Day 201: Classmates or Competitors?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 199: Exam Nightmares
Day 200: I Don't Do Bad Grades 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that I 'must have good grades'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that I 'must have good grades' within observing my siblings having good grades and this being praised by my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that 'passing' is not good enough and that one should always aim for a '100%'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a fear of bad grades within having been pushed/motivated to 'always have good grades', as others indicated that 'having good grades' will give you the widest variety of options for your future and thus if I have bad grades I am putting in danger my future as I won't necessarily be able to study / follow what I want if/when bad grades limit me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my desire for good grades is rooted/embedded within the fear of having bad grades as fearing for my future / having limited career options

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have promised to myself that I will never allow myself to have bad grades because if I do I might end up in a miserable position in the system

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have questioned my parents or the education system, where it became clear that even though school was a place where I could be with my friends and play during break times -- I was at the same time in a race/competition with the other children in the class, a race/competition for future status in society/the system -- where some will study hard to make sure that they will be able to further their education while others don't or simply can't with the means available and where each child does not look out or look back at one's friends or care about their situation because we all know 'someone has to do the sucky jobs one day' but 'at least it won't be me because I have good grades'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into a form of tunnel vision, where all I could see was a straight vision to my future / future position in society/the system -- where all I cared about was 'getting good grades' as this was what I understood to be my 'ticket' to a nice life in the system -- where there was no time or space to consider others who may not be doing as well as I was and thus would possibly end up in less favourable positions in society/system -- but where instead of helping/assisting them I only went further into fear as I 'cannot waste any time on them' and must 'take advantage' of their shortcomings as this puts me 'further ahead' in the race

Related articles

• Day 156: Competitive thoughts - part 2
• Conquering The Contest Of Survival - Day 388
• I Really Want You To Fail - Day 386
• The Things We Do To Feel Good About Ourselves - Day 387
• Day 338 Self Interest is Ignorant to consideration. Part 3
• Day 191: Reacting to Futility, and to WTF I've Done.

Day 178: Fail-You-Are - Redefining Failure

Currently the world failure for me is a point of “I fucked up”, “I can’t do this – I am done with” -- where I made a mistake and now I am defined by this point to the extent of it having become an ‘inability’ of mine.

So let’s look at the sounding of the word ‘Failure’

Fail Ure

Fail You Are

Fear Lure

Fa I ll - I in Fall


Within this it is clear that Failure holds an energetic charge of ‘taking things personally’ – where if I fall – I am defined by that fall and within doing so the fall becomes a fail and I am a Failure.

Failure and Fail also come from the Latin word ‘Fallere’ which can also be interpreted as ‘to deceive’. What I see within this is that when I take on the point of ‘I am a Failure’ – it’s also a point of self-deception as self-sabotage – where if I make myself the failure then ‘all is lost’ and there is nothing more for me to do. So it’s in essence an abdication of Self-Responsibility – Because if I Fall and I don’t put myself / I into the fall where it becomes a ‘Fa I l’ – then I am able to just observe what happened, see where things went wrong and correct myself. But if I am the Failure, then I integrate the Fall into myself as a Failure and then that’s the end of the story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take falling personal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I fall submerge myself in an energetic experience of failure as self-defeatism where I allow the point of falling to become a burden I carry as an extension of myself and where I accept and allow myself to define myself as this point of falling within experiencing myself as a failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when I fall and turn it into a fail wherein I make the point in which I fell as something which is final and within that do not give myself the time and space to correct myself and change within learning from my fall

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that participating within failing and failure is a form of self-deception as self-sabotage where one deliberately give up on self in order to forgo the alternative of taking responsibility for the fall and in fact changing/correcting within learning from the fall as a point of self-empowerment

When and as I see myself participate within an energetic experience of failure and think thoughts in the likes of “I am such a failure” – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am sabotaging myself within denying myself the opportunity to learn and change and rather wanting to give up - and so I commit myself to investigate my starting point within myself , towards myself and whether I am really actually engaged in Real Self-Change or whether I am just screwing around and within that I commit myself to breathe , ground myself within and as my physical body and learn from the fall in humbleness and take it into a practical walk of change/correction within seeing and realising where things were in misalignment and how I can do things differently to specify my self-application

