Leila's Journey to Life: mia

Showing posts with label mia. Show all posts

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Day 177: Ana - I Failed You

This blog is part of my Eating Disorder Series that I am walking, and specifically in continuation to: Day 167: The Big Fall and Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and consider myself to be a failure for not having been able to push through within continuing to participate within my Eating Disorder

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have interpred my "Big Fall" as the confirmation point that I am a failure and will never get anywhere in Life because I can't stick to anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed all my self-worth and self-value within this one point of pursuing and maintaining an Eating Disorder where I placed all my hopes into this one point and thus when I didn't persevere in this one point as ED I deemed myself as a complete failure and waste of space and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone and stuffed myself to confirm / affirm that I am a failure and I will never get anywhere so I might as well stuff myself to shit as "if I'm not going to get anywhere in Life I might as well enjoy stuffing myself and getting an energy high from food"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have locked myself into a mode of self-defeat from that day onwards -- where whatever I do and whatever I participate in, it is never good enough and I will never be good enough because I have already proven to myself that I can't commit to something to a point of completion

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my Eating Disorder did not end that day but merely took a 180 turn where I went into the opposite polarity of 'not caring what I eat' and 'stuffing myself' where I then only cared about the energetic experience / charge I would get from eating tasty food which is again eating from a Mind perspective and not actually taking into consideration what foods would actually assist and support my body and thus still existing within a pattern of self-destruction and self-neglect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after my 'Big Fall' have gone into a polarity experience whereby I now stuffed myself with all the foods I had denied myself for so long and gaining lots of weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that my relationship towards food and eating was now one of 'Not caring' as if I was totally "cool" and "fine" with eating whatever I wanted and carried this attitude from a point of superiority in terms of "Look at me, I'm not superficial, I don't care about this whole "be skinny thing" just eat what you like and love yourself" -- not seeing and realising that I had taken on this attitude from a starting point of Spite wherein I wanted to push away / say 'fuck you' in the face of anorexia as if I was "over it" and where anorexia wasn't "good enough for me" wherein I took on a diminishing / demeaning stance towards anorexia/bulimia/ed to hide the fact that it was actually I who felt rejected, diminished, demeaned and not good enough in face of Anorexia as I had failed -- but instead put up a 'tough front' in order to not having to face these feelings and hiding from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a stance of 'I don't care' towards food and eating as an easy way out / quick fix for not having to deal with my inner turmoil

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have given myself the time and space to properly work through this point but instead allowed myself to drag this burden around for years without seeing and realising how much this memory/experience was still affecting me within my every day life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I failed maintaining an Eating Disorder that this means that I am a failure

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that having and maintaining an Eating Disorder is not sustainable and would have ended at some point or another as in the end the Physical perishes in order to maintain one's imagination and fantasies of being skinny

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that not persevering with an Eating Disorder does not automatically imply that I am a failure, but is a decision that I made for myself within myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I do not have to see / define / experience myself as a failure for not having persevered within pursuing/maintaining an Eating Disorder

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only thing I failed at was valuing myself as a Being rather than an image/picture presentation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have only valued myself in so far that I could stick within maintaining an Eating Disorder instead of valuing myself as Life

Monday, 28 January 2013

Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia

Day 167: The Big Fall

Day 168: Always Just out of Reach

Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me
Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within not having been satisfied with myself and my life, have made the decision to pursue an eating disorder in order to make my life more interesting – where I totally and completely submerge myself into this one point of ‘change’ within being unwilling to look at the actual cause/reason as to why I am unhappy/dissatisfied with my life as what is already here and bring about the necessary corrections

Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within being unhappy/dissatisfied with my life and how things were going -- to not have looked at all the various dimensions/aspects that my life consists of pinpoint what requires correction and have giving it direction to change – but where instead I created an additional point/later/dimension on top of what was already existent, and submerged myself within this point totally and completely to the point that all other dimensions/aspects of my life are ‘pushed away’ and only this one point as an Eating Disorder exists

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within not being happy/satisfied with my life and not really wanting to look at the origin/cause/reason of this unhappiness/dissatisfaction – have created a point of distraction/entertainment as an Eating Disorder which I submerged and indulged in to the fullest extent, where every moment of my day was tied to this one point which took dominance in my life as coping mechanism where I could be busy/entertained and feel like I was ‘doing something’ and ‘going somewhere’ while all the while I was really hiding from myself and the points that required direction within my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within having found my life dull and boring to have created the point of Eating Disorder within my life as a way to ‘spice up’ and make my life more ‘exciting’ – believing that this was an innocent point and not considering that my constant and continuous participation within this one point would cause it to start leading a life of its own

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of changing my life and the points I was dissatisfied with, have merely mutated my life within adding an additional dimension/aspect within it to entertain and distract myself whereby my life in essence remained the same but went unnoticed within being completely obsessed and involved in this one point as managing an Eating Disorder

