Day 179: You Reap what You Sow

This blog is part of my Eating Disorder Series that I am walking, and specifically in continuation to: Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within an Eating Disorder thinking and believing that participating within it would only affect me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider how my participation within generating/developing and maintaining an Eating Disorder may influence others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been shocked and surprised when I saw some of my friends follow into my footsteps – where they had seen the change within me and followed foot in the pursuit of losing weight – where an event like this needed to happen to give me a wake-up call and re-evaluate what I am doing at the cost of others

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise how I was feeding into the same cycle that contributed to me developing an Eating Disorder and where I was now the one triggering / feeding in to others developing Eating Disorders

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated within self-destructive behaviour and within doing so directly supported self-destructive behaviour within others – even if it hadn’t been my intention to do so – it had been implied by my actions as my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I could not expect others to not do as I was doing – after all I was doing it so it would be hypocritical to not want others to do the same

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have simply swallowed “the bitter truth” as seeing my friends go down the same path where I secretly within myself “wished them luck” on the road down the rabbit hole – where I saw that the only way I would be able to correct this is if I stop and correct myself and get them out of this mindfuck before it got worse - but was not willing to give my Eating Disorder up and within that left my friends to their own devices

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not stopped myself and not have stopped my friends from participating within self-destructive behaviour such as ED because I was too scared to give it up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made the deliberate decisions to not step in and prevent harm from being done unto my friends by themselves because I was not yet willing to give up my own self-harm as I believed that ED was all there was to my life and if I give this up now I will be left with nothing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to overrule common sense where I let fear get the better of me and not intervene where I saw I could within preventing my friends from generating an eating disorder

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have taken self-responsibility for my actions and the consequences which arose out of them where I did not do anything when my friends starting dabbling with Eating Disorder behaviour because I was too scared to stop myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seized the moment I saw I should speak and tell my friends to stop and not go down that road and explain the exact nature of what it is they’re about to get themselves into and within that make the decision to stop myself and correct myself right then and there and stand as a proper example

Day 108: Compromising Over Fear

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 106: Regret
Day 107: Showing my True Colours

When and as I see myself in a situation where something requires direction and then imagine myself what I would have to do to give it direction and within that react within fear towards the steps involved, and allow this fear to direct me where I 'walk away' from doing what requires to be done from the starting point of fear of facing my fear -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that these fear points are not valid reasons as to why I should not do what needs to be done, and so I commit myself to not allow myself to let fear direct me but commit myself to stand as the directive principle and move myself to act according to principle instead of experience

When and as I see myself in a situation where something needs to be done, and see that there may be certain 'complications' as per my interpretation of things -- and then allow my fear of moving through those points be part of the decision-making equation -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that these fear factors do not belong in a decision-making equation that concerns what is best for all life, as I have seen, realised and understood that emotions and feelings open a door to compromise and abuse within making decisions, and so I commit myself to reassess my priorities and remove the fear factors from the equation and work with what is actually relevant

When and as I see myself in a situation where something requires to be done, but have 'reservations' about this -- where I hesitate and doubt whether I should or shouldn't give it direction, and where I will look at how intense my fear is and how much I care about requires to be done -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am working with a dysfunctional value system within myself, where I am valuing self-limitation as fear more than doing what is best for all life -- where I rather hold on to my limited existence of non-change than walking out of my comfort zone and do something real

When and as I see myself in a situation where something requires to be done, and weigh out my fears in relation to the steps I have to take and compare it to the weight of 'how much I care' about what needs to be done -- where this doesn't even necessarily carry any energetic charge, as it's just a seeing that it requires to be done -- and then decide that because my fear is so intense that I should side with that and then walk away and feel a constriction in my chest knowing that I am cheating myself and being a coward by walking away from what needs to be done out of fear of walking through change -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this experience is here for a reason, and that if my decision has been clear, there would be no such experience present and so I commit myself to stop, retrace my steps and correct myself before it is too late

