Day 242: Stepping out of Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to validate my fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become addicted to fear and the alternate reality it opens up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used my fears and anxieties as a way to guide and direct me that it feels unnatural 'not to' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the future needs to be foretold and be known 100% before I can walk it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I could not have in any way predicted where I am today and the path I have walked and yet: I am here

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it takes discipline to condition myself and my body into fear and that it takes discipline to say No in every moment to get out of the experience 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it takes time to walk through the layers of the onion -- to be patient with myself and yet not use 'it's not going fast enough / it's not all sorted 'here and now'' as an excuse that 'it's not working' -- within this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live both patience and perseverance in equal measure - where I tend to either be 'too patient' where I let time pass but without the dedicated movement and action of myself or where I am being forceful and hard with myself cause I want to get it done 'here and now' and then react that it's not done in 'one moment' as 'one decision' as it's a decision I have to make and live again and again and again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself when I am making changes -- thinking and believing 'no this can't be it' and then plunge myself deeper into the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply a solution consistently enough to see what comes of it and actually take myself through to the other side

Day 214: Time is Money – Part 2

This blog is in continuation to:
Day 211: Don't Be So Ridiculous!
Day 212: Time is Money
Day 213: Arguments of Convenience

When and as I see myself contemplating a particular activity whereby I am checking whether the following activity will be productive in monetary terms in some way or another, and then use this variable as part of my decision making as to why I should or shouldn’t do something – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that we currently live in a system which is money driven as a reflection of the values we uphold, but this does not mean that these are the values we should uphold. I thus commit myself to re-evaluate where I am standing, where my values are at and make my decision on what needs to be done which may or may not be related to monetary advancement / productivity.

When and as I see myself react to someone telling me to ‘stop it’ or ‘get over it already’, wherein I perceive their remark as being an indicator that I am ‘being ridiculous’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I decide who I am in every moment and thus I commit myself to be here within breath, check my starting point and ‘who I am’ in relation to the activity I am dong – and accordingly either stop or continue with the activity depending on my feedback within self-investigation

When and as I see myself evaluating/analyzing the ‘worthwhileness’ of an activity based on its monetary returns (either directly or indirectly) – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that we are currently living in a world where only money determines what is worthwhile, yet this is not what should be valued – and so I commit myself to relinquish the rule that ‘only those activities which will provide monetary gain in some way or another are worthwhile’ and to adopt an approach of balance where I tend to those activities which require to be done within the context of the current system and to those activities which are in alignment with a system that is best for all and cares for life

When and as I see myself evaluating activities based on the motto ‘Time is Money’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that as long as we all live by this motto we will never have / find a way out of it – as the solution lies outside money being the solitary value in life. I commit myself to breathe, ground myself within my human physical body and remind myself of what really matters and what steps are required to be taken to get to a different way of life

When and as I see myself accessing an energy of ridiculousness in relation to having been told that I must stop what I am doing and do something which is more in alignment in this world in order to be taken seriously – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that the remark is nothing personal but merely indicates the speakers acceptance and allowance as defeat within having submitted to ‘the way things are’ where one should just ‘make the best of it’ and not ‘waste one’s time pursuing change’. I commit myself to ground myself within and as my human physical body, within breath, to release / let go of any energy and to further investigate any reactions within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself accessing an energy of ‘hurt’ in relation to how my parents treated me in terms of ‘prepping me for this world’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that they were merely doing what they thought was right / would provide me with the necessary survival skills to have some sort of ‘nice life’ within the system. I commit myself to forgive my parents as myself and walk as the solution / example as how I would have like to have been treated

Related articles

• Day 212: Time is Money
• Day 203: My Head is like a Broken Record
• Day 210: Blinded by the Light/Shine of Money
• Day 213: Arguments of Convenience
• Day 334 - Projecting me into tomorrow.
• Day 361 ‚I' am Not: „I don't want to do my responsibilities"!
• Day 364 Justifying my Resistance through „I just don't want to do my responsibilities, that's it."
• Day 367 Why do I fear going to another country? Imaginations? Movies?
• Day 178: Intelligent Principle as Rejection and Approval... Not!

