Day 239: Experience Living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to my experiences as I perceive and believe that the only way to give myself direction and derive guidelines of ‘who to be’ and ‘what to do’ comes from what I experience inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the only way to have direction and have a guideline is to fall back on my experiences as my compass of positive and negative as what to say yes and no to depending on what I experience as positive or negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that using experience as emotions and feelings and thoughts as the morality construct of right and wrong is the only way to have direction in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that if I give up my thoughts, feelings and emotions that I am giving up direction for myself in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that if I give up my thoughts, feelings and emotions that there is ‘nothing else’ and ‘nothing left’ to fall back on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I do not have the capacity of common sense and considering what is best for all and so when the notion comes up of ‘give up all emotions, feelings and thoughts’ I go into a panic -- because I perceive and believe that nothing else exists besides emotions, feelings and thoughts 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a continuous dance of balancing the positive and negative energetic experiences inside myself - constantly compensating one for the other, perceiving and believing that I am 'moving forward' but really I am just stuck in a cycle of infinity, moving between polarities, where even though the 'seasons' change, I have not changed, I only think and perceive I have changed based on the notion that 'there was movement' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that if only I had more positive experiences that 'things would be better' - not seeing and realizing that only the 'experience' is better but that this is not an actual indicator of things for real being and moving better - as both the positive and negative energy are an illusion and not an indicator of reality 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that I am incapable of principled living which then only leaves me with experienced living -- which leaves me as a victim to the dictations of my mind as the positives and negatives I've accumulated and assigned to words throughout my childhood from my family, culture, environment - which is essentially random as it is based on the negatives and positives others had assigned and passed on / shared through various encounters where I have established my own ‘cocktail’ of positives and negatives as ‘MY’ outlook on life encapsulated in positive and negative experiences, not seeing and realizing that it is not MY outlook on life and living but the outlooks I’ve copied and integrated from those around and before me

 

Day 203: My Head is like a Broken Record

Also read:
Day 386: Fetal Development Stages – Consciousness Research – Week 14 (Part Two)
Being able to Stop Thoughts – proves that both ‘who I am’ and Thought itself is Illusion: DAY 377 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to and believe my thoughts as the content they present as ‘not trusting myself’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the past to tell me who I am, within trusting my thoughts , where my thoughts are merely the result of the accumulation of memories as data and the meanings as emotions and feelings attached/embedded within these memories whereby the thoughts are ‘ghosts of the past’ haunting me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and ‘live here’ while ‘looking through the past’, instead of being here – breath by breath, as the only way within which ‘living here’ is possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my thoughts are valid, without actually having tested them to see whether they are valid in all ways, or whether they are only valid within the context of the existence of the memory as being an extension of data – but instead merely apathetically accepted and allowed them as apparently being ‘normal’ and within doing so accepting and allowing the limitation that comes with living by one’s thoughts as one’s own personal nightmare

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of distrust and inadequacy, without seeing and realizing that I am merely echoing memories – where within accepting these thoughts and allowing them to play over and over again like a broken record, I am merely creating new memories with the exact same content, over and over again – to only further perpetuate my accepted and allowed limitation within enforcing the same pattern and thus enforcing the same outcome with no room for change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my thoughts and emotional/feeling experiences that are attached to them, believing that because they come up, ‘they must be real’ and I ‘must follow them’ and I ‘must accept them’ (while these are also thoughts lol), without questioning where my thoughts/feelings and emotions come from

