Day 234: Giving Up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into the illusion of giving up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can give up

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when all is apparently lost, then there is nothing more to lose and everything to gain

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that throughout not giving up or giving up or being in limbo - I am still here, I have always been here and will remain here

Day 233: Depression and Denial

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my focus on ‘getting through the day’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk my day in anticipation of my day being over, to wait for the time where I am ‘too tired to do anything’ and can go to sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a form of depression as a consequence of not directing my fearfulness - where I fear ‘my day’ but really fear myself within my day as I anticipate ‘more of the same’ to take place and be experienced

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a polarity towards the day and night, fearing and wanting to avoid the day, wanting the day to get ‘over and done with’ - while looking forward to the night where I can ‘shut down’ and basically ‘not be existent’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be existent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out the time and state as sleep where ‘nothing more is required of me’ because I’ve made myself believe that it is all too much and too overwhelming

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I make things too much and too overwhelming through my very relationship with the day and night, my relationship to being awake and not being awake - where each time I resist the day, the night ‘becomes sweeter’ and the ‘sweeter’ the night becomes, the more I resist the day - trapping myself in a compounded loop where I enhance my experiences, polarizing myself even more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be awake, to not want to be existent because I have on some level given up on myself, given up on the fact that I can change, that my experience can change, that I can be the directive principle of myself instead of a slave to my mind and emotional experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my depression by referencing my experience of fear and overwhelm, that ‘this is just the way things are’ and that there is ‘no way out’ and ‘no chance of change’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only reason I don’t want to be existent is because I have accepted my state and position as being a slave to the mind - where I am stuck in the haze of the ‘now’ of consciousness where no moment is ‘new’ as every moment is laid over and projected over by my mind 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my depression by saying that ‘nothing is changing’, looking for external change as a reward that I am ‘doing the right thing’

Within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to walk my process for myself, despite what may or may not be changing on the outside - where I have created conditions around my process that make it either ‘worth it’ or ‘not worth it’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fixated my process on ‘doing’ as what I am doing / not doing and what others are doing / not doing instead of focusing on Who I Am 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a chore out of process, a religion - where I ‘move’ and ‘do my corrections’ but do not do them as myself, but do them from a sense of ‘avoiding damnation’, of ‘having to do the right thing’ - from a ‘I have to’ not because ‘I want to’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have become a victim to myself, abdicating self-responsibility by blaming others for the actions and decisions I have made and the actions and decisions I have not made

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight and argue for my limitations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight and argue for my limitations instead of fighting and arguing for my expansion and growth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to defend my idea that I cannot be self-responsible, that I am not a creator, that I am not of Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and live in constant denial of my true nature, in denial of Oneness and Equality as an Equal Creator of Reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the belief that I am not a creator, that I am just a victim and a slave - not consider what it is I want to create for myself and everyone because apparently ‘that’s not even an option’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to believe or conceive that I am more than who I think and believe I am as a character - to only see and behold myself from a System’s perspective and have stopped seeing myself and who I am within the context of Life, as a Child of Life

Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning

This blog is a continuation to: Day 62: There Must be Something Wrong!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I gain knowledge of an event which is going to happen to which I have assigned a negative energy charge as a ‘dislike’ – pre-occupy my mind with this point/event where every moment where I am not busy doing something and have ‘a moment for myself’, I go and look up this point within myself and upload the negative energy attached to it, where I “entertain” myself with the point and the various backchat linked to it and then feel crappy until I am doing something again that takes my mind off of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must at any given time be experiencing something as energy – where if there is a moment of ‘nothingness’ I go and ‘fill in the blank’ by bring up something which I know I resist, just to have a form of experience as energy within and as me – so I can feel that I am ‘on track’ and ‘normal’ within always experiencing some form of energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within those mornings where I am clear within waking up – question my ‘lack of experience’ and deliberately go and look for something to experience, where I then go and pinpoint whatever point of resistance may be in the near future, bring the point here and allow this point to occupy myself and saturate myself with the energy connected to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require energy as experience to be able to function ‘normally’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require to wake up and have a particular experience as energy present/existent within me, to ‘set the tone’ of the day as a form of ‘guidance’ as to how I am going to be today and what I am going to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need energy to tell me what to feel and then to according to how I feel, tell me what to do / how to behave myself for the day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have abdicated self-responsibility within assigning direction to energy, where I expect energy to tell me how I am going to be and what I am going to do – instead of me directing and instructing myself within practical common sense and self-honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create friction within myself from the moment I wake up – where I believe that I require to have ‘some type of experience’, where I believe that I need to ‘define’ myself according to energy and ‘place’ myself for the day – and where the first thought/energy experience in the morning sets the tone/direction for the rest of the day – where whatever I do during my day will be ‘tainted’ by this initial energy as friction I experienced in the morning which determines what I do , how I do it and how I experience myself within doing it – complete self-enslavement