Day 199: Exam Nightmares

The beginning of this week as I started studying ‘for real’ for my exams, I had two exam nightmares in a row. In the first one I had started doing the exam and was pretty much writing down and selecting whatever as I hadn’t really studied to have a ‘good grade’ but just to pass. After a while of doing the exam I got distracted and started doing other stuff (for some reason I was doing the exam in Belgium in my parents’ house where I used to live, so I could leave the room and do other things). Then I suddenly realise that my two-hour time limit is about to run out and I run back to the exam papers to finish them, and then I realise that I wasn’t supposed to write the answers on the exam papers themselves, but on separate sheets. So I’m going ‘Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Shit, Shit, Shit’ and I quickly start copying over what I wrote. Because time is running out like really fast, I am writing at superspeed and notice that my handwriting is barely illegible. More ‘Shit, Fuck, Shit, Fuck’. As I am copying and thus re-reading my answers, I suddenly realise how many of my answers aren’t straight but just ‘circling around the question’ where I say things without really saying anything. So now I’m really freaking out because I am both running out of time and it’s becoming evident that even if I had time to write everything down – I’d probably still fail.

Then I see that there are old notebooks lying around from my brother on the same subject ( a subject I haven’t even heard about in my ‘wake life’ and so don’t even have this subject this semester), and I peak at what is in the notes and see that he has given completely different answers to some of the questions and I go ‘Oh oh’ because it’s clear that I won’t be able to pull off ‘pretending I know the material’ because I can see the answers are quite specific and its obvious looking at what I wrote that I don’t have a clue what I am talking about.

At some point time runs out and I wake up. I’m covered in sweat and freaked out.

The second dream/nightmare was very vague and wasn’t me doing an actual exam but was only about the exam schedule and preparing for the exam and gathering notes – but the main stressor was the schedule, just looking at the days and the times made me nervous. This one also played out in Belgium.

So what I found quite interesting in both these dreams is that the play-out takes place in Belgium – and not in South Africa where I am currently having exams. This reminded me that most of my exam stress and worries took place where I grew up. I can see there is a difference studying for exams, here, now, compared to how I used to study exams in Belgium. But even though there’s a difference in situation, simply because there are some symbols and variables the same –all those memories from the past get reloaded right back and come interfere with what I am doing now. It’s like the mind is going “oh oh, ‘exams’ and ‘schedule’ --- I know this one!!!” and then proudly goes and digs into the archives of the past and digs up old records containing thoughts, feelings and emotions and starts playing the record to make everything feel like ‘the good old times’.

So within the next couple of posts I want to investigate my relationship towards studying, exams and grades to remove the garbage from the past so I can study in peace lol.

Related articles

• Does the Education system Prepare the Children to Face the World - Day 337
• Day 338: Later, Later
• How Fear Controls an Overachiever - Day 373
• Day 318 - Reactive Character, Road to success Part 4
• How To Stop Feeling Like Crap - Day 375
• Why Do We Fear Giving Up The Fear? - Day 370

Day 119: The Power of Thought - Part 3

This blog is a continuation to:

Day 117: The Power of Thought  

Day 118: The Power of Thought: Time Warp

When and as I see myself accessing an assumption on 'how long' something takes to do, and believe this to be a valid and trustworthy reference -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am just making things up and actually have no idea how long something is or isn't going to take, and have already seen many times that my estimations do not match the actual physical reality of how long things take to do and so I commit myself to disregard my assumption/belief and to find out how long something takes by actually doing it and not using my estimation/guess as an excuse/justification as to why I shouldn't do something

When and as I see myself being in a position where I have to do something but believe/estimate/guess that I will not be able to complete the task within the given timeframe -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I cannot be trusted with such estimations and commit myself to start the tasks regardless of whether I will be able to finish it or not to practice the point of simply doing things without entertaining the backchat of 'Its going t take too long' and so not giving myself any space to move into self-sabotage but integrate a pattern of immediate self-movement

