Leila's Journey to Life: apathy

Showing posts with label apathy. Show all posts

Monday, 13 May 2013

Day 202: Personalizing Bad Grades

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 199: Exam Nightmares
Day 200: I Don't Do Bad Grades
Day 201: Classmates or Competitors?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access fear of failure whenever I am studying within accessing the 'race'/'competition'-point, where I fear for myself and my future just thinking of the possibility of bad grades

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected 'the end of my future' / 'the end of the world' to 'bad grades' within an emotional attachment of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created and attached an emotional attachment/layer to 'bad grades' as in 'grades just above passing' or 'failing grades' -- wherein I react to it in fear and despair instead of practically analyzing what feedback these grades give me and how I can change/adapt things to 'improve' them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected 'failure' to 'bad grades' where I believe that only 'failures' do 'bad grades' and that 'bad grades' is a bad omen for 'future failures' / ensures 'future failure'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take bad grades personal, where instead of practically looking at how I got to have bad grades, I am worried about my image and reputation, whereby now I don't only fear 'the end of the world' as my 'future being in jeopardy' but also the 'end of my image' and 'end of my reputation' -- where I believe I have to keep my bad grades hidden/ a secret so that no-one can find out that I don't match the image/reputation I try to uphold

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this has got nothing to do about 'others' but only myself -- where I am the one investing energy and placing value in the idea of 'not having bad grades' -- where I may just as well not invest energy and value into the idea resulting in me not having issues with bad grades, and simply working through the necessary steps/procedures to correct this point -- within this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is my emotional attachment / view of grades that is keeping me /hindering me from practically working through the correction of improving myself, as I am being blindsided by emotional outbursts, preventing me from seeing to the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so invested in a miniscule point like grades, where my whole being will shake if I see the sight of bad grades -- but where if I later that day see the news with people being bombed I will feel nothing in comparison -- indicating to me how our value systems have become completely warped and have lost all perspective about what really matters

Sunday, 3 March 2013

Day 191: Giving up on Myself - My Life is so Rough (Part 2)

This blog is a continuation to:

Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome - See more at: http://ylaww.blogspot.com/#sthash.7NZ6qAAj.dpuf

Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had a 'rough life' and that doing something which would benefit others besides myself was considered to just be 'too much'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had a 'rough life'-- not seeing and realising that this 'roughness' was only ever relevant in terms of my mind experience of my life -- and had in no way to do with any form of 'physical roughness'- as I had everything in my life (and more) which I required to support myself physically

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that mental roughness does not count as it is self-created and can at any time be terminated and is thus no valid reason/excuse/justification to not do something physical which actually supports physical living on this planet

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I had no right to say 'no' and 'let someone else do it' -- as I was in a position where I could do things to improve practical living, even if it was just in the home environment -- but where I accepted and allowed ideas about 'my life' which were not real to hold me back from doing something real and tangible which would actually have an actual effect in improving things in my environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I had a rough life while everything was taken care of, where I had a home, food, and support from my parents to ensure that I would be able to stand in the world and were quite generous in the freedom they permitted to me in 'doing my own thing' and what directions I wanted to take in life and then did not want to contribute in the home environment to make things more nice to live in terms of cleanliness and alleviating work from others because I was too busy in my mind thinking of how things weren't going my way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have huffed and puffed whenever my mom would ask me to help out with something, where I believed it was 'my right' to just lay in the couch and watch tv -- not seeing and realising that this luxury was only possible to exist within others actually having a rough life where these products came about from assembly lines with people having horrible jobs with little pay and did not have the privilege of saying 'no' and 'let someone else do it' as this would jeopardize their and their family's security -- just so a few can make a good buck in selling these products cheaply for others who believe they have a rough life and want a 'piece of happiness'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise that for certain things to be possible like the ease of taking a clean cup from the cupboard -- certain conditions and steps require to be in place for that cup to be clean and be in its spot -- where someone had to clean the cup and put it there for me to be able to 'just take it' and use it and where I enjoyed this option but did not care/bother to make it happen the same for others and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want everything 'free' in life -- where I want to be able to just take the cup and use it with no consequence, 'free of charge' so to speak, where once there is effort/'charge' involved, I'm no longer interested because now I have to 'do stuff' and now 'just taking the cup out of the cupboard' is not so nice anymore because I have to actually be part of the cleaning and putting away process so then I rather not use the cup at all or come up with some excuse that will allow me to keep getting it 'for free'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken my life and what I had/have and the people in my life for granted -- where I did not take into consideration that someone had to build the couch and the tv, that someone had to work to be able to pay for the couch and the tv, and where I had no respect for the end result or the people involved in the process of making the couch/tv accessible to me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if everyone just wants to do nothing but at the same time wants everything from life -- that these two stand points are simply not compatible, because having things in life like food, a home and luxury products requires of someone to make it, to put effort into it -- and thus if I want those things I must make myself equally available to others so they can have the same -- which I didn't because all I cared about was myself and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have only ever lived within and as self interest

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that i had not yet experienced actual roughness in life but only ever experienced my idea of it -- where I rather indulged in an experience of 'oh no, its too much' while comfortably being zoned out on the couch while others on this planet have no such choice and have to bear harsh physical conditions just to make it another day and would be happy to give up everything to be able to live my life and have barely any responsibilities to take care of in life

Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome - See more at: http://ylaww.blogspot.com/#sthash.7NZ6qAAj.dpuf

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome

The other day while working outside in the nursery I was listening to some Life Reviews, one of them being 'Giving up on Myself'. The interview explores the concept of 'giving up on self' in terms of 'giving yourself up' for something else.

