Day 87: Waking Up from a Dream

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 83: Sweet! I can get Angry now
Day 84: Vengeance is Mine 
Day 85: No More Grudges 
Day 86: I'm Never going to Talk to you Again! 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was small and got angry at my family, to go and write their name down in a little book under ‘people who I am never going to talk to again’ – as a to achieve ‘payback’ for the experience which I took personal and blamed them for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that writing down people’s name in a book under ‘people I am never going to talk to again’ – was an actual solution to my experience / how I felt in relation to family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘not ever talking to people again’ was a solution to me feeling bad / offended / embarrassed / ridiculed – while it was clear that I would not be able to maintain “commitment” and that this in no way altered the nature of me and how I reacted to others within embarrassment / ridicule

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gotten angry when it was pointed out to me how ridiculous my ‘coping mechanism’ was – where instead of seeing and realising that it is ridiculous/not working and actually investigating my experience and how it came about – I only got more angry and went further into blame

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let go of anger / feeling wronged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have specified my ‘blackbook’ technique, whereby I no longer placed people’s names in an actual physical book and promise that I would “never talk to them again” – but instead placed them in my ‘mental’ blackbook and made a note to exploit any future event that I can where I can make them feel bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gotten angry when I woke up from a dream where my sister killed my guinea pig and believed that this dream was telling me something about my sister as ‘who she really is’ – where I went into anger and hate and held on to it for several days, within the belief that she actually killed my guinea pig and that she was the actual cause for the experience of anger and hate within me – without seeing and realising that it was all me as all these points only ever took place in a dream, MY dream – and so I am the creator and the slave of my own creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken the dream where my sister killed my guinea pig and used it as an excuse/justification as to why it is ‘okay’ to hate her – as my dream had “shown” me what a bitch she really is, and so it is totally okay to hate her and be mean to her

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the dream was actually telling me the opposite, where it is not okay and justifiable to hate / be angry at my sister as everything that happened within the dream was of my own doing / creation as well as how I experienced myself within the dream and after the dream upon waking up – where the dream was showing me that even with my actual sister being removed from the picture, I will still end up creating the same scenarios for myself and creating the same experiences – and thus it was up to me to investigate these experiences and find out how they came about and how I can correct them

When and as I see myself wanting to place people’s names into my mental ‘blackbook’ for future payback – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am deflecting from the actual issue within focusing all my attention unto others – and so I commit myself to bring the point back to myself and investigate the point for which I am blaming another and correct it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself believing that payback is an actual solution – other than making me feel better – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am seeking / reaching for a quick fix, where I want to ‘feel better’ about myself without having to actual look at how I created my experience for myself and so I commit myself to stop, breathe – bring myself here as my human physical body and commit myself to investigate how my reaction / pattern got triggered and re-pattern myself within alignment of what is best for all life

When and as I see myself making commitment/promises that I cannot possible keep – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am making these promises/commitments from the starting point of energy as they are not practical within the realm of the physical and so I commit myself to stop, investigate the nature of myself starting point and correct myself

When and as I see myself going into an emotional charge of being angry or feeling wronged – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that it does not serve me, nor anyone else, to hold on to these emotions and so I commit myself to within a singular breath let go of the energy, ground myself here as my human physical body – and walk

When and as I see myself waking up from a dream where something happened and I took someone’s behaviour in my dream personal – and then modify/change my behaviour towards this person in actual physical reality ‘as if’ they really did it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this experience is revealing to me the extent that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my experience and within that I commit myself to use this as an opportunity to take responsibility for my inner experience and to investigate what the specific person represents within me and walk the point within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself having had a dream about a particular person which re-enforces my already existent idea about that person which I act out on within my waking time – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have created an idea/opinion about another which requires serious sorting-out and so I commit myself to investigate the ideas/beliefs/perceptions I have created around a specific person and bring these points back to myself within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself waking up from a dream within a particular state of energy – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this only further re-confirms that I am the creator of my own experiences and so I commit myself to take responsibility for my inner reality and to dissect whatever dream I just had as this dream obviously revealed to me a pattern to be investigated, as the dream indicate a point where I am still allowing myself to be directed by energy

Related articles

• Day 84: Vengeance is Mine
• Day 85: No More Grudges
• Day 86: I'm Never going to Talk to you Again!
• Day 114: The Dream Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2
• Day 78: Self-Rejection
• Day 50: Here -- Yet Lightyears away

Day 86: I'm Never going to Talk to you Again!