I commit myself to investigate those points/tasks which I have labelled as 'take a lot time' in terms of how they fit in my schedule to investigate the emotional energy charges connected to them as that which makes them appear to 'take long' and to remove these emotional layers through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements / Application

When and as I see myself looking at what I have to do next and then check whether I have enough time to do it or not where I look at the task but then secretly in the back of my mind only check how much I like/dislike doing the task at hand -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this method of moving through my day/taks is very ineffective as I am allowing myself to compromise myself and others in not doing certain tasks or postponing them because of my personal energy attachments attached to them and so I commit myself to within that moment of 'sidetracking' inside my mind as measuring my level of resistance to snap myself out of it, bring myself here as my human physical body within and as breath and simply do what it is that needs to be done

When and as I see myself calculating how long a specific task is going to take within 'walking the task' within my mind where I see flashes of the steps and experience a particular energetic charge to each one of the pictures as the steps involved and then instead of looking at 'how long it takes', I only take notice of 'how I feel' in terms of how I react to each one of the steps, where the harder I reacted, I will translate it into 'takes so long' and within that sabotage myself to not do something or postpone it in order to avoid this 'negative experience' and remain in character and so I commit myself to stop calculating and stop going through the steps, breathe, ground myself within and as my human physical body within breath and do what needs to be done and then check how long it took only afterwards to give myself an actual physical reference and not a mind assumption based on energy

When and as I see myself looking at the time and participating within thoughts/backchat in the nature of "there's no time for that" or "maybe later, I won't make it" -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed myself to use time as just another dimension within justifying and excusing self-interested behaviour, where I want to be able to point to an external source as 'time' and 'the clock' so I can say, "but no, look, there is no time! Even the clock says so!" as a way of showing how 'powerless' I am within a given situation, that I don't really have a say in it and that my 'hands are tied', the time decided for me -- it wasn't me making the decision -- and within that completely abdicating self-responsibility and reducing myself to a slave incapable of any form of self-movement or practical common sense decision making based on what is Best for All Life -- and so I commit myself to within those moments stop, and check my starting point in terms of what it is I am trying to achieve within wanting to find out what the time and re-align my starting point and thus behaviour if and when necessary

Related articles

• Day 118: The Power of Thought: Time Warp
• Day 97: Don't you just LOVE Complaining? - Part 2
• Character Dimensions - BACKCHAT Dimension (Part 1): DAY 167
• Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning
• Day 99: Stress Management - Part 2
• Day 100: Stress Management - Part 3

Day 118: The Power of Thought: Time Warp

This blog is a continuation to:

Day 117: The Power of Thought

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea about how long things take to do

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to investigate the ideas I have about how long things take and see whether my ideas actually match reality -- where within not checking and cross-referencing my ideas I can allow myself to use my ideas to my advantage as the 'only info' I have to go on within making time-related decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my ideas about time 'trustworthy', where if believe that something will take me 'long', that this must be correct based on past experiences with the same task

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am not yet in a position to make decisions on what I can and can't do based on 'how long I think it will take' -- because of how I experience time and it being relative to whatever it is that I do, where whatever I dislike doing always will seem 'so much longer' than those things that I like doing -- where these experience should show me that I am unable to make correct assumptions about time and as such I should not accept and allow myself to make decisions based on how long I *think* something will take -- but to actually do it no matter whether it gets done within the open time-frame and actually check how long it takes so that I can stop manipulating and sabotaging myself with 'ideas'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my time perception is clearly biased by my particular likes and dislikes related to tasks -- where things I do not like doing will be categorised as 'taking a long time', so that whenever I have an opening to do something and see that I require to do something which I do not like, I can tell myself that 'now is not the right time', and get away with not doing what it is that I don't want to do based on a distorted idea of time

