Day 146: Death of a Horse

Today we put down one of our horses, Titan.

A few days ago, he came back from the field with a big lump by his throat. Since it appeared just like that out of nowhere, we figures it may just a lymph node that is swollen and fighting off some infection, or maybe an allergy or an abscess that was forming. The lump didn’t seem to bother him until about three days ago he started making coughing sounds in his stable when eating the hay, like maybe some food got stuck in his mouth or went through the wrong hole and he was trying to cough/snort it out. Then the day before yesterday, as I was ready to leave the stables I heard him cough and wondered if maybe it wasn’t connected to the lump. I came around to see what he was doing and as he saw me come check up on me he came close, had a big cough, and splashed my boots full or green slime with small pieces of grass in it. He was having trouble eating and was just coughing and sliming up the whole place.

The next day we got a vet to come and check, and he thought that maybe the horse had “choke” which is where some food gets stuck and then the horse has a hard time eating and drinking. The slime that was coming out of his nose was actually the saliva from his mouth that he couldn’t swallow because of the obstruction, so it went out through the nose – along with anything else he ate.

He tried to tube Titan, which is where they put a tube through the nose down into his oesophagus, to see whether the tube could go past the lump/obstruction. The tube didn’t get through and just hit solid mass, which made it unlikely that it was food. We then considered cancer since he had cancer before in his eye, but since the lump appeared over the span of 8 hours, we thought that this would be unlikely. The vet then tried to draw fluid from the lump, if it was an abscess some puss should come out – but nothing came out except for a little blood when penetrating the skin.

He took a sample from the lump through a syringe and gave him so muscle relaxant in case it was food stuck, so that it maybe could start moving. We’d have more information after the lab tested the sample.

The next day, we got a call and the lab let us know that there were definitely cancer cells present, but that they would know more once they grew a culture and would phone a later. In the meantime, a horse specialist came out to look at him. He immediately did a UV scan like how they do with a pregnancy to check out the baby, but in this case to see what the lump/mass consisted of. The vet suspected cancer since it was solid and didn’t show characteristics of being an abscess, and also not a bacterial infection since touching or pushing the lump did not seem to hurt Titan.

We knew that if it was going to be cancer that we were going to have to put him down. He was already an old horse and has seen many things happening through his body, and another episode of cancer would indicate that his body is just not able to work through things properly anymore and is deteriorating, and so causing unnecessary suffering.

The vet then called the lab to see if they had more info, and this time the result was definitive: it was cancer, and it was highly aggressive – which is why it manifested into the giant size it was in only a day. It is a very rare type of cancer for horses, and due to the position and size of the tumour – there was no way that surgery would help, it would probably kill him anyway.

When we heard the news, everyone started to tear a little, because we knew now definitely: it’s time for him to go. It was obvious that this was the best way to go, I mean he hadn’t been eating, he hadn’t been drinking and was obviously suffering from the obstruction. The sooner we’d put him down, the better. So even though it was clear this was the best way to go, it was still an unfortunate point – not that I wanted him to live like this, but because we live in a world where things like cancer exist which cause much suffering – a world that we created through our acceptance and allowance.

We then had to quickly make some practical decisions, because we’d have to put him down on the farm and he has a big body, so we had to decide where we would bury him so he could die close to the spot. Once that decision was made, we walked him to the spot, the vet sedated him and once his was sleepy he gave him the final two injections that would put him down. After the two injections were in it was a matter of seconds before he fell down on the ground and was gone. It all went pretty quick. Once all the reflexes stopped in the body, he took a sample of the tumour as the people in the lab wanted to study it, since it was such a rare case. We then got a proper look at the tumour and it was real nasty – it was big and spreading down in throat, and up into his mouth and to the other side as well. We then also saw the jugular that had been feeding the tumour, which was also massive.


Everyone with a horse or other animal knows that this day comes, the day the animal dies.