This blog is related to:
Day 83: Sweet! I can get Angry now
Day 84: Vengeance is Mine 
Day 85: No More Grudges 

As I was writing out my blog yesterday, two memories popped up in relation to the point I was working on.

The first one, was in relation to taking things personal and wanting to get 'payback' for my experience. Specifically, how I saw how I would 'mentally' put people on my 'blacklist' / 'blackbook' as a reminder that those people deserve payback.

When I was small and I just started being able to write, I kept a little colouring book in my drawer. In this colouring book, I would keep a list of all the people I would never talk to again, as a way to 'get back' at them.

This list mostly consisted of my family members and maybe some people at school.

I would for instance get really angry at my brother or sister, where something happened and I felt embarrased/ridiculed -- and then I would get all red in the face and say "I'm never going to speak to you again!!!" I would then run up the stairs to my room, take out my little bookie and write their name on the list.

To my "surprise", I would usually find their name already being written at the bottom of the list, upon which I only got angries because that meant that at some point in the past they had already 'done something unto me', where I told myself as was not ever going to talk to them again in response to that -- and that I had forgotten about it / did not stick to my commitment of not talking to them again -- which then obviously showed that my little 'technique' wasn't working at all and was completely useless. I would however still write their name down and move on with my day.

Then, for instance 15 min later, I would walk down the stairs and pass my brother who was busy on the pc, asking me what the time was -- and I'd reply something like "It's 3.15". He'd then get a grin on his face and go "HA-HA" (kind of like Nelson in the Simpsons) -- and then what just happened would dawn upon me: I just talked to him!

I'd get angry instantly, and go "I HATE YOU!!!!" -- while obviously I was angry at myself because I was embarrased that I'd just broken the promise that I was never going to talk to him again, which showed to be a ridiculous thing to do as I couldn't practically set myself up to never talk to my brother again, as we lived in the same household and I actually quite liked him / spend time with him in general.

What's also interesting was that I had actually forgotten all about the even 15 min after it happened, where I was just normal within walking down the stairs and telling him the time, until he pointed out that I just broke my own promise. Which means that in essense, whatever happened was never really a big deal, but that how I decided to deal with was just not a practical way of dealing with things, which then backfired at myself.

Within this memory 'popping up', it was also interesting to see how previously when working on my other blogs, and the point of 'putting people in my blackbook' opened up -- that I actually really used to do this, in terms of writing out their names as "I'm never going to speak to you again". Where this 'technique' proved to be innefective, and as I got older, I perfected my technique my 'blacklisting' them inside my mind, as making a mental note for later in the future to take any opportunity that I can to make them feel bad -- which actually worked in contrast to "not ever speaking to someone again". Obviously, it didn't "actually" work -- where yes, I got my revenge/payback but the actual point as the source/origin of my problems as how I experienced myself was never sorted out, as this never had anything to do with them.

The other memory which 'popped up', was in relation to the point/belief that other people cause/create experiences inside ourselves.

Here, I had dreamt that my sister had killed my guinea pig, and I was completely devastated and angry that she had killed him. I woke up right after the dream, and the first thing I saw as I opened my eyes, was my sister sleeping on the other side of the room. And I remember squeezing my eyes together and thinking "You bitch, you killed my guinea pig-- you are going to pay for this". Where I believed that because I dreamt that she had killed my guinea pig, that it was 'as if' she actually killed my guinea pig -- which was obviously not true. For the next few days, I would be distant around my sister and squeeze my eyes at her from time to time to show that point of "I remember what you did..." So here, what this experience/event actually shows, is that people DO NOT cause/create experience inside oneself -- as my dream clearly indicated. Because at that time it was quite clear that dreams are my own creation, as in they exist isolated in my mind, and so whatever happens there and whatever I experience -- is of my own doing/creation. But instead of using this event as an opportunity to see/realise that any experience inside myself is of my own doing -- I used it as another/excuse justification as to why it is 'okay' and 'justifiable' for me to hate my sister -- and thus why it is 'okay' and 'justifiable' to blame other people and not take self-responsibility for one's inner reality.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to Follow

