Day 232: Fear, so much Fear!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in constant fear and survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find myself things to do to keep busy, to keep engaged and have myself focus on anything but my experience of fear and survival - to then when one moment / task is done - plunge into a panic of ‘what now??? Now it’s all back!’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of my own fear / of me experiencing and embodying fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my fear is very valid, where I perceive and believe my fear is my ‘voice of reason’ and that it’s there for a reason and that I must listen to it and be engaged with it because it’s trying to tell me something important that I need to know / be aware of to be able to avoid some worst case scenario -- and yet at the same time be so consumed by the fear that all I exist as is this fear and see no solutions, no direction and only react more to the state I am in which compounds the fear even more

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and distract myself from my fears and my experiences by keeping busy and keeping engaged so that I do not have a moment to myself where I am alone with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to on the one hand want to get away from my experience of fear because I ‘disappear’ and yet at the same time want to be engaged in my fear, give it attention, because I perceive and believe that it’s telling me information to protect me and I must act on my fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my fear in separation of myself, as this external entity that attacks and ‘takes over’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less than my fear

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am the creator of my own fear, that I am the one creating my own overwhelming experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see that I am capable of creating overwhelming experiences for and towards myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to my fears where I will tell myself ‘let go of the fear, whether I am in fear or not, I am here anyway’ - where for a moment I have peace inside myself only to then bring up all the ‘what ifs’ I have been fearing as if to put me ‘back in my place’ , ‘back to diminishment’ that I am ‘not allowed to not have fear’, that ‘fearlessness is ignorant and stupid’ - who do I think I am to not be fearful?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that the only way to give direction to points of concern is by fearing them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have equated fear to being responsible and considerate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fearfulness is a practical survival skill

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have equated fear to being aware 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be able to list all the things that can go wrong and being aware of everything that can go wrong at a given moment is ‘responsible’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate my fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is the answer to everything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that fear is justified because of previous moments / events where I didn’t know how to direct something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my past shows me my future, in that the future is necessarily going to be the same as the past and that I am bound to experience myself in the same way and respond to things the same way and so I am trapped and a victim and will only ever experience myself as my limitations 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust fear because I do not trust that I can change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even within this very self-forgiveness defend and justify my fears through logic

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have shown myself that I do not need fear 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to and defend the known while at the same time being unwilling to explore the unknown 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my fear and justify my fearfulness because apparently it ‘got me this far’ and so ‘has to be of use / valuable’ and that it is ‘reckless’ to ‘give that up’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to place the blame outside of myself as to ‘why I am so fearful’, that it’s because of ‘all of these reasons and things are just worth fearing’ while in reality I have not taken enough time, consistently, to do my writing, my forgiveness and have let things accumulate to the point where I am ‘too full of stuff’ and everything seems hopeless with no solution in sight - while I very well know that when I was most empowered was then I was writing and doing forgiveness consistently and that my current experience is a manifested consequence of ‘letting things slide’

Within this - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I could ‘afford’ to let things slide because I had reached a point of stability within myself and things were working out - perceiving and believing that once it has been ‘achieved’ it will remain there forevermore, taking only note of the end result and not the process of creation and that it is this process of creation that requires to be maintained and practised consistently over time

I commit myself to get back to what I know serves me, to the basics, to the tools that have always supported me as breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective statements and actions

I commit myself to trust myself to get back to my real self, to trust that my experience of fearfulness is not a final condemnation and an absolute, that I am not bound to and by fear -- and that I can experience, live and express myself as my best potential both for myself and for others as myself

Day 105: Identity Crisis: What's the Use?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 104: Identity Crisis: Am I Real or Am I the Product of Behavioural Conditioning?

In my previous blogpost I was looking at some points according to which I had defined myself, as particular likes and dislikes -- and then looking at whether these points are actually valid in terms of "defining me", as it turns out that they are purely contingent and dependent on one's environmental surroundings/upbringing.