When and as I see myself accessing my ‘resistance point of the day’ within having a ‘moment for myself’ – where I am for a moment not doing anything/focusing on a particular task – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that within those ‘in-between moments’ where for a moment I am done with something and about to move to the next point and have ‘open range’ in my mind as I am not focussed at any task at hand, I go and look for a point to entertain myself with for a moment as to charge myself energetically before moving on to my next task, I see and realise that this is me seeing an ‘open space’ which needs to be filled where I believe that I must at all times be pre-occupied and that I cannot have a ‘quiet’ moment within myself. And so I commit myself to in those moments where I go and deliberately access points of resistance as energy to occupy/entertain myself momentarily in-between doing things, to stop and to breathe and ground myself within and as my human physical body, and simply allow myself this moment of quietness

When and as I see myself noticing an ‘empty spot’ / ‘blank space’ within and as myself within not having any particular energetic experience, and reacting to this emptiness within and as fear – where I believe I MUST be experiencing something at all times, that this is what Life is about – I STOP and I BREATHE – I see and realise that I have defined living as experiencing some form of energy at all times which is an illusion I have adopted for myself and so I commit myself to disillusion myself within trusting myself here within and as breath, as my human physical body and show myself that living does not take place within one’s individual mind as energy – but in communal physical existence

When and as I wake up in the mornings and see/realise that there is nothing on my mind and find this alarming and immediately want to go and look for stuff to think/worry about – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is just one of my many defense mechanisms as mind to ensure my continued survival as energy, which is me trapping myself into believing that I need/require energy to exist while me as my human physical body does not require mind energy – only the mind requires energy as friction to survive and so I commit myself to within those moments snap myself out of my fear/alarm –mode and to see/realise that I can be here within and as breath, as my human physical body and be perfectly fine without occupying myself with mind energies/experiences

When and as I wake up in the mornings just being here and then react to this within not having any energetic experience yet within me, within the belief that I MUST experience something in order to give my day ‘character’ and to ‘guide me’ into how I must conduct myself for the day – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this pattern is only limiting me where I limit myself for a whole day within the context/framework of a single thought/energy/emotion/feeling that I have in the morning, which then determines everything I do, how I do it and how I experience myself within it – which is just another way of saying that I am setting myself up to not be ‘here’ for the whole day, and select/set my ‘alternate reality’-experience for the day in which to entertain/distract myself from being here and taking self-responsibility – and so I commit myself to STOP right there in the moment of waking up and wanting to conjure up some experience and force myself to be HERE and direct myself within Self-Trust as I ground myself within and as breath and my human physical body

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Day 62: There Must Be Something Wrong!

I’ve noticed that whenever I come across a point as an event which I know is going to happen, but that I do not want to happen because I have resistance towards it – I will go and torture myself with this point in anticipation until it is over.

I had this mostly during my time in school – I’ve only noticed this pattern once in a while since I’ve moved to the farm.

At school this mostly had to do with performance projects like talking about a subject in front of a whole bunch of people – I really did not like that. I would then from the moment that I would get knowledge of the point, go into a ‘down’/’burdened’ state and just in general feel like blah. If the point was only due to take place within a week, I would for every day of that week feel all “blah”, with increasing intensity as the event/point would get closer.