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have made the decision, the commitment, the statement – to decide to live here, breath by breath, moment by moment – within believing my thoughts that tell me that it’s ‘too hard’, it’s ‘too difficult’, ‘not yet’, ‘maybe later’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that in terms of living the commitment of breathing here in every moment – there is no ‘later’ or ‘process’ that needs to take place in order for me to supposedly be enabled to effectively live here breath by breath – as all there is, is the decision as willpower , as commitment, as I am here, this is what I accept and allow, this is who I am – and who I am is now living breath by breath and not give in to the voices of the memories as thoughts, desperately wanting attention and be held unto because of some perverse perception of apparent value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have postponed making the decision of living breath by breath, where I saw that it was inevitable to make this decision and to live by the decision made – but instead perceived the decision as the final decision within a negative charge connotation, connecting it to ‘death’ – where this decision would be ‘it’, living by this decision would mean no turning back – wherein I went into fear and instead of pushing through the bullshit of thought, I stepped back within myself and went ‘not yet’, and justified it with ‘I cannot do this anyway’ and thus in fact fulfilling my own self-belief within not doing it, not seeing and realizing that my decision to ‘not do it’ does not mean that I ‘cannot do it’, only that I don’t want to bother finding out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived in regret of that one moment, where I saw what needed to be done, but instead allowed myself to be persuaded by my thoughts and what they had to say and so within that moment accepted and allowed myself to remain limited because apparently these thoughts that claim that I am limited have some freaking value and I should just ‘go with it’

I commit myself to live breathe by breath here, to live in awareness instead of consciousness and to when and as I see myself missing a breath of having missed breaths – to simply pick up again as a matter of common sense and self-dedication and self-will and to not allow myself to give into the thoughts who are ready to cheer me down into giving up and self-defeat – because I have made a commitment and I have made a decision and I am tired of letting myself down – it has been enough

I commit myself to trust myself and to learn to trust myself to be able to just do this one simple thing: to be here within a single breath ever only, and to practice this point over and over, breath by breath – the only way you can practice anything – until it is a living natural expression of and as me, where I live it instead of practicing it

I commit myself to disregard the voices in my head, to see them for what they are as merely the collection of data and information being repeated – and to use them as an opportunity to identify the programming, the rules that I have accepted and allowed myself to live by – and to reverse engineer their creation to a point of nothingness, so I may create a new rule, a new law by which to live – as that what is Best for All Life

I commit myself to give myself to opportunity to live here, as I see and realize that I have only ever lived as thought – or rather have lived through thought within believing that it was ‘me’, within believing that ‘who I am’ is the mind and where within the realization that I am not the mind, and not yet the body – I am absolutely nothing – and thus I grant myself the opportunity to kill myself as the mind and birth myself as the Life from and as the Physical and find out who I really am, as Life – and disregard/shed what I have been living as a Lie.

Related articles

• Day 348 - Ignoring the obvious point in the Moment.
• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 338 Self Interest is Ignorant to consideration. Part 3
• Day 351 - Mirage of self Part 3
• Day 343 - Getting home from work, the Fly trap.
• Day 350 - Mirage of self Part 2
• Day 321 - Falling behind on daily Blogging, getting up, moving forward

Day 121: How we Ruin our Lives with Memories

A while back, I listened to one of the interviews on EQAFE called 'Life Review - How I ruined my Life with a Memory'. This interview was really cool for me to see how a singular moment, a singular set up -- can define your life and limit how you will experience and behave yourself for the remainder of your life.

Since listening to the interview, I've been giving more attention to memories and what role memories play within facing points (which you may have noticed if you've been reading my blogs, the memories just keep coming lol).

It's an interesting and also important point -- because, every moment is a new memory, every memory contains specific information upon which we will act in the future -- it's part of our 'database' that we use to guide ourselves, what we do, who we will interact with, etc.

I mean, the memory that is being walked through by the being in the interview, is very simply and 'innocent'-like in nature and then as the being walks through her life and her story unfolds -- it's just astounding how much a singular memory can affect us in who we allow ourselves to be and become, and to what extent we remain trapped in the past.