I knew this within myself as well when I got Charlie, but always projected it to be waaaaaaay in the future and something I would deal with when the time comes. Believing, just like when I had my guinea pig, that his death would still be years away and that I would by that time have ‘toughened-up’ and be able to deal with it. Truth is, you don’t know when these things happen. This whole thing that happened with Titan, happened in the course of a week or less, and the same with Babitjie, the cat that was put down yesterday – it was all sudden and it was all quick.

All in all, I must say it wasn’t as bad as I had expected. A decision had to be made, it was unfortunate, but it was the best decision and anything else would have been a compromise. I was sad, because like all animals on the farm, Titan as a horse has been great support to Gian and also to myself when I have worked with him, I was grateful for him having been here and the time we shared.

He was an old stubborn horse, and he never cared much about us humans and our quirks. If he didn’t want to go somewhere, and didn’t want to move – you could scream and shout at him, and try and force him to do what you wanted, and he would just stand his ground and not move. Anytime you would go into some emotional tantrum, he would just stand there and not move, so everything you threw at him, bounced right off of him back to yourself, so you could see what you were doing. He’d gone through a lot of abuse in his life before he came to us, and even though humans had previously treated him as crap, he had accepted Gian to be his partner and walked with him every day.

It was the best thing to do to get him out of his misery, so his death in itself is not sad, since we’re all going to die at some stage, but what was sad was that this was the only solution to his suffering, as this was suffering created as a result of the world we live in, which is a world we collectively created.

Each time an animal has to be put down as the result of undue suffering – it is testimony to our legacy of fucked-up-ness.

Each time a child dies of starvation, while it could have been provided for, but we didn’t care to create and structure the world in a way to make it possible for all to live a dignified Life – it is a testimony to our fucked-up-ness.

I’ve dealt with a lot of deaths on the farm, and this is the one point that keeps on striking me, because most of the time the death was not a natural death where an animal’s life had been lived to completion – but most of the time the death was the result of consequence as a ‘negative side-effect’ of the world we’ve produced and participate in, which means it was each time an untimely death that could have been prevented.

We really need to sort out this reality, there are way more uncool things happening than there is cool stuff happening – it’s really not worth it to waste your time trying to chase the few good things in this world which give you a momentary experience of happiness while the majority suffers. This is not a cool world to live in, and we do have an alternative. We can eradicate world poverty, we can get rid of famine, we can get rid of crime, we can get rid of fear of living – where we fear living in this world simply because we KNOW that this is not a cool place and we KNOW that shit can hit us at any time from any corner.

So, instead of trying to be the ones that don’t get hit by shit in this world and living in constant fear, we can simply decide to change the conditions of this world to one that is truly Best for All, so that you can come into this world, and you can simply be and you can simply live. We’ve really screwed things up for ourselves, and we’ve screwed ourselves over believing that how we live is fine and acceptable: it is not.

If we can stop unnecessary suffering then it is our duty to do so – there should be no choice in this.

Work towards making this world one that is Best for All – learn how it is possible to change the nature of self-interest of the human to one that is Best for All Life at Desteni, and learn how we can put into place the structures and institutions that reflect a nature that is Best for All at the Equal Money System website.

We don’t have to live like this, so let’s not.

Related articles

• Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain
• Day 219 - The Mirrors of Competition for Survival of energy and Money.
• Day 193 - The End of the World Wish.
• Day 203: After Death Communication - Part 51

Day 95: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party - Part 2

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain

Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party

When and as I see myself being sad when an animal has died, and see that I am ‘done’ with the crying/being sad and see myself wanting to go and dig up memories within myself as all the ‘good times’ we had together to deliberately instigate the generation of emotions as energy so that I can maintain the sadness and crying or even ‘up’ it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am going beyond the point of ‘letting go’ but instead abuse this moment to become an emotional wreck for the sake of becoming an emotional wreck which has no relation to the being that just died – and so I commit myself to within that moment snap myself out of wanting to go and dig up memories, breathe and ground myself within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself going into a mode of ‘seeing an opportunity’ when an animal has died to go and have a private pity party for myself in order to get rid of excess built-up/accumulated energy within my life – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am abusing the moment to deceive myself and others in order to ‘escape’ and have a temporary ‘exit’ of my reality – where I do not require to be responsible because of ‘extenuating circumstances’ – where I pretend to be badly affected so that I can sulk in my own self-pity and get to be ‘excused’ for it – which is completely unacceptable – and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, investigate the movement of wanting to use this event as an opportunity to have a pity-party within writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements and Application

