Day 182: A New Angle on Anger: Re-Defining Anger

I’ve written on Anger in the following posts:

Day 16: Anger and Me - Introduction
Day 17: Betrayal – Anger and Me – Part 2
Day 18: Angry at the World – Anger and Me – Part 3
Day 19 – Power-less – Anger and Me – Part 4
Day 20: Angry People – Anger and Me – Part 5

Old Definition:

I’ve lived anger / being angry in my life as merely an experience of displeasure within a framework of ‘justice’ – where I perceived some wrongdoing to have been done and get angry.

Dictionary Definition:

 an·ger                  [ang-ger]            
noun

1.            a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.

2.            Chiefly British Dialect . pain or smart, as of a sore.

3.            Obsolete . grief; trouble.

verb (used with object)

4.            to arouse anger or wrath in.

5.            Chiefly British Dialect . to cause to smart; inflame.

Playing with the Sound of the word:

Anger
Angle
Anchor
Angry
Angree
And Grieve
End Grief
And Give

Re-Defining Anger:

Looking at the construct of Anger I see there can be two Angles to see/live the word by, where in the one Angle of Anger one is Anchored by a point of Grievance where there is no space for mobility, no flexibility – just being stuck within a point of Grievance. Herein is also a form of Passivity because one is just Angry but there is no movement done to do anything about the Grievance. This is then an expression of Blame and Disempowering – where the more you participate within this form of Anger the deeper the Hooks of the Anchor dig themselves in keeping one stuck -- this is where Anger becomes dAnger when one is not a chAnger.

The second Angle of Anger I was looking at was from a starting point of Support –where Anger can be a point that Anchors you, keeps you from ‘floating away’ and Grounds one within Reminding what needs to Give in order to End All Grief. This is then an Active form of Anger and Self-Empowering as one places self as a chAnger. 

Related articles

• Day 163: Birthing ourselves as life, as a partnership Part 21 - Suppression.
• Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
• Day 145: From Reaction to Self-Reflection
• Day 178: Fail-You-Are - Redefining Failure
• Day 263 - Me Myself and Parrots.
• Day 150: How Dare you make me Feel Bad?

Day 76: Wanting to be Liked

When I was a small kid, we were spending our holiday in Spain and at some point we went to a restaurant to eat. While we were there (or previously in the car) my brother and sister taught me the word ‘fuck’ (but it was in Dutch). Well, they didn’t really *teach me*, they taught me how to pronounce it and that it was some sort of verb and other than that all I knew was that each time I said it, they would giggle and laugh a lot. So I was like cool, when I say this, they laugh so that must mean they like me.

Afterwards in the restaurant, I took salted peanuts out of the little bowls that they had on the bar, and I would go to random people saying “If you fuck me I will give you a peanut” – now remember I had NO idea what I was saying – all I knew was that my brother and sister were having a ball, so I felt encouraged to keep saying the word and go to people, thinking “yay, they like me!”.

Then when we were busy leaving the restaurant, just before we went into the car, my mom asked me what I was doing, and I showed her the peanuts in my hand like I had done previously and again said “if you fuck me I will give you a peanut” – and there my mom went into a complete shock , her face went all red, and she gave me a little tap/slap across the check saying “STOP THAT” – “DON’T SAY THAT AGAIN!!”. So now at this point, obviously, my brother and sister were having SO MUCH fun, laughing at what was going on, I was just saying to my mom “fuck me, fuck me fuck me” -- and would keep doing it just because my brother and sister were having such a laugh – without having any idea what, what I was saying meant or what it implied.


We would also watch the Simpsons at home, which was the original English version, with Dutch subtitles – though I couldn’t read yet back then and didn’t understand any English.

So we’d then be sitting in the lounge and watch the Simpsons, and I remember them sitting in the couch behind me while I was sitting closer to the tv on the wooden floor. Because I couldn’t read and couldn’t understand English yet, I was using my brother and sister as a reference for ‘what is funny’. Each time they would start laughing, I would quickly join in the laughter like “HAHAHAHAHA yea that’s funny” while I actually had no idea what was going on or why they were laughing. This was because I didn’t want to show that I didn’t knew what was going on because I looked up to my brother and sister because they could already read and understand humour. And I also wanted to make myself feel ‘a part’ of something, where I felt that ‘laughing together’ created some form of ‘bond’ or ‘connection’ because it’s something that “just happens” where different people just laugh at the same time.