It also assisted me to work with particular experiences that I would I have, that I guess you could say "defined me" as feeling that these experiences were very much "a part of me" -- yet, I couldn't really 'place' them where it seemed as if these experiences had just appeared and emerged 'out of the blue' and didn't have any foothold to 'grab unto' to give myself direction and to have an approach on how to work with these experiences. So as I was listening to the interview, it all started making sense and it gave me a new way/perspective/approach on how I could deal with these experiences -- where before the experiences would just be 'floating around' and I would jsut be grabbing at thin air, trying to make sense out of what it was that I would experience in particular moments -- whereas now it's like I have a pin in my hand and can see the experience 'float around' and then just pin it down, BAM - gotcha! LOL

So if you sit with any experiences which you are finding hard to 'pin point' in terms of how to work with them and where they come from -- I'd definitely suggest listening to this interviews, as it gives a very nice, basic, simple perspective on the role of Memories -- and then even in addition to that you could check out the Quantum Mind series -- there, memories are taken to a whole NEW level -- and it's really quite fascinating to hear and 'see' (the descriptions in the interviews are so specific, it's like you can literally "See" what is being said) how the quantum mind works -- and I mean, you've got to have some degree of respect for how meticulous and specific the mind works after listening to a couple of those interviews -- we've really set ourselves up for quite the journey...

Related articles

• Day 213: Human Rats Trapped in an A-Maze-Ment(al) Game
• Day 189 - Postponing listening to Eqafe Interviews.
• Day 129: Mystery and Imagination
• 183. Like and Dislike = Mind Control
• Back to Breath (Day 15 of 21) Is What Makes you Happy also What's Best for you? DAY 147
• Day 160: Solitude 1

Day 102: Mind Control is Everywhere!

This blog is a continuation to
Day 101: Is my TV a Secret Mind Control Device?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate the effects images and movies have on myself as the mind -- where I believe that within watching a movie/series I am 'relaxing' -- not seeing and realising that I am merely 'zoning out' where I am completely unaware of my physical reality here, and allow myself to become completely absorbed by the movie as if it were really happening -- and within that respond to the images and sounds within emotional and thought reactions

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is awkward to have particular emotional and feeling responses to watching a movie as images and sounds flashing on a screen and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have moved myself to investigate the nature of the mind within reacting to sounds and images on a screen and what this implies about the design of the mind and thus the design of my life thus far

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to find it questionable to have random images of movies/series popping up inside my mind where I can't even remember where it came from, indicating to me that I am a stranger in my own body and mind -- being completely ignorant of how the mind works and how the body stores information of the mind

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be here, within breath, when watching movies/series/tv -- as I would rather be bombarded by sounds and images to dictate my life than taking responsibility for every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate the images and sounds I watch on a screen when watching a movie/series/tv and the emotional/feeling connection I have attached to them so that when I am faced with a particular situation in my life I will access the pictures of movies and the energy attached to them to tell me what to do -- not seeing and realising that movies/series/tvs have been particularly designed and engineered to generate a particular feeling/emotion within the viewer, which cause one to respond to a particular set of conditions in one way within the movie and then extending this to real life -- preparing the viewer to become a predictable robot who's behaviour can be easily predicted and where this point can be harnessed to move the robot to buy into consumerism, which within advertising uses the very principle of images initiating particular emotional responses which are not relevant to the actual product/service provided -- but where one will follow this feelings/emotions anyway because it feels 'so right' -- not for a moment standing still and questioning where this feeling comes from and whether it can be trusted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have within watching the horse whisperer and viewing the scene of the horse being hit by a truck have gone into a mode of fear where I made the connection between 'being with a horse outside one's safe perimeter' and 'danger' -- where within walking my own horse years later and looking at the road, I made the connection to one of the images of the movie where there is nature / a road and horses -- which were sufficient conditions to make a match with the current appearance of my reality as a picture presentation as being on a road with a horse, with nature -- where the image of the movie was dug up as my mind telling me "look, it's kind of the same -- it means something!!!" and where I allowed myself to take this image and the fear energy attached to it and believed it to be 'informing me' about something/the situation I am in -- without seeing and realising that there is no point to fear your horse getting lose and being hit by a truck because this in itself will in no way alter reality if it does or doesn't happen -- the most that can happen is that I am so pre-occupied by fear that I forgot about all common sense and do something stupid which then only makes the situation worse and so I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stop the first time I saw the image pop up and see what was going on as my mind throwing images at me with an emotional connection in order to distract me from reality, as me walking the horse breath by breath to the destination point, within self-trust of acting common sensically if anything were to happen, and not allow myself to go into fear as this distorts my view of reality within which it is easy to miss things where one's fear ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that involuntary action within my inner reality such as thoughts, feelings and emotions just 'popping up' constitute mind control -- as I am not in control of my inner reality but am being controlled by it as the mind as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

