Day 168: Always Just out of Reach

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection 
Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia

Day 167: The Big Fall

 

At some point during my ED period – I came to a point where I was quite satisfied with my weight and how I looked.

We had this one door in our house by the kitchen which had a big dark glass piece in it, and so was kind of half like a mirror. I remember standing in front of it the one day and going ‘Woah, this is it’.

And then I smiled.

And as I stared at my reflection I got sad – really sad.

It was a point of ‘now what’. I had worked myself all the way to this point and got what I wanted and now what. I thought I would be happy, which I had been for a moment – but all in all, my life still sucked – nothing had really changed. My body had changed, my picture presentation had changed but so what? It’s not really anything substantial in terms of having an actual change in your life, it’s one dimension, it’s just one tiny spec.

For all this time I had focussed on only this one point that I had not looked at any other dimension/part of my life and the world I lived in. And now that that one point was ‘satisfied’ so to speak, it fell away – and my whole world came crashing down on me.

Fuck. I was still not happy, I still did not have a life that I could go ‘yes, this is what I want, this is what I am satisfied with’. It felt like it had all been for nothing.

So then I did an interesting thing. I was quite emotional so then I went through a little binging patch and within that ‘set myself back’, distancing myself from my goal once more.

You see, the whole Eating Disorder only works as long as what you are trying to achieve is ‘out there’, as long as it’s always that one step, that one corner away – always just outside of your reach. Because the moment you are there and you got what you want, you realise it’s not really what you wanted and you’re still fucked. It’s whole design is based on unattainability. If you set a goal that is reachable, then you’re screwed because you’re going to get to a point that you’re done and now you have to go do something else with your life.

I mean, it’s such a clever game.

Now that I had set myself back, I had something to focus and obsess about once more, and this time I set the bar higher and further. It’s like you literally plunge and drown yourself into this one little dimension of your life, as if that is what it’s all about – so that you have the perfect excuse not to look at any other part of your life, let alone the world! Because as long as you’re still changing this one point as attaining the ultimate weight/image – well, you can’t really move on to the next point now can you?

So then you end up with this whole dynamic of pushing yourself, and driving yourself to get forward – and then the moment you get close you deliberately sabotage yourself so that you get setback and can continue playing this sick little game.

It’s such a trap, being locked up in your own little demon dimension inside your mind, repeating the same point over and over and over again.

Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from passion and purpose in Life – where I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must go and find something outside of myself that I can add / attach to me, to be able to get a purpose and passion in Life, instead of seeing and realising that the drive as passion, as a purpose comes from within me, and is a matter of making a decision within myself – rather than finding the ‘one thing’ that will trigger an experience of purpose/passion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have looked/sought for passion and purpose as an energetic experience one can attain, instead of seeing and realising that passion and purpose does not exist within the realm of ‘experience’ but is a decision one makes within oneself, to be engaged, to be driven and that no-one or nothing can ‘give’ this to self, only self can gift passion and purpose to self

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have seen myself as incapable of passion and purpose, where I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘this is not for me’, that ‘passion and purpose is for other people’ – not seeing and realising that I had interpreted passion and purpose almost as if it was a genetic characteristic which allowed some people to experience themselves this way, while others were ‘less lucky’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘look out there’ to find something to be passionate and purposeful about – instead of looking at what is here as myself, to be passionate and purposeful about myself as a being as who I am, and to get to know myself passionately, intimately so that I may support myself in becoming the best possible version of myself and to within that, prepare the way to stand/live as an example so that we may change the world to become the best possible version it can be

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to embrace passion and purpose as myself, where I interpreted and perceived passion and purpose to be an experience outside of myself – instead of seeing and realising that passion and purpose are not experiences, but applications and so I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have considered applying passion and purpose in my life as myself, as a living expression – as a statement of who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have mistaken obsession with passion and purpose – where I believed that the nature of obsession as being part of one’s every day moment as always being there, present – was what passion and purpose is about – not seeing and realising that obsession is about being controlled while passion and purpose is about being in control as being the directive principle in one’s life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, within the belief that I am incapable of passion and purpose, have gone into the complete opposite polarity point as obsession, where I put myself in a position of constant and continuous mind pre-occupation, and believed this to be passion and purpose, while all I was doing was further confirm and integrate the belief that I am incapable of self-movement, as the nature of obsession being one of extreme limitation and rigidity

 

Day 125: I am the Centre of the Universe!