When and as I see myself in a situation where something require to be done, and see that I may have to explain myself to figures of authority as to why I am doing what I am doing and where they may possibly disagree -- and based on that do not want to commit myself to do what needs to be done -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have created an idea about 'authority' as if it something that you can't do anything about, or where it is difficult to get through -- where I've accepted and allowed myself throughout my life to place blind trust within the concept of authority without every questioning if what they stand for is in fact substantial and real and where I've accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as being intimidated and set myself up to simply obey as to not cause any trouble-- and so I commit myself to walk through my fear of dealing with authority and commit myself to investigate the concept of authority within me through self reflective writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements and application, so that I no longer accept and allow myself to compromise myself out of fear but stand by principle

When and as I see myself in a situation where something requires direction, and where I see I might face resistance on what I want to do coming from figures of authority, and then within that immediately want to 'withdraw' myself from the situation where I do not want to do anything and just 'walk away' out of the fear/belief that I will not be confident enough to explain myself and make a fool out of myself and get into trouble -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that a situation like this shows me where I still require to work on myself, in this case 'self-confidence' and so I commit myself to take note of the points I have to work on, but do not allow these points to have a space in my decision-making and instead walk through the fear and gift myself an opportunity to change

When and as I see myself in a situation where something requires direction but let fear override common sense practical consideration and then make myself feel less bad about my decision through employing positive, hopeful thoughts that make what I just did 'seem okay' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and reaise that those 'positive' and 'cheerful' thoughts reveal the true nature of me as dark and evil, where I am more concerned with maintaining my limited existence of self interest than doing something which is in the best interest of all -- where instead of seeing what I have done and be frank about it with myself, I use positive thoughts to cover up my actions and suppress what little common sense was left in me

Related articles

• Day 107: Showing my True Colours
• Day 89: Holding Back
• Day 61: Self-Disappointment
• Day 155 - Am I ready.
• Day 92: Always Expect the Worst - Part 2

Day 107: Showing my True Colours

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 106: Regret 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within fear upon seeing the pups in the box, where I saw that it was not cool that these pups are here in a box with no food, no water – and that this situation obviously requires direction, where upon looking at what to do next and how things might possibly play out – I went into fear of what my parents will say about me taking the pups home to show them and see what we can do for them and feared it being a problem on the train where I didn’t want to get into trouble

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into a point of stuckness when seeing that the train and my parents could be a possible problem/obstacle – where I looked at the intensity of the fear and the intensity of wanting to help the pups – and then decided that the fear had ‘more weight’ than me wanting to help the pups, and so I decided to walk away

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to when I was looking at how to ‘take it from here’, have reacted to the possible point of the train and my parents being a problem – where I reacted to the person who checks the people on the train as being ‘authoritative’, and my parents as being ‘authoritative’ where their decision is the ‘final one’ where I did not trust myself to give a common sensical explanation to either one of them and then based on that decided for myself that it was ‘not worth it’ and ‘I shouldn’t bother’ because I did not want to place myself in a position faced with authority figures and ‘going against them’ and not being confident

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have decided that it was not worth for me to walk through and face my fears in order to be certain that the pups had been given direction and went to a safe place – where instead I decided to hold on to fear as self-limitation and walk away from the pups, walk away from the certainty that they will be okay

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have within that moment have chosen self-interest as holding on to fear as fear of self-change – where I did not want to move out of my comfort zone for the sake of others' wellbeing, but instead chose to not change, and take the chance of the pups being worse off than what they already were

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attempted to sooth the shame within, where I would ‘build my case’ inside myself as thoughts/backchat, where I would think things like “Someone else will probably find them and take care of them”, so that I could justify my decision of walking away and distracting myself from the point of not wanting to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only afterwards change my mind, where I was feeling bad and based on the ‘feeling bad’ decided that I should check up on them – where I went to check where they had previously been and they were gone – where I first went “Oh shit” but then told myself, “Naaah, you see, someone took care of them, they’ll be alright” – while I actually did not have a clue what happened but just gave myself the answer that would make me feel the best about myself and make me forget about the event all together – where everything was seemingly ‘okay’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the fear of facing authority override common sense practicality and care – where I rather jeopardized the lives of other rather than having to face myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that within that moment, my true face was shown – where I cared more about fear and maintaining self-limitation than Life

Related articles

• Day 165 - Justifying is Fighting for Limitation
• Day 155 - Am I ready.
• Day 174 - Postponing
• Day 152 - Fear of Living
• Day 147 - Living Commitments - Day 18 of 21 - False Image and Likeness
• Day 72: I Can't do This!