So a new definition for Failure could be:

When one has fallen and defined oneself according to the fall within taking the point personal. Within doing so one has given one’s power away within holding on to the point within which one has fallen instead of taking self-responsibility and learning from the mistake and utilising the fall as an opportunity to correct and change

So now whenever the point of Failure pops up in my reality I know what I am participating within and can re-align/correct myself out of my mindfuck :-)

Related articles

• Day 177: Ana - I Failed You
• Day 232 - Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.
• Day 151 - Inadequacy - Preparing Wraps
• Day 154 - Inadequacy - Creativity - Self forgiveness
• Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
• Day 152 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food - Part 3 - Farm Chicken

Day 177: Ana - I Failed You

This blog is part of my Eating Disorder Series that I am walking, and specifically in continuation to: Day 167: The Big Fall  and Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and consider myself to be a failure for not having been able to push through within continuing to participate within my Eating Disorder

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have interpred my "Big Fall" as the confirmation point that I am a failure and will never get anywhere in Life because I can't stick to anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed all my self-worth and self-value within this one point of pursuing and maintaining an Eating Disorder where I placed all my hopes into this one point and thus when I didn't persevere in this one point as ED I deemed myself as a complete failure and waste of space and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone and stuffed myself to confirm / affirm that I am a failure and I will never get anywhere so I might as well stuff myself to shit as "if I'm not going to get anywhere in Life I might as well enjoy stuffing myself and getting an energy high from food"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have locked myself into a mode of self-defeat from that day onwards -- where whatever I do and whatever I participate in, it is never good enough and I will never be good enough because I have already proven to myself that I can't commit to something to a point of completion

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my Eating Disorder did not end that day but merely took a 180 turn where I went into the opposite polarity of 'not caring what I eat' and 'stuffing myself' where I then only cared about the energetic experience / charge I would get from eating tasty food which is again eating from a Mind perspective and not actually taking into consideration what foods would actually assist and support my body and thus still existing within a pattern of self-destruction and self-neglect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after my 'Big Fall' have gone into a polarity experience whereby I now stuffed myself with all the foods I had denied myself for so long and gaining lots of weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that my relationship towards food and eating was now one of 'Not caring' as if I was totally "cool" and "fine" with eating whatever I wanted and carried this attitude from a point of superiority in terms of "Look at me, I'm not superficial, I don't care about this whole "be skinny thing" just eat what you like and love yourself" -- not seeing and realising that I had taken on this attitude from a starting point of Spite wherein I wanted to push away / say 'fuck you' in the face of anorexia as if I was "over it" and where anorexia wasn't "good enough for me" wherein I took on a diminishing / demeaning stance towards anorexia/bulimia/ed to hide the fact that it was actually I who felt rejected, diminished, demeaned and not good enough in face of Anorexia as I had failed -- but instead put up a 'tough front' in order to not having to face these feelings and hiding from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a stance of 'I don't care' towards food and eating as an easy way out / quick fix for not having to deal with my inner turmoil

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have given myself the time and space to properly work through this point but instead allowed myself to drag this burden around for years without seeing and realising how much this memory/experience was still affecting me within my every day life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I failed maintaining an Eating Disorder that this means that I am a failure

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that having and maintaining an Eating Disorder is not sustainable and would have ended at some point or another as in the end the Physical perishes in order to maintain one's imagination and fantasies of being skinny

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that not persevering with an Eating Disorder does not automatically imply that I am a failure, but is a decision that I made for myself within myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I do not have to see / define / experience myself as a failure for not having persevered within pursuing/maintaining an Eating Disorder

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only thing I failed at was valuing myself as a Being rather than an image/picture presentation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have only valued myself in so far that I could stick within maintaining an Eating Disorder instead of valuing myself as Life

Related articles

• Day 172: My Dirty Little Secret
• Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia
• Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
• Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me
• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin

Day 167: The Big Fall

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection

Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia

I mentioned in one of my previous blogs that I rather did not want to do the whole puking thing, because it seemed like too much of a hassle.