Related articles

• Day 101: Is my TV a Secret Mind Control Device?
• Day 68: My Mind, My Saviour
• Day 150: Matrix of FLESH is SELF

Day 68: My Mind, My Saviour

 This blog is a continuation to:
Day 62: There Must be Something Wrong!
Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning
Day 64: Holding on to Myself 
Day 65: Fear of Sharing
Day 66: Valuing my Inner Space 
Day 67: You can HEAR me?!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my mind as my own private place where I can do what I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘freedom’ as ‘doing what I want’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cherish my mind as my ‘private space’ where I can apparently do whatever I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mind is special and that I must value / cherish my mind – as that thing which allows me to do what I want and where I can entertain myself within whichever way I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mind constitutes as the ‘highlight’ of my day – where whatever I face, I can go and play in my mind and entertain myself in order to not face my reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that my mind was the most awesomest thing in the world, where in any given moment I could decide to not participate in the world but instead seal myself in my mind and entertain myself there with thoughts, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed my mind to be this vast universe / playground where I can do whatever I want – where I could at any moment withdraw myself from physical reality such as being in class and generate happy thoughts/feeling/emotions inside myself to keep me happy/entertained

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mind is a place of comfort, where at any given moment I can withdraw from reality and go sit in my mind as a cocoon that will keep me safe from whatever is happening in physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have abdicated my power to the mind – where I believed that my mind is here for me and here to take care of me – while all the while it is all in reverse – where my mind is not ‘keeping me safe’ or ‘helping me through tough times’ – since the problem was never what was happening in my physical reality, but my interpretation of the event as experience which was created through my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was doing myself a favour by withdrawing into my mind and entertain myself with thoughts/feelings and emotions – while all I was doing was hiding from myself as creator of my experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the problem lay in what was happening around me – instead of seeing and realising that what I perceived was ‘happening around me’ as negative experience, was actually happening inside myself – and thus I was the problem all along


When and as I see myself associating ‘freedom’ with ‘doing what I want’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that ‘freedom’ can never exist as the statement of ‘doing what I want’ in an absolute, eternal way – since this interpretation of freedom considers the person who’s freedom is being discussed as being at the ‘centre of the universe’ where nothing else matters but this person – while in fact, we do not live in a reality where each one is at the centre of the universe – we live in a shared reality where everyone’s actions have repercussions affecting others – and so freedom, is really a point of realisation of responsibility – where each one can see and identify the consequences for any action taken, and within that consideration only act within a way which is Best for All – as only within this manner can we ensure a co-existence which is Best for All – where currently the concept of ‘Freedom’ is only considered within an isolated framework from the starting point of each person being at the centre of their own universe – but there is no such thing as separate realities, we all share the same reality, the same planet – and the moment we allow each individual to believe in the illusion that they are at the centre of their own universe where they should have the right to do what they want – these separate realities create friction as this ‘doing what I want’ is affecting/inflicting consequence on one another – and so I commit myself to let go of my old definition of freedom, and live by a definition of Freedom which in fact stands for what is Best for All Life

