I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the inevitable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny the call for change - both internally and externally
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that things need to change, that there is no such thing as retaining and maintaining the status quo - because the status quo is part of a dynamic movement which is a downward spiral - and to 'keep things as is' is to keep the downward spiral in place - where even though everything 'seems alright' and there's no 'apparent need for change' - it's only because of the current position I am in within the trend, like a boat on a river that is doing fine, even though the pace of the river is ever so slightly speeding up, hinting at an eventual massive waterfall. BUT because the waterfall is not yet here, it's not yet in sight - I tell myself that everything is okay, that I can ignore the changes that are hinting and indicating the inevitable. Within this placing myself in a position of friction - where I can see, but pretend to not see, want to ‘unsee’ and every moment I act in denial of the changes taking place, the friction, the inner conflict builds
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to the old, the familiar, the known - while at the same time seeing that holding on to the old, the familiar and the known is to my detriment -- being torn between the pain of changing and the pain of the consequences of remaining the same
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in letting go of the old, to change and adapt - that I would rather ‘go down with the ship’ than changing course and direction while I still can - even if the outcome of that is unknown -- the going down of the ship is known
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for consequences to manifest, to wait for a point where there is a certain level of ‘too lateness’ yet have a definitive conclusion that ‘this wasn’t the way to go’ - to only then change, by force, through circumstance, instead of me having directed me when there was still more ‘playroom’ and more options available
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that for me to take action and act on the changes of the currents, that I need to be perfectly clear inside myself, instead of seeing and realizing that I need to move and act despite the inner challenges and struggles, that the inner challenges and struggles are part of the process, part of the change, part of the ‘growing pains’
Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be kind and considerate towards myself and the rifts and ripples I go through and yet to not allow these rifts and ripples to stop me from moving forward
For a while now I have been going through all the various
recordings Bernard has made throughout the years in order to sort through the
content and compile them into books by topic. The History of Desteni
– Volume 1 being the first such publication. While going through the
interviews and deciding how to sort them, I often come across interviews that
‘hit me home’ in terms of a particular point or dimension I am walking and
investigating for myself.
This time, it was a discussion on the word: Hope.
It was particularly timely as I had also listened to the
latest Life Reviews Holding Back and Imprisoning My Life Part
1 and Part
2. If you haven’t listened to them, I strongly suggest you do so as it
gives extra angle/perspective into the particular topic of this blog. (If you
don’t have them, leave a comment along with your e-mail address and I might
gift it to you ;-) )
Hope – for many a word with a very positive connotation. The
little light that shines at the darkest hour. In recent days, maybe even weeks,
I have been looking at my relationship with Hope and in how many ways and forms
I participate in hope – without necessarily being aware that it constitutes as
hope.
At first, I was using hope as a way to move myself.
That things may not be as bad as they look.
That anything could happen at any time that would turn
things around 180 degrees.
That maybe something exciting will happen during my day that
I may not know of – and it’s just waiting to happen, so I better get out of
bed!
It worked for a while, I got myself moving, dived into
projects, enthused that great things would be coming my way.
But then – my schedule would fall in the water (which is
kind of a chronic condition when you have a toddler) or things beyond my
control would freeze my efforts. Or I worked really hard on something and the
results were naught. The next day – I was experiencing what I dub a ‘Hope
Hangover’.
I didn’t quite understand my experience. I had been ‘so full
of energy’ (well, that should have already made some bells ring *oops*) the day
before and I had ‘such a positive outlook’ – why was I feeling so low and
exhausted today? On a purely physical level – there was nothing that could
explain my drained experience. I hadn’t been overexerting myself, Cesar managed
to not use me as a mattress for most of the night resulting in a pretty good
night’s sleep – everything was working out quite okay in my reality – so why
this crash?
I didn’t figure it out until later that night, when I slowed
down in bed before sleeping and went over the last few days in microscopic
detail. I hadn’t realised how much I had been participating in hope because I
hadn’t actually used the word ‘hope’ in any of my thoughts. I hadn’t even been
participating in verbal thoughts all that much. And then I realised how many
small positive movements occurred within me throughout the days. Where I may be
thinking of something, and simply because the particular object of my thoughts
has a positive energy charge attached to it – I’m actually going into an
experience of Hope.
Or maybe I am scrolling through Instagram, and a particular
picture triggers a slight positive reaction inside myself – so slight, so
undefined – it’s a pretty picture, of course I should admire it, right? Getting
excited about a project idea that’s come to mind. Seems innocent enough right?