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 123: An Innocent Sigh?
Day 124: *Sigh* - a Sound says More than a Thousand Words

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that within complaining audibly as sighing very loudly, I am stating that I am at the centre of the universe and that everything revolves around me -- where if things don't work out for me it is not up to me to change -- it's up to everything and everyone else to change and adapt to how I want things to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since I am only aware of myself and what goes on inside me (and even that, only to a VERY limited extent) and am not able to experience what everyone else / everything else is experiencing -- that my existence is the only one that matters so that when things are not going the way I want them, I get upset because I am only concerned with my existence, my reality within the belief that only I matter

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that since I am only aware of myself, that only I matter -- where I do not even try and attempt to put myself in other people's shoes -- because that would mean having to move out of my comfort zone as all I know and all I care about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since I have experiences, and can only experience me and nothing else -- that this means that I am special -- not seeing and realising that it is all quite in reverse, where me only being able to experience and be aware of myself only indicate my level of irrelevance as I have accepted and allowed myself to be separated from everything and everyone in existence to such an extent that I am in fact rejected by the whole but instead of acknowledging this, will give my situation a 'positive twist' and make something 'special' out of it as to not face the reality/truth of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since I am only aware of myself and no-one else -- that only my happiness matters because I am not able to experience other people's happiness or suffering -- so why should I bother do something about them if I don't receive any gains?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life and existence is all about having nice, positive experiences -- which then creates situations where I get upset and sigh / manipulate myself into a 'down mood' when faced with a simple point such as the internet being slow, where I perceive the internet as being slow as infringing on my right to happiness and should adjust/change IMMEDIATELY, where I perceive how the internet is behaving to be UNACCEPTABLE and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise the arrogance of such actions where many people suffer real damages as for instance being physically starved through my acceptances and allowances within the starting point of self-interest and do not care to change my behaviour as the result of who I am IMMEDIATELY, while expecting others to change right here, right now to be able to achieve a 'peace of mind' and move away from the illusionary damage I experience within and as my mind

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my actions as sighing and getting upset about 'things not going my way' is indicative to my values as this reveals what I care to spend my energy on as 'getting upset' to something like the internet being slow -- while being completely apathetic to the real relevant suffering of others and will make-up whatever excuses and justifications as to not have to spend time and energy on improving the life of everyone but only care about my own personal comfort of mind -- revealing to me what I have accepted and allowed myself to become within the name of Self Interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I once in a while will feel bad for another or react to for instance animal abuse -- that this means that 'I am a good person' -- not seeing and realising that these reactions only happen ever so often and are minute compared to what preoccupies me most of the time as thoughts/feelings and emotions which relate only to the regard of my own self-interest

“If God Wanted Us To Live Together In Harmony, He’d Made Us Look All The Same”

And God Created different Races...

I started reading the True Blood books not so long ago, and after having read for a while I decide that I also wanted to re-watch the previous seasons.

At some point in the first season Sookie (who can read other’s minds / hear thoughts), is busy waitressing at Merlotte’s and for a moment in the scene they show the various thoughts people are having at the bar.
One of those people is a man sitting by the bar having a beer. One of his thoughts goes something like this: “This isn’t right, all these people living together like they belong. Whites, blacks, vampires… If God wanted us to live together in harmony, he would have made us look all the same.”

And in that moment while I was watching that scene, what he was saying made sense and I agreed with his statement. Though – there are two ways one can look at his statement.

It is one thing to observe that “God” had made us in a particular design and ‘obey’ / ‘conform’ to this design and another to observe design “God” gave us and question its intentions.

Firstly, you could look at it the way the character in the story does: “God did not make us look all the same, thus – we should not be living together in harmony, it’s not right”.
And secondly you could look at the statement by investigating God’s role more closely: “If God wanted us to live together in harmony, he would have made us look all the same – so why didn’t he?”

So why didn’t God make us look all the same? Why did God make us look different, have different skin colours, speak different languages, have different religions, different cultures? What are “God’s” intentions really?

Because looking at the design and outflow of things, his intentions are revealing themselves to be quite questionable. I can only find one reason why God would have made us look all different – and that is that he is deliberately attempting to breed disarray. And why would he want to do that? Well, if I place myself in the shoes of God as someone who is deliberately trying to create chaos and conflict within the world, where entire Genocides manifest because of this singular point – and who is very much aware of the consequence as I, as God am omniscient and know the beginning and end of things – well then…I must be evil. It’s that plain and simple.

Being aware of this one point, seeing and realising that this singular point in existence is questionable in terms of God’s intentions and plans for existence – doesn’t it make you kind of wonder about everything else in the world? If God was being an asshole in this one point, what would keep him from screwing with Life on Earth in any other area? Then if you start looking at other facets of our reality you can really spot God’s great enthusiasm for screwing things up to the ultimate point of dysfunctionality and ruin: poverty, war, disease, pollution, scarcity, starvation, extinction – the list goes on.

The question that arises is whether we will sit back and allow this existence to be as is – as God intended it to be --  Or whether we will stand up and take responsibility for ourselves and our fellow beings on Earth and transform this planet to a place where all can live in harmony in fact.

Equal Money is the first step – investigate: www.equalmoney.org