So now that I was in the position where I felt "forced" to puke, because otherwise I would not be able to move/progress any further -- I found the whole puking thing rather interesting. It was as if I had found a 'loophole' or 'cheat'.

Where I had previously been quite strict with myself in terms of my food intake and not eating anything besides that which would 'give me away' -- I now started indulge in bits and pieces. Because now I could tell myself that 'it's alright - you can just puke it out later again, no harm done'. But after doing some 'little' indulging (like say, one slice of chips, or a taste of something sweet) -- I suddenly had this wave or more like tsunami run over me, where I just broke down and STUFFED myself. I had been starving myself for sooo long and not eating any of the foods I so loved before -- and now with this 'cheat': I just caved in. I ate and I ate and I ate and I did not stop until I was as stuffed as I could be. And then the tears came, and the guilt and the shame and the throwing up. I struggled for a while with that, where I would constantly move from one polarity to another, from total strictness to total stuffedness -- where I would deprive myself from foods for a while and then it would just backfire and BAM binge party.

In a way this was cool to really see how we live in polarity designs, going from one polarity to another like a very bouncy ball.

After having puked so much and it having had an impact on my body where I just couldn't handle puking anymore because of the blood and pain involved, I got really scared and wanted to stop. I figured that since I created this condition through deliberately managing my mind to bring about this type of behaviour -- I could now just reverse it using the same techniques again.

I was pretty confident that I could do this, it made sense that since I created it I could also uncreate it. Then I got in for a surprise, because it was not as easy as I thought. In the beginning of my endeavor (as mentioned in Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thoughts - Part 1 ) adapting thoughts typical to eating disorder behaviour was very hard as it wasn't automatic and I had to formulate and bring about each thought very specifically. However, as I had now progressed in time -- the thoughts were no longer 'forced' and had become completely automated. So while I thought that I could just 'quickly reverse it' -- I got faced with quite the opposite. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, the thoughts, the images, the emotional experiences, the swearing at myself -- all those points I took so long to create and imprint within myself -- just wouldn't stop. They were there all the time, around every corner, within every reaction -- it had become my entire reality. Uh oh - crap...

So it was interesting to see how my 'plan' had actually manifested. All the time and energy invested in managing my mind in a forced way had accumulated in it integrating and becoming me. I was no longer controlling my thoughts, my thoughts were controlling me. I got a bit stressed a this point, because I had expected myself to remain 'in control' and now it was getting clear that I wasn't - how was I going to stop?

Then, at some point when I was at my lowest weight (about 52 kgs at 1.78m) and I had been doing the whole not eating thing for quite a long time, we went on a one week holiday by the coast. This was like one of my biggest fears, because I preferred school-time over holiday as this was the easiest time to avoid being around the watchful eyes of my parents. So now I had to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with my family every day -- and generally when our family would go on holidays, we'd also eat all the 'extras' -- so now I was eating all of those as well. And I couldn't risk to puke, because the apartment we were in was tiny so everyone would be able to hear me puke and it would be harder to cover up afterwards.

Everyday I would weight myself, and everyday I would see the indicator of the scale go up and up and up. I was in complete despair.

Then one day, we were about to eat mac and cheese for lunch -- and in that moment I just gave up. I had gained so much weight, while I had struggled for such a loooong time to lose it, and now it was back in a matter of DAYS. I just couldn't do it anymore - and then I caved and I caved hard and I stuffed myself and basically went 'fuck it, fuck this shit' and I cried and I cried. And I always remembered that moment as 'my fall'- almost like I was an angel that had fallen from heaven, into disgrace.

I never really understood how much that moment had affected me. Only a year or so ago, I was experiencing myself down, depressed and like a completely failure and I was writing about how I was experiencing myself and I just couldn't get 'where' this was coming from -- and then suddenly it just dawned to me - it was still an outflow of that one moment where I just gave up and crashed, and experienced myself as a huge failure and after that event, I never stopped experiencing that point, it just became 'who I am'. It's like the moment never stopped, it was still busy running.