A slight positive experience as I start working through my to-do list. Well, I
should be positively moved – I am being all productive and shit, right? This is
how successful people get things done! Yeah, role model stuff happening right
here.
Right?
Or maybe not.
Maybe all that positivity is just there to cloak what’s
really going on inside: fear, powerlessness and most of all =a lack of self-trust.
The hope that – maybe if I was living that person’s life
things would be easier for me.
Why?
Because I don’t trust that I can change despite what environment I am in
The hope that if I work on this project we can bring more
people into the Desteni group.
Why?
Because I fear that people don’t move themselves to investigate things unless
they are prompted to, as I don’t trust that I can move myself out of my own
self-will.
The hope that if I keep myself busy and diligently work
through my to do list that people will be inspired.
Why?
Because I haven’t established the trust to be passionate myself through sheer
common sense and understanding. That's why I move from fear instead of understanding.
Now, I’m not saying one shouldn’t like things on Instagram,
not come up with any ideas/new projects or not work through your to-do list.
The point I am making is that our starting point in how and why we engage in
our reality determines how we will experience ourselves and move ourselves.
What if I am ever forever stuck in the living conditions I
have now? What if things don’t get better, but worse? Will it change who I am?
Will it change what I stand for? Does it mean I will give up on pushing for a
better world for all, equally?
What if people don’t come and join Desteni, and we remain a
relatively small group – or get disintegrated all together? Does it change
anything for who I am and what I stand for? Will I turn my back and submit that
the world is ‘just the way it is’?
What if doing my best and getting as many things done as
possible does not reap any results? Will I regret how I spent my time? Will I
wish that I could have ‘not wasted my time’? Or will I stand by who I am and what
I do – unconditionally – regardless of the outcome?
These are small examples of ways where can still be stuck in
the Design of Hope. Where we focus on our external reality to (magically)
change or suddenly support us – while on a deep level not being there for
ourselves.
What are we waiting for?
Are we waiting for things to get better, before we will
diligently stop our thoughts and emotions and live in every breath? Or do we
move ourselves in every breath because we have proven to ourselves that the old
way, the way of the mind for sure does not reap the best benefits for everyone
in this world, equally?
Are we waiting for someone else to stand up, to prove that
stopping your mind and moving your trust and faith in Life makes things better
for everyone in the world including yourself, in fact? Or are we going to be
that person for ourselves, because the proof has been in our face countless
times – and we have just that mustard seed of self-honour to stop torturing
ourselves?
Are we going to wait for Desteni to become more financially
successful because money has been deemed to be the ultimate sign and beacon of
truth, success and validity in this world (which is a highly dubious conviction
in itself)? Or are we going to move ourselves unconditionally because in our
being we know that what has become of this world and ourselves is disgraceful
and have decided: No More!
The more we hope for circumstances to change ‘for the
better’ the more we confirm the belief that ‘I cannot do it’ , ‘I’m incapable’.
And that's why I had a 'Hope Hangover'. Because all my movements had been conditional, to achieve something, to appease something. And when those conditions weren't met -- down, down the rabbit hole you go.
Investigate all the various ways you are still participating
in Hope and show to yourself how Abandoning All Hope – to make the decision to
develop Trust in Yourself – can be the most empowering move you can make.
Here’s a video by Matti which he made closely after Bernard
discussed the word ‘Hope’ :
And here are some blogs I wrote around the same time linking
in to this, when I went through tickbite fever:
When and as I see myself monitoring the behaviour of a new bird in comparison
to birds of the past -- specifically looking to 'match' the behaviour
in order to classify it under 'bird that made it' and 'bird that didn't
made it' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am trying to dig into the past in order to find out what the future
is going to look like, where I am constantly jumping back and forth in
order to get some 'information' and within that completely missing what
is here as
the moment, as things unfold in breath -- which is the only moment where
I can make a true assessment -- and so I commit myself to snap myself
out of the going back and forth, breathe, ground myself as my human
physical body and let go of the need to control and allow myself to enjoy the moment for what it is
When and as I see myself react to seeing Puf bop her head down with fear
-- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am immediately
connecting this physical presentation feature to memories with similar
features where birds bopped their head down and later died, where I then
go into fear
of the same thing happening to Puf -- so I commit myself to within that
moment stop the fear, breathe, be here as my human physical body and
unconditionally participate in the moment
When and as I see myself keeping a close eye on the behaviour of a new
bird from the starting point of seeing whether I should relax or worry
-- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that neither being
'relaxed' as being 'nonchalant' or the polairty as being 'worried' is
going to make a different to what is actually going on, and is in no way
going to 'change the future' or alter the outcome just by changing
my mood -- what matters is physical action as keeping an eye on things
and intervene when necessary -- and not to be constantly and continuasly
in a particular 'mood' -- whether positive or negative -- wherein I compromise my effectiveness in dealing with what is here within looking at things within judgment
