Day 179: You Reap what You Sow

This blog is part of my Eating Disorder Series that I am walking, and specifically in continuation to: Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within an Eating Disorder thinking and believing that participating within it would only affect me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider how my participation within generating/developing and maintaining an Eating Disorder may influence others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been shocked and surprised when I saw some of my friends follow into my footsteps – where they had seen the change within me and followed foot in the pursuit of losing weight – where an event like this needed to happen to give me a wake-up call and re-evaluate what I am doing at the cost of others

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise how I was feeding into the same cycle that contributed to me developing an Eating Disorder and where I was now the one triggering / feeding in to others developing Eating Disorders

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated within self-destructive behaviour and within doing so directly supported self-destructive behaviour within others – even if it hadn’t been my intention to do so – it had been implied by my actions as my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I could not expect others to not do as I was doing – after all I was doing it so it would be hypocritical to not want others to do the same

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have simply swallowed “the bitter truth” as seeing my friends go down the same path where I secretly within myself “wished them luck” on the road down the rabbit hole – where I saw that the only way I would be able to correct this is if I stop and correct myself and get them out of this mindfuck before it got worse - but was not willing to give my Eating Disorder up and within that left my friends to their own devices

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not stopped myself and not have stopped my friends from participating within self-destructive behaviour such as ED because I was too scared to give it up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made the deliberate decisions to not step in and prevent harm from being done unto my friends by themselves because I was not yet willing to give up my own self-harm as I believed that ED was all there was to my life and if I give this up now I will be left with nothing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to overrule common sense where I let fear get the better of me and not intervene where I saw I could within preventing my friends from generating an eating disorder

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have taken self-responsibility for my actions and the consequences which arose out of them where I did not do anything when my friends starting dabbling with Eating Disorder behaviour because I was too scared to stop myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seized the moment I saw I should speak and tell my friends to stop and not go down that road and explain the exact nature of what it is they’re about to get themselves into and within that make the decision to stop myself and correct myself right then and there and stand as a proper example

Day 111: Is Crying a Sign of Weakness?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 109: Stop Crying! Everyone's watching You!
Day 110: Fear as Quick Fix Parenting Technique

 

When and as I see myself react to feeling like crying or seeing another cry/about to cry and react to this within thinking and judging it as being ‘weak’, ‘shameful’ and something that ‘shouldn’t be done in public’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise where this idea comes from as an idea that is imposed unto reality and has no valid basis – and so I commit myself to let go of the ideas and judgments and allow myself to be here and ground myself within and as my human physical body through breath


When and as I see myself listening to an authority figure such as parents – and simply accepting every word which is being said without looking at its implications and testing it for myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am allowing myself to ‘zone out’ and just absorb which is a form of abdicating self-responsibility, where I place the accuracy of the information as a responsibility of the authority figure where I am not in a position to question this – and so I commit myself to snap out of this zombie mode and listen actively to every word spoken and test the words to see if they are indeed common sense and best for all


When and as I see myself reacting to someone telling me to stop doing something because everyone is looking at me and then considering to stop because of this argument – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that “everyone’s watching you” is only a valid argument if I allow it to be, but is only valid if one allows fear of what others think of you to have power over oneself and so I commit myself to within that moment stop, breathe and check what is actually going on instead of immediately wanting to stop due to the all wining “everyone’s watching you” argument


I commit myself to disengage the relationship connections within myself between ‘crying’ and: ‘weak’, ‘shameful’ and ‘not in public’


When and as I see myself getting angry/irritated at someone when they use the ‘Stop doing this or that, everyone’s watching you’-card – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am only angry because I am accepting and allowing the “Stop doing this or that, everyone’s watching you’-card to work in terms of allowing it to induce a negative energy charge/experience within me upon which I then stop whatever I am doing, because I do fear everyone watching me – and so I commit myself to assume Self-Responsibility within not participating within reactions of anger/irritation and to not let the factor of ‘everyone’s watching you’ to play a role within my Self-Direction