Since I would always laugh with a little delay (bc I would only start laughing once I could hear them laugh) to what was happening on the tv and kind of do it in an exaggerated way to ‘cover up’ that I don’t know what’ – it must have been pretty clear to them that I was completely clueless. So then they would start playing this game where they would both start laughing at the same time during an episode, while nothing funny was happening and then obviously I would immediately go HAHAHAHAH YEA SO FUNNY!! -- and then I was busted, because I was laughing while there was nothing funny and then they would start laughing at me for having felt for their ‘bait’. There I mostly got angry and disappointed because I felt embarrassed and betrayed – like, “how could they do this to me? That is so mean! “ And then I’d become more hesitant to laugh when they were laughing because now I couldn’t be sure whether they meant it or just wanted to trick.

Then, yeeeaars later, we were staying over at one of our aunts, and we were watching the Simpsons on tv. My little nephew (or is it cousin? Not sure) was sitting close to the tv while I was sitting behind him on the couch, and as the Simpsons started, you know you have that little intro that is different each time and is supposed to be “funny” – I started to laugh REAL HARD while nothing funny was happening, and I saw my nephew/cousin quickly look back to me and then back to the tv and go HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and do a really exaggerated laugh. I’d then started “really” laughing and then he got what I did and his faced change to being all upset/grumpy. While he was doing to exaggerated laugh, I for a moment felt good, like “gotcha” – where I was now in the position where my brother and sister had been previously, and could experience this what I perceived as ‘superiorness’ – but then as I looked at my nephew/cousin and saw how his face changed, I suddenly felt sooooo ashamed and cheated – because I had just done unto him what had been done unto me, as something I really did not enjoy. And then I couldn’t handle my own uncomfortableness and went to hide by my mom while eating stuff to distract me from my experience.

So what I found interesting about these memories is how clear it is as a child what you are doing, where you know you are doing something deliberately for the sake of the ‘feel good’ experience as ‘validation’, where in this case I was looking at ‘laughter’ as a point of personal validation as if that meant people liked me. Where I was willing to do whatever to make people like me – and then also how within perceiving myself as ‘not being liked’ – go into the nastiness/spitefulness of making another feel the same way.

Some interesting stuff to work with here – Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to Follow

Related articles

• Day 59: What are you Laughing at?
• Day 17: Betrayal - Anger and Me - Part 2
• Day 67: You can HEAR me?!
• Day 13 - Fear of Failure - Anxiety and Me - Part 3
• Day 57: Sound of Laughter

Day 70: Fear of Others as Myself

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 24: Life as a CharActor
Day 65: Fear of Sharing 

In my previously blog, I started writing out Self Forgiveness, because I had a particular experience and couldn’t really place it – and so wanted to just to some Self Forgiveness to see where it would take me. This blog is a continuation, where the point afterwards opened up.

A memory popped up yesterday after writing my blog, well, not a memory per se but more of a conglomeration of memories which all focused on the same point. I was basically looking at all the friendships I’ve had during my life and how I never really ‘tied’ myself with these people. Whenever something would get ‘off’ or ‘ugly’ in our friendships, I’d just back off and that was it. I didn’t like how things were going so I would stop talking to them, going out with them and then after a while they’d just be strangers to me. It wasn’t ‘immediate’ meaning, I would still talk to them but less and less and I would stop going out with them to do stuff and then one day these things would then accumulate to us no longer being friends.

And I can remember a lot of the moments with specific friends where they were doing something / acting in a particular way , showing a side of themselves that they’d never shown before and I would go “Woah, what the hell is this?” and within that moment, immediately make the decision to ‘back off’ like “Okay, I’m done here” and that was that. I also never created any emotional bonds with any of the people/friends I hung out with. When we’d be together and do stuff we’d have fun but when I was not with them I couldn’t care less about them. And if after ‘breaking up’ they would come around and be all emotional about us not being friends anymore I’d just kind of shrug my shoulders and move on. During my friendships I would also not really bother to do anything to ‘maintain’ our friendships. If they didn’t call me or ask me to do stuff, then it wouldn’t happen. I saw a lot of my friends being very engaged in their friendships and doing things together and always calling / sharing stuff and I thought it was too much of a hassle. I liked being by myself and would for instance rather read a book at home then go out with friends, I liked my ‘me ‘ time lol.