Related articles

• Day 84: Vengeance is Mine
• Day 85: No More Grudges
• Day 78: Self-Rejection
• Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
• Day 83: Sweet! I can get Angry now
• Day 17: Betrayal - Anger and Me - Part 2
• Day 20: Angry People - Anger and Me - Part 5
• Day 29: Fear of Speaking - Part 1
• Day 114: The Dream Character Self Forgiveness Statements

Day 78: Self-Rejection

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked by my brother and sister, because I perceived them to be ‘more’ than me within being ‘older’ and within being able to ‘read and write’ – which I saw as two major access points into participating within this world, as words are everywhere and I at that time did not yet have access to this part of reality, but they did – where I accepted and allowed myself to define them within myself as ‘superior’ for having this skill/ability and within that defined myself as ‘inferior’ inside myself within not being able to read/write or even understand English

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to show that I was unable to follow the show because I was not able to understand English nor read the Dutch subtitles and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had defined myself as ‘stupid’ and ‘less than’ within not being able to read/understand English and so not being able to ‘pick up’ on the humorous points within the show

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to hide that I was not able to understand the humour because I was unable to read or understand English – where I wanted my siblings to see me as an ‘equal’ whereas I saw myself as ‘weak’ for not being able to read or understand English, where I feared that if this were to become ‘public knowledge’, that they would reject me from their group and that I would be left alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘prove’ myself to my brother and sister and show that I can do what they can and participate within the same things within the starting point of fear as being left behind – where I faked being able to do what they were able to do to seek acceptance and validation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have closely monitored my brother and sisters behaviour while watching the show so that I would laugh when they laughed, to pretend that I was able to understand what was going on and that I liked the same things they liked – so I could be part of the group

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to closely monitor my brother and sister’s reactions as laughter so that I could ‘pick up’ when something funny was happening and quickly ‘join in’ as to not feel being left out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when my brother and sister laughed to check whether I’d laugh just because they were laughing – have gone into anger and embarrassment within realising what just happened, where my ‘game’ had just been exposed and where I felt weak, inferior and clueless – but where instead of looking at my reaction and the nature of my behaviour – went into anger and blame where I saw their actions as mean and deliberate, where I blamed them for the way I was experiencing

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the reason why I went into anger, blame, inferiority – was not because of my brother and sister – but because what I was doing had just been openly exposed, where I already before anything happened was judging myself for my inability to read / understand English and thus unable to understand the humour – and where within that moment of them exposing me, these inherent feelings came out more intensified – but instead of taking self-responsibility I placed the responsibility within the hands of my brother and sister within “them making me feel this way” – without seeing and realising that the anger is only here because I already knew what I was doing towards myself within the relationship that I was busy creating towards myself, but did not do anything about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have blamed my brother and sister for how I was experiencing myself within the belief/perception/idea that they had done ‘injustice’ unto me – without seeing and realising that I was the one being unjust with myself within making myself feel dumb, stupid, weak, inadequate and inferior – and where they within that moment merely triggered these already existent emotions/definitions inside myself to come up to the surface – and so I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let go of this memory and the anger as negative energy attached to this memory – as I now see/realise/understand that this moment was merely an opportunity for me to see and realise what I had been doing to myself, but where I did not take responsibility for myself and my experience and also could not have within not having been taught the proper tools to deal with my own inner reality – and so I allow myself to let go of this memory as the various energies attached to it and embrace what happened as me within seeing/realising what happened and what requires to be done on my part to sort myself out


When and as I see myself accessing the idea that ‘older age’ means that someone is ‘more than’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is an idea that older people like to implement/use because It gives them an advantage as an unquestioned authority to keep doing what they’re doing without having anyone question them just on this point of ‘age’ and so I commit myself to let go of all value/meaning I attached to the point of someone being ‘older’ so that I can stop manipulating myself into submission just because of this belief