When and as I see myself experiencing a negative energy charge to the point of crying as ‘weakness’, ‘shame’ and ‘embarrassment’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am acting upon a programmed response-pattern integrated during childhood and so I commit myself to correct myself and let go of the associations of weakness, shame and embarrassment and to unconditionally explore the manifestation of crying as myself


When and as I see myself reacting within anger to someone using my own emotions against me – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is no-one to blame but myself through allowing myself to be directed and stimulated by emotions and feelings to guide my actions rather than common sense principled living – and so I commit myself to snap out of the anger/blame mode and take responsibility for my inner-reality


When and as I see myself wanting to hide or suppress my tears when I feel tears well-up – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am still holding on to the belief that crying is ‘weak’, ‘shameful’ and ‘embarrassing and should thus not be done in public’ and so I commit myself to not suppress and hide but cry right then and there just to get over with it


When and as I see myself access the belief that ‘people will think badly of you’ is a valid argument as to why one should not do something – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is just one of the many belief patterns we copy blindly from our parents as society as being a ‘valid’ and ‘meaningful’ argument, while it is not at all – and so I commit myself to disengage this belief and allow myself to use practical common sense insight


When and as I see myself accessing the belief that doing anything where people might possibly be thinking badly of you as being a ‘ No No’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is simply a belief, and beliefs can be disregarded and so I commit myself to let go and not use this factor as a meaningful component in my every day decision-making


When and as I see myself wanting to use negative reinforcement to get someone to behave the way I want them to, by deliberately saying and doing things of which I know will create a negative experience inside the other that will ‘shut them down’ as wanting a ‘quick fix’ to whatever I am faced with – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that such a reaction as a ‘quick fix’ does not come without consequence and is thus not a real fix at all and so I commit myself to within those moments breathe, slow down, investigate what is going on and act within common sense rather than impulsiveness as fear


I commit myself to bring about a world where Parents are educated in the ways of the Mind so that they can be Fit Parents capable of parenting and educating their children to truly prepare them to Live Effectively within this world as will happen within an Equal Money System

Related articles

• Day 109: Stop Crying! Everyone's watching You!
• Day 110: Fear as Quick Fix Parenting Technique
• Day 95: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party - Part 2
• Day 78: Self-Rejection
• Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party

Day 108: Compromising Over Fear

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 106: Regret
Day 107: Showing my True Colours

When and as I see myself in a situation where something requires direction and then imagine myself what I would have to do to give it direction and within that react within fear towards the steps involved, and allow this fear to direct me where I 'walk away' from doing what requires to be done from the starting point of fear of facing my fear -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that these fear points are not valid reasons as to why I should not do what needs to be done, and so I commit myself to not allow myself to let fear direct me but commit myself to stand as the directive principle and move myself to act according to principle instead of experience

When and as I see myself in a situation where something needs to be done, and see that there may be certain 'complications' as per my interpretation of things -- and then allow my fear of moving through those points be part of the decision-making equation -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that these fear factors do not belong in a decision-making equation that concerns what is best for all life, as I have seen, realised and understood that emotions and feelings open a door to compromise and abuse within making decisions, and so I commit myself to reassess my priorities and remove the fear factors from the equation and work with what is actually relevant

When and as I see myself in a situation where something requires to be done, but have 'reservations' about this -- where I hesitate and doubt whether I should or shouldn't give it direction, and where I will look at how intense my fear is and how much I care about requires to be done -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am working with a dysfunctional value system within myself, where I am valuing self-limitation as fear more than doing what is best for all life -- where I rather hold on to my limited existence of non-change than walking out of my comfort zone and do something real

When and as I see myself in a situation where something requires to be done, and weigh out my fears in relation to the steps I have to take and compare it to the weight of 'how much I care' about what needs to be done -- where this doesn't even necessarily carry any energetic charge, as it's just a seeing that it requires to be done -- and then decide that because my fear is so intense that I should side with that and then walk away and feel a constriction in my chest knowing that I am cheating myself and being a coward by walking away from what needs to be done out of fear of walking through change -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this experience is here for a reason, and that if my decision has been clear, there would be no such experience present and so I commit myself to stop, retrace my steps and correct myself before it is too late