I still tried once in a while to 'pick up' on it again, to try and start over, but it just didn't work out. So then I turned my back on that part of my life and slowly but surely went 'back to normal'.

Related articles

• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
• Day 274: Eating Disorders and Desteni
• Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
• Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
• Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder - Part 1

Day 49: Studying and Fear - Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am reading through my study material -- read from the starting point of fear as 'I have to know all this information -- what if I forget all of this information by the time of the exams, then I have to do it all over again' and "oh no so much to read and so little time' -- where within this starting point as an energetic state of mind of fear -- I am not at all grasping / integrating the information but merely reading the words for the sake of 'progressing through my material' without actually studying/reading in any way whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made it my goal to 'go through the material from beginning to end' without including understanding/integration within my starting point -- where I end up "studying" but really just wasting my time because I am in no way present here within the moment as the information presented

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to slow down within studying -- to allow myself to read and take in the information within understanding and to when I do not grasp / understand something go and look up additional information which may assist me in understanding the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on studying within a starting point of resistance -- where I anticipate that the reading wil be tedious and that I will forget most of it -- and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this experience is a decision I make for myself and then becomes my reality -- and thus I can decide to take on studying from a point of self-directive self-movement and taking in information effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my 'future' study experiences on my study experiences from the past as memories -- where I end up not being able to integrate the information effectively since I am busy recycling through past memories

When and as I see myself reading through my study material and thinking "I have to know all this information -- what if I forget all of this information by the time of the exams, then i have to do it all over again" -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that fear and thinking/worrying only takes me another step back towards exam preparations and so I commit myself to stop participating within such thoughts / energy experiences and allow myself to work through my material step by step within allowing myself to effectively integrate the information

When and as I see myself reading through my study material and thinking "Oh no so much to read and so little time" -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that within occupying myself with these thoughts I am leaving myself no time/space to integrate my study information effectively and so I commit myself to stop participating within these thoughts / energy experiences and actually get to studying

When and as I see myself studying from the starting point of 'getting from point A to B' as in 'progressing through my study material' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that within focusing on the 'end goal' as 'getting somewhere' I am completely losing the point of studying as I am in no way aware within studying -- and so I commit myself to re-establish my starting point as effective reading /understanding where 'progressing through the material' is an outflow of this point -- but not the main point of attention

When and as I see myself racing within my mind when studying -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that rushing within my mind and through my study material is in no way effective and is actually me wasting time within wanting to save time -- and so I commit myself to stop engaging in this energetic mind experience and allow myself to slow down and be here

When and as I see myself deciding to study within an energetic experience of resistance -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that within imposing an experience of resistance upon and within myself -- I am only limiting myself and my study experience -- and so I commit myself to re-establish my starting point to that of self-direction and self-movement and study / take in the information unconditionally

When and as I see myself accessing past experiences in relation to studies as memories and project them unto the current moment -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that within accessing that past as memories I am only holding myself back from studying effectively and merely repeating the past -- and so I commit myself to snap myself out of this mode and be present here within the moment as breath and take in the information presented effectively

Related articles

• Day 47: Studying and Fear
• Day 48: Studying and Fear - Part 2
• Day 39: What if something's Wrong with Me?
• Day 112: Postponement Character Self forgiveness Statements
• Day 62: Anxiety Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• The Science of Thought - Part 1: DAY 150

Day 48: Studying and Fear - Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when one of my friends/classmates regurgitated our textbook information of the exam we were about to do - have gone into fear when I realised that I cannot do this - I can't reproduce all the information perfectly/by heart - and within that lost all trust within myself within doing the exam - because I believed that I need to be able to repeat the textbook information perfectly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when one of my friends/classmates regurgitated our textbook information of the exam we were about to do - have observed the behaviour / reactions of my other classmates, where they were all panicking because they couldn't repeat the textbook information the same way she did - and where I looked at myself not panicking and then thinking I should panic because everyone else is panicking, I should also panic because just like them I don't know all this information by heart