In the mornings I would wake up, and feel fine like – aah, there my eyes open, it’s a new day, it’s so nice and comfy in my bed and the soft sheets, it’s so nice to wake up like this…. (I wouldn’t actually *think’ this stuff, it’s more the general sensation that would go through me while opening my eyes and stretching out in bed) – and then I would stop for a moment and go (the next part I would think): “This is not right, something’s out of place – why am I feeling fine?” And then I’d quickly scan through my memory as to what is supposed be wrong with my morning and how I am experiencing myself and then I’d hit the points like “Oh right, that project thing is happening tomorrow, and then there’s that other thing I have to do” and then BAM my ‘down’/’burdened’ energy mode kicks in, locks me in – and just like that in a split second my entire mood changes from being fine, embracing a new day to feeling heavy/depressed , not wanting to get out of bed and wondering why my life sucks so much – and then that energy/moods pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the day. And everyday I will do the same thing where every new morning getting closer to the point, it will get more ‘intense’ – until I am passed the point.

So a day or two ago, this pattern showed its face again and I saw how I was fucking up my whole day with just this one thought in the morning. This is not cool so within the next blog(s) I will be walking this point in Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Actions.

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Day 61: Self-Disappointment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore self-disappointment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem self-disappointment as ‘being of the mind’ and within that use it as an excuse to dismiss/ignore it – within believing/kidding myself that I am being directed by a ‘low’/’down’ energy/mood and that I must just ‘get out of it’ and not pay much attention to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the experience of self-disappointment within believing that I am being depressed – without seeing and realising that I am feeling depressed because I am not addressing my self-disappointment and then within that further disappointing myself to the point of depression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stand still within every experience I have – and truly investigate what it is about – instead of just trying to ‘brush it off’ as self-suppression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to address self-disappointment

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that self-disappointment can be real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of addressing self-disappointment, go into depression and further disappointment to a point where I am in complete aversion towards myself without looking at how I created this experience for myself – and then kid myself into believing that the depression is the problem without seeing/realising that the depression is merely an outflow/result of me knowing that I am disappointment with myself and not doing anything to get myself to a point where I am satisfied with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed with myself and believe this to just be a ‘mood swing’ with no further meaning/implication – which then leads me into depression within not addressing the point and then go into self-destructive behaviour in order to distract myself from taking responsibility for my self-disappointment which only makes things worse

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be true to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take note of self-disappointment and see/identify where I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and take self-responsibility within correcting the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within self-disappointment within the realisation that I haven’t been true to myself and within that bring myself down within ‘down energy’ which spirals out of control and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that judging myself for self-compromise with self-disappointment/regret does not in any way assist or support me but only distracts me from coming to the point of self-responsibility and changing my actions to a point where I can be satisfied with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when seeing the point of self-disappointment, go into an energetic experience/reaction towards the point as self-judgment where I want to ‘do something about it’ from an energetic starting point – where instead of being here, stable and correcting myself/taking self-responsibility – I go into a point of ‘making up’ and ‘punishing myself’ where I go into the opposite polarity / extreme and set goals/standards for myself which I can’t practically live up to and within that find myself in a strenuous position – and where when I come to the point where I realise that I didn’t and couldn’t live up to my new standard/goals – go into further self-judgment as self-victimization and failure in believing that “I am such a fuck up” – instead of seeing and realising that I had been unreasonable within myself within ‘wanting to make up for it’ where I was being too strict with myself and not allowing flexibility and so again = compromising myself. Same point, different picture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into all these various dimensions/directions in relation to self-disappointment – and within these various directions/dimensions never actually get to the point but just entertain myself with another energy dimension where I go and fuck around without ever coming to the point of correction/self-responsibility which inevitably only leads to more self-compromise and self-disappointment since this trapping myself in all these various dimensions/directions is itself again self-compromise and so within that I just keep the pattern/cycle going