When and as I see myself accessing the belief that someone who can read and write is ‘more than’ someone who is not able to read and write – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that reading and writing are not skills one are born with, but skills that require to be taught within consistency – and so this does not carry any form of ‘inherent value’ as whether one is able to read and write is dependent on the environment one finds themselves within and what stage in life one is – and so I commit myself to let go of this value system/belief and when faced with this point to breathe and ground myself within my human physical body

When and as I see myself reacting within inferiority when faced with a skill/ability that I have not yet integrated as myself but that others have – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that having this skill is dependent on practice and so there is no point of impose inferiority unto myself as these only limits me and so I commit myself to take on the practice of the skill/ability that I am faced with within the realisation that this skill/ability doesn’t just come ‘out of nowhere’ but takes time, dedication and support to develop

When and as I see myself reacting within shame and embarrassment with regards to not having mastered a particular skill and where I want to hide this – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that if I am going to hide my inability to do something, then I am only going to keep myself within not being able to do something – and so I commit myself to stop participating within shame, embarrassment, judgment and so in hiding – as I see/realise/understand that there is no need for any form of judgment and that hiding is in fact counterproductive – instead I set myself up to open up the point of wanting to learn this new skill/ability and allow myself to move/grow instead of judging myself and holding on to my self-limitation

When and as I see myself access the belief that if one does not know a particular skill/ability that one will be rejected/left alone – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this belief merely reflects my attitude towards myself where I reject myself within being unable to do something, and so it is and has never been about ‘me proving myself to others’ – but ‘me proving myself to me’ within the belief that there was something wrong with me and within that very statement reject myself – and so I commit myself to stop participating within this belief and fear and commit myself to investigate the nature of my self-rejection and address it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I see myself wanting to or being busy monitoring others’ behaviour within ‘looking for clues’ on how to act – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this merely indicate insecurities within myself and so I commit myself to stop participating within this pattern, breathe, ground myself here as my human physical body and investigate the nature of the insecurity within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I see myself shaping/moulding my behaviour in order to be able to be part of a group – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that me wanting to change/mould myself and my expression indicate a problem with my self-relationship within and towards myself and so I commit myself to stop participating within this pattern – breathe, be here within and as my human physical body and investigate /take apart the point within writing and Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I see myself reacting within anger, frustration, embarrassment, shame, inferiority to something another says or does and within that go into an immediate movement of blame – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this moving into blame is me not taking responsibility for myself and my inner reality/relationship with myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and so I commit myself to be grateful for this event/situation as an opportunity to get to know myself better and re-construct my relationship with myself to one that is Best for All Life

 

Day 76: Wanting to be Liked

When I was a small kid, we were spending our holiday in Spain and at some point we went to a restaurant to eat. While we were there (or previously in the car) my brother and sister taught me the word ‘fuck’ (but it was in Dutch). Well, they didn’t really *teach me*, they taught me how to pronounce it and that it was some sort of verb and other than that all I knew was that each time I said it, they would giggle and laugh a lot. So I was like cool, when I say this, they laugh so that must mean they like me.

Afterwards in the restaurant, I took salted peanuts out of the little bowls that they had on the bar, and I would go to random people saying “If you fuck me I will give you a peanut” – now remember I had NO idea what I was saying – all I knew was that my brother and sister were having a ball, so I felt encouraged to keep saying the word and go to people, thinking “yay, they like me!”.

Then when we were busy leaving the restaurant, just before we went into the car, my mom asked me what I was doing, and I showed her the peanuts in my hand like I had done previously and again said “if you fuck me I will give you a peanut” – and there my mom went into a complete shock , her face went all red, and she gave me a little tap/slap across the check saying “STOP THAT” – “DON’T SAY THAT AGAIN!!”. So now at this point, obviously, my brother and sister were having SO MUCH fun, laughing at what was going on, I was just saying to my mom “fuck me, fuck me fuck me” -- and would keep doing it just because my brother and sister were having such a laugh – without having any idea what, what I was saying meant or what it implied.