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the fear of others within believing that if everyone responds to fear within a certain situation - that this situation requires to be responded to with fear - where it is 'normal' to go into fear - instead of assessing the information within common sense practicality for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is real and that since everyone participates in fear, that it is something which is 'good' for us to participate in - without ever questioning the nature of fear as self-limitation where fear can never be good for oneself because even if one is in a danger situation, within accessing fear one's only placing more strain on oneself which leaves one less aware of the environment and more susceptible to the danger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if you are able to repeat information perfectly without looking at the information on paper - that this means that you 'know' the material and that you'll be able to pass the exam

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if you are able to repeat information perfectly without looking at the information on paper - that this means that you are able to sequence words/information just like they are on the paper without looking - but this does not imply any form of understanding - where one could for instance have learnt all the information of a textbook by heart but then fail the exam because one is not able to place the information with the corresponding questions - because the actual nature/essence of the material has not been understood as what the text is about, where one only focused on the 'picture presentation' of the material as the sequence of words without having any form of comprehension

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself unconditionally within that moment of seeing everyone panic in the face of the girl being able to repeat everything perfectly - where I knew that my study method worked because I had done it over and over again and always worked out - where I trusted myself in being able to answer the exam questions based on my understanding of the material / underlying dynamics/mechanics of what we had learnt and thus from within that point of comprehension be able to produce a perfectly adequate answer to any question pertaining the material

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that moment of seeing the girl being perfectly able to repeat the information and seeing everyone else panic - have lost complete trust in myself and my studying ability because I hadn't considered learning everything by heart because it just seemed like too much of a fuss - but now that I saw her doing it I felt like I had made the wrong decision and that my 'laziness' had gotten the best of me or something - within the belief that if you don't suffer during studying (which I felt 'learning by heart' was) - that something's wrong and that you're not doing it right / cheating the studying process and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that studying does not have to equal suffering

When and as I see myself reacting within fear to someone being able to regurgitate information from a textbook perfectly -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am entering a point of distrust within myself as self-doubt, even though my experience has shown that I can study and pass exams without memorizing information verbatim. Within that I commit myself to stop my fear and re-establish my self-trust

When and as I see myself observing others' behaviour in relation to an event -- and feeling compelled to adopt the same behaviour within the belief that 'if everyone's doing it, it must be the right/suitable thing to do within this particular situaiton' -- I stop and I Breathe -- I see and realise that the observation that 'if everyone is doing it, it must be right' - is not valid, as I have seen for myself that the world works in reverse -- and thus I commit myself to within moments where I want to 'follow the crowd' stop, check what is going on -- what behaviour I am trying to follow and flag it to work on within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself reacting within fear to a situation when I see everyone else also doing it -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that fear does not assist and support me so I stop myself and trust myself to not participate within fear, even when everyone else is doing this. I commit myself to look at the event and the fear it triggered and release myself from the connection/relationship of the event and the fear connected to it

I commit myself to show that fear is not normal nor 'supportive' in anyway whatsoever and is in fact a behavioural disorder we've all accepted and allowed within ourselves -- and just because everyone is doing it does not mean it's "okay"

When and as I see myself access the belief that 'if one is able to memorize information and spill it out perfectly one knows the material' in relation to studying -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that it is just that = a belief -- and does not have any practical relation to reality. I commit myself to show that our current educational system does not care about the effective integration of information within teaching as it teaches children to memorize information and are satisfied if they can regurgitate this without testing for actual understanding -- where all our current educational system cares about is performance goals, and where thus accordingly children will only care about 'goals' as 'grades' where they will do what it takes to get high grades without where students will memorise information and then spill it out during exams/tests and right after forget all about it -- revealing how ineffective our education system as become

I commit myself to trust myself within studying and to take the time to take in the information within understanding

When and as I see myself access the belief that 'if you're not suffering while studying, you're doing it wrong' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this is just an idea/belief I created and imposed on myself. And within that I commit myself to show that one does not have to 'suffer' while suffering and that it is possible to simply integrate the information within self-trust and access it when needed

Related articles

• Day 47: Studying and Fear
• Day 108: Control and Self Control Character Self forgiveness statements continued...
• Day 85: Manipulation Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 39: What if something's Wrong with Me?
• Day 103: Expectation Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 98: Morality Character Self-Forgiveness statements continued 3...

