘information’ without my decision based on this information being necessarily what is Best for my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see the thought come up towards a particular food, where I think that I shouldn’t eat it and that it’s ‘no good for me’ in terms of ‘putting on weight’ but then shove the thought aside in a sense of spitefulness and eat it anyway – go into an experience of guilt and regret when finishing the particular food/sweets where I believe I made a mistake and that I am now a failure

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise how I have created this experience for myself through a Morality character where because I labelled some foods as ‘good’ and some as ‘bad’ and decided to forgo the good for the bad – that I am now a ‘bad person’ because I ‘broke the rules’ and should not have done that

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that in turn I am the creator of this Morality character and had to participate within the labelling of things as right and wrong and good and bad and believing in these values for the Morality Character to exist and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my experience is merely the result of my ideas and beliefs and can thus be changed

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to listen to my body when looking into what to eat but instead follow my Food Religion as all the information I have accumulated over time and sorted by relevance in terms of ‘losing/gaining weight’ – where I will eat both the so called ‘good’ and ‘bad’ things and yet depending on the moment can still find myself experiencing adverse effects due to the foods chosen within only looking at the foods in isolation and not considering my body and what I have already eaten / what is compatible within the moment as I only sought compatibility with the ideas and beliefs in my mind in order for myself as my mind to ‘feel better’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I find myself eating a food from the bad/fattening category to start thinking of ways I can make it ‘okay’ within considering what I will and will not eat in the future or consider particular exercises/activities as to ‘make up’ for those ‘extra calories’ where I am “calculating” things in my mind – but where I am actually more playing guesswork within trying to ‘calculate’ and ‘rationalise’ the guilt away for eating what I ate instead of looking at my starting point of eating the food and identifying/tracing the origin/emergence of the guilt and correcting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a Religion about Food where I can’t just eat and nourish my body because I have made up all these rules and regulations to which I have to abide if I want to be a ‘good girl’ within the religion – while I at the same time constantly looking for/ scouting for loopholes that I can use to escape the very rules and codes I created for myself within my own religion wherein I am constantly shifting from being a faithful servant to a sinner and get lost in inner-conflict as I can’t make up my mind about what I want

Related articles

• Day 184: When Food is no longer just Food
• Day 185: When Food is no longer just Food - Part 2
• Day 177: Ana - I Failed You
• Day 186: Baggage from the Past - when is an ED really over?
• Day 179: You Reap what You Sow
• Day 178: Fail-You-Are - Redefining Failure

Day 184: When Food is no longer just Food

This blog is a continuation to Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately generate and participate within thoughts which are non-supportive to my physical well-being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have forced myself through my mind to turn on myself within composing, generating and participating in thoughts which I knew did not match reality – but did it anyway because I wanted to deliberately make myself disordered

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have practiced having non-supportive thoughts to my physical well-being in relation to food and my body, where I would deliberately over analyse foods from a knowledge perspective and create a relationship with everything single piece of food in my environment as to ‘twist’ its nature – where for instance a banana was no longer a banana but had x amount of calories and was not good for this and that and has so much sugar and it’s a BAD FOOD

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have deliberately manipulated and twisted my relationship with food by labelling foods from a starting point of ‘what will make me fat’ – without actually understanding how fat is produced in the body and how my human physical body really works in anyway whatsoever – but just go on ‘hearsay’ information about ‘bad’ and ‘good’ foods and create a whole food religion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself have deliberately manipulated and sabotaged my relationship with my human physical body – where I was previously quite fine with my body as it’s just kind of here and does what it does – to deliberately meticulously starting to observe, analyse and investigate my body and start labelling and marking all the things that are ‘wrong’ with my body – again based only on ‘hearsay’ information while having no clue what and how the body works and why particular points are manifested within a particular way within only caring about how my body ‘looks like’ and being completely oblivious/ignorant as to the actual workings and process of the body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have deliberately repeated the same thoughts and thought patterns over and over again until I actually believe them and automatically just ‘pop up’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have ignored knowing that what I was doing was fucked up as it was clear that I was sabotaging my well being both mentally and physically for the sake of looking a particular way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within moments where I could see what I was doing have gone and delved deeper into thought manipulation as to ‘cover up’ what I saw and throw a bunch of garbage on top of it – where I threw so many thoughts of judgment and manipulation at myself so that I would “calm down” and continue with depriving myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately re-shape my perception of myself as to make it easier to abuse myself – to justify it and ‘make sense’ out of it so that I would not have to stop for a moment and question my behaviour

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have brainwashed myself into an Eating Disorder