Day 106: Regret

While we were walking back from putting the horses in the neighbour’s field this morning, we saw that there was a random cardboard box standing next to the fence of the neighbour’s field in which the cows were grazing.

Gian went to check it out saying “Let’s make sure there’s no puppies in there” – and as he said that, a memory popped up of when I found a box with puppies in it.

I was in high school, maybe 16 years old. It was walking away from school down the station but decided to first go to the public library before catching a train home. As I was walking past the station, I saw a cardboard box next to one of the bins. I went to check it out and there was a whole bunch of golden puppies in it.

At first I was shocked, because I had heard of these type of things happening but I had never seen it before ‘in my face’ type of thing. My school was in a red light district, in a kind of poor part of the city and I wasn’t sure if anyone would walk by here that would be able to help these pups.

I was looking at what I should do. I wanted to grab the box and go home, show my parents and make a plan. But then I remember how my mom would always moan about dogs, as they used to have a dog and he started destroying furniture and doors, and then gave him away. Not that I was planning on keeping these pups per se, I just wanted to get them out off the street and to a place where they could be taken care of.

So then fear kicked in, because I didn’t want to upset my parents and I didn’t want to get into trouble. I was also scared that I might run in trouble on the train, as I didn’t know for sure what the regulations were concerning pets – and again: I didn’t want to get in trouble.

So in the end I decided that it was ‘not worth it’, that I was ‘too scared’ and so I walked away and went to the library. All the way walking to the library and then walking from the library back to the station, I was worried about the pups and what might happen or have already happened to them.

Just as I was about to get to the entrance of the station, I take a turn to get to the other side where I had initially seen the box. When I got there the box was gone.

On my way home I kept telling myself that ‘someone else probably sorted it out / took care of them’ -- but how could I be sure? That neighbourhood was a bit dodge, who knows what could have happened to them. And I’ve since then always regretted not having picked up the box and make sure that they went somewhere safe.

As I walked through the memory on our walk back to the farm, I looked at how I would have handled the situation now, and looking at it now, the ridiculousness of my behaviour is very evident. If I had to be faced with the same situation now, I would have picked up the box without hesitation, take it home and make a plan – and if it turned out to be a problem on the train I would have just dealt with it because it really shouldn’t be that big of a deal. But who I was at that point, even though what I did was ridiculous and stupid – the fear was so intense and so real, that I felt like I had no other choice but to obey it – fear was my reality and not common sense practical consideration.

The particular point that sticks out for me in this memory, is the point of ‘authority’. Where both my parents and the train person in his uniform represent points of ‘authority’ – and where even if these authority figures did not make sense, I would not want to go against it out of fear of getting into trouble. So what’s always bugged me about this memory, is that I chose fear as self-interest in terms of not wanting to get into trouble over the certainty that those pups had been taken care of – where I rather allowed the possibility of them dying or being abused to exist over me stepping up within myself and do what I see needs to be done regardless of how particular authority figures may have reacted to that.

Related articles

• Day 172 - giving Courage to myself.
• Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2
• Day 155 - Am I ready.
• Day 72: I Can't do This!