When and as I see myself in a situation where something require to be done, and see that I may have to explain myself to figures of authority as to why I am doing what I am doing and where they may possibly disagree -- and based on that do not want to commit myself to do what needs to be done -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have created an idea about 'authority' as if it something that you can't do anything about, or where it is difficult to get through -- where I've accepted and allowed myself throughout my life to place blind trust within the concept of authority without every questioning if what they stand for is in fact substantial and real and where I've accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as being intimidated and set myself up to simply obey as to not cause any trouble-- and so I commit myself to walk through my fear of dealing with authority and commit myself to investigate the concept of authority within me through self reflective writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements and application, so that I no longer accept and allow myself to compromise myself out of fear but stand by principle

When and as I see myself in a situation where something requires direction, and where I see I might face resistance on what I want to do coming from figures of authority, and then within that immediately want to 'withdraw' myself from the situation where I do not want to do anything and just 'walk away' out of the fear/belief that I will not be confident enough to explain myself and make a fool out of myself and get into trouble -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that a situation like this shows me where I still require to work on myself, in this case 'self-confidence' and so I commit myself to take note of the points I have to work on, but do not allow these points to have a space in my decision-making and instead walk through the fear and gift myself an opportunity to change

When and as I see myself in a situation where something requires direction but let fear override common sense practical consideration and then make myself feel less bad about my decision through employing positive, hopeful thoughts that make what I just did 'seem okay' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and reaise that those 'positive' and 'cheerful' thoughts reveal the true nature of me as dark and evil, where I am more concerned with maintaining my limited existence of self interest than doing something which is in the best interest of all -- where instead of seeing what I have done and be frank about it with myself, I use positive thoughts to cover up my actions and suppress what little common sense was left in me

Related articles

• Day 107: Showing my True Colours
• Day 89: Holding Back
• Day 61: Self-Disappointment
• Day 155 - Am I ready.
• Day 92: Always Expect the Worst - Part 2

Day 79: What Have I Done?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie
Day 78: Self-Rejection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I saw my nephew do the exact same thing when I was younger, as in laughing at things on the same show without knowing what exactly was funny about it – have seen this as the ‘perfect opportunity’ to get back for myself what I perceived had been ‘stolen from me’ – where I felt like it was now my turn / time to be in a superior position, and decided to ‘catch him out’ in what he was doing, the same way as how my siblings had done to me – where I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was my ‘right’ to do this and that it was now my turn to make someone else feel bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have caught out my nephew in what he was doing as laughing at things where he didn’t really know what he was laughing at – from the starting point of ‘getting back’ at my brother and sister through making my nephew feel bad – where I went and stole his energy for the sake of compensating the energy I had lost when I was smaller when the same thing happened with my siblings and me – where I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was now ‘getting even’ within catching out my nephew in what he was doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have caught out my nephew in what he was doing as laughing at things there he didn’t really know what he was laughing at – without for a moment considering how this would affect him even though I had experienced first-hand what I went through when it happened to me – where I only cared about getting an energy surge from catching him out on his pretence and within that feel all high and mighty within having busted him for something I could clearly see he was not comfortable with (in terms of not getting the humour) – where I felt so clever for having picked up on this and having caught him out so I could make myself feel better about myself within making him feel worse about himself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just have gone ‘with it’ when seeing the opportunity to gain back the energy I once lost as a child – where I immediately went, ‘yes, yes – this is what I must do let me do this’ in an almost “Gollum” like way, being single-mindedly focused on getting my precious energy back without considering the consequence of my actions or how my actions would influence the other person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been shocked at what I was seeing as the expression on my nephew’s face after I had ‘caught him out’ – as all of a sudden I found myself being faced with myself all those years ago and it was as if I was staring myself in the face – and the face was hurt, where I felt like I had cheated on myself within doing unto him what had been done unto me without for a moment considering that for me to feel good, I would have to make him feel bad – which was exactly how it played out/what happened – but then as I was faced with his expression I only too late realised the ‘reality’ of what I had done, where I had been so concerned/obsessed with only my own personal “wellbeing” that I completely forgot/disregarded how I had felt when it had been done unto me – and so I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to within that moment where I saw the opportunity to do unto another as had been done unto me – to have stopped within the realisation that I did not like what had happened, and that it would thus be hypocritical / a lie to do it unto another, and within that moment stop participating within the temptation of energy and ground myself back here within my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘after the facts’ as seeing the hurt expression on my nephews face and realising what I just had done – have gone and hide behind my mom because the realisation of what I had done was just too painful/uncomfortable to bear – as I had been very upset at my brother and sister for what they had done all those years ago and yet I now had placed myself in that exact same position – where I felt like I was completely evil and went into regret as shame and embarrassment for having cheated on myself within making my nephew feel how I did not want to feel – and where instead of looking at what I had done and what processes were involved to get to a point of accumulation where I acted out what had been done unto me and correcting myself – I went into hiding and suppression and try to forget what just had happened because I found myself too shocked/perplexed to handle what had just happened / what I had just done – where I went to hide behind my mom and kind of suck on my fingers/play with them in my mouth as a point of self-suppression instead of taking responsibility for what I had done – although I also see / realise / understand that I could only have done so much within not having been taught/educated on how the mind processes work and why I was tempted to do unto my nephew what had been done unto me – where at the same time I would have been able to use myself as a reference within the point of being aware that I was acting out a form of ‘payback’ and kind of in the back of my mind knowing that this was ‘not cool’ – where I could have stopped myself right then and there just on that point