The being describes how we will have resistance doing something which requires us to for a moment disregard ourselves - ourselves as self-interest - to bring about a point of change, which is basically what is happening all around the world: Where 'those who can make a change don't and where those who want can't'.

I looked at my life and how I used to experience this point of "No, I can't do something other than for myself, that's just toooo haaard - I have the right to be comfortable, disregarding myself like that is just too inconvenient, I'm sorry'.

At home we had a dishwasher, and once in a while my mom would ask me, my sister or my brother to take out the dishes (which were mostly already dry) and place them in the right spots in the cupboards. Usually my mom would do this, so only once in a while she would ask us to do this. I remember my mom would ask me after I had gotten back from school, and 'just wanted to do nothing but lay in the couch and watch tv'. She's ask me to put the dishes
away and I'b be like 'Uh - seriously? Why do I have to do this? I had SUCH a rough day - why can't you or someone else do it'.

I mean, it was literally just moving a few object from one point to another, not even one meter away - and I would be like 'Hmm, no no'. And sometimes I'd even get away with it and my mom would then do it. I was completely inconsiderate and lazy. My mother would go to work, come home, cook, do cleaning, do our laundry, iron our clothes -- for most of our lives (for as long as I lived at home) -- and I had the arrogance of protesting when she would ask me to help out and the arrogance of bitching at her when I wouldn't put away my clean clothes which she washed and ironed 'like it was no big deal'. Her whole life revolved around her kids and work and I would barely hear her complain.

Getting involved in Desteni and visiting the Desteni Farm, I learn what a comfortable, secure, isolated life I had been living which demanded zero consideration or responsibility. I had everything I needed and so I didn't bother doing anything. I learnt what it means to live in a group, why it matters to clean up after yourself and to consider others in your environment -- after all, I wouldn't want to be like my mom doing everyone's 'dirty jobs'-- and for that to be possible, everyone has to work together and daily, consistently tend to the chores that need to be done so that it doesn't accumulate into a massive task. I had lived in such a comfortable bubble and being faced with Desteni that bubble got popped -- I had been living a lie, a comfortable one maybe -- but at the expense of others. Not only did this happen in my home environment at a micro scale, but also on a macro scale -- where my elitist lifestyle could only be sustained by beings on the other side of the world cleaning up the consequences of the life I lived, while they have to do with barely anything.

I remember being back home after my initial two month visit, and my parents were flabbergasted at how my sister and me would now spontaneously help out with the chores at home. I remember the first thing we did was something simple like helping them get the shopping out of the car down the street, bring it inside and putting all the stuff away -- and they were just standing there in the door opening with the bags in their hands going 'Whhhut?' LOL

I mean, it's such a simple point, a small point of consideration and yet previously this had seemed to me like this mountainous burden, where the mere thought of doing something like that would make me already tired. On the farm, there is no space for such an attitude of apathy. You are part of a group, not only humans but also animals and plants -- and certain things require to be done in order to function effectively as a group as well as tending to the animals and plants so we can have a relationship of harmony. So, common sensically, you being part of that = you help out, everyone does their part.

And I mean -- and I'm sure many people who've visited the farm can agree -- what we have on the farm and how we live/go about our day is pretty awesome. Yes, there's work to be done but you end up going through an educational process where you learn how to live effectively and can be satisfied that all points have been taken care/been tended to and that all measures of prevention have been taken. Previously, I would not have gone there and for what -- my own self-interest, and the life I didn't want to 'give up'. But, there was actually nothing to be given up! I was deeply dissatisfied with my life from a mental well-being perspective and on top of that was that life contributing to the diminishment of other people's physical well-being, within living an elitist life that could only be possible when others are deprived of resources in order to fund mine.

So what are you really giving up when you make the decision to stand for a world that's best for all and where you no longer think of only yourself = less than nothing! Because it was all a lie, it was all an illusion. So don't wait for your bubble to be popped -- pop it yourself, because in the meantime real people are ACTUALLY suffering and living in unbearable condition which would give ALL to bring about some change in this world (in comparison of the so called 'suffering' as 'inconvenience' one experience when doing something for something other than just yourself).

Check out the DIP Lite course to investigate what your bubble consists of and how you can move yourself past your illusionary bubble of convenience to actually bring about change in this world.

Pages