We would also watch the Simpsons at home, which was the original English version, with Dutch subtitles – though I couldn’t read yet back then and didn’t understand any English.

So we’d then be sitting in the lounge and watch the Simpsons, and I remember them sitting in the couch behind me while I was sitting closer to the tv on the wooden floor. Because I couldn’t read and couldn’t understand English yet, I was using my brother and sister as a reference for ‘what is funny’. Each time they would start laughing, I would quickly join in the laughter like “HAHAHAHAHA yea that’s funny” while I actually had no idea what was going on or why they were laughing. This was because I didn’t want to show that I didn’t knew what was going on because I looked up to my brother and sister because they could already read and understand humour. And I also wanted to make myself feel ‘a part’ of something, where I felt that ‘laughing together’ created some form of ‘bond’ or ‘connection’ because it’s something that “just happens” where different people just laugh at the same time.

Since I would always laugh with a little delay (bc I would only start laughing once I could hear them laugh) to what was happening on the tv and kind of do it in an exaggerated way to ‘cover up’ that I don’t know what’ – it must have been pretty clear to them that I was completely clueless. So then they would start playing this game where they would both start laughing at the same time during an episode, while nothing funny was happening and then obviously I would immediately go HAHAHAHAH YEA SO FUNNY!! -- and then I was busted, because I was laughing while there was nothing funny and then they would start laughing at me for having felt for their ‘bait’. There I mostly got angry and disappointed because I felt embarrassed and betrayed – like, “how could they do this to me? That is so mean! “ And then I’d become more hesitant to laugh when they were laughing because now I couldn’t be sure whether they meant it or just wanted to trick.

Then, yeeeaars later, we were staying over at one of our aunts, and we were watching the Simpsons on tv. My little nephew (or is it cousin? Not sure) was sitting close to the tv while I was sitting behind him on the couch, and as the Simpsons started, you know you have that little intro that is different each time and is supposed to be “funny” – I started to laugh REAL HARD while nothing funny was happening, and I saw my nephew/cousin quickly look back to me and then back to the tv and go HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and do a really exaggerated laugh. I’d then started “really” laughing and then he got what I did and his faced change to being all upset/grumpy. While he was doing to exaggerated laugh, I for a moment felt good, like “gotcha” – where I was now in the position where my brother and sister had been previously, and could experience this what I perceived as ‘superiorness’ – but then as I looked at my nephew/cousin and saw how his face changed, I suddenly felt sooooo ashamed and cheated – because I had just done unto him what had been done unto me, as something I really did not enjoy. And then I couldn’t handle my own uncomfortableness and went to hide by my mom while eating stuff to distract me from my experience.

So what I found interesting about these memories is how clear it is as a child what you are doing, where you know you are doing something deliberately for the sake of the ‘feel good’ experience as ‘validation’, where in this case I was looking at ‘laughter’ as a point of personal validation as if that meant people liked me. Where I was willing to do whatever to make people like me – and then also how within perceiving myself as ‘not being liked’ – go into the nastiness/spitefulness of making another feel the same way.

Some interesting stuff to work with here – Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to Follow

Related articles

• Day 59: What are you Laughing at?
• Day 17: Betrayal - Anger and Me - Part 2
• Day 67: You can HEAR me?!
• Day 13 - Fear of Failure - Anxiety and Me - Part 3
• Day 57: Sound of Laughter

Day 30: Fear of Speaking - Part 2

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to participate within conversation fully and unconditionally, but instead go into the 'Fear of Speaking Character' -- where when I want to say something which is not in line with what the other person just said, I access all my past memories of when I said something and the event did not play out the way I hoped -- where the person came back at me within an emotional charge, I took it personal and 'shut down' inside myself -- and so whenever I am faced with a situation where I want to say something which is 'against the grain' of what the other person just said -- I filter through all the memories which I use to manipulate myself into fear of speaking -- where I access the fear of 'oh no, what if that happens again' and within that decide not to speak out of fear of going through a similar experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access the 'Fear of Speaking Character' whenever I want to say something which is not in line with what another just said and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me deciding not to speak in the moment because of the fear of some event happening -- is me diminishing myself and my self trust to direct myself appropriately in any given circumstance -- and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to be able to direct myself 'appropriately' -- where this 'appropriately' is me being here in the moment as breath, hearing the words which are spoken and assessing them within practical common sense (instead of going into an emotional reaction of taking the words personal, having no clarity at all and shutting down inside myself) -- and formulating a reply within self-honest self-reflection within having evaluated the words which were spoken