Day 14 - Trusting Fear - Anxiety and Me - Part 4

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find a sense of comfort and familiarity within fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected 'fear' with 'comfort' and 'familiarity'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this sense of comfort is not real -- as it is only the result of habitual conditioning of experiencing energy as fear where I have gotten used to experiencing fear and accepted it to be a part of 'Who I Am' and what defines me -- and where I thus find comfort within experiencing a part of 'me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a sense of control within experiencing fear and anxiety within having something which is 'familiar' and 'certain' to be right by my side when in situations of uncertainty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that fear helps me -- where in the past I faced points within fear and came out just fine, and where I had accredited this outcome of being fine / it wasn't that big of a deal, to the energetic experience of fear instead of accrediting it to myself and how I directed myself within the particular situation that I found myself in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that fear helps me to drive myself and prepare myself for situations -- where I end up being able to deal with a situation quite well and then accredit this outcome to the energetic experience of fear -- instead of seeing and realising that this was actually the result brought about by my own work through preparation and consistency and not anything to do with the energetic experience inside myself -- as I would have been able to achieve the same result with the same actions but without the energetic fear experience being present

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that fear in essence has no power whatsoever in terms of providing control, preparation and safety --- as fear can only do one thing which is feeding itself and had no practical purpose whatsoever for the being experiencing it -- it's basically a parasite

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed my trust outside of myself where 'it must have been something else' in terms of why something worked out for myself instead of seeing and realising that I had created this outcome for myself through my actions as preparation and that I should thus give myself credit and allow myself to trust myself instead of some energetic experience as fear which happened to also be there while I was walking through the point, but is not the reason why things worked out for myself -- and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if fear helps me and thus I should listen to my fear and basically shut down and not do anything -- that I would not have gotten anywhere at all, only showing how completely useless fear is

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worthy of trusting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot be trusted by default

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to make mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect failing at something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect not being able to do something -- at least not on my own

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to gift myself trust

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that there is nothing "wrong" or "bad" about mistakes -- it only means that I missed a point and where a learning opportunity emerges to not miss the same point again -- and is thus an opportunity to expand and grow within myself

When and as I find myself finding comfort within fear and anxiety -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have made this connection within myself through habitual conditioning and that this relationship between the two points is not real in fact: I created it

When and as I find myself placing my trust in fear to tell me what to do -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that fear can only feed fear and has no practical use whatsoever and does not have my best interest at heart -- instead I place my trust within myself and trust that I can direct myself appropriately within any given situation within the context of what needs to be done

When and as I see myself not feeling worthy of trusting myself -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this thinking pattern emerged from my past within my childhood family environment and educational upbringing and does in no way have to dictate how I live my life -- instead I allow myself to trust myself and commit myself to unraveling and releasing myself from my past so that my past no longer has the power to dictate my future

When and as I find myself givin credit to any emotion/feeling or thought for the outcome of a particular situation -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that emotions, feelings and thoughts have no such power as they are confined to my head only and that any physical action which as a particular outcome as result -- is due to that physical action -- and that the same outcome could have been achieved without the emotions, feelings or thoughts but NOT without the actual  physical actions which led to the particular outcome/result. Within that I also see and realise that emotions, feelings and thoughts only have the power I give to them and that it is up to me to act upon them or not -- and that without me acting upon them or feeding them, they are not of any significance as they can be stopped at any given moment without it ceasing my existence lol