where I can interpret things 'optimistically' and miss things or
interpret things 'pessimistically' and make things up -- and so I commit
myself to snap myself out of wanting to find out 'how I should feel' --
instead I breathe, ground myself within my human physical body and
commit myself to trust myself to pick up behavioural changes which require intervention when necessary -- and act
When and as I see myself to into a want/desire/believe that I need a
sense of control -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am
taking on this stance in order to manage my inner reality as
thoughts,feelings and emotions -- where I believe that if I am able to
predict the future/outcome of the bird I can already 'prepare' myself
before it happens so that when it happens I can suppress the experience
appear to not be affected and so I commit myself to stop wanting control
as this wanting control indicates a fear of a particular
experience/event and so I move myself to investigate my relationship
with that which I fear and dissect my experience within Self
Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements, so that whatever happens: I
am here
When and as I see myself embracing the motto of "Always expect the worst, then you can't get disspointed' when experiencing anxiety/uncertainty
in relaiton to a particular outcome -- I stop and I breathe -- I see
and realise that suiting myself up with this motto is not an actual solution to my experience but merely a suppression mechanism where I want to put up a 'brave face' where I hope that if I take this point on that I will not be affected/emotional if the worst case scenario does happen and so I commit myself to stop myself within that moment of thinking
"Better expect the worst" and look at what it is that I fear and my
experience in relation to it within writing, instead of suppressing it
When and as I see myself wanting to adopt the attitude of "Always expect
the worst, like that you can't get disappointed" in relation to an
outcome where I fear I may be affected by it -- I stop and I breathe -- I
see and realise that I have accepted
and allowed judgment to exist within and as me towards being sad/crying
when something happens like the death of an animal -- where I believe
that it is 'weak' to demonstrate such behaviour and fear being judged
for it and so I commit myself to investigate my relationship
with showing how I feel/experience myself within judgment of 'weakness'
and I commit myself to within that moment stop and look at how I am
judging myself and let go of the fear/judgment and allow myself to
breathe, be here and simnply take things as they come
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I learn that there is a new birdie to be taken care of -- go both into a point of excitement and gloom -- where I am excited about meeting the new birdie and getting to know him and at the same time go into a point of 'gloom' of 'what if the bird does not make it' and -- "I shouldn't get ahead of myself, for all I know it'll be dead tomorrow or in the next few days"
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I learn that there is a new birdie -- go into the past as memories as having had fun with birds in the past, where it was cool to be around them, play with them and simply observe them interact with reality -- where I within that moment go and access all the 'positively' charged memories -- and get excited about the prospect of being able to 're-live' those moments as re-living the positive energies associated with the memories
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when i learn that there is a new birdie -- go into the past as memories has having been sad in relation to birds upon finding out that they were hurt and thus probably going to die or upon finding out that they died -- where within that moment I go and access all of the 'negatively' charged memories -- and get sad about the prospect of possible 're-living' those moments as re-living the negstive energies associates with the memories
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to information in my environment/reality within automated reaction -- where I go and dig up all related/similar past events and upload them within and as me -- and use these memories as the various pictures and energies as emotions and feeling to 'define' the current moment -- and within this context, define my relationship with the found bird -- where I within that moment of receiving the information that there is a new birdie, and uploading/recycling the various memories of the past, I mold and shape my starting point of interaction with the birdie based on the past as past relationships with other birds -- where I limit my participation/interaction within the limited framework of the past as what I have already experienced/gone through -- and within that completely lose the moment / hereness of what is actually going on -- as I filter every moment through the past and put myself in a position where I am unable to assess/see any given moment/situation for what it is
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created/established a relationship of hope/fear with the new birdie, even before I met it -- based on past experiences/memories -- where I hope to have an enjoyful relationship with the bird and at the same timefear losing the bird already
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a mode of 'reservefulness' -- where I accepted and allowed myself to 'hold back' within myself and interaction with the bird -- where I first want to see how things go and what is going to happen before I will allow myself to just be here and play/share with the birdie -- out of fear of being hurt when / if it dies