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within making the decision of taking on an Eating Disorder, have only taken into account the mental/mind aspect of my life/reality, where all I cared about was having particular experiences without for a moment looking at and considering the physical implications of such an undertaking, where I utterly and completely disregarded my human physical body and only cared about having a positive energetic experience within losing weight

When and as I see myself seeking out and looking for a point that I can add to my life in order to bring in new energy charges within being unhappy/dissatisfied with my life or finding it dull/boring – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am not interested in real change but want to go for a ‘quick fix’, where instead of investigating why I am unhappy and dissatisfied with my life and giving those points direction to come to a correction – have gone and looked/created an additional point that I can add/integrate to my already existing life in order to bring in something ‘new’ and suppress my current experience – I see and realise that this is not an actual solution but merely covering up / hiding the problem and making it harder for myself to actually bring about change that I can be satisfied with permanently and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and investigate the nature of me looking for a project/point to add to my life to ‘heighten’ the contrast of my living experience so to speak, and commit myself to identify/investigate the cause/origin that triggered this looking for / creation of an additional dimension within my life within investigating who I am and who I live as now, and to see where I can change things to a point of effectiveness so that I do not have to trap myself within a polarity game of energy where I constantly seek out the good to balance out bad without seeing and understanding how these negative and positive experiences came about in the first place

When and as I see myself go into a movement of ‘maybe I can focus on losing weight again’ – I stop and I breathe, I see and realise that I have gone down this road before which is merely a point of distraction to cover up an inherent feeling of dissatisfaction and disappointment with my life and so I commit myself to identify these points of dissatisfaction/disappointment and map them out so that I can work through them within Self Forgiveness and Self Correction

Sunday, 27 January 2013

Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin

Day 167: The Big Fall

Day 168: Always Just out of Reach

Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me

Whenever I would go through a 'rough patch', I'd be bouncing around between starving myself and binging. I would get to a point where I was frustrated with myself and wanting to give up / get over with it -- upon which I would start binging.

I saw the binging as a point of 'stopping' the ED, where I believed that eating lots of food was the 'good' and 'right thing to do' in comparison and in contrast to starving/depriving myself -- while it was actually still a continuance and outflow of the same point.

Since I'd find myself in a bad spot, where I felt like a failure - I would go 'fine, whatever!' and go for whatever junk food was closest and stuff myself. But how I actually experienced myself and the binge eating was still a statement of failure, where I went from one side of being a failure / not good enough to starving myself to 'better myself' to the other side of eating lots and mostly lots of crap food as a point of 'I'm a mess / failure anyway so I might as well screw myself over with lots of shitty food -- I'm a screw up anyway, screwing myself over this little bit more is not going to make much of a difference'. So then that's how I would justify going into binge eating.

Then after I was done, I would feel bad, ashamed and guilty. I'd access a point of wanting to 'undo' what I just had done, so there puking became a point of 'going back in time' and correcting my mistake. So then I'd puke.

But even though the puking removes the food from your stomach, it doesn't remove the actual reason/motivation or the 'why' as to why I had stuffed myself in the first place -- which was in essence a point of self-disappointment and self-hatred.

All I cared about was getting rid of the guilt and now of course I also had to prove myself so then I'd go right back to strictly starving myself - back to the other side of the polarity.

I mean, the way I experienced myself within stuffing myself with crap food and knowing its not good for my body was the same way I'd experience myself when downing alcohol or doing drugs, where there was a point of wanting to obliterate myself.

So then when I eventually 'stopped' starving myself and believed myself to have gone 'back to normal' (not that I ever had a 'normal' relationship with food), I actually took on more of a binging pattern within myself and would 'spoil' myself a lot so to speak, eating lots of shitty food -- and then I would justify it with 'well, I'm eating aren't I?'. Like, even though I knew something was off about my eating pattern, I'd make it sound 'alright' because it was not 'not eating', as if the 'not eating' was the only thing that the ED had consisted of - while it hadn't, both points had gone hand in hand.

No-one also questioned this behaviour, and I was getting chubby -- but this was then considered 'healthy' as opposed to being skinny, and eating lots was encouraged and met by a smile on my mother's face, being happy that I was apparently 'out of it'.