Day 13 - Fear of Failure - Anxiety and Me - Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined failure in  terms of not meeting the expectations I believe others have of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined achievement in terms of meeting the expectations I believe others have of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing the idea of myself as who I believe myself to be and as who I want others to believe I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being busted for not being who I think/present myself to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to preserve the 'idea' of me as the 'I' as personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present a false image of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being "busted" where it is out there for all to see that I am not in fact the idea I would like to be / be seen as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing the image of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with an idea of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea of myself as how and who I should be based on people's expectations of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created and accepted the belief that I should meet the same criteria as my siblings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of primary school where the gym teacher was angry at me for not being able to dribble a basketball, pointing out that both my brother and sister had been excellent at this when she taught them and that she didn't understand why the heck I wasn't doing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that moment of the teacher getting angry at me for not being the same as my brother and sister in terms of a specific skill -- have made the decision inside myself that I should strive to be as good in things as my brother and sister in order to be accepted by others as authority and avoid conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not good enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in that moment failed my brother and sister and my family through not having met the teacher's expectation of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a bad person because I failed in that moment to meet the teacher's expectation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something wrong with me because I failed the teacher's expectation within that particular moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made the teacher's expectation of me, my own

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that I must perform at least as good or better than my brother and sister in order to be worthy in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself in comparison to my brother and sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assess and evaluate my self-worth through comparing myself to my brother and sister and then give myself plus points where I am as good in things as they are or better and negative points where I see myself short or lacking in skill

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must perform as good or better than my siblings in order to make my parents happy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must perform as good or better than my siblings in order to not disappoint my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disappointing my parents if I am not as good in things as my sister and brother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to please my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make my parents proud of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the "bad" child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear drawing attention to myself through being worse at things than my brother and sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must live up to my older brother and sister's standards as what they have achieved before me, and in whose footsteps I must follow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being as good in things as my brother and sister within the belief that if I am not as good in things as they are that this means that I am complete failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety whenever I hear someone praise my brother and/or sister as I feel the fear boiling up inside as "Oh no, how am I going to match this -- I am not like that, how am I going to manage living up to that?"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is my destiny to be clone of my brother and sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mold and shape myself in way that I believe will please the people who've praised my brother and sister without ever asking myself what I would like to do or would like to be

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to consider pleasing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been so focused on the external world and what I think the external world wants from me that I've completely ignored what I experience inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made decisions and gone into directions in my life in an attempt to chase my brother and sisters standards -- where I ended up making decisions which I did not actually wanted to take but felt compelled to do so in order to get closer to the ideal I was striving for as being as good as my brother and sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my brother and sister are better than me\

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself according to my family and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have certain duty to fulfill as a member of MY family and that I must maintain its "good name" at all cost

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear shaming my mother, my father, my brother and my sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not living up to my family's expectations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a burden to my family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear embarrassing my brother and sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my brother and sister to think good of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken my brother and my sister as examples to which I must live up to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I find myself not living up to the expectations as my brother and sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should be as good as my brother and my sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards my brother and sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as not good enough as who I am as a being here



When and as I see myself going into a state of fear of failure -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am the one setting the standards for myself and if I don't like the standards I am setting for myself, then I can change this

When and as I see myself going into a state of fear of failure -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this experience does not serve me in anyway whatsoever and is only limiting my experience of myself within that particular moment -- instead I allow myself to trust myself and be unconditional in whatever action I perform -- and simply do the best I can and not the best I think I should do as some idea that needs to be attained and maintained

When and as I see myself going into comparison to my siblings or anyone else for that matter -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I cannot compare myself to anyone but myself and what I am capable of within every single moment

When and as I see myself accessing inferiority -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed this inferiority to exist within and as my and have imposed this unto myself, while it does not have to be this way. Thus I stop participating in inferiority and I allow myself to participate in my world and other from an equal and one starting point

When and as I see myself defining myself and others according to their skills -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that skills is something that you learn and that we are all born without any skills except the skill to breathe, eat, poo and fart -- and thus it does not make sense to define anyone according to any skill as the skills one have does not define one as a being


I commit myself to changing the family system within the current world system of survival and competition to a structure of unconditional support where each member of the family is assisted and supported in developing themselves within their own specific expression -- where the role of the family is to assist, support, teach, develop and not to define, limit and control

I commit myself to changing the current education system and teachers to beings who understand how the actual physical reality and thus humans operate so that teaching can be done within the consideration of what is Best for All Life

I commit myself to changing the current world system where beings are valued in terms of their skills which can be applied to money-making to a world system where each one is valued based on LIFE and since all are equally Life, all are equally valued regardless of skill