Day 135: Stopping the Pattern

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear

When and as I see myself receiving an aggravated reply from someone and react to this input within anxiety and fear – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am accepting and allowing myself to let energy determine who I am both within and without and so I commit myself to breathe and ground myself within and as my human physical body until the energy dissipates

When and as I see myself reacting to me experiencing fear and anxiety as a reaction to receiving an aggravated reply from someone – within wanting to go into the point of ‘it’s better not to speak’ or ‘I could have avoided this if I didn’t speak’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that ‘not speaking’ is merely circumventing the issue which is myself and my acceptance and allowance of fear and anxiety to exist within and as me and allow it to determine who I am and the direction I take and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and ground myself as my human physical body -- let go of the thought and commit myself to work through the fear and anxiety within self-responsibility

When and as I see myself believing that my reaction as ‘it is better not to speak’ from a starting point of fear is justifiable within the belief that ‘it was the only logical conclusion/step to take’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the event could have gone different ways and do not accept and allow myself to defend my self-limitation within protecting my existence as fear and anxiety and so I commit myself to stop this backchat/justifications and face my fear

When and as I see myself access the belief / thought that particular traits/characteristics of personality just ‘happened’ to me where I did not have any control or say in how I adopted these attitudes – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have made the decision as a reaction to adopt these personality traits such as being shy/timid as a coping mechanism where I deliberately integrated these points within myself to protect my existence as fear and not question who I am and the world around me and so I commit myself to not take any beliefs for granted as beliefs of personality where I think that they just ‘happened’ to me and to walk these points out into specificity so that I can see/realise/understand how I have come to be this way and let go of these patterns of limitation

When and as I see myself access the belief that ‘not speaking’ is the only possible ‘solution’ to being faced with conflict/friction – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is not a solution but a reaction based within fear and so I commit myself to disregard my backchat as ‘don’t speak’ and to ground myself within and as my human physical body and face the conflict/friction unconditionally and trust myself to be able to assess within the moment what would be the best direction to take

When and as I see myself reacting to a person being aggravated within fear and anxiety upon seeing the particular energy as conflict/friction being emanated from the person within believing/perceiving that this energy is bigger/more than me and placing myself within a position of less than/smaller as self-victimization and self-imposed inferiority – believing that I cannot handle such energy/such a situation – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am merely reacting and that it is my reaction as fear and anxiety which poses a problem to me effectively moving and directing myself and so I commit myself to stop my energetic experience of fear and anxiety towards energy of conflict/friction and ground myself within and as my human physical body and re-assess the situation from a common sense perspective

When and as I see myself reacting to conflict/friction within my environment within ‘weighing off’ my options as ‘should I not speak and avoid conflict/friction’ or ‘should I push through my fear and speak’ – where I want to opt for the fastest and shortest way out of conflict/friction – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have scripted such an escape-route pattern within and for myself as a coping mechanism to conflict/friction within my childhood where I did not understand what was going on and how to deal with both myself and the other and within my confusion decided to just ‘shut down’ as the easiest way to deal with the situation and took on the personality of ‘shy’ / ‘timid’ in order to avoid conflict/friction and thus never allowing myself to effectively face and walk through the point of conflict/friction and so I commit myself to stop this pattern of hiding and to speak when I see I can speak regardless of fear and anxiety as a statement of self-value and self-appreciation

Related articles

• Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
• Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
• Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
• The Angels and Demons of God as ENERGY: DAY 226
• Day 228 - Working, the physical and emotion Part 1

Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a necessary connection between ‘speaking’ and ‘conflict/friction’ – where I believe that the one always follows the other

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed speaking in function of conflict/friction – where me speaking or not speaking will not depend on myself as what I want to express but is conditioned/linked-to the prospect of conflict/friction – where if there is a possibility for conflict/friction I will refrain from speaking and if I see no such prospect then I will speak and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that no self-expression exists within this as my responses are calculated, programmed and predictable according to the variables in place in my environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have put my life in service of energy/reactions – where all I ever do is manage my reactions and try to manage my environment to attain preferable/favourable reactions/energies within myself – where in the end there is no ‘me’ to speak of – as all I ever do is react in a programmable, predictable way – where ‘who I am’ as who I believe myself to be as a ‘person’ and a ‘being’ that is alive is just a joke as all I exist as is software running with no substance whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up on life and common sense in favour of avoiding conflict/friction so that I could avoid conflict/friction within myself – not seeing and realising that within this one singular point All is compromised completely – as when it comes down to making decisions about things that matter, I will always follow the path of energy and disregard Life – as this is what I decided and programmed/scripted within myself within not speaking if there is a prospect/possibility for conflict/friction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear energy as conflict/friction and within that made a deal within myself that it is totally okay and justifiable to do things when they get me to avoid conflict/friction -- no matter what the consequences or repercussions are