When and as I see myself withdrawing into my mind upon facing something which I perceive as ‘unpleasant’ within the belief that I can go into ‘my own little private space’ where ‘I can still make up the rules’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am in fact deluding myself within believing that withdrawing into my mind is a solution to any given situation – where this very movement is a statement of me accepting my self-limitation – and so I commit myself to snap out of self-hiding – breathe – be here as my human physical body, and face whatever I need to face
When and as I see myself going into my mind and going into a ‘yay’ mode – where I am chuffed with myself that I can for a moment escape from my reality – where this is almost a form of ‘cheating’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am being completely delusional within believing this ‘yay’ moment of having made an successful escape into and as my mind where I can think and feel things while stuff is going on around me that I do not want to be aware of, as I am merely removing myself from what is Real and engaging in an alternate reality – and so I commit myself to stop and breathe, ground myself as my human physical body and identify what triggered the defence mechanism of ‘escape’ into my mind and walk this point within Self Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself experiencing myself in an unpleasant way in relation to what is going on around me, and then go into my mind as a ‘solution’ to this experience where I go and either be numb or create nice feelings/thoughts for myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am playing tricks on myself where I believe my environment to be the cause of my ‘unpleasant’ experience and where my mind can play the ‘saviour’ within creating nice feelings inside myself – while in fact I am the creator of the unpleasant experience in relation to my environment and also the creator of the pleasant experience within generating deliberate thoughts/feelings – and so I commit myself to stop deluding myself within believing that I am creating a solution for my problem, since I see and realise that I created ‘my problem’ and I created ‘my solution’ and so I move myself to step backwards from having created the happy feelings back to having the ‘negative’ experience BACK to what triggered me creating a negative experience for myself – and sort out this link within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements and Application

Day 66: Valuing my Inner Space

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 62: There Must be Something Wrong!
Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning
Day 64: Holding on to Myself  
Day 65: Fear of Sharing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my inner experience as thoughts/feelings and emotions as something ‘sacred’ which defines me, and which is not allowed to be just put ‘out there’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing my inner experiences as thoughts/feelings and emotions because I believe that this is what ‘makes me ‘me’ ‘ – and that if someone has knowledge over these points that they can ‘control me’ / have ‘power over me’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is ‘blasphemy’ to just put ‘out there’ how you feel as how you experience yourself as thoughts/feelings and emotions within the belief that these things are personal, special and sacred and need to stay right there in one’s “inner space” as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my inner experiences as thoughts/feelings and emotions are what constitutes as the ‘essence’ of me as a being, and that these need to be protected/safeguarded at all cost

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing my experiences as thoughts/feelings and emotions because I fear that if they are exposed, bare, naked – others can question these thoughts/feelings and emotions and within that I perceive them challenging my very beingness and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself within putting my experience ‘out there’ for all to see, because now that they are not confined to my ‘inner space’, I do not have control over them in terms of how I see / value them and others can question / value them differently – where I perceive this as being a direct attack to ‘who I am’ as a person/being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my ‘inner space’ where I can let my emotions/thoughts and feelings ‘roam free’ without anyone seeing it – where I believe that this ‘inner space’ is where I can “be myself” – without ever stopping for a moment and questioning why I would want to confine “who I am” and “being myself” to one little space that no-one can see – because this itself raises suspicion towards the nature of ‘who I am’ and ‘being myself’ as thoughts/emotions and feelings

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that holding on to my personal space as my ‘inner space’ as the mind where I can let thoughts/feelings and emotions ‘roam free’ – while at the same time fearing these to be ‘exposed’ – indicates to me that what I am accepting and allowing myself to exist as, as thoughts/feelings and emotions is not honourable


When and as I see myself valuing my inner experience as thoughts/feelings and emotions as ‘sacred’ as ‘what defines me’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these emotions/thoughts and feelings that I think ‘define me’, are merely programs as the result of memory – where in many instances is has been shown to me that one can do without thoughts/feelings and emotions – and so these factors are not detrimental to who one is as a being in terms of ‘defining self’ – as I have clearly seen that when I stop/delete a thought, a feeling or an emotion = I am still here. And so I commit myself to remove all the layers of ‘who I believe myself to be’ as thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself – and to discover what it means to be here as the physical

When and as I see myself going into fear when I am presented with an opportunity to share myself as how I experience myself as thoughts/feelings and emotions – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that my fear merely indicates my relationship towards these points within self-judgment and taking these points ‘personal’ – and so I commit myself to allow myself to share unconditionally so I can see for myself what it is that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, to re-evaluate my living according to these programs/instructions and to rewrite them in alignment with what is Best for All Life