Related articles

• Day 78: Self-Rejection
• Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
• Day 73: What do I feel like doing?
• Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie
• Day 68: My Mind, My Saviour

Day 78: Self-Rejection

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked by my brother and sister, because I perceived them to be ‘more’ than me within being ‘older’ and within being able to ‘read and write’ – which I saw as two major access points into participating within this world, as words are everywhere and I at that time did not yet have access to this part of reality, but they did – where I accepted and allowed myself to define them within myself as ‘superior’ for having this skill/ability and within that defined myself as ‘inferior’ inside myself within not being able to read/write or even understand English

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to show that I was unable to follow the show because I was not able to understand English nor read the Dutch subtitles and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had defined myself as ‘stupid’ and ‘less than’ within not being able to read/understand English and so not being able to ‘pick up’ on the humorous points within the show

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to hide that I was not able to understand the humour because I was unable to read or understand English – where I wanted my siblings to see me as an ‘equal’ whereas I saw myself as ‘weak’ for not being able to read or understand English, where I feared that if this were to become ‘public knowledge’, that they would reject me from their group and that I would be left alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘prove’ myself to my brother and sister and show that I can do what they can and participate within the same things within the starting point of fear as being left behind – where I faked being able to do what they were able to do to seek acceptance and validation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have closely monitored my brother and sisters behaviour while watching the show so that I would laugh when they laughed, to pretend that I was able to understand what was going on and that I liked the same things they liked – so I could be part of the group

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to closely monitor my brother and sister’s reactions as laughter so that I could ‘pick up’ when something funny was happening and quickly ‘join in’ as to not feel being left out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when my brother and sister laughed to check whether I’d laugh just because they were laughing – have gone into anger and embarrassment within realising what just happened, where my ‘game’ had just been exposed and where I felt weak, inferior and clueless – but where instead of looking at my reaction and the nature of my behaviour – went into anger and blame where I saw their actions as mean and deliberate, where I blamed them for the way I was experiencing