All throughout my life I kind of jumped from one friendship to another, where each time when a nasty side was revealed, I backed off and found someone else, until they showed a nasty side, and then I would jump again. If I look at my friendships/relationships throughout my life, I never had a real, intimate, deep, long lasting relationship with anyone.

In a way it was cool in terms that I wasn’t “tied” to anyone and have always been able to move on quite fine without having to deal with any emotional garbage, yet at the same time I now also see it as a pity because I never really developed any intimate relationships which could have actually been cool.

If I look at it now, even the points where the friends would show a ‘nasty’ side or something I didn’t like – I still see it as reflecting back to the intimacy point, where instead of talking to them and sorting the point out, I rather did nothing and just remove myself, because I saw this point of opening up about whatever I saw, as a point of intimacy, and I just didn’t want to go there. It’s almost like, any point where any of my relationships would become ‘real’ – where a point opens up such as nastiness, if I were to address this point, then I would be admitting to myself that my relationship with this person is real, and within that – that the person is real! And the moment the person is real, in terms of being just like me – that’s some serious shit. Because if my friend is ‘real’ just like me, and goes through stuff just like me, then this implies a point of responsibility to be there for them. And then the question arises: Can I do that? Do I even want to do that? And so far, this answer has always been No, where I don’t want to address a point which would require addressing if I were to remain their friend, and where I don’t want to open myself up because of fear and lack of confidence and where I don’t want to get intimate with people because I fear I will get ‘sucked in’ – where this “sucked in” is just my interpretation of seeing that point of responsibility and not wanting to commit myself to develop an actual relationship with another as myself.

To be continued...

Related articles

• Day 69: Fear of Sharing - Part 2
• Day 66: Valuing my Inner Space
• Day 68: My Mind, My Saviour
• Day 64: Holding on to Myself
• How Thoughts Activate Personalities - Part 1: DAY 123
• Character Resonance Evolution - Part 2: DAY 126
• Trust your Inner Voice - Part 2: DAY 118

Day 34: Fear of Speaking - The End

When and as I want to say something to someone and see myself going into fear within accessing memories of the past -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely accessing and recycling memories from the past and thus not being here, where I am attempting to impose past experiences as memories unto the current moment and within that altering/modifying the present moment into something which it is not -- and so I commit myself to within those moments take a deep breath and simply speak, and to break the pattern of the past through me being here

When and as I see myself going into fear when wanting to say something which is against the grain of what another just said / did -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise how I have created this fear and realise that I do not have to be in fear, since I have seen and realised for myself how this construct works and how it does not serve -- thus I stop and I speak

When and as I see myself going into fear of becoming emotional -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that within fearing becoming emotional, I am in fact stating that I am not the directive principle and that I am a victim of my emotions -- and so I stop this fear and trust myself as the directive principle and I commit myself to unconditionally be here and walk through the event

When and as I see myself going into the 'Fear of Speaking Character' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that within participating in the 'Fear of Speaking Character' I am being untrue to myself and diminishing myself little by little -- revealing to myself how little self-worth and self-respect I have for myself -- and since this is something I do not want for myself, I stop and I speak

When and as I see myself being disappointed with myself for having accessed and played out the 'Fear of Speaking Character' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have built/created this character over time, memory by memory -- and thus it is going to take an equal process of deconstruction - removing the layers of information as memories and practically living the correction over and over again until I have re-aligned the Fear of Speaking Character as myself to what is Best for All Life

When and as I see myself going into the fear of 'what if the person is gonna come back at me' when wanting to speak -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that if I give in to this fear I am only ever going to remain a limited version of myself which will always give into fear and never give herself a break, and since this is something I do not want to live I commit myself to breathe through the fear and speak unconditionally no matter the reaction / outcome / response of the other person -- because no matter what they say, at least I know I have been true to myself within allowing myself to speak

When and as I see myself accessing ideas about how conversations are supposed to go and what I should be like -- I stop and I breathe, I see and realise that I am limiting myself within wanting to act according to how I think things *should be* -- where if I see myself being unable to attain this particular idea, I hold back -- within that I commit myself to let go of all preconceived ideas of how things should be and should go and commit myself to unconditionally walk through an event without fearing the outcome