When and as I see myself reacting within a sense of “Blasphemy!” when faced with a situation where I am asked to ‘put myself out there’ or seeing another being asked to ‘put themselves out there’ as how I / them experience self in terms of thoughts/feelings and emotions – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that as long as there is any point of hiding or secrecy in relation to what goes on inside one’s “inner space” that this constitutes a problem – and so I commit myself to clean up my inner space as the mind to make sure that I do not live by / consist of programs as thoughts/feelings and emotions which do not serve what is Best for All Life

When and as I see myself playing out the belief that my inner experiences as thoughts/feelings and emotions are what constitutes as ‘my essence’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that currently yes, these consist as ‘my essence’ as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be – but this points as thoughts/feelings/emotions are not absolute, in the sense that I can change my acceptances and allowances – and thus my essence will only ever reflect who I am within every single moment of breath – and so I commit myself re-align my acceptance and allowance within the principle of Oneness and Equality as what is Best for All life, within walking every moment of breath and checking myself / my inner experience to make sure that I am not participating in something which I do not want to be representative of

When and as I see myself going into the feeling of ‘I have to safeguard/protect the privacy of my experiences at all cost’ within a starting point of fear – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this experience is indicating to me that I am still accepting and allowing experiences as thoughts/feelings and emotions which are not cool – otherwise I would not want to keep them secret/safe from others and so I commit myself to investigate the nature of each and every single experience and realise myself from thoughts/feelings and emotions within daily writing and Daily application within every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself going into the fear of having my inner experience laid bare / exposed for others to see – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is no point having a relationship with my inner experiences as thoughts/feelings and emotions in terms of valuing/judging them in a particular way, since they are merely the result of years of programming through the integration of memories – and so I commit myself to remind myself that what I am working with are merely faulty scripts which require re-writing / correcting and so I move myself to investigate my scripts and re-write them to what is Best for All Life

Related articles

• Day 64: Holding on to Myself
• Day 65: Fear of Sharing
• Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning
• Day 50: Here -- Yet Lightyears away
• Day 39: What if something's Wrong with Me?
• Day 46: Running on Automated Pilot

Day 57: Sound of Laughter

This blog is a continuation to: 
Day 51: Shocking Sounds 
Day 52: Prelude – Don’t take anything for Granted 
Day 53: I Am Robot 
Day 54: Reading Sounds 
Day 55: Sounds as Reference 
Day 56: Fearing Myself

While I was busy working on one of my blogs in relation to the parrots screaming and me reacting to it -- I had another point opening up in relation to me reacting to sound. While I was busy writing, Gian at the desk next to me was busy watching an episode of something and was laughing really hard. He had his headphones on so I didn't know what was funny, all I could hear was him laughing very loudly. So while I was busy doing Self Forgiveness on sound, here I found myself reacting to Gian laughing and having a blast within annoyance and even some anger.

The reaction had to do with thoughts like "It's not fair, he shouldn't be having fun right now -- why is he watching something and having fun, he is wasting his time he should be working".

When seeing this reaction I looked at why I was reacting, and it was basically because I found it unfair how I was experiencing myself within what I was doing, which only got highlighted/emphasized within hearing the sound of Gian's laughter. The 'unfairness' didn't have anything to do with what Gian was doing or how he was experiencing himself as having fun, but how I had decided for myself to experience myself as 'not having fun' as experiencing myself within a 'down' energy and then within hearing the laughter -- this point got thrown into my face and I got upset/annoyed because I did not want to acknowledge that I was in fact the creator of my experience and thus I was responsible for how I was experiencing myself. But instead of seeing this and correcting it, I immediately externalized the point within blame as taking Gian responsible for how I was experiencing myself and justifying it within saying that my experience was due to his behaviour.

So within the next blogs I will take on this point within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

Related articles

• Day 55: Sounds as Reference
• Day 52: Prelude - Don't take anything for Granted
• Day 51: Shocking Sounds
• The Science of Thought - Part 1: DAY 150
• Day 118: Self sabotaging Self Forgiveness continued...
• Day 117: Self sabotaging Self Forgiveness

Day 42: Why?