Day 79: What Have I Done?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie
Day 78: Self-Rejection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I saw my nephew do the exact same thing when I was younger, as in laughing at things on the same show without knowing what exactly was funny about it – have seen this as the ‘perfect opportunity’ to get back for myself what I perceived had been ‘stolen from me’ – where I felt like it was now my turn / time to be in a superior position, and decided to ‘catch him out’ in what he was doing, the same way as how my siblings had done to me – where I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was my ‘right’ to do this and that it was now my turn to make someone else feel bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have caught out my nephew in what he was doing as laughing at things where he didn’t really know what he was laughing at – from the starting point of ‘getting back’ at my brother and sister through making my nephew feel bad – where I went and stole his energy for the sake of compensating the energy I had lost when I was smaller when the same thing happened with my siblings and me – where I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was now ‘getting even’ within catching out my nephew in what he was doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have caught out my nephew in what he was doing as laughing at things there he didn’t really know what he was laughing at – without for a moment considering how this would affect him even though I had experienced first-hand what I went through when it happened to me – where I only cared about getting an energy surge from catching him out on his pretence and within that feel all high and mighty within having busted him for something I could clearly see he was not comfortable with (in terms of not getting the humour) – where I felt so clever for having picked up on this and having caught him out so I could make myself feel better about myself within making him feel worse about himself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just have gone ‘with it’ when seeing the opportunity to gain back the energy I once lost as a child – where I immediately went, ‘yes, yes – this is what I must do let me do this’ in an almost “Gollum” like way, being single-mindedly focused on getting my precious energy back without considering the consequence of my actions or how my actions would influence the other person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been shocked at what I was seeing as the expression on my nephew’s face after I had ‘caught him out’ – as all of a sudden I found myself being faced with myself all those years ago and it was as if I was staring myself in the face – and the face was hurt, where I felt like I had cheated on myself within doing unto him what had been done unto me without for a moment considering that for me to feel good, I would have to make him feel bad – which was exactly how it played out/what happened – but then as I was faced with his expression I only too late realised the ‘reality’ of what I had done, where I had been so concerned/obsessed with only my own personal “wellbeing” that I completely forgot/disregarded how I had felt when it had been done unto me – and so I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to within that moment where I saw the opportunity to do unto another as had been done unto me – to have stopped within the realisation that I did not like what had happened, and that it would thus be hypocritical / a lie to do it unto another, and within that moment stop participating within the temptation of energy and ground myself back here within my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘after the facts’ as seeing the hurt expression on my nephews face and realising what I just had done – have gone and hide behind my mom because the realisation of what I had done was just too painful/uncomfortable to bear – as I had been very upset at my brother and sister for what they had done all those years ago and yet I now had placed myself in that exact same position – where I felt like I was completely evil and went into regret as shame and embarrassment for having cheated on myself within making my nephew feel how I did not want to feel – and where instead of looking at what I had done and what processes were involved to get to a point of accumulation where I acted out what had been done unto me and correcting myself – I went into hiding and suppression and try to forget what just had happened because I found myself too shocked/perplexed to handle what had just happened / what I had just done – where I went to hide behind my mom and kind of suck on my fingers/play with them in my mouth as a point of self-suppression instead of taking responsibility for what I had done – although I also see / realise / understand that I could only have done so much within not having been taught/educated on how the mind processes work and why I was tempted to do unto my nephew what had been done unto me – where at the same time I would have been able to use myself as a reference within the point of being aware that I was acting out a form of ‘payback’ and kind of in the back of my mind knowing that this was ‘not cool’ – where I could have stopped myself right then and there just on that point

Related articles

• Day 78: Self-Rejection
• Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
• Day 73: What do I feel like doing?
• Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie
• Day 68: My Mind, My Saviour

Day 61: Self-Disappointment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore self-disappointment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem self-disappointment as ‘being of the mind’ and within that use it as an excuse to dismiss/ignore it – within believing/kidding myself that I am being directed by a ‘low’/’down’ energy/mood and that I must just ‘get out of it’ and not pay much attention to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the experience of self-disappointment within believing that I am being depressed – without seeing and realising that I am feeling depressed because I am not addressing my self-disappointment and then within that further disappointing myself to the point of depression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stand still within every experience I have – and truly investigate what it is about – instead of just trying to ‘brush it off’ as self-suppression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to address self-disappointment

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that self-disappointment can be real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of addressing self-disappointment, go into depression and further disappointment to a point where I am in complete aversion towards myself without looking at how I created this experience for myself – and then kid myself into believing that the depression is the problem without seeing/realising that the depression is merely an outflow/result of me knowing that I am disappointment with myself and not doing anything to get myself to a point where I am satisfied with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed with myself and believe this to just be a ‘mood swing’ with no further meaning/implication – which then leads me into depression within not addressing the point and then go into self-destructive behaviour in order to distract myself from taking responsibility for my self-disappointment which only makes things worse