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when I see something needs to be done and think about how long it will take, that I am not actually looking at how long it will take, but merely measuring/checking my level of resistance towards the task at hand -- where the more I resist it, the longer it will apparently take to get it done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can calculate how long something will take if I walk the task in my mind, not seeing and realising that time works differently in the mind as the mind jumps around and does not take actual physical points into consideration, but only has thoughts/feelings and emotions as a reference for what I am trying to calculate within my mind -- so that when I imagine myself doing the steps, I see flashes of the steps and experience the level of resistance related to the task which appears the task to be 'loaded' and 'heavy', whereby I connect this experience to 'it takes long'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misuse time as a guide to structure my day to day activities from the starting point of justifying my actions as the decisions I make to do or not do particular things, where instead of simply doing what needs to be done from the understanding that what needs to be done is best for me and best for all -- I will first analyze each step/task separately and measure my resistance level and then either do it or not on the false premise that 'it takes to much time' or 'I should rather do this, this fits better right now' -- where I misuse time as an external point to validate my self-dishonesty within knowing that I make decisions based on likes/dislikes and not based on common sense practical care -- where I use time to coverup my actions in order to have a reason to not have to have a look and investigate application

Related articles

• Day 99: Stress Management - Part 2
• Day 205 - Me against myself in Rebirthing myself as Life.
• Day 105: Human Liberties
• Day 15 - The Game of Recognition
• Day 73: What do I feel like doing?
• Day 3 - Walking Through Resistance

Day 117: The Power of Thought

The other day I was stressing out about something in the morning, I think I had to prepare for an exam and we had to leave early, so everything had to be done ‘quick quick’ so that we would be able to leave in time.

In the mornings I always have my cell phone close by and check it often to make sure that I am ‘on schedule’. Every morning we have the same routine (except for weekends), and everything slots in right after one another. So if I am late for one thing, it moves/pushes the whole morning schedule out.

Anyway, as I was busy giving the parrots their food in the morning, I saw I also still had to do their water AND feed the baby birds before going to horses. I went all “Oh no, I don’t have enough time to do aaaaaalll of these things before horses!!”. Those type of thoughts raise a flag – because I know this whole time thing gets blown out of proportion in my head). So instead of doing one over the other (feed the birdies vs give parrots water) – I wanted to see if I really could not do both. I only had so many minutes left, but started with the parrot water and was able feed the birds in time for me to go down and take Charlie for a run before he goes to the field! I also timed each one of the points, and realised the parrot water for instance, only takes TWO minutes to do – and feeding the birdies (after the food is already been made warm), only takes like 5 minutes. So in my head, as I am faced with these points I still have to finish, I in my mind imagine me taking out each of the parrot water bowls, which they’ve made all dirty with their food, chucking the water away, cleaning the bowls, and filling them with the tiny filter tap in the kitchen (which runs slow and thin). So in my mind I look at all these steps and I’m saying to myself NO WAY, there is just NO WAY that I can do ALL OF THAT, in the 10 minutes that are left. I should just do it later, when I have moooree time.

So, I used to act on that, which would then result in me getting to it only after horses, which is like 30-45 minutes later in the morning --- because I thought that ‘it’s just not possible’, it takes ‘so much time’. But, in reality – it only takes 2 minutes. I keep on finding myself in situations where I know I have to do something, then look at the time and go “oh no, not gonna happen, look at the time, there’s just no way I can squeeze this in, there’s no point” – where I so could have done whatever it was that I had to do, but I didn’t, because I *thought* that tasks X would take me that much longer.

So it’s interesting to see what thoughts do, they really have some amazing power! They make things up that are not real and then screw with your life because you believed them lol – and then you wonder why your life’s messed up.

Clocks and time are supposed to help us manage our life more effectively, but how can we use time as an indicator effectively if we’re completely clueless about actual reality and how long things actually take. Many times I have an important task to do, like and assignment, and I will keep on postponing it because each time I think that ‘it’s not worth it’, because ‘I only have so much time left’. Looking at the clock and finding out what the time is, becomes just another excuse to postpone and not do the things you’ve kind of already secretly decided not to do in the first place – but now we can use time as our ally, because apparently the maths adds up in our favour.