I've been looking at how I created a relationship of victimization within and towards my human physical body, where whenever something 'bad' would happen like a cut, a scrape, a fall, a bruise, an injury, disease, pain etc - I would be overwhelmed with a sense of powerlessness and helplessness and asking myself 'Why? Why is this happening to me?'. I'd instantaneously become very emotional and cry (although as I got older I'd start to suppress the crying more and more because I didn't want to be seen as 'weak'). Now it doesn't come up as prominent anymore until someone will for instance ask me 'Are you alright?' and then this whole wave of emotions would 'wash over me' and with it the tears would start welling up in my eyes and I go 'WTF, What is this experience? Why is this here?'. The experience is hard to describe because I never really looked at it before, as I just saw it as one of my weird annoying 'quirks' which would pop up from time to time but I never bothered to question it because I thought it was simply a 'part of who I am'. The experience is something like a lostness, confusing like just not knowing why all these bad things happen to me and my body and why these experience exist (pain, discomfort). Then later, when I looked at it again a memory popped up from when I was in my first year of 'kindergarten' (where I went to school you had three years of kindergarten, starting from 2-3 years old until you're 6 or something and then you start your first year in primary school) and both kindergarten and the primary school grades were situated in the same school. So on the playground you had kids from ages 2 to 12 roaming around. I was one of the youngest.

One day I was walking around on my own just exploring, not really 'doing' anything or having any 'game' or 'purpose' that I was walking around with, and then at some point I stood still and looked at one of the concrete tiles (the playground consisted mostly of a concrete tiled flat space (and the tiles were like very rough, grainy) with a small part with sand and some trees and jungle gyms), and then out of nowhere I saw this boy from the 6th grade (so one of the eldest) stand behind me and he was looking somewhere very focussed into the distance, and it looked like he wanted to get wherever it was where he was looking and I saw his body moving into action to 'get there' but then he noticed from the corner of his eye that this little toddler - me - was in the way of his body already moving into the opposite direction of the playground and then he quickly shoved me out of the way and sprinted to wherever he was going. When I look at it now it's clear that he was obviously playing a game with his friends that he got really involved in that when he saw I was in the way he just wanted to get this 'obstruction' out of the way so he can keep in the loop of the game with his friends.

For me in that moment I had NO idea what was going on and I was just completely in shock. As I write it out, it all sounds like it was moving quite slow but me seeing him to the point where I hit the ground all happened in less than a second. I landed on the concrete tiles with my knees (I mean, what a stupid idea to have a playground made out of concrete tiles? Kids fall on it all the time) and this intense pain shocked through my body. I moved myself over a bit, still on the ground and saw that my pants had a dark red stain by my one knee and it felt wet. I cried and I cried. The teacher who takes care of us 'little ones' found me and took me inside. I was in pain, crying, confused and I was looking for some answers. Why did this happen? Why did the boy push me? Why am I in this pain? Why is my leg bleeding so bad? Why would someone want to inflict this on me? I don't understand!! As the teacher was walking me while holding my hand I was full of anticipation to get those questions answered. I was very small though and had little vocabulary so I didn't really say anything while walking/crying as I assumed the teacher would talk to me soon enough. When we got to our 'classroom' (can't really call it a classroom, it's a room full of toys and drawing/crafting stuff lol) we rolled up my pants to see what 'the damage' was and my whole knee was open, my leg covered in blood from knee to ankle. She then just pointed at the little toilet room, told me to take off my pants, showed I should sit down and gave me some toilet paper telling me to 'clean myself up'. She then left.
And so I sat there on the toilet in the little toilet room all alone, in my undies, in pain, bleeding with all the questions and no-one was telling me what was going on. As I started cleaning up the blood from my leg I experienced a sense of aloness, weakness, powerlessness, helplessness -- a victim-like state. As I dabbed the toilet paper on my bloody leg I started to 'toughen up' inside as I thought there was nothing I could do and there was no-one here to help me, I wasn't getting any wiser so what's the point? After a bit the teacher came back, and put some red stuff on my wound that was prickly, she gave me a different set of pants. She put my bloody pants in a plastic bag and told me I should take it home with me after school. We then walked back to the playground where she gave me a little push of 'off you go' and there I was, back on the playground like nothing ever happened. I walked back to the spot where I fell and there were blood stains on it. I remember them being there for quite a few days after the incident.