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be true to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take note of self-disappointment and see/identify where I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and take self-responsibility within correcting the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within self-disappointment within the realisation that I haven’t been true to myself and within that bring myself down within ‘down energy’ which spirals out of control and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that judging myself for self-compromise with self-disappointment/regret does not in any way assist or support me but only distracts me from coming to the point of self-responsibility and changing my actions to a point where I can be satisfied with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when seeing the point of self-disappointment, go into an energetic experience/reaction towards the point as self-judgment where I want to ‘do something about it’ from an energetic starting point – where instead of being here, stable and correcting myself/taking self-responsibility – I go into a point of ‘making up’ and ‘punishing myself’ where I go into the opposite polarity / extreme and set goals/standards for myself which I can’t practically live up to and within that find myself in a strenuous position – and where when I come to the point where I realise that I didn’t and couldn’t live up to my new standard/goals – go into further self-judgment as self-victimization and failure in believing that “I am such a fuck up” – instead of seeing and realising that I had been unreasonable within myself within ‘wanting to make up for it’ where I was being too strict with myself and not allowing flexibility and so again = compromising myself. Same point, different picture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into all these various dimensions/directions in relation to self-disappointment – and within these various directions/dimensions never actually get to the point but just entertain myself with another energy dimension where I go and fuck around without ever coming to the point of correction/self-responsibility which inevitably only leads to more self-compromise and self-disappointment since this trapping myself in all these various dimensions/directions is itself again self-compromise and so within that I just keep the pattern/cycle going



When and as I see myself being disappointment with myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am indicating to myself that I am not yet completely satisfied with my application and that I could be more specific/effective within a particular point or points – and so I commit myself to trace back the point of disappointment so I can correct myself

When and as I see myself being disappointment with myself and dismissing/ignoring the point because there is a ‘negative energy’ attached to it and within that believing that it is “of the mind” – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the ‘negative energy’ is not inherent to the point of self-disappointment but is a negative energy which has come about through self-judgment and postponement – where I did not accept and allow myself to address the point of self-disappointment IMMEDIATELY within the very moment it opened up – but instead waited, judged it and left myself to wallow in my own self-pity and then believing this energy to be a part of ‘self-disappointment’ so that I have a ‘good reason’ to ignore this self-disappointment so that I can have a ‘good reason’ to not change my ways – and so I commit myself to investigate and look at every single point of self-disappointment within me and to not just dismiss it because there’s an energy around it – and I commit myself to catch myself within those very moment that I compromise myself which will inevitably lead to self-disappointment so I can correct myself before it even happens because I know inside myself that there are those moments where I know what to do, but I don’t do it -- and I know that I will regret not doing it – but I still don’t – because I find it easier to give in to energy than sticking to principle and so I commit myself to stand by / listen to principle as that voice inside me that knows very well what requires to be done and to dismiss the energy experience of temptation

When and as I see myself being in a state of depression – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is me indicating that I am not satisfied with myself/my life /how I handle things and so I commit myself to identify the point which requires specification/alignment and get myself to change the point without any further distraction such as self-judgment / pity

When and as I see myself judging myself within being disappointed with myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is no point judging myself as this is only me removing myself further from taking actual self-responsibility where I believe that I am taking ‘passive responsibility’ within judging myself as ‘punishment’ and believe that I can get away with my dishonest actions as long as I repent and show that I am sorry – and so I commit myself to snap myself out of self-judgment as the nasty self-sabotage trick it is – and ground myself here, within and as breath and do what needs to be done within active self-correction

When and as I see myself being disappointed with myself and go into a point of wanting to ‘make up’ / ‘compensate’ for my “evil doing” – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is no solution and actually just a repetition of the exact same pattern but this time within the other polarity side of the construct which means that if I participate in this I am going to end up right where I started as I am within this compromising myself and self-compromise leads to self-disappointment and so I commit myself to when I deal with a point of self-disappointment and self-correction – double check my starting point to ensure that it is not within energy but simply a point of self-responsibility as correcting/specifying/re-aligning myself within the realisation / acknowledgement that how I did something previously was not cool and so I change/correct it

Related articles

• Day 52: Prelude - Don't take anything for Granted
• Day 60: Paranoia
• Day 50: Here -- Yet Lightyears away
• Day 46: Running on Automated Pilot
• Day 65: Giving up character Self Forgiveness Statements