When and as I see myself accessing the fear of being embarrassed -- I stop and I breath -- I see and realise that the fear of embarrassment merely indicates that I am facing a point which I have not yet embraced as myself, and so I commit myself to unconditionally walk through the point / event and within doing so embrace the point of embarrassment and see / realise that I am the creator of the embarrassment and there is nothing to be embarrassed about

When and as I see myself pointing fingers to another as if they are the reason / cause of my inner experience -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am deflecting taking self-responsibility and so I stop and direct myself as my inner experience and take responsibility for my own creation

I commit myself to purify my vocabulary to one that is Best for All and within purifying my vocabulary purifying myself to live words that are best for all

When and as I see myself reaching for the past as memories to tell me what to do -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that by relying on the past as memories to tell me what to do I am never going to get anywhere as I am only recycling the past into the present -- Instead I commit myself to breath and trust myself to direct myself within common sense practicality

When and as I see myself judging myself as a child for not being able to respond to a particular situation -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I had not been given / taught practical tools on how to deal with any and all situations where emotional possession is one of them -- and so there is no point in judging myself as within judging myself I am only further limiting myself and keeping myself from expanding and learning from my mistakes

When and as I see myself taking it personal when a person reacts emotionally to something I said or did -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that the other person's reaction is created by them and has got nothing to do with me / who I am, and that I merely functioned as a trigger within that moment which brought up to the surface something which was already existent within them before I opened my mouth / did something

I commit myself to establish a Society which understands the role the Mind plays and how the Mind functions -- where the functioning of the Mind is part of basic education so that children may be taught how their own mind and that of others works so they can see for themselves what happens when someone gets emotionally possessed, can see how it happened and see that it is not their fault

I commit myself to expose how children currently are only taught garbage and no practical Life skills whatsoever which they can use and apply every day in their Life to assist and support themselves -- and where any point of emotional stability only gets addressed with medication to be suppressed and so the root / cause never gets investigated / discovered / discussed -- where we end up in a world where no human really knows how they function and find themselves as victims to their own mind unable to take self-responsibility

When and as I see myself holding back on saying something within accessing the fear of 'how is this going to influence their opinion of me?' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this attitude does not serve me or anyone else, as I've seen / realised / understood that not speaking for the sake of maintaining someone's opinion of me is a permission to abuse -- and since I do not want to stand for abuse I will not stand for not speaking for the sake of 'being liked' -- and so I commit myself to walk through the fear and simply speak as I know that if I don't I will regret it anyway and be disappointed with myself -- and within that create that exactly which I feared, which is someone not liking me -- and that person is ME

When and as I see myself wanting to let something potentially harmful go by unnoticed, because I fear that if I will speak that the person involved might not like me anymore -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this thinking pattern is completely unacceptable and that me allowing abuse for the sake of me maintaining my 'image' is completely ludicrous, as I am allowing something REAL to get damaged for the sake of up keeping an ILLUSION which only exists in my head

I commit myself to investigate and expose the consequences of the politics/popularity game – where people and beings get hurt as a result/consequence of someone’s popularity game within ‘wanting to be liked’ – where we will allow abuse for the sake of people liking us while this should be of no value whatsoever because what is the point of being liked by people who abuse / allow abuse anyway?

I commit myself to investigate the nature of ‘wanting to be liked’ within myself unconditionally as I see that this is not only self-destructive but destructive to the environment as a whole and within that I commit myself to restructure my values and priorities to always respect and maintain what is Best for All Life instead of only caring about what’s best for my own created personal illusion

Day 28: Ticks and Tick Bite Fever – Part 3

When and as I hear horror stories / see scary movie scenes and react to them within fear – I stop and I breathe – I commit myself to investigate why I am allowing myself to be imprinted with fear and untangle these points within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I am faced with points of potential ‘danger’ and react within fear – I stop and I breathe – I look at what it is that I can do practically, as a common sense point of prevention as to not create any unnecessary consequence for myself, apply these points and then let go of the point of danger --- as I have seen/realised/understood/walked the point that pre-occupying oneself with fear is only worsening/limiting the situation for self and does not have any practical contribution to the problem – and so I let go, breathe and walk Here, in every moment of breath