I wasn't told why the boy pushed me and the boy was never approached about it -- so I assumed that he hadn't done anything 'unacceptable' and that it was implied that it was my own fault that I ended up the way I did, that there was nothing wrong with the boy pusing me and my body getting hurt, but that it was 'me' that was wrong in general.

So now whenever I experience pain, a cut, a fall, whatever -- this whole experience gets uploaded into every cell of my body. Depending on the severity/intensity/element of surprise of the incident -- the experience will be more or less intense but it'll always be there. And although my whole tick bite fever incident was quite different from what played out in the memory, the pain and discomfor triggered the same experience.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to follow 

 Related articles

• Day 37: What's Happening to Me?!
• Day 38: Being Sick is So BAD! Or is it?
• Day 35: Reversing Trust
• Day 26: Ticks and Tick Bite Fever
• Emotional/Feeling Body Creation - Part 2: DAY 103
• Parental Input in Child Character-Building - Part 2: DAY 109

Day 32: Fear of Speaking - Part 4

From previous blog:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection between ‘not being able to respond to someone’ and ‘weakness/embarrassment’ within and through memory where as a small child someone got really angry at me for something I did/said where I went into a complete mode of petrification and did not know how to respond to what was being said and where I peed my pants because of the amount of fear I was experiencing and not knowing how to deal with the situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was 'weak' and 'embarrassing' for me as a child, to have not been able to respond when someone was angry and screaming at me, where the fear was so intense that I peed my pants and shut down inside myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see / realise / understand that me as a child not being able to respond, being petrified and peeing my pants has got nothing to do with being 'weak' or being 'an embarrassment' -- as I within that moment I had no clue / practical tools available for myself in terms of how to deal with the situation, as my parents and the education system never taught me how to deal with people who are emotionally possessed and how to deal with one's own inner reality

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me not having been able to respond, being petrified and peeing in my pants in the face of someone who was emotionally possessed was the result of a lack of education, which only reflected the lack of education within my environment -- where parents and school do not teach children how the mind functions, so one can within an event of emotional possession of another being, see / realise / understand what is going on within the context of the Mind and the Back Chat which caused the other person to go into an emotional possession, and to see / realise / understand that this is nothing to be feared, as the person is merely displaying their mental disorders and their behaviour is not to be taken personal

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me as a child not being able to respond, being petrified and peeing in my pants in the face of someone being emotionally possessed was not because of any 'weakness' on my part -- but merely an indication that we human beings take for granted our inner reality as emotions and feelings and do not care to integrate this as basic components within a child's education and as basic components within parents' parenting as we've accepted our emotions and feelings as part of 'human nature' and so as 'okay' and within that never cared to establish a platform of support in terms of dealing with a person who is emotionally possessed as it is seen as 'normal', and simply expect our kids to "deal with it" without seeing / realising / understanding that the children have never been given the tools to "deal with it" and so they don't actually "deal with it" but suppress it and through time develop the same mental instabilities as emotionally possession which they direct towards others and so continue the cycle of mental disorder

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child not being able to respond, being petrified and peeing my pants in the face of an emotionally possessed person -- have taken the event personal -- where I truly believed that I was the one who created the person's reaction towards me -- instead of seeing and realising that I merely acted as a 'trigger' within that moment which activated an emotional possession within the other which had already long been brewing before I opened my mouth / did anything -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a society and human race which does not encourage self responsibility within not questioning our behaviour and the behaviour of others such as that of emotional possession where we believe it is justified to act out and direct our possession towards another, because we truly believe that we are not responsible for how we experience ourselves within ourselves and that we are but 'victims' of our own nature and instill this dogma unto the children ensuring the continuation of this belief