Day 150: How Dare you make me Feel Bad?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?
Day 142: Respecting Beliefs
Day 143: Busted!
Day 144: Moving Beyond Self
Day 145: From Reaction to Self-Reflection
Day 149: Interpretation vs Seeing & Correcting

When and as I see myself react to someone saying something which ‘makes me feel bad’ within interpreting them as a ‘bad person’ that is ‘being mean’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am accessing the belief that no-one has the right to ‘make me feel bad’ and is only allowed to do and say things that generate ‘happy feelings’ and so I commit myself to let go of this belief system as I have seen and realised that it is a belief of compromise and allow myself to hear what the person is saying regardless of my reactions to the words spoken and I commit myself to work through any reactions that arise through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements / Application

When and as I see myself react when someone says something to another, the other starts crying or displays other forms of behaviour that clearly indicate that they are ‘feeling bad’, where I see and believe the person who made the comment to be ‘evil’ and should not have said whatever it is they said regardless of the content of the message, simply because someone reacted badly to it and believe they should be punished for what they did – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am playing out a belief system based on the past as memories where a figure of authority ineffectively dealt with a similar situation, because we have accepted and allowed ourselves to value a ‘happiness society’ that does not take into consideration what consequences stem forth from this happiness, where happiness must be preserved at all times regardless of any practical common sense considerations and so I commit myself to let go of this belief as I’ve seen its limitation and commit myself to work with what is here as the words spoken instead of reaction and interpretation

When and as I see myself react to words spoken to me within wanting to cry from the starting point of wanting to make a point as ‘look what a mean person this is, look at what they are doing to me’ as a way to shift the attention away from me to the other person within attempting to put them in a ‘bad light’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am manipulating myself and trying to manipulate others around me so that I am able to sabotage myself within not having to look at what was being said and having to possibly change – and so I commit myself to stop and look at what it is that I am trying to protect within wanting to go into manipulation and actually hear the words being spoken


When and as I see myself go into an experience of feeling bad/hurt/violated as a reaction to something someone said and within that become completely deaf to what was said and completely indulge myself into the experience of feeling bad/hurt/violated and not being able to ‘believe’ how one could ‘do this to me’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise I am utilising this as a distraction technique to not have to look at what was being said and what this implies about my application, but rather want to point fingers at the other and how ‘they’ have to change because ‘look at what they are doing to me’ and so I commit myself to stop the self-manipulation as drowning myself within emotions and backchat and actually hear what was said and reflect this back to myself and assess my application accordingly


When and as I see myself wanting to say something to another but foresee the possibility that they may possibly feel hurt / cry and within that decide to not speak / hold back within ‘not wanting to be mean’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am acting upon a response pattern based the past as memories which I have seen and realised are not good examples to live by and so I commit myself to let go of the fear of ‘being seen as mean’ and look at whether what I want to say is relevant or not and speak accordingly


When and as I see myself believe that my experience of feeling hurt/crying as a reaction to conflict/anger is genuine/real – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that when things just ‘happen to me’ that I am not being the directive principle and that as such it cannot be ‘genuinely me’ as I did not genuinely in full self-awareness bring about this experience, but merely happened as a ‘reaction’ and so I commit myself to not accept my experience at face value but to investigate where it comes from and walk through it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements / Application so that I can move from reaction to seeing

Related articles

• Day 149: Interpretation vs Seeing & Correcting
• Day 145: From Reaction to Self-Reflection
• Day 144: Moving Beyond Self
• Day 137: Re-Acting Reactive Reactions
• Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?
• Day 108: Compromising Over Fear

Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately believe that because I react to someone where I feel bad / cry – that this means that the person is ‘bad’ and ‘evil’ for ‘making me feel that way’ and that I am ‘right’ within ‘being the victim’ and that I was treated ‘unfairly’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anyone who ‘makes me feel bad’ is mean and should not have done / said what they did – where I accepted and allowed myself to believe that no-one has the right to ‘make me feel bad’ and that it is my right to be happy and that others must only ever do things to make me happy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when a child said something in class to another, where the other child was being stupid and the kid basically pointed it out – where the other then started crying and where the teacher scolded the one who made the comment – have created the belief that one cannot make another feel bad / make them cry no matter what the circumstance/situation is – where making someone crying is simply ‘not done’ and ‘evil’ and that such behaviour should be punished and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the moment of the one child making a comment, the other crying and the teacher scolding the one who made the comment – have integrated the point that one can ‘get away’ with things if you cry / show that you feel bad as if that is one of the biggest violations that can be done unto and stored this information to use for future manipulation – while all the while the teacher was probably just trying to get the crying kid to shut up within punishing the other kid in order to avoid any later confrontation with unhappy parents who believe their child is being bullied and blame the teacher