When and as I see myself reaching for fear as a protection mechanism – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that reaching out to an experience of fear is like locking yourself up in your personal jail in the hope that nothing will happen to you / that you’re safe from the ‘outside world’ – but now within the fear of something happening, you’ve already trapped yourself – and so your own fear is really your own worst enemy – and thus I commit myself to investigate all patterns where I tend to reach for fear as a protection mechanism, write it out , let go and correct myself

When and as I see myself changing/altering my behaviour towards something or someone in my environment after having received a ‘new piece of information’ – I stop and I breathe – I see/realise/understand that I now have created a new relationship / new character in relation to the thing/being where I added my own layer/dimension– and started participating with them/it through this layer instead of participating with them actually, direct – and thus I commit myself to investigate my relationship with all beings, people, objects and remove all the illusionary layers and characters which I have created throughout my life based on memory as stored information – so I can finally allow myself to participate within this physical world for real, and let go of my own ‘personal/customized’ “version” of reality – which was never real

When and as I see myself reacting within fear when having to make a decision – I stop and I breathe – I look at all the points within common sense and make a decision within the moment – and if I find myself unable to consider all points effectively because of fear possession, I get someone else involved to cross-reference the information to make sure that I do not make stupid decisions, and in fact consider all the points/dimensions involved

I commit myself to not make my Life on Earth more unpleasant than it has to be – by committing myself to stop all Back Chat and remove all Characters which I’ve created/accumulated over the years – so I may finally be here, as this physical reality and find out how things work for real

Day 18: Angry at the World – Anger and Me – Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the world for being dishonest

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am part of this world and dishonest to the same extent – and that through being angry at the world I am actually being angry at myself as the world is merely a reflection of who I / we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become within our dishonesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the world – without seeing and realising that this is self-righteous and self-absorbed as one is pointing fingers while not doing anything about the issue at hand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the money system – without seeing and realising that the money system is a reflection of who we are as the human race and our indulgence in the accumulation of energy as experience at the cost of Life on Earth as the Physical – where I form part of this human race and thus am equally responsible for our current money system and the state of the world

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that anger is in fact dishonest – where the experience and participation in anger indicates a point of self-dishonesty where one is blaming an external point / factor within one’s world – without seeing and realising that self is responsible for the existence of this point and is thus through anger actually making a statement of separation and that self will not get his/her hands dirty – the point must just fix itself!

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am as much part of the problem as of the solution

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that anger without taking responsibility will only lead to more anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate anger through doing nothing instead of using and directing anger as myself to move myself to change that which I am angry about within the world and myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I will remain angry if I remain passive

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I will only get more angry at myself if I don’t fully commit myself to changing the world and myself as the world

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise – that through participating within anger at something or someone outside of myself – I am in fact giving my power away and left with no directive principle – as I am stating that “I am not the creator” and thus am left with no power to change or direct the point – whereas if I see / realise / understand that I am in fact responsible for the existence of the particular point – I see/realise/understand that I am the creator – and thus gift myself / embrace the power to change the point – instead of being angry and getting nowhere at all

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that through being angry at something outside of myself  and not doing anything about it – I am in fact feeding and supporting that very manifestation which I despise – and thus in fact despise myself for not doing anything about it

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have confused anger with ‘rebellion’, ‘rejection’  and ‘refusal’ – instead of seeing and realising that anger is the expression of acceptance and allowance within the abdication of self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress anger within and as me – instead of making the decision of forgiving myself for experiencing/participating within anger and taking the necessary self-corrective steps to ensure its non-reoccurrence

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have only participated within anger from the starting point of disempowerment – instead of using and directing anger as me as the driving force/passion to change this world/me to what is Best for All, once and for All


When and as I see myself experiencing/participating within anger – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this anger I am experiencing as myself is indicating to me that I have not yet taken full responsibility within myself and my world – I thus identify the origin of the anger within myself, forgive myself and apply self-corrective statements and actions as an act of self-responsibility and commitment to change

When and I see myself experiencing/participating within anger – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am in fact disempowering myself and abdicating my power to change what it is that I would like to see changed – and thus I commit myself to taking self-responsibility within the realisation/understanding that I am in fact the creator – and remind myself that anger within itself will bring about as much change as positive thinking = nada

When and as I see myself experiencing/participating within anger – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is an opportunity for me to see where I am still allowing myself to be dishonest within myself and my world – and I commit myself to take responsibility for this point of self-dishonesty and change myself / the world within the context of Self-Honesty and what is Best for All Life