So I’ve been practicing the point of actually checking how long things take, so that I can’t bullshit myself into not doing them simply because I *think* it takes such and such amount of time, while instead of measuring actual time, we’re simply measuring our level of resistance towards something – and then the time we think it takes is basically a translation of how much we not want to do something.

To be continued…

Related articles

• Day 190 - Anger misplaced towards Animals Part 1
• Day 98: Stress Management
• Day 88: Fear of the Past Repeating Itself
• Day 101: Is my TV a Secret Mind Control Device?
• Day 102: Mind Control is Everywhere!
• Day 170 - Anticipation Walking my Horse Part 2 Self forgiveness.

Day 99: Stress Management - Part 2

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 98: Stress Management

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to breathe effectively -- where within moments of my day I will allow myself to go into my mind as backchat, ideas, opinions, beliefs, judgments about my day, my schedule and my tasks -- whereby instead of being here within and as breath -- I allow myself to access alternate dimensions with energetic charges and impose them unto me and my day/tasks/schedule -- where when I find myself dealing with a particular task/point, I am not really dealing with the task/point at hand -- but instead allow myself to veer off into the dimensions of my mind where I have created an idea about what I am doing, which then creates friction as energy within me which I then accept and allow myself to be influenced by in terms of accumulating stress and/or changing my behaviour in accordance to the ideas/beliefs/judgments I accessed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe effectively within my day -- where I allow moments/gaps within my day where I go and look at my schedule from the starting point of 'choice' where I believe that I could be doing other things which I like more -- and then contrast my experience of what I am doing / what I am going to be doing with the experience of what I would rather be doing and within that put downward pressure on myself within believing that I am in an unfavourable position and have to 'struggle my way through' -- without seeing and realising that I am creating the experience of struggle/stress within contrasting/comparing experiences of the different things I could be doing -- where these experiences aren't even real in terms of being directly implied by the task -- but experiences I have made up in my mind where I decided that 'with this task goes this experience' and within that creating unfavourable conditions for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret my schedule and classify each point within a segment of 'what I want to do' and 'what I don't want to do' -- where I still move myself to go through my schedule regardless of my judgment/energetic experience linked towards what I do -- but wherein not having addressed my judgment/backchat about the point I am dealing with -- I go into a point of 'opportunity cost', where I experience a sense of 'sacrifice' within doing what I have to do and foregoing what I would rather be doing -- not seeing and realising that I am within that participating within the delusion of choice -- not seeing and realising that there is no choice involved and that I will be doing what requires to be done regardless of my preference as likes and dislikes -- and so I might as well get over with it and not distract myself with such 'dreams'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I find myself experience a point of 'struggle' or 'stress' in relation to my schedule/tasks at hand -- to immediately go into the point of "it must be my schedule which is the problem" -- without for a moment assessing who I am in relation to my schedule and see what I can change there, for me to able to work with my schedule effectively within my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow experiences to accumulate, where within day upon day accessing particular views/opinions about my schedule, I am adding one more layer of stress within myself -- where when the point comes of 'wanting to explode' -- it is already too late, indicating that I have missed many breaths and not effectively evaluated and corrected my self-application within my day within every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to into dimensions of what I 'rather would be doing' and waste my time there -- instead of moving through the schedule I have layed out for myself within seeing/realising that this is what requires to be done and is the only way I am able to address all the points which require addressing within my day -- and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have looked at those tasks in my day which require attention every single day without exception -- where I should have identified any point of backchat/judgment about these points a long time ago and have addressed them within seeing/realising that this is what I will be doing every single day, over and over until it is done -- and that there is thus no point to judge it or make something 'bad' about it -- as I then only place myself in a precarious position of having to deal with this negative energy everyday which is commonsensically going to accumulate if I do not address it from the get go

Related articles

• Day 98: Stress Management
• Day 97: Don't you just LOVE Complaining? - Part 2
• Character Dimensions - BACKCHAT Dimension (Part 1): DAY 167
• Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning
• Day 91: Always Expect the Worst, Like that you won't get Disappointed
• Day 58: Reasoning as Self-Sabotage