When and as I see myself digging up memories to fuel feelings of being sad and crying when someone died and seeing that there is something ‘off’ about it – I stop and breathe – I see and realise that there is indeed something off about it as I am participating within deliberate self-manipulation to spill out emotions of self-pity which have accumulated throughout my life in a way that I can ‘cover them up’ and not have to look at them and so I stop and commit myself to take responsibility for these built up emotions and investigate how I have accumulated these throughout my life and give them direction through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements and Application

When and as I see myself judging myself for not being overly emotional when someone has died – and where I want to in response to the judgment/guilt, go an dig up memories of all the ‘good times’ I had with the being to trigger crying/sadness as I perceive this to be ‘normal’ behaviour – and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, ground myself within my human physical body and investigate my ideas of morality and ‘normalcy’ within the context of beings dying and what the ‘appropriate response’ should be

When and as I see myself access/go into the belief that crying when someone has died is a token of ‘care’ and that thus ‘not crying’ is a token of ‘not caring’ and ‘psychopathic behaviour’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have created this idea based on upbringing, education and media without ever investigating the phenomenon of Death and what it actually entails when someone dies and so I commit myself to debunk my beliefs about death and ‘care’ within Self-Reflective writing

Related articles

• Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain
• Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party
• Day 78: Self-Rejection
• Day 90: Holding Back - Part 2
• Day 92: Always Expect the Worst - Part 2

Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when an animal would die and I would for a moment cry and be sad -- to not stop when I moved through the release, but instead go and deliberately go and 'dig up' memories within myself with all the 'good times' we had together to deliberately instigate the generation of emotions as energy so that I could continue crying and be sad instead of stopping when I saw that I was done with it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when an animal would die and be sad and cry for a moment -- to not stop when I saw I was done being sad/crying -- but instead use this event/occurrence as an opportunity to have a 'pity party' with myself, where I deliberately use emotionally-laden memories in connection to the animal that passed away to bubble up emotions inside myself and have a cry/pity party -- where I go through all the events in my life where I felt powerless and a victim and tell myself how hard my life sucks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when an animal would die and I would be sad and crying -- to not stop when I saw I was done, but instead use this moment to go 'overboard' and push my energetic/emotional levels up and use the death of the animal as an excuse/justification to be an emotional wreck, because I saw that this type of behaviour would not be 'out of line' considering the event that just happened, and that thus no-one would come and bother me about it, they would even come and comfort me from time to time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when an animal would die and I would be sad and cry about it for a moment, and then to be able to continue being sad I would dig up memories deliberately that were positively loaded -- to not have stopped myself when looking at what I was doing and seeing that it was 'off' in the sense that I felt that I was cheating the animal that just died, because I wasn't in fact crying or mourning about the actual animal/being that just died -- but instead I was using the memories in which they featured to conjure up an emotional experience and use their death as an excuse to become an emotional, directionless, sobbing 'blob' and give in to self-pity which had been accumulated throughout my life but which I suppressed and never gave direction -- so I could for a moment release my feelings of self-pity within the misguided context of 'mourning' so that I would never give these experiences and how they came about a second thought, and so set myself up to release for a moment, to then be able to accumulate/recharge myself once again with emotions of self-pity throughout my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when finding myself a bit sad for a moment, in terms of acknowledging the fuckedupness of our world -- but where this was only for a few seconds and did not feel like I was going to cry -- where I judged myself as being a 'bad person' for not crying and tried to guilt trip myself into going back to digging up emotional-laden memories to make myself cry so I wouldn't feel bad about not feeling bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea/judgment/belief about what one has to do in relation to the death of someone -- where I believe one should cry as a token to show that you cared about the being that died, where consequently I within that also created the idea/belief/judgment that if someone does not cry about the death of another, that this means/implies that they did not care and are kind of psychopathic