I mentioned things like going out, music, books, etc. But there are other points one can look at.

For instance, I was born in Belgium, so that would make me a 'Belgian'. I was brought up within a catholic religious context, so that would make me a 'Catholic Christian'. I was brought up as someone's child, someone's daughter, someone's sibling -- which implies a specific relationship to the people in my family in contrast to everyone else in the world.

But what if I was born in let's say Israel, and was brought up within a Jewish religious context. Then, I'd be 'Jewish'. But again, is this of any value? Is this really real?

As a child, we absorb all the information from our surrounding and from that create a blueprint from which we further specify and develop a particular personality.

Depending on where you are born and within what context you were brought up within, your personality / self-identity will change. It's kind of strange, because I've established that these points are completely random, where 'who I am' as 'who I believe myself to be' is dependent on conditioning from my external environment -- and this 'who I am', changes according to one's environment. So I can't say that because I was born in Belgium, that I am 'a Belgian', as this is just an idea, something I can tell myself to be but has no particular value. Yet, we take points like this and believe that these points of self-identity have meaning and value.

In Belgium for instance, especially in de Flanders part of the country -- we don't like people from the Netherlands. We call them 'Cheeseheads' and other names. But I mean, they're only Dutch because they were born in the Netherlands, they didn't really have any say in it -- there was no 'free choice' or 'free will' involved. So it's not really justifiable to attack other people, just because they have a different nationality (which is the basis of the Flanders not liking the Dutch, it's not substantiated other than it being a point of separation based on nationality).

So we have all these ideas about ourselves, about 'who we are' and 'what we like' and what our 'place' is in the world -- and these ideas are in essence, illusionary. But have a look at what we do with these ideas: Because we believe that we are of 'this religion', we will go and attack other people because they are of 'that religion'. That's like, stupid. You could have been a member of the religious group you're attacking if you had been born there, so what is the point?

If we look at what Life currently revolves around, as playing out 'who we are' as a personality -- it's actually quite disturbing. Because "I like this and that" and I am "this type of person", I will only buy these brands, and only buy that type of music, and I will only get along with people who are compatible with the identity that I've constructed over the years. So then we get to a point where we have a society based on consumerism, where everyone buys shit according to 'what they like', and it's not even what they really "like", it's only what they BELIEVE they like based on all the various inputs received from the environment, originating from parents, school, friends, media, ... If you look at it, it's really INSANE, and this is just insanity playing out on a personal level.

On a global level, we have ideas going on of "I am of this nation" and "I am of that nation" and "my nation is better than yours and I am going to beat you economically". So you end up with a world, where countries are competing, dominating, warring, killing, abusing -- and for what? Based on what? Based on these stupid little ideas that we've created about ourselves when we were kids, which developed into ideas as 'who we believe ourselves to be'.

All these little ideas and beliefs we've created about ourselves, have no purpose whatsoever, but to perpetuate consumerism, competition, domination -- and so in the end: Inequality.

Because what are all these little ideas saying that we have about ourselves? From the small ideas that "I like this music" to the "big" ideas of "I am going to exploit your country, simply because I can and it will make MY people more prosperous" -- all of these ideas are saying: This is who I am, and I am NOT like you -- we are separate and who I am is the right way to be, it's the better way to be -- and I will do whatever in my power to make sure that I am alright, and I don't give a crap what happens to anyone else -- because after all YOU'RE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!!!

But here's the catch: We're not different. We are all human beings, we were all born into this world, we were all babies, children once. And as we were children, we absorbed information from our environment, and created ideas about ourselves. And while the ideas we have about ourselves may differ, we are in the end still exactly the same.

Check out the DIP Lite course, a free course where one can investigate the identity one has built up for oneself, and find out what is really real.

Related articles

• Day 104: Identity Crisis: Am I Real or Am I the Product of Behavioural Conditioning?
• Day 151: After Death Communication Research - Part 1
• Day 138: Waiting for the world to end before I can have purpose forgiveness statements