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt ‘violated’ whenever I was faced with anger/conflict/friction where I couldn’t believe what just happened to me and what had been ‘done unto me’ – without seeing and realising that I was the one creating this experience for me and thus I was in essence ‘violating myself’ where all I was doing was react to what another said/did and interpreted what they said through filters of perception upon which I created the experience of feeling hurt/bad/violated – not seeing and realising that I wasn’t actually hurt/violated but that I was merely playing out an acquired manipulation tactic as I had seen when I was young in class, where I integrated within me the perfect way to avoid change, where if anyone says something which puts me out of character, I will cry and show ‘how bad’ I feel, making the other person ‘the bad guy’ and myself ‘the victim’ so that I can completely indulge in the experience of ‘being hurt’/’violated’ and shift the attention to the other – where I end up with a situation where I do not have to actually look at my actions and what the other person may be reflecting to myself because I am too busy drowning myself in tears and in my dramatics point out how it is the other person that needs to change, because he/she is MEAN!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when in school when a child made a comment about another child and the child started to cry, where the teacher scolded the child who made the comment – have also integrated the point that I should never say things which may possible hurt another to the point where they feel bad / hurt / cry –where I should limit myself to saying ‘nice things’ only, even if someone’s behaviour really bothers me within the starting point that saying something that “makes” another cry is ‘not done’ and of the highest evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when faced with conflict/anger and ending up feeling hurt/crying – to have started to genuinely believe that what I am experiencing is real within being hurt/sad and believing that the other person is wrong/mean/evil as if it is a basic law of nature – not seeing and realising that this idea came from somewhere and that I adopted this idea and applied it – it wasn’t something that ‘just is’ and within this dogmatic belief have completely failed to look at the origin of this point and only indulged myself within my experience of sadness, hurt, feeling bad, victimization, self-pity and blame – losing sight of the bigger picture completely

Related articles

• Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
• Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party
• Day 232 - Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.
• Day 125: I am the Centre of the Universe!
• Day 19 - Thats NOT FAIR!
• Day 222 - I am worthless in Conversations and Self Sabotage

Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of investigating my experience within having taken my father’s reaction personal in relation to me playing around on the pc and then breaking this – have gone into ‘shut down’ mode where I don’t consider anything but my experience as energy as fear and anxiety and where within this close-mindedness I made the decision that playing around on the pc and exploring things is best done in secret / in a way that will not be obvious

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was forced to take the route of ‘playing in secret’ on the pc because of fear that my father would react ‘badly’ again where I would end up feeling miserable – where instead of tackling the point within myself and actually dealing with it I decided to see how I can ‘minimize’ the point through avoidance/circumvention where instead of changing myself and my behaviour I merely ‘mutated’ it by playing around when my father was not around and not telling him if something happened so that it could have been ‘anyone’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way to deal with this situation where my father would get angry if I messed things up on the pc during my ‘playtime’ was through doing it in secret and sometimes promising myself that I would simply NEVER EVER touch the pc again to avoid such situations at ALL COST where I believed that I will just ‘give up’ this point of exploration if it meant not having to face conflict/friction – going into the opposite polarity which is again: not changing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was faced with my father being angry at me having messed things up on the pc after my ‘play time’ and experiencing inner turmoil in relation to my father’s anger – have immediately looked at how I can change my behaviour in terms of avoiding conflict where I believed that what must change is my external environment and where I completely disregarded the issue as my inner experience as turmoil within fear and anxiety – where I did not once asked myself : ‘wait, why am I experiencing myself this way? Do I have to experience myself this way? This experience is within me, can’t I just change it?’ but instead manipulated my movement to secrecy in order to avoid inner conflict in the face of outer conflict, which meant that the conflict was still within me, all it needed was the right trigger – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I remove the trigger to particular experiences inside myself as fear/anxiety in relation to anger outbursts – that my problem is ‘fixed’ – not seeing and realising that the trigger was never the problem but the experience which was already pre-existent within and as me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to besides taking on my inner experience, to also not have looked at how I could approach playing around on the pc without creating damage due to ignorance on my part where I did not yet completely understand what consequences are created through particular actions on a pc – where I absolutely wanted to discover things through ‘trial and error’ without first doing my homework as in reading up about computers and how these things work as other people have already investigated pcs and what is the best way to do particular things to get a particular result – or asking someone to show me around, as this would have saved me lots of breaking and screwing up things at the expense of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had the right to go and play around on the pc without getting some background first, where I believed it was unfair for my father to get angry at me when things would break/malfunction within the pc because I believed that I was not doing anything ‘wrong’ as I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to consider anything beyond myself and my own experience and only wanted to have ‘fun’ without taking into consideration how my version of ‘fun’ could create damage to others

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realised that such events were never about ‘me’ and ‘my self-expression’ where I believed such incidents to be indicators that I am ‘not good enough’ and that ‘I should hide’ – where these points were my own interpretation of the events which I decided on and brought into being/reality through my belief/participation within them – and where I failed to look beyond my limited existence and realise that it’s not all about me and that I did not yet take everything into consideration and was creating unnecessary consequence for myself and others, where instead of addressing my attitude, I attempted to address my environment leaving everything unchanged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since my father was reacting in anger and I was reacting within fear/anxiety/crying – that because of the nature of the energy he was expressing as ‘anger’ I believed that he must be wrong and that I was right because I was crying, which makes him the ‘bad guy’ and me the ‘poor girl’– where just because I believed anger to be ‘wrong’ I did not look at whether at some level or another he has a point, but immediately went into self-victimization and self-righteousness

Related articles

• Day 204 - Self judgment and Aggression
• Day 19 - Thats NOT FAIR!
• Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
• Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
• Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
• Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being