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that crying about someone dying does not necessarily have to mean that this shows that they 'cared' as I have seen for myself that my emotional cry burst-outs had nothing to do with the being that died but was a manipulation technique to suit my own selfish ends

Related articles

• Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain
• Day 89: Holding Back
• Day 91: Always Expect the Worst, Like that you won't get Disappointed
• Day 92: Always Expect the Worst - Part 2
• Day 150: Matrix of FLESH is SELF

Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain

While I was busy writing my blogs on the birdies, a point opened up in relation to their death/them dying and how I would experience myself. In the past I've almost always cried a lot and experienced myself to be very emotional. During my stay here at the farm, I've had to deal with a lot of deaths, mostly birds as the ones we would find and chickens, ducks, goslings.

With the last two birds that died, I found myself not being emotional and not crying.

Stuff had happened, it resulted in the death of the animal -- there was nothing more I could do. It was just another confirmation of how we've designed, created and allowed which is fucked into every possible way.

Then, as I noticed that I wasn't crying or being overly emotional -- I started to feel bad and guilty, thinking I should cry now and be sad, and that the amount of sadness/crying would reflect 'how much I cared' about the being that died. So now I felt bad/guilty, because I interpreted how I was experiencing myself -- or rather my 'lack' of experience, as a bad thing -- thinking that it meant that I didn't care and was 'unrespectful' towards the dead.

Then, I looked at my past experiences when animals died, where often I would for a moment be sad and upon realising that they are dead/gone -- but it would be a very short experience. What I did afterwards, was actually quite interesting. Once I was crying and being sad, but not like, in an energetic way -- I would use the opportunity of 'there has been a death' -- to go completely 'overboard' with sadness. Like I just said, I would be sad for a moment, but be fine quite soon afterwards -- and once I would hit that moment of "Hmm, I'm actually quite fine, there's no more reason to be sad" -- I'd go and deliberately 'dig' into memories as 'all the good times we had together' to make myself become emotional and cry alot -- just for the sake of being emotional and crying, where I felt that this was a good opportunity to seize and allow myself to be an emotional wreck, because it would be seen as 'justifiable', considering someone just died.

I remember doing this with my guinea pig's death, where I would manipulate myself into being an emotional wreck through digging up memories, and then looking at the memory and saying to myself "See, this is what you are loosing -- you are never going to be able to have such a moment again", upon which emotions would well up and I would cry and cry and just lay in my bed and sob all depressed and victim like, where I was actually enjoying just being this bag of emotions just laying there all 'powerless' and "oh my god, the world and my life sucks so much" -- where I basically used the death of the pet as an excuse to have a self-pity party.

So then this whole experience really didn't have anything to do with the being that died, I just found it to be a good opportunity to let out all the self-pity that I had accumulated until that point in my life (maybe not all of it, but still a substantial amount).

Looking back at how I experienced myself with the death of my guinea pig, I used this 'mechanism' to manipulate myself and others, and where others would not 'question' my behaviour, because 'Hey, I just lost someone' -- where within that moment of deliberately digging up memories and saying things to myself that I knew would make me feel bad/cry -- I felt like I was 'cheating' in the sense of using the dead animal's "name in vain" -- where I was abusing their death and their life for the sake of suiting my own personal interest as having a pity party.

So then fast forwarding back to where I am now, where I was feeling bad about not feeling bad (lol) -- I immediately went into a movement of 'maybe I should go and dig up some memories and make myself cry, because that's the appropriate thing to do', where with the last bird, I dug up a memory and I could see the mechanism already turning its wheels, where I felt the emotions welling up and 'winding myself up' energetically. But then I stopped, because I saw that this was not the point, because within digging up memories as pictures with energetic signatures attached, I'm not dealing with the actual animal that died -- I'm just using information stored within me to manipulate how I feel, which as no actual direct physical relationship to the being that just died -- and that to me was like 'sacrilege' where I was once again going into the point of 'using someone's name in vain' -- and so I stopped and simply accepted that I was not going to be crying over this death and moved on pretty quickly.