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by setting myself up to be 'reserved' I am in fact already placing myself within an experience of 'loss' -- where I am not allowing myself to actually be here and participate/interact with the birdie unconditionally -- and within that already 'take away' that which I fear losing as simply being comfortable and having fun with the bird -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within a distorted sense of wanting to be in control of the situation, go and deny myself having fun with the bird -- so that it is ME deciding to deny myself this, where it is not something 'happening' to me to which I react -- where I believe that because I am initiating the point of witholding as not allowing myself to unconditionally enjoy the bird -- that I am in control and will not get hurt if the birdie dies, as I never allowed myself to get close to the bird in the first place
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is in fact a waste to be 'reserved' and to 'hold back' -- as I am merely denying myself to bere here, comfortable -- whether or not something happens to the bird -- where within just being here, comfortable and sharing/expressing, I am making the best out of being here with the bird, regardless of 'how much time' spent with the bird in terms of lifespan -- and where if I hold myself back/ am reserved -- I am merely compromising myself and the bird for the sake of holding on to my fear
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to
as a kid when listening to the stories about ticks, tick bite fever and it
killing people – have accepted and allowed these stories to imprint ‘fear of
ticks’ as ‘fear of death’ within me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
as a kid when hearing stories about ticks, tick bite fever and death – have responded
to this within myself from a starting point of fear – where I within the moment
of hearing the stories allow myself to become completely irrational and be
possessed by this feeling of petrification of ‘what if this happens to me ‘, and
created a fear relationship with ticks instead of investigating the tick
phenomena and taking the practical steps / pre-cautions when necessary to
minimize the potential of being bitten by ticks – and thus I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an emotional
relationship as fear towards ticks where whenever I was in long grass would
pre-occupy my mind with ‘oh no what if there are ticks here’ and ‘I hope I don’t
get bitten’ and ‘Eeek! What was that itchy sensation I just felt on my leg!” –
where I allowed fear to possess me within every moment of my participation with
nature instead of me being here, having taking the precautions and from there
simply let go of the tick point – as I will either get bitten or not get bitten
and being in my mind thinking, worrying and generating this fear experience
will not make a damn difference to the outcome
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself
to see and realise – that before I ever heard of the tick stories I was fine
playing and having fun in the grass – whereas when had been fed information
about ticks (which when looking at it now was probably inaccurate / extremely exaggerated
for the sake of making it sound more ‘horrific’ than it really is) this
information now dominated my mind and changed my whole experience of being in
grass/nature – where all I could think about was ticks – and thus I forgive
myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this ‘new
information’ should in no way alter/change my behaviour/approach/expression
within nature – as the same “threat” existed before, but because I was not
aware of it, I did not allow it to limit my expression – whereas now I was ‘aware’
of the threat and allowed this to possess me as knowledge and information where
I altered my behaviour and approach to being within nature because of this one
point of ‘possibility’ – without seeing and realising that before I ever knew
about ticks, the possibilities as statistical probabilities of me getting
bitten by a tick were just the same – and so there’s really no reason why I
should now be around nature with a constant cloud of fear within my head, as
this will in no way change the possibility of me getting bitten by a tick or
not
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
have believed that my ‘fear of ticks’ was ‘keeping me safe from ticks’ – where I
believed that if I am possessed/pre-occupied with the fear of getting bitten by
a tick I will be more alert and will be able to keep ticks off me – where I traded
‘me being here as breath in every moment, trusting that I will deal with ticks
if and when I have to and having an enjoyable time in nature’ with ‘me living
in my head as fear of ticks as fear of death hoping religiously and faithfully
that if I keep fearing maybe the ticks won’t get to me while having no fun at
all in nature’ -- wherein the latter I allow myself to abdicate all
self-responsibility as I simply ‘hope’ that it won’t happen
What’s interesting with being in the hospital – was that the
exact same thing happened, where the doctor was now feeding me ‘horror stories’
of people dying/being badly affected by tick bite fever – and my mind going into that same fear frequency as it did when I
was a kid, where I allowed fear to override all common sense and was willing to
do anything to not make the horror story happen to me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
when the doctor told me that he was going to keep me in the hospital for a few
days because of those few rare cases where people die/get badly affected – have
gone into completely fear mode, allowing fear to override all common sense and
for a moment just be paralyzed and willing to comply with anything as long as
it would mean that I’d be safe from the horror stories
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
trust doctors blindly, because of the belief that ‘they are here to help people’
– without taking into consideration the Money Game which is currently behind every
doctors practice – where, if I had been here as breath it would have been
obvious to see that through his words he was scaring me into being admitted to
the hospital, as this would give the hospital/him income
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself
to unconditionally walk through an event – no matter what the outcome, within
the realisation that having ideas/back chat about the event is not going to
change/alter the outcome anyway – so why bother making the walk unpleasant by
creating an inner hell about it, which is totally unnecessary