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the other being becoming emotional/defensive -- because fear myself becoming emotional -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must play the 'energy game' where if one person goes into a particular energetic charge that this means that I also have to go into an energetic charge and accept ourselves as slaves to emotions/energy

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that one does not have to play the energy game -- as playing the energy game simply means that one is not yet accepting self responsibility within embracing self as the directive principle and so I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take self responsibility for myself within being the directive principle in my life but instead chose to hide behind emotions and feelings so I apparently do not have to be accountable for my actions and decisions 'as I am but a mere victim of my fierce emotions'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I cannot continue participating within the 'Not Speaking Character' as each time I participate within this character I am being untrue to myself and diminishing myself little by little -- which only shows how little self worth and self respect I have for myself within placing illusionary fears over my own self-respect

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this energetic pattern I enter as the 'Fear of Speaking Character' is going to take time to remove -- as it took time to build where every moment I decided to not speak in my life out of fear became a building block of this character and thus I have to deconstruct the 'Fear of Speaking Character' block by block, layer by layer, memory by memory and correct myself through practical application and practicing speaking even when I fear it so I may integrate a new pattern within myself which is me being here as the physical and simply speaking when speaking here and not let the mind override that which is real

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to prove myself wrong within unconditionally speaking and unconditionally walking through the experience no matter what the outcome/result may be and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have gift myself the opportunity to change and expand myself beyond my self imposed limitations within giving my life away to characters which I've accumulated over my lifetime, allowing characters to dictate every moment of my life instead of me taking responsibility for myself and cleaning up the mess I've accepted and allowed myself to be and become

Day 13 - Fear of Failure - Anxiety and Me - Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined failure in  terms of not meeting the expectations I believe others have of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined achievement in terms of meeting the expectations I believe others have of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing the idea of myself as who I believe myself to be and as who I want others to believe I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being busted for not being who I think/present myself to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to preserve the 'idea' of me as the 'I' as personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present a false image of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being "busted" where it is out there for all to see that I am not in fact the idea I would like to be / be seen as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing the image of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with an idea of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea of myself as how and who I should be based on people's expectations of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created and accepted the belief that I should meet the same criteria as my siblings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of primary school where the gym teacher was angry at me for not being able to dribble a basketball, pointing out that both my brother and sister had been excellent at this when she taught them and that she didn't understand why the heck I wasn't doing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that moment of the teacher getting angry at me for not being the same as my brother and sister in terms of a specific skill -- have made the decision inside myself that I should strive to be as good in things as my brother and sister in order to be accepted by others as authority and avoid conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not good enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in that moment failed my brother and sister and my family through not having met the teacher's expectation of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a bad person because I failed in that moment to meet the teacher's expectation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something wrong with me because I failed the teacher's expectation within that particular moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made the teacher's expectation of me, my own

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that I must perform at least as good or better than my brother and sister in order to be worthy in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself in comparison to my brother and sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assess and evaluate my self-worth through comparing myself to my brother and sister and then give myself plus points where I am as good in things as they are or better and negative points where I see myself short or lacking in skill

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must perform as good or better than my siblings in order to make my parents happy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must perform as good or better than my siblings in order to not disappoint my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disappointing my parents if I am not as good in things as my sister and brother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to please my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make my parents proud of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the "bad" child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear drawing attention to myself through being worse at things than my brother and sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must live up to my older brother and sister's standards as what they have achieved before me, and in whose footsteps I must follow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being as good in things as my brother and sister within the belief that if I am not as good in things as they are that this means that I am complete failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety whenever I hear someone praise my brother and/or sister as I feel the fear boiling up inside as "Oh no, how am I going to match this -- I am not like that, how am I going to manage living up to that?"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is my destiny to be clone of my brother and sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mold and shape myself in way that I believe will please the people who've praised my brother and sister without ever asking myself what I would like to do or would like to be