Sunday, 20 January 2013

Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection

When and as I see myself longing for passion and commitment within my life – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am coming from a starting point of separation, where I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require something ‘out there’ to fill me up with ‘passion and commitment’ and so I commit myself to identify where I perceive that I am lacking commitment and passion within my life where I want to make up for that lack within finding something else to be passionate/committed about and commit myself to apply commitment and passion as myself

When and as I see myself longing for passion and commitment within my life and see myself going into that movement of ‘looking out there’ and ‘wondering where I can find passion’ I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that commitment and passion is already here as myself and so I commit myself to apply and express commitment and passion as myself

When and as I see myself go into an application of obsession within wanting to be committed/passionate – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am coming from a polarity design where I perceived myself lacking any and all ability to be passionate/committed and within that go into the opposite polarity of being obsessive, where I allow myself to be completely obsessed with whatever point I decided to go with – where there is no space for expression of flexibility, but only a one dimensional focus which is doomed to burn out as it is based on energy instead of self-realization

When and as I see myself longing for passion and commitment in my life and look for it outside of myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am merely diverting/distracting myself from investigating my application where I have detected a point that can be perfected / specified, but where instead of dealing with that point, I go and look for something else to perfect so that I can fool myself to still experience myself as satisfied without actually having taken self-responsibility and so I commit myself to look at the points where I know I can improve myself and commit myself to passionately take on these points and perfect them for myself

When and as I see myself go into a mode of ‘adoration’ and ‘idolizing’ within seeing people with an Eating Disorder / contemplating Eating Disorders within the belief that what I am looking at is diligence, discipline, willpower and commitment – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is exactly what the nature of Eating Disorders is about, where I/we have accepted and allowed ourselves to have created a distorted and disharmonious definition of what it means to be diligent, disciplined, will powered and committed – while we actually have not ever lived true diligence, true discipline, true will power and true commitment – as I have seen and realised through walking the Desteni Process, that true commitment, diligence, discipline and willpower has got nothing to do with occupying oneself with impose an image/illusion unto physical reality – that is an easy thing to do – what takes real discipline, commitment, diligence and willpower is to investigate the nature of ourselves as who we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to become, to see and realise the dishonesty and destruction we’ve become and to walk the process of correcting our nature of self-destruction to one of Self-Support towards ourselves and all other forms of Life as ourselves – where one move and push to become the best possible version of themselves and within doing so assist others to do the same: This is the REAL Challenge and the only Journey of Self-Perfection worth walking

Visit the Desteni I Process Lite website to start your journey to Self Perfection today

Tuesday, 15 January 2013

Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences

I was 'lucky' to have two friends who also had eating disorders – although it was never specifically states as such, their behaviour and attitude towards food, eating and gossip about other people and themselves made pretty clear what was going on.

I would spend my days around them if I could, since we supported each other's state of mind and would not ask questions about the other not eating - quite the opposite, we cheered it lol.

Something unexpected happened though. I would still hang out with my 'bigger group' of friends with one of the two people who also had the ED -- and after they had noticed our behaviour and how much weight we had lost - they started doing the same thing.

Oh oh

I did not prepare for that.
I did not want them to go through what we were doing, because even though we were doing it, we knew it wasn't 'right' and it's something that starts consuming and controlling your whole life.

I always believed that what I was doing was 'innocent' from the sense that it was only affecting my life, my reality. But now through my acceptance and allowance of adopting an Eating Disorder, and the fact that 'no man is an island'-- I was having a direct, negative impact on the life of others. Not only did I aid in supporting my two friends their eating disorder, but was also part of the cause of other people going down the same road.

This is an example of 'living as an example' and a bad one at that -- where other people see you change, and start doing the same. This is where I realised that whatever I do and however I decide to behave either actively or passively through my acceptance and allowance, will have an impact, an influence on others -- through better or for worse.

Now, this was just what was happening within my small little circle of friends, but you could see the same pattern occur in the school in its entirety. It was an art school, so everyone's very much visual/image based and very much pre-occupied looking all 'cool' and 'artsy'-- and being a 'pretty skinny girl' was kind of part of that whole scene.

A lot of girls were unnaturally skinny, and each year as new people would join the school, you could see them 'turn', see them adopt the same destructive life-style as those who were already there, those who were functioning as an example of 'what it means to be someone in this school'. And I mean, it was scary -- but none of the teachers or other staff members seemed to notice. It was this whole secret, hidden, hush-hush subculture that existed and no-one talked about it.

Like I said before, with my friends who had EDs, we never acknowledged to one another what it is we were doing (because then also we'd be admitting to one another that we're 'superficial'). So it was more of a silent acceptance, a silent agreement.

So now, this is one group of friends, one school -- you can only IMAGINE what goes on, on a society/world scale. We are constantly being bombarded by bad examples, by unsustainable life-styles where we promote compromising our human physical bodies to attain some freaking image -- which most of the time is not even possible to attain because it's been manipulated and modified with make-up, specific lighting, specific clothing and photoshop and what not. So you end up compromising into infinity, chasing a reality which has never even been in your reach, it's such a trap.

I mean, is this what it means to live in the 21st century? Is this what it means to live in 'modern times', is this what it means to be 'evolved'? Sure, we have some nice gadgets and technologies which made our life more comfy (and even that, only for a minority) -- in the meantime you have the majority of the world living in physical suffering because we've been unable to overcome our selfishness and then those who do have material comfort live a life of complete unprecedented mental disorder. All in all - we're a very destructive race and are the worst example for future generations.