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value/prioritize energy over expression where I will accept and allow myself to compromise if it means that I may have possible avoided conflict/friction – and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise what such agreements within myself manifest within myself as the relationship I have towards myself where I basically state within living out such patterns that I am okay with compromising and betraying myself as long as I can get away from conflict/friction and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that within doing so that there is no point to Life because I have given away all my power and have accepted and allowed myself to have become a pinball being thrown around and will just function and act according to whatever inputs are given to me


Being on the farm this point has still been haunting me a lot if not daily. I truly believed that this would be a point that I would just have to ‘live with’ as something I would never be able to walk through/go beyond. But working with people here on the farm and working with animals (especially my horse) and in the end: working with myself – I’ve slowly but surely started to see that I don’t have to react within fear to conflict/friction. This is a really big point for me, but day by day, little by little, push by push I would start finding myself in situations of conflict/friction where it would be playing out right in front of me – and where I would just be here, stable and see how I could be able to direct this point. And then as it happened, I go “Oh my god – it’s just not there, it’s just gone – I can actually experience myself this way? Calm? Stable? This is amazing!!!!!”. And it is really a wonderful experience to be able to stand in situation where you’ve known yourself to have failed your WHOLE Life – and then, in just a small moment, you notice you’ve changed and that you do not have to be that limited version of yourself – that you never had to be that version of yourself. And it’s like ‘Ah’ – such a relief.

We get so brainwashed by our own beliefs of who we think we are and what we can handle, that we do not even try anymore to go beyond what we know/believe ourselves to be. And it’s such a pity, because we just waste our whole life away living out patterns and reactions that we created throughout children, just over and over and over and over and over again until your dead. That’s not freedom, that’s not free will – that’s entrapment.

If you are reading this and you find that you are not satisfied with who you are because of stupid fears and beliefs that hold you back from becoming the best possible version that you can be: definitely check out the Desteni I Process Lite and the Desteni Forum to step by step find out what it is that you’ve accepted and allowed yourself to become, and to slowly but surely push those limitations and boundaries until they shatter. Because who we are now and currently exist as, is only limitation – we do not have the slightest idea ‘who we are’ – so it’s time to get rid of these limitations and find out what’s underneath all that garbage.

Related articles

• Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
• Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
• The Angels and Demons of God as ENERGY: DAY 226
• Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie

Day 130: Holding Myself Back

I noticed an interesting little behavioral pattern of mine the other day. I was sitting with another discussing things, where I saw a point that I wanted to share – but where instead of simply immediately speaking and sharing here, in the moment – I first held back and kind of ‘buzzed’ inside myself as I went back and forth between ‘should I or shouldn’t I’. I then ended up speaking (though it was more like a mumble and had to repeat myself), and right after I was done I would instinctively move the scarf up that I was wearing, so that it was covering my mouth.

This action was quite clear in its ‘symbolism’ (don’t know if it’s really ‘symbolism’, since it’s pretty straight forward), where I was literally ‘gagging myself’ with my scarf – where I doubted saying something, said it, and then gagged myself in way saying ‘ok shut up now’.

So I took note of this point to work on later, as this was quite interesting.

Then later, I was working on my pc trying to figure out how to best do something. As I was looking at it I had an idea, and right away I moved my scarf up over my mouth. I noticed what I did since I had just seen it previously in the conversation I had, but this time there was no-one else in the room to talk to, and yet I was ‘gagging myself’ – which I found to be a bit awkward. Looking at it now, in terms of how I experienced myself in the conversation and how I experienced myself working on my pc – the scarf covering thing starts making sense.