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to consider pleasing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been so focused on the external world and what I think the external world wants from me that I've completely ignored what I experience inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made decisions and gone into directions in my life in an attempt to chase my brother and sisters standards -- where I ended up making decisions which I did not actually wanted to take but felt compelled to do so in order to get closer to the ideal I was striving for as being as good as my brother and sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my brother and sister are better than me\

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself according to my family and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have certain duty to fulfill as a member of MY family and that I must maintain its "good name" at all cost

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear shaming my mother, my father, my brother and my sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not living up to my family's expectations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a burden to my family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear embarrassing my brother and sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my brother and sister to think good of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken my brother and my sister as examples to which I must live up to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I find myself not living up to the expectations as my brother and sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should be as good as my brother and my sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards my brother and sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as not good enough as who I am as a being here



When and as I see myself going into a state of fear of failure -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am the one setting the standards for myself and if I don't like the standards I am setting for myself, then I can change this

When and as I see myself going into a state of fear of failure -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this experience does not serve me in anyway whatsoever and is only limiting my experience of myself within that particular moment -- instead I allow myself to trust myself and be unconditional in whatever action I perform -- and simply do the best I can and not the best I think I should do as some idea that needs to be attained and maintained

When and as I see myself going into comparison to my siblings or anyone else for that matter -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I cannot compare myself to anyone but myself and what I am capable of within every single moment

When and as I see myself accessing inferiority -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed this inferiority to exist within and as my and have imposed this unto myself, while it does not have to be this way. Thus I stop participating in inferiority and I allow myself to participate in my world and other from an equal and one starting point

When and as I see myself defining myself and others according to their skills -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that skills is something that you learn and that we are all born without any skills except the skill to breathe, eat, poo and fart -- and thus it does not make sense to define anyone according to any skill as the skills one have does not define one as a being


I commit myself to changing the family system within the current world system of survival and competition to a structure of unconditional support where each member of the family is assisted and supported in developing themselves within their own specific expression -- where the role of the family is to assist, support, teach, develop and not to define, limit and control

I commit myself to changing the current education system and teachers to beings who understand how the actual physical reality and thus humans operate so that teaching can be done within the consideration of what is Best for All Life

I commit myself to changing the current world system where beings are valued in terms of their skills which can be applied to money-making to a world system where each one is valued based on LIFE and since all are equally Life, all are equally valued regardless of skill

My Family & Desteni

During my entire childhood I had a very bad relationship with my father. I mostly spoke Dutch at home with my mother, brother, sister as well as at school – while my father spoke French and Spanish. I was always very scared of my father, he’d come home angry and frustrated from work and then take it out on us kids. My main experiences towards my father had been fear and anger and I kept my distance.

 Ever since I started participating with the Desteni, I could through the many videos, articles, forum discussion and interviews assist myself with better getting to know myself and understand how my experiences operate. At the same time I also discovered and was able to see why my dad acted the way he did – and that things weren’t as ‘simple’ as I had thought them to be (Eg – “He acts this way because he’s evil”). I could work through my own personal issues towards my father and within that change my attitude and approach in how I participated daily with my father. Once I started changing towards my father, my father started changing towards me.  Our relationship improved a little bit, but not that much.

 Then, after being on the farm for two years, my mom came for a second visit and my dad came with. For the first time in my life I was able to have an actual conversation with my dad. It wasn’t yet a ‘natural’ point but at least it was comfortable. Then a year and a half later (and some moreself-investigation and self-forgiveness later), my parents visited again – and for the first time in my life I was able to have actual fun with my father, have a cool conversation and enjoy each other’s company. It’s like we decided to open up a new chapter and leave the past behind. What had been done, had been done and there was no point holding on to it.