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• Day 193: After Death Communications - Part 42
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Day 88: Fear of the Past Repeating Itself

Yesterday another birdie was found on the farm.

I was busy studying while I heard Gian getting a call in the room. He came out and his face had an expression of hesistation, and a slight grin/smile -- as he said that Fidelis found a birdie.

I shared him the same face/expression back -- because each time we find a birdie, we go into that space of uncertainty: What type of Bird is it (as this influences how easy/difficult it is to take care of them)? Is it hurt? Will the bird make it?

Then, about 15 minutes after Gian had left to get the birdie, he came into the house with his hand closed, with the again the same facial expression as he said: "It's a TweeTweet".

There, my heart skipped a beat, because we had previously taken care of a birdie, TweeTweet, -- which we at that time we thought to be a Fiscal Flycatcher, but now after revision, we found out it's actually a Fiscal Shrike -- where we had a lot of fun/interesting times with the birdie, until it tragically died/drowned two years ago.

Now, this birdie -- looks EXACTLY the same as TweeTweet, and is at the exact same physical development stage as when we found TweeTweet two years ago. This species of bird is the only one we've had so far (well, besides the two Parrots which we still had to feed by hand, and the chick and gosling) that is totally okay with being around Humans and is easy to feed, as it will just cry/scream and open its mouth wide whenever it is hungry.

So whenever there's the point of a new 'birdie', I slightly go into the fear of 'what if' -- as not many birdies have made it so far. And now that the birdie was a TweeTweet, I went into it a bit more as I don't want to go through the same point in the past. When we first had TweeTweet, we were quite 'new' and 'innocent' in relation to the whole taking care of baby birds thing. But now that we've had to deal with many deaths, I am now more fearful when handling/taking care of them. Birds have this thing where their head gets all loose and floppy and it looks like it has lost all of its strength, which usually means a point of 'giving up' on the side of the bird, where the birdie does not see itself surviving and just 'gives up', where the head will start wobbling and flopping to the back or side, and usually soon after the birdie will die within having made that decision of 'giving up'.

So now for instance, with this new birdie, each time I see its head move in a direction that may possible be this 'floppy head' movement, I experience a little shock of "OH NO, what if he/she's going into it!". Which usually only happens for a split of a second as the birdie is moving its head to reach to its chest to for instance preen itself.

So now I have an opportunity to walk through this point again.
Though now there's also some additional points to consider, since last time that we had TweeTweet we only had her, the lizards and a little sparrow -- and she could pretty much roam the room without disturbing anyone.

Now we have the Parrots and they may possible go into a point of conflict with one another if either one perceives the other to be more dominant. So there I saw I had an additional fear of 'how is this going to work out with the Parrots'.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to Follow

Related articles

• Day 81: I'm a Lost Cause, Let me Save You
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Day 7: Letting Go of Fear

This is a continuation to: "Day 6: Fear of Something Going Wrong & Wanting to be in Control"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the event of TweeTweet's death imprint a fear within me of "fear of things going wrong with pets"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not properly deal with the loss of a pet and within that allow this event to have a major impact on my life in terms of how I want to be in control in relation to pets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have immediately reacted to my experiences of loss as "I do not ever want to experience this again" and within that set myself up in a way to avoid any and all possible situations and combinations of factors which could lead to the loss of a pet

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this is not a solution in terms of dealing with the loss of a pet

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instantaneously suppress the event and focus my energy towards "not ever experiencing this again" instead of pushing myself to deal with the experience so that I do not have to go through it next time it happens (instead of wanting to avoid/hide from such situations)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with pets from a starting point of fear and anxiety