While in the conversation when I would see a point I wanted to share, it’s like this ‘bubbly’ feeling inside my chest, like a little fountain squirting water that would occur – and instead of flowing with it I would stop and doubt and then ‘mumble share it’ and quickly cover my mouth as if I had already regretted speaking. While working on the pc and seeing how I could do something from a particular angle, that same ‘bubbly’/’fountainy’ experience would come up – where I immediately became insecure about what I wanted to do / being not sure about it and cover my mouth with the scarf. So it was interesting to see that even though within the pc scenario there was no speaking involved, the same pattern occurred indicating that it’s just a general point in relation to self-expression and not just speaking (which I thought it was after the conversation I had).


So within the next few blogs I want to work on this point of how I immediately hold back and kind of make myself ‘crawl back’ inside myself in relation to expression and just who I am in general as this is a point that seems to always be present in whatever I do, and most of the time. And to then also further identify other ways within which this point comes through because I’ve noticed that it doesn’t so much come through in thoughts so it’s harder to catch, where it just kind of ‘happens’ and I ‘slip’ into it, where it’s predominantly a point that comes through within how I hold myself physically and what movements I make (such as the scarf) and has like a ‘low profile’ energy experience being coupled to it. It’s basically like a quiet program running in the background the whole time, just slightly buzzing so I can only pick up on it if I really slow myself down and breathe.

Related articles

• Day 109 - Assertiveness and the desire to be right
• Day 135 - Family: The Root of All Relationships
• 233. Are we Anxious because We Know We Lie All the Time?
• Day 180. Don't Lose Control!
• Day 222 - I am worthless in Conversations and Self Sabotage

Day 30: Fear of Speaking - Part 2

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to participate within conversation fully and unconditionally, but instead go into the 'Fear of Speaking Character' -- where when I want to say something which is not in line with what the other person just said, I access all my past memories of when I said something and the event did not play out the way I hoped -- where the person came back at me within an emotional charge, I took it personal and 'shut down' inside myself -- and so whenever I am faced with a situation where I want to say something which is 'against the grain' of what the other person just said -- I filter through all the memories which I use to manipulate myself into fear of speaking -- where I access the fear of 'oh no, what if that happens again' and within that decide not to speak out of fear of going through a similar experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access the 'Fear of Speaking Character' whenever I want to say something which is not in line with what another just said and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me deciding not to speak in the moment because of the fear of some event happening -- is me diminishing myself and my self trust to direct myself appropriately in any given circumstance -- and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to be able to direct myself 'appropriately' -- where this 'appropriately' is me being here in the moment as breath, hearing the words which are spoken and assessing them within practical common sense (instead of going into an emotional reaction of taking the words personal, having no clarity at all and shutting down inside myself) -- and formulating a reply within self-honest self-reflection within having evaluated the words which were spoken

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the other being becoming emotional/defensive -- because fear myself becoming emotional -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must play the 'energy game' where if one person goes into a particular energetic charge that this means that I also have to go into an energetic charge and accept ourselves as slaves to emotions/energy

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that one does not have to play the energy game -- as playing the energy game simply means that one is not yet accepting self responsibility within embracing self as the directive principle and so I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take self responsibility for myself within being the directive principle in my life but instead chose to hide behind emotions and feelings so I apparently do not have to be accountable for my actions and decisions 'as I am but a mere victim of my fierce emotions'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I cannot continue participating within the 'Not Speaking Character' as each time I participate within this character I am being untrue to myself and diminishing myself little by little -- which only shows how little self worth and self respect I have for myself within placing illusionary fears over my own self-respect

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this energetic pattern I enter as the 'Fear of Speaking Character' is going to take time to remove -- as it took time to build where every moment I decided to not speak in my life out of fear became a building block of this character and thus I have to deconstruct the 'Fear of Speaking Character' block by block, layer by layer, memory by memory and correct myself through practical application and practicing speaking even when I fear it so I may integrate a new pattern within myself which is me being here as the physical and simply speaking when speaking here and not let the mind override that which is real

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to prove myself wrong within unconditionally speaking and unconditionally walking through the experience no matter what the outcome/result may be and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have gift myself the opportunity to change and expand myself beyond my self imposed limitations within giving my life away to characters which I've accumulated over my lifetime, allowing characters to dictate every moment of my life instead of me taking responsibility for myself and cleaning up the mess I've accepted and allowed myself to be and become