Day 142: Respecting Beliefs

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that there was only ‘one way’ to have fun / enjoyment within playing around with the computer as ‘my way’ which was only within consideration of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have held on to the idea of fun/enjoyment as how I had defined it within myself which was within the starting point of self-interest within doing things ‘my way’ and how I wanted to explore things – without taking into consideration how ‘my way of fun’ may possible affect others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when faced with conflict/friction as my father being angry when things would go wrong with the pc after me playing around with – have gone into the polarity point of ‘doing it in secret’ or ‘not doing it at all’ from the starting point of the belief that ‘my way of doing things’ was ‘the right way’ and ‘the only way’ where instead of looking how I could change what I was doing to a way that was considerate of other people in my reality I only cared about myself and my own self-enjoyment and was not willing to give this up for the sake of improving things for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that my ‘fun/play-time’ would not be ‘fun’ anymore if I have to change/adapt myself into consideration of others, where I made the decision to do it in ‘secret’ or ‘not at all’ because I was not willing to change and wanted to hold on to my idea of ‘fun’ and believed that if I start changing my methods that takes into consideration others that this completely ‘ruins’ the point and that it is then useless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken on the stance of ‘it’s my way’ or ‘no way’ in terms of how I wanted to have fun, where any change to how I believed what ‘fun’ consisted of was completely unacceptable and was not willing myself to change ‘my way’ to a way that fits everyone else better as well, where instead of looking at where I am coming from, seeing that I am acting from within self-interest and correcting my behaviour – I went into a form of spitefulness within moving myself into secrecy or ‘not doing it at all’ to “protest” and show my “resistance” to what had been shown to me – not seeing and realising that this was not getting me anywhere but only further perpetuating my own self-limitation within only ever taking myself into consideration and in no way be willing to consider others in my reality, which is me only tightening my self-entrapment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have the right to have fun ‘my way’ no matter the consequence or repercussion of this ‘my way’ – where I believed/perceived any criticism to ‘my way’ as a direct attack/violation of my ‘beingness’ as if they were attacking me personally – not seeing and realising that what was pointed out to me that the way I was doing things was flawed and could be improved in a way that takes others into consideration as well – but where I did not even consider this perspective because I was too busy being offended / feeling attacked, where all I could think about was the ‘grave offense’ that had been done unto me as criticising ‘who I am’ where I believed this was something one could simply NOT do, as I believed that everyone was born with a particular “god given” expression and that one thus has no choice in ‘who one is’ and that any such criticism is thus out of the question

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must respect others’ expressions, attitudes, beliefs and behaviour no matter what – where everyone has the right to ‘be themselves’ and where I thus also demand that other respect my expressions, attitudes, beliefs and behaviour as some form of sacred/holy grail that is not allowed to be touched – and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider the consequences and implications of such an acceptance and allowance, where within this one belief one allows and accepts all forms of abuse to take place within this world, just on this one point

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is not okay to not question one’s believes, expression, attitudes and behaviour when these are in clear misalignment and violation with what is Best for All Life – which is basically like saying that everyone is allowed to harm anything and anyone if it pleases them so which is completely unacceptable

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the ‘unique expression’ each one has that I believed to be “god-given” and is “without any choice” is merely the result/outcome of one’s environment, upbringing and education – where one’s “expression” as ‘who one is ‘ is the result of one’s acceptances and allowances and in no way ‘holy’ or ‘sacred’ or ‘specific to the being’ but merely the result of input/output – and as such, any criticism towards how one expresses oneself is a criticism to one’s acceptance and allowance – which then require to be investigated and addressed accordingly

Related articles

• Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
• Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?
• Day 125: I am the Centre of the Universe!
• Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
• Don't you Dare Blaming me - Overview - Day 244
• Dag 73: Afraid of Petrification

“If God Wanted Us To Live Together In Harmony, He’d Made Us Look All The Same”

And God Created different Races...

I started reading the True Blood books not so long ago, and after having read for a while I decide that I also wanted to re-watch the previous seasons.

At some point in the first season Sookie (who can read other’s minds / hear thoughts), is busy waitressing at Merlotte’s and for a moment in the scene they show the various thoughts people are having at the bar.
One of those people is a man sitting by the bar having a beer. One of his thoughts goes something like this: “This isn’t right, all these people living together like they belong. Whites, blacks, vampires… If God wanted us to live together in harmony, he would have made us look all the same.”

And in that moment while I was watching that scene, what he was saying made sense and I agreed with his statement. Though – there are two ways one can look at his statement.

It is one thing to observe that “God” had made us in a particular design and ‘obey’ / ‘conform’ to this design and another to observe design “God” gave us and question its intentions.

Firstly, you could look at it the way the character in the story does: “God did not make us look all the same, thus – we should not be living together in harmony, it’s not right”.
And secondly you could look at the statement by investigating God’s role more closely: “If God wanted us to live together in harmony, he would have made us look all the same – so why didn’t he?”

So why didn’t God make us look all the same? Why did God make us look different, have different skin colours, speak different languages, have different religions, different cultures? What are “God’s” intentions really?

Because looking at the design and outflow of things, his intentions are revealing themselves to be quite questionable. I can only find one reason why God would have made us look all different – and that is that he is deliberately attempting to breed disarray. And why would he want to do that? Well, if I place myself in the shoes of God as someone who is deliberately trying to create chaos and conflict within the world, where entire Genocides manifest because of this singular point – and who is very much aware of the consequence as I, as God am omniscient and know the beginning and end of things – well then…I must be evil. It’s that plain and simple.

Being aware of this one point, seeing and realising that this singular point in existence is questionable in terms of God’s intentions and plans for existence – doesn’t it make you kind of wonder about everything else in the world? If God was being an asshole in this one point, what would keep him from screwing with Life on Earth in any other area? Then if you start looking at other facets of our reality you can really spot God’s great enthusiasm for screwing things up to the ultimate point of dysfunctionality and ruin: poverty, war, disease, pollution, scarcity, starvation, extinction – the list goes on.

The question that arises is whether we will sit back and allow this existence to be as is – as God intended it to be --  Or whether we will stand up and take responsibility for ourselves and our fellow beings on Earth and transform this planet to a place where all can live in harmony in fact.

Equal Money is the first step – investigate: www.equalmoney.org