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that participation stemming from fear and anxiety is not real participation -- as I am not experiencing the moment as is -- but a modified reality version created within my own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within fear back chat as "I hope they're not dead" and then act upon that backchat through checking up on the parrots randomly to check that they're still alive

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this only further feeds my backchat and will only make the situation worse inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within fear as nauseousness upon seeing blood

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the picture of blood with the idea of "nightmare" within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a necessary connection between the sight of blood and "experiencing a nightmare" within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump to conclusions when seeing blood -- where I immediately expect worse-case-scenario

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ruled by emotions and feelings when it comes to injured pets instead of common sense evaluation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about not having been there when the Parrots got hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about not having been there when TweeTweet drowned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should have been there

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be around my pets as much as possible so that I can be there when things happen or be there to prevent things from happening

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this is no way of living life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the expression of my pets through my fears of something happening to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within myself  -- whenever I am faced with an injured bird -- that the bird will probably be dead by the morning so that I am "prepared" in case it happens, where I told myself that this was going to happen anyway, where I do not want to think of the bird being ok/making it because if he then doesn't then I will feel worse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at pets only in terms of how I feel and how I experience myself and not how whatever is happening might be affecting the pet in question


I commit myself to investigate my reactions and experiences of past events when being faced with the loss of a pet

I commit myself to investigate all suppressions in relation to fears to do with pets

I commit myself to release myself from all anxieties and fears related to taking care of animals

I commit myself to be here in the moment when participating with pets

I commit myself to lay out for myself my alternate created reality of the world inside myself and to remove this alternate version of reality layer by layer until I am able to see what is really here

I commit myself to the stopping of backchat inside myself and within that commit myself to act upon common sense rather than nonsensical emotional experiences

I commit myself to remind myself that backchat and emotions have no real value in terms of the physical reality and only make things unnecessarily complicated for myself and those around me

I commit myself to removing all triggers and connection in relation to seeing blood

I commit myself to adopt a common sensical approach towards working with pets instead of a mind reality bubble of fear and anxiety as an added layer upon actual reality which only clouds and blurs my view

I commit myself to do what I can do provide the optimal environment for the pets in my care from the starting point of what is Best for All

I commit myself to let go of fear and wanting to be in control as this does not actually make a difference in terms of what is possible

I commit myself to remind myself that there are those which I can do to prevent harm from happening and that there will be circumstances where factors lie beyond my control -- and since they are beyond my control, there is nothing I can do and it is completely useless to worry about it

I commit myself to remind myself to live every moment to the fullest with the animals in my environment until I no longer can

I commit myself to redefining the word "death" as no longer containing a negative loaded emotion and conception but where death is simply another phase one goes through within one's life experience -- moving from one dimension to another

I commit myself to the ceasing of manipulating myself with thoughts as anticipation, expectation and hope in order to control my emotional experience

I commit myself to face my emotions when faced with them

I commit myself to not hide from my experiences

Day 2: Death of a Pet

This is a continuation on my previous blog

Within this post I'll be working on the Memory which popped-up in relation to the word 'abandonment'.

Memory:
When I first found out that we were going to get guinea pigs I asked my mom how long her guinea pig lived when she was young. I wanted to find out how old I was going to be when the guinea pig would die and through that kind of 'calculate' how much I would be affected by his death. If the guinea pig wasn't going to live long then I didn't want it because I feared it would hurt too much. My mom then told me that her guinea pigged lived up to the age of 8. I was 8 at the time and so I calculated that I would be 16 by the time he dies. I thought this was pretty cool as I believed that by the time I'd be 16, I'd be an emotionless zombie (as this was my perception of teenagers at the time).