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the reason why I went into anger, blame, inferiority – was not because of my brother and sister – but because what I was doing had just been openly exposed, where I already before anything happened was judging myself for my inability to read / understand English and thus unable to understand the humour – and where within that moment of them exposing me, these inherent feelings came out more intensified – but instead of taking self-responsibility I placed the responsibility within the hands of my brother and sister within “them making me feel this way” – without seeing and realising that the anger is only here because I already knew what I was doing towards myself within the relationship that I was busy creating towards myself, but did not do anything about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have blamed my brother and sister for how I was experiencing myself within the belief/perception/idea that they had done ‘injustice’ unto me – without seeing and realising that I was the one being unjust with myself within making myself feel dumb, stupid, weak, inadequate and inferior – and where they within that moment merely triggered these already existent emotions/definitions inside myself to come up to the surface – and so I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let go of this memory and the anger as negative energy attached to this memory – as I now see/realise/understand that this moment was merely an opportunity for me to see and realise what I had been doing to myself, but where I did not take responsibility for myself and my experience and also could not have within not having been taught the proper tools to deal with my own inner reality – and so I allow myself to let go of this memory as the various energies attached to it and embrace what happened as me within seeing/realising what happened and what requires to be done on my part to sort myself out


When and as I see myself accessing the idea that ‘older age’ means that someone is ‘more than’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is an idea that older people like to implement/use because It gives them an advantage as an unquestioned authority to keep doing what they’re doing without having anyone question them just on this point of ‘age’ and so I commit myself to let go of all value/meaning I attached to the point of someone being ‘older’ so that I can stop manipulating myself into submission just because of this belief

When and as I see myself accessing the belief that someone who can read and write is ‘more than’ someone who is not able to read and write – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that reading and writing are not skills one are born with, but skills that require to be taught within consistency – and so this does not carry any form of ‘inherent value’ as whether one is able to read and write is dependent on the environment one finds themselves within and what stage in life one is – and so I commit myself to let go of this value system/belief and when faced with this point to breathe and ground myself within my human physical body

When and as I see myself reacting within inferiority when faced with a skill/ability that I have not yet integrated as myself but that others have – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that having this skill is dependent on practice and so there is no point of impose inferiority unto myself as these only limits me and so I commit myself to take on the practice of the skill/ability that I am faced with within the realisation that this skill/ability doesn’t just come ‘out of nowhere’ but takes time, dedication and support to develop

When and as I see myself reacting within shame and embarrassment with regards to not having mastered a particular skill and where I want to hide this – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that if I am going to hide my inability to do something, then I am only going to keep myself within not being able to do something – and so I commit myself to stop participating within shame, embarrassment, judgment and so in hiding – as I see/realise/understand that there is no need for any form of judgment and that hiding is in fact counterproductive – instead I set myself up to open up the point of wanting to learn this new skill/ability and allow myself to move/grow instead of judging myself and holding on to my self-limitation

When and as I see myself access the belief that if one does not know a particular skill/ability that one will be rejected/left alone – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this belief merely reflects my attitude towards myself where I reject myself within being unable to do something, and so it is and has never been about ‘me proving myself to others’ – but ‘me proving myself to me’ within the belief that there was something wrong with me and within that very statement reject myself – and so I commit myself to stop participating within this belief and fear and commit myself to investigate the nature of my self-rejection and address it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I see myself wanting to or being busy monitoring others’ behaviour within ‘looking for clues’ on how to act – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this merely indicate insecurities within myself and so I commit myself to stop participating within this pattern, breathe, ground myself here as my human physical body and investigate the nature of the insecurity within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I see myself shaping/moulding my behaviour in order to be able to be part of a group – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that me wanting to change/mould myself and my expression indicate a problem with my self-relationship within and towards myself and so I commit myself to stop participating within this pattern – breathe, be here within and as my human physical body and investigate /take apart the point within writing and Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I see myself reacting within anger, frustration, embarrassment, shame, inferiority to something another says or does and within that go into an immediate movement of blame – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this moving into blame is me not taking responsibility for myself and my inner reality/relationship with myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and so I commit myself to be grateful for this event/situation as an opportunity to get to know myself better and re-construct my relationship with myself to one that is Best for All Life