Day 184: When Food is no longer just Food

This blog is a continuation to Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately generate and participate within thoughts which are non-supportive to my physical well-being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have forced myself through my mind to turn on myself within composing, generating and participating in thoughts which I knew did not match reality – but did it anyway because I wanted to deliberately make myself disordered

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have practiced having non-supportive thoughts to my physical well-being in relation to food and my body, where I would deliberately over analyse foods from a knowledge perspective and create a relationship with everything single piece of food in my environment as to ‘twist’ its nature – where for instance a banana was no longer a banana but had x amount of calories and was not good for this and that and has so much sugar and it’s a BAD FOOD

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have deliberately manipulated and twisted my relationship with food by labelling foods from a starting point of ‘what will make me fat’ – without actually understanding how fat is produced in the body and how my human physical body really works in anyway whatsoever – but just go on ‘hearsay’ information about ‘bad’ and ‘good’ foods and create a whole food religion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself have deliberately manipulated and sabotaged my relationship with my human physical body – where I was previously quite fine with my body as it’s just kind of here and does what it does – to deliberately meticulously starting to observe, analyse and investigate my body and start labelling and marking all the things that are ‘wrong’ with my body – again based only on ‘hearsay’ information while having no clue what and how the body works and why particular points are manifested within a particular way within only caring about how my body ‘looks like’ and being completely oblivious/ignorant as to the actual workings and process of the body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have deliberately repeated the same thoughts and thought patterns over and over again until I actually believe them and automatically just ‘pop up’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have ignored knowing that what I was doing was fucked up as it was clear that I was sabotaging my well being both mentally and physically for the sake of looking a particular way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within moments where I could see what I was doing have gone and delved deeper into thought manipulation as to ‘cover up’ what I saw and throw a bunch of garbage on top of it – where I threw so many thoughts of judgment and manipulation at myself so that I would “calm down” and continue with depriving myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately re-shape my perception of myself as to make it easier to abuse myself – to justify it and ‘make sense’ out of it so that I would not have to stop for a moment and question my behaviour

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have brainwashed myself into an Eating Disorder

Day 151: My Way or the Highway

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?
Day 142: Respecting Beliefs
Day 143: Busted!
Day 144: Moving Beyond Self
Day 145: From Reaction to Self-Reflection
Day 149: Interpretation vs Seeing & Correcting
Day 150: How Dare you make me Feel Bad?

When and as I see myself react to criticism or ‘negative feedback’ in relation to something I said or did within ‘wanting to not do it at all anymore’ or ‘only doing it in secret’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is not an actual solution, nor is it real change – as I am merely moving to the opposite pole without addressing the issue as a form of protection mechanism and so I commit myself to identify what it is I am trying to protect as self-interest and hear the words spoken to me and align my application to take into consideration all who are affected within what I say / do and not just my own interest

When and as I see myself react upon seeing that I require to change my application to take others into consideration and within that believe that this ‘takes the fun out of it’ where I then rather do not want to do it at all or do it in secret so I do not have to hear / be faced with criticism/feedback that indicates that I should change – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that within this I am not allowing myself to be the directive principle within ‘having fun’ as I have placed particular conditions and limitations on fun and self-enjoyment where ‘taking others into consideration’ is apparently ‘not fun’ and something wherein I ‘cannot enjoy myself’, and where instead of seeing and changing this point I go into the opposite of ‘not wanting to do it at all’ or ‘doing it in secret’ and so I commit myself to move myself to integrate self-enjoyment within the principle that is Best for All

When and as I see myself reacting to feedback that indicate that I would have to change how I do things with thoughts such as “If I can’t do it my way then I won’t do it at all” or “What’s the point if I can’t do it MY way” – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is a form of spitefulness as resistance to change, reflecting back to me my self-interested nature and unwillingness to take others into consideration and so I commit myself to address my backchat and hear the words spoken/written and expand my self-application to take into consideration others as myself

When and as I see myself react to feedback given to me in relation to something I did or said and react to this within feeling offended / attacked and then only give this experience attention – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am in reactive mode and not actually hearing what is being said and so I commit myself to hear / look at the words spoken and whether or not they are relevant to my situation without taking it personal

When and as I see myself react to someone giving me feedback about something that I said or did that indicates that I require to change within feeling attacked and judging the other for what they said within accessing the belief that whatever I do as an outflow of “my expression” should be respected and simply accepted no matter what where in turn I will do the same for others -- I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that living by such a principle is what got us into the mess of today in the first place and will not get us anywhere and so I commit myself to no longer live by this principle and re-align my behaviour and responsiveness within myself to the principle of what is Best for All – Always

When and as I see myself react to criticism/feedback which indicates a requirement of change within myself within believing that this is unacceptable and an attack on my ‘god given unique expression’ where I did not have a say on ‘who I am’ and thus it is not fair for someone to attack me on this point because it is simply ‘who I am’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is nothing unique about ‘who I am’ as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, as it is merely the result/outflow of particular inputs producing equal outputs and thus there is nothing ‘special’, ‘holy’ or ‘sacred’ about it, as it is merely a matter of simple mathematics and so I commit myself to change my programming and align my response-ability to go beyond the limitations of my programming as how I was brought up in the context of a society of inequality and greed, to structure myself in a way that is Best for All life as the only worthwhile way to be

Related articles

• Day 150: How Dare you make me Feel Bad?
• Day 149: Interpretation vs Seeing & Correcting
• Day 145: From Reaction to Self-Reflection
• Day 143: Busted!
• Day 144: Moving Beyond Self
• Day 137: Re-Acting Reactive Reactions