We then went ahead and got guinea pigs -- one for me and one for Maite. Maite's died first as they were both males and my boy was dominating Maite's -- making him sleep outside from their little house and not allowing him by the food. Then a year or so later my guinea pig died. I was dreaming that he was dying when my mom woke me up saying that something's wrong with him. I ran downstairs to check on him and he was choking on brown stuff inside his throat. We tried to get him to the vet but he died on our way there. A big white worm came out just after he died and I cut off its head because I was so angry that it had killed my guinea pig (the cause of death seemed to be that he had a worm that was eating him up inside out. I was completely devastated when he died and stayed home. I promised myself that I would never ever get another animal or create a relationship like that ever again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have based my decision of getting a pet on the calculation of whether I would be affected by his inevitable death or not

When and as I see myself making a decision based upon fear -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am not using common sense within my decision making but instead allow emotions to direct me and my decisions. These aren't real decision but automated responses. I allow myself to release myself of the fear and re-assess my decision making process and make a decision within the consideration of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have anticipated the experience of 'pain' and 'loss' upon getting a pet

When and as I see myself anticipating and expecting a specific emotional outcome to an event -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am the one creating this consequence for myself and that it does not have to be so in effect. I can decide for myself how I want to direct myself through a particular event and allow myself to unconditionally participate without expecting a particular result

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a necessary connection/link between 'pet' and 'dying'

When and as I see myself making a connection between 'pet' / 'animal' and 'dying' -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that by participating in such associations I am placing myself in a position that I do not want to be in -- so why put myself there?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my behavior through the use of knowledge and information as to enable myself not having to face my fear

When and as I see myself reasoning myself out of a point -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am trying to justify my behaviour/actions/decisions and that I am thus inherently revealing to myself that I know that I am being dishonest. If I were honest with myself no justification building would be needed in support of an argument as the point would be self-evident within the context of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'fun', 'enjoyment', 'expression' and 'love' as separate of me and projected these points upon pets -- whereby as a consequence I believed that I would lose 'fun', 'enjoyment', 'expression' and 'love' if the pet would die.

When and as I see myself participate in a pattern of attaching certain points of expression upon others in my environment and world -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am in fact separating myself from points within myself and enslaving not only me to others but also enslave those beings and object to which I have attached the points to myself -- as I will attempt to keep those beings and objects within my immediate environment/reality even if it is not within their own best interest. Instead when a decision has to be made -- I take into consideration all the various variables and make a decision according to what is best for all and not in terms of what best suits me, as this is deliberate abuse stemming from self-interest.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I was never interested in the pet as the being itself -- but instead cared only of the 'benefits' it would provide for me in terms of 'fun', 'enjoyment', 'expression' and 'love'.

I commit myself to the starting point of taking care of animals as a point of custodianship whereby I assist and support the animal without placing 'conditions' on the animal where I expect certain things in return. It is a walking together within the consideration that the animal has its own life and that I am merely here to assist and support where necessary -- not to control its life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the death of pets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the sadness inside me when a pet dies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'death' as a bad thing

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that death is just like being born -- before you were born you weren't here, and then you suddenly are. Then later you are here on earth and then suddenly you aren't anymore. Yet birth gets celebrated and death is mourned.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to participate and support a world where beings dominate one another within a game of survival and will do whatever it takes to stay 'first in the race'.

When and as I see myself participate within the game of domination and submission -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am enslaving myself and the other in a never ending game which will never have a satisfying end. Instead I look into the situation and assess what direction to take which takes into consideration what is best for all involved. I see and realise that domination and submission only serves ego as the ego is always trying to win -- but there can be no winning without losing. And since I do not like it to be me within a losing position I let go of wanting to win as winning causes others to lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a world where beings die because of the polarity manifestation of submission and domination.

When and as I see beings participate within a pattern that is not beneficial for either parties, I intervene and make the necessary adjustments that will prevent the same cycle/pattern from happening over and over again. In the case of the guinea pigs it would have been to separate the two males or create a condition/environment that would allow plenty for both to live comfortably.

I commit myself to the finding of a solution to replace the current world system whereby a framework is put into place which provides for all equally and eliminates the need to be the 'strongest' in order to survive

Within this -- I also forigve myself for living in a world where animals of the same sex are sold together even though it is known that they will not function well together -- as the importance of money and profit has become greater than the well being of the whole.