When and as I see myself being disappointment with myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am indicating to myself that I am not yet completely satisfied with my application and that I could be more specific/effective within a particular point or points – and so I commit myself to trace back the point of disappointment so I can correct myself

When and as I see myself being disappointment with myself and dismissing/ignoring the point because there is a ‘negative energy’ attached to it and within that believing that it is “of the mind” – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the ‘negative energy’ is not inherent to the point of self-disappointment but is a negative energy which has come about through self-judgment and postponement – where I did not accept and allow myself to address the point of self-disappointment IMMEDIATELY within the very moment it opened up – but instead waited, judged it and left myself to wallow in my own self-pity and then believing this energy to be a part of ‘self-disappointment’ so that I have a ‘good reason’ to ignore this self-disappointment so that I can have a ‘good reason’ to not change my ways – and so I commit myself to investigate and look at every single point of self-disappointment within me and to not just dismiss it because there’s an energy around it – and I commit myself to catch myself within those very moment that I compromise myself which will inevitably lead to self-disappointment so I can correct myself before it even happens because I know inside myself that there are those moments where I know what to do, but I don’t do it -- and I know that I will regret not doing it – but I still don’t – because I find it easier to give in to energy than sticking to principle and so I commit myself to stand by / listen to principle as that voice inside me that knows very well what requires to be done and to dismiss the energy experience of temptation

When and as I see myself being in a state of depression – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is me indicating that I am not satisfied with myself/my life /how I handle things and so I commit myself to identify the point which requires specification/alignment and get myself to change the point without any further distraction such as self-judgment / pity

When and as I see myself judging myself within being disappointed with myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is no point judging myself as this is only me removing myself further from taking actual self-responsibility where I believe that I am taking ‘passive responsibility’ within judging myself as ‘punishment’ and believe that I can get away with my dishonest actions as long as I repent and show that I am sorry – and so I commit myself to snap myself out of self-judgment as the nasty self-sabotage trick it is – and ground myself here, within and as breath and do what needs to be done within active self-correction

When and as I see myself being disappointed with myself and go into a point of wanting to ‘make up’ / ‘compensate’ for my “evil doing” – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is no solution and actually just a repetition of the exact same pattern but this time within the other polarity side of the construct which means that if I participate in this I am going to end up right where I started as I am within this compromising myself and self-compromise leads to self-disappointment and so I commit myself to when I deal with a point of self-disappointment and self-correction – double check my starting point to ensure that it is not within energy but simply a point of self-responsibility as correcting/specifying/re-aligning myself within the realisation / acknowledgement that how I did something previously was not cool and so I change/correct it

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Why we Are All Mass Murderers within Our Current Money System

I would like to mention the point of ‘Why we are all Mass Murderers’ with our Current Money System.

Due to accepting and allowing the existence of our Current Money System we are all collectively Mass Murderers.

So, Why are we all Mass Murderers within our Current Money System?

Because our Current Money System is Based on a Polarity Construct where some ‘Have’ and some ‘Have-Not’. Where we all participate in making the rich more rich and the poor more poor. And we all have agreed on this Money System.

As long as we keep on supporting our Current Money System simply by accepting it and allowing it to exist – we are actually the ones killing those unable to support themselves due to lack of money.

They are not just dying of ‘starvation’. They are dying because of our ignorance and lack of basic common sense and care for one another.

They are dying because we are unwilling to change. They are dying in Our name.

We are the ones putting death sentences on innocent children just so we can maintain and continue our lifestyle.

We are the ones Responsible – We are the ones that can thus make a Change.

Support an Equal Money System where all get a Basic Amount of Money to be able to support themselves – and Stop the needless dying.

An Equal Money System where those that currently Have – will still Have – but they won’t have unnecessary things that they do not actually need– because those things require others to not have.

And where the current Have-Not’s – will Have as well.

It has already been proven that there is enough food and resources to support Everyone. The only reason why one would not want to Implement an Equal Money and Support system is due to Self-Interest.

Stop the Killing, Stand for an Equal Money System.