We really have to reconsider and re-evaluate our whole way of doing things and the way we live our lives, because it's simply not worth it.

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3

Within the book where I made my drawings / sketches – I would also start keeping a form of diary.

Here, I would write everyday about how I felt, what I did and how I did in terms of keeping up with particular goals. I would set myself particular goals, whether it was in the form of calories, weight or exercise. Depending on how I did – my writing would either be ‘happy’ and ‘positive’ if I had kept up with my goal or did ‘better’ – and would be ‘negative’ and literally me insulting myself, if things hadn’t gone according to plan. When I was busy managing my thoughts (which I wrote about in Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thoughts - Part 1) I would also ‘practise’ insulting myself where I would swear at myself if I fucked up – I had a really hard time with that one, and it felt completely stupid, awkward and fake to be calling myself a ‘stupid bitch’ for instance. I never would previously insult or swear at myself so this point I transferred to writing, where I would practice ‘bashing’ myself. It was awkward at first, but I got better at it. The writing was always more to induce some kind of emotional response inside myself – where I used writing and words to ‘work myself up’ to get to a particular emotional state like being very sad or very angry.

After a while I would also start keeping diagrams and graphs in terms of how my weight was progressing over time – where I would have one chart/graph in terms of how I would like things to go and another one showing how things actually were moving (which was of course a different story).

So I would write, write, write – which was like me ‘winding myself up’ like some mechanical doll – then I’d have achieved a particular ‘state of mind’ which I would use to manipulate myself to be in a ‘bad spot’ from which I would then ‘push’ myself out into the opposite direction in terms of re-committing and motivating myself to a point of ‘I’m gonna do this’ and ‘I’m going to get there’.

This is where I saw that emotions are not always reactions as things that just ‘happen’, but is something that one can actually create and generate and use to influence oneself in one way or another. And within this also, how writing can be used to wire yourself up in a particular way and re-enforce particular patterns (like judging / bashing myself).

So now I already had quite a package deal for myself to influence my behaviour and attitude through writing, thinking, drawing, reading and watching. It was really quite the undertaking and required my constant engagement in either ways to keep myself going. It was literally a full-time job where any moment of non-participation in any of these points would immediately show/reflect in how I was doing in terms of sticking to my plan – where there would be drop in motivation and commitment.

This was quite an insightful experience, because I had never worked with myself in this way in terms of my thoughts, emotions and writing – and discovered quite a bit in terms of how these things can be used as tools to ‘change’ yourself. What I did not realise at that point yet, were the implicit considerations. I did for instance not look at how my ‘normal’ and what felt to me ‘natural’ thoughts, emotions and feelings were also constantly influencing me and controlling my behaviour. I simply accepted them ‘as me’ and did not consider to use for instance writing to change those points as well.

So when I came to the point of finding Desteni and watching Jack and Veno and other beings do interviews through the Portal on Thoughts, Feeling & Emotions and Writing – I immediately jumped the boat because I had experienced first hand how these points can be manipulated and used to get a particular result. The only thing that required to change was my starting-point as I had used these points against myself where I had accepted my limited nature and then used ‘what I got’ as ‘limitation’ to try and make things work for me in terms of entertaining myself within my Life and achieving a sense of ‘getting somewhere’ within developing an Eating Disorder (and in essence, ‘specialising’ / ‘extensifiying’ my limitation lol) – instead of looking at who and what I had accepted and allowed myself to become as self-limitation (eg. I cannot be passionate, I cannot have a sense of purpose, I cannot commit myself) and using writing to assist and support myself through these limitations within changing my Thoughts, Feeling and Emotions – as it was these patterns that I was participating within that were keeping myself locked and hindered me from embracing and becoming actual change.

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself

Within the next few blogs I want to walk a point that occurred a few years back when I was about 16, where for about a whole year I basically starved myself.

I’ve talked a bit about this point in one of my previous blogs prior to starting the Journey to Life, within: Finding my Desteni - How I was Able to Hear the Desteni Message

It was quite a fucked-up year in terms of the amount of brainwashing I imposed unto myself and the extent that this point completely took over my life – even more so that I had expected/anticipated (because I believed I was in ‘control’) – but when looking at it now there were also some cool points that opened up, or rather, within all of the fucked-up-ness there is always an angle of looking at things in terms of turning them into points of self-support.

So within the next few blogs, I will write about how it started, why I did it, how I did, what I realised and some of the unexpected consequences that came about – as well as writing out Self Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements as I don’t think I’ve written this out properly for myself before.

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Wednesday, 6 February 2013

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Monday, 28 January 2013

Sunday, 27 January 2013

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Sunday, 20 January 2013

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