I commit myself to bring about change in the world which will give back to the animals their rightful place in the world -- where they are no more objects of money but beings in their own right -- assisted and supported the same way as one would want to be assisted and supported within this world -- equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support the current money system through my passiveness and indifference towards political and economic solutions -- whereby people are forced to sell other beings in the name of profit and survival -- whereby the wellbeing of the animals is completely disregarded 

I commit myself to bring about political and economic change in order to bring about a change in people's working conditions so they no longer have to place themselves in situations of abuse in order to survive -- instead a framework must be in place which is an extension of one's life and thus in essence no longer will be defined as 'work' -- as it simply becomes part and amalgamates with and as one's lifestyle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a participant of a world system where it is logically justified to chase people out of a safe environment only to secure one's own well being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a participant of a world system where it is logically justified to keep others away from your food -- because it is your food and not theirs.

When and as I see myself feeling the need to keep someone away from 'my food' -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I would not want to be in the other one's position and that it thus makes more sense to share.

I commit myself to change the current world system of lack to a world system of sufficiency where all are provided and taken care of equally and indiscriminately

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a world where beings chase others away from food out of fear of not having enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support a system through not speaking, not demanding change --  where within the system is an illusion of 'there is not enough' because of a money system being in place which does not distribute and allocate resources within a principle of equity but only in the name of economic efficiency -- forcing beings into a constant state of fear and survival

I commit myself to speaking and writing in order to share and spread the message of a new political and economic system which allocates its resources in a way that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the existence of abuse through the manifestation of worms who eat the insides of other beings for their survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and be angry at a worm for the death of a pet -- while I did not consider that it is obviously not the worm's fault as he is only doing what needs to be done to survive in this world

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of anger or blame towards another -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that this reaction is indicating a point that requires to be realigned within myself -- not the other. I then take it up on myself to align this point and sort out the anger and blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as 'normal' that there are such manifestations as dominance and eating one another alive -- instead of questioning the state of our reality and investigate whether there is an alternative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swear/promise myself to never ever get another pet or create a relationship with another animal out of fear of then losing this relationship

When and as I see myself making promises to myself to not do something from a starting point of fear -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that avoiding and postponing is not an actual solution but merely putting the issue 'on hold'. Instead I investigate what it is I fear and assist myself in understanding the fear in order to let go of it and replace the fear with common sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'getting a pet' as an experience of 'gaining' -- whereby I gain 'love', 'expression', 'enjoyment' and 'fun' and thus also manifest for myself an experience of 'losing' through the death of a pet of the same points

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed myself within a position of dependency through having certain expectations of pets instead of embracing myself as those points which I projected/placed unto pets

I commit myself to changing the current world system to a place which is safe and fun for animals and where animals are no longer subject to human beings wants, desires and needs. I commit myself to a world where animals' lives are respected and honored the way we'd want our own life respected and honored

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise 'love' as myself as 'self-love' and 'self-appreciation'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that love and appreciation can only have its origin within a source outside of myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise 'enjoyment'/'fun' as myself as 'self-enjoyment' and  'self-fun'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'enjoyment' and 'fun' can only occur in conjunction with another being or thing but cannot manifest within myself, alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am dependent on outside sources to experience fun and enjoyment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I 'lose' something upon the death of a pet

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally enjoy the presence of a pet as another being, a companion -- where I allow myself to make the best out of it until we no longer can -- instead of living in continuous fear that the pet might die -- which in itself is pretty dumb because then taking care of another pet as a being become something which does not support you and is not an enjoyable experience for self and then the death of the being is the only thing that will force the being in letting go of the fear, by manifesting it. Then if the pet is dead there is nothing more to worry about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swear and promise to myself to never ever create another intimate relationship with a pet in order to not face the sadness upon its death -- instead of taking it up unto myself to investigate why I fear the death of a pet and address the issue within me until it is no longer an issue