Day 198: What is going on Inside me? - Part 2

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 196: Irresistible Urge to Resist and Rebel
Day 197: What is going on Inside me?

When and as I see myself react in response to someone saying / asking me something and where I do not immediately understand/know what to do with the experience and react to it within interpreting what I *think* is going on – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am reacting and rushing instead of breathing and investigating and so I commit myself to stop, let go of the reaction and have a look at what happened / zoom in into the chain of events to identify what happened so I can give myself and the situation direction

When and as I see myself react within fear and confusion to my experience when sensing something is ‘off’ when someone says something – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am faced with a point that I have not yet investigated for myself and so I commit myself to slow down and investigate the point for myself

When and as I see myself going into backchat after having had a particular experience that I did not entirely understood – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that back chat is the result of thought accumulation and so I commit myself to trace my steps back and see where I missed a point that required direction/correction that was left untouched and give it direction

When and as I see myself wanting to immediately distance myself and object/protest/rebel against someone after they say / ask something without really knowing why – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is a point for me here to look at and that its never advisable to just ‘follow an inclination’ simply because it is ‘strong’ and so I commit myself to stop myself as I feel the urge, breathe, let go and investigate the chain of events

When and as I see myself ignore/brush away an experience within the assumption that ‘I’m probably just projection’ from the starting point of wanting to get this experience ‘over with’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am merely trying to give myself an answer for the sake of ‘moving on’ without actually, effectively moving/working with the point and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and investigate instead of assume

When and as I see that an experience keeps re-occurring no matter how many times I try to stop it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that my approach is not working and thus commit myself to find a different way / alternative as to how to approach the point

When and as I see myself starting to take out my frustration and irritation internally unto another – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this indicate that the point has already gone to far and way off track and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and trace back the steps to identify the point of origin and correct myself within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself invert an experience in relation to another where I overanalyse and interpret the experience instead of talking/speaking as the experience emerge – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have left experiences to ‘wander around’ in the past where they were left to grow and compound with no direction and so I commit myself to speak as it emerge and open up the point unconditionally

Day 197: What is going on Inside me?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 196: Irresistible Urge to Resist and Rebel
 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my experience when hearing another person speak where I did not know what to do with the experience and instead of looking directly at what is gone, went into fear and from there interpreted what ‘must be going on’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within fear and confusion to my experience when sensing something was ‘off’ when someone sad something instead of seeing and realising that whatever goes on inside me IS me and thus I should be able to see, assess and direct what is going on

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to breathe effectively when noticing the experience coming up inside me, where instead of being here, seeing and acknowledging I reacted and went into fear and confusion and interpreted what was going on which from there merely accumulated into further interpretation and back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within not understanding what is going on, to immediately want to distance myself from the person and object/protest/rebel against what it is they said without even really knowing why

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately want to object/protest/rebel/do the opposite of what the person is saying or asking without understanding why and without looking at whether it makes any sense at all to act this way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a moment/breather to investigate my experience but instead in wanting to ‘get over with it’, brushed it off as ‘oh it’s probably just me / I must be projecting’ without actually investigating it, just so as to be able to give myself an answer to my confusion so that I can ‘get on’ with my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate the experience and within this passiveness, allowed this experience and my reaction to it to just keep ‘swimming around’ within me without any form of direction where it accumulates and kind of goes ‘hello, heeeelllooo, HEEELLOOOOOO’ desperately wanting my attention to acknowledge its existence and give it direction where each time the experience would come up I would just kind of ‘No, go away – what are you doing here’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if my method of dealing with an experience is not working as in stopping it and ‘brushing it off’, where it keeps on coming back that obviously I need to change my method/approach and try something else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my experience of frustration accumulate within not knowing how to deal with this experience wherein I started to misdirect/misguide this frustration/annoyance/irritation with myself and my inability to deal unto the other person where I started creating new layers/dimensions to the point and making things more complicated instead of stopping, and tracing back all the steps aaaall the way to the beginning and really see what is going on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the tendency to invert all my experiences in relation to other people where I overanalyse and interpret them instead of talking/speaking/expressing as it comes up – where I leave the experience to wander and grow instead of opening it open and directing it

Day 196: Irresistible Urge to Resist and Rebel

I’ve been looking at a point where someone will say or ask me something – and where the words they speak ‘make sense’, but it just feels like something’s ‘off’ about it – and I immediately want to protest/rebel against what it is they are saying or asking – not because of the words spoken but simply because of the ‘vibe’ or ‘energy’ it carries. And the reaction is like immediate, like NO, I do NOT agree/ I DO NOT want to do that – as a reaction to kind of “shake” the energy off of me, like it’s disgusting lol.

It reminds me of when my mom would ask me to clean my room. It didn’t bother me that she asked me to clean my room – that made sense, but it would be the way she asked, like you can sense there’s something hidden behind it which was just all off and it didn’t want to have anything to do with it. Back then I thought I was merely ‘rebelling’ towards my parents as ‘authority’ but I actually didn’t have a clue why I experienced myself that way and why I was reacting and just DID NOT want to do what she asked me to do lol.

So I got now that when people talk, there’s a lot more information crossing the room besides just the words spoken – there’s a whole resonance/energy component that I had previously never look at or considered – which was what I was picking up on whenever I would react to my parents demands. It was not because they were not being rational that I would not want to do what they asked, but because I could sense that their starting point was not cool. And this can be pretty confusing because all you know is that there’s something ‘off’ about what someone is saying to you but when you try to pinpoint what it is that’s exactly off about it, you’re kind of grasping at air and that would leave me wiggly/unstable – because I have this experience inside me but I can’t explain it and I have no ‘proof’ so to speak that I can put forward to explain why I do not want to comply to the request.

So this started happening recently, where someone would ask me something simple to do and I would get like a buzzing feeling where for some reason I don’t want to do it. I got confused because I looked at the words and the words made sense – so why was I experiencing myself this way? I brushed it off, thinking that I must be projecting something unto the other person and should just disregard the experience and work on ‘not wanting to do things’ or something like that. But it didn’t stop, each time the same person would ask me something and it would have that ‘vibe’ to it, I’d buzz – and I’m like what the fuck??!!! What is going on??

This would happen over and over again, buzz by buzz and in the end I would actually end up getting seriously annoyed with the other whenever this happened.

So then I looked at how the person spoke the words, the energy it had to it and put myself in the other person’s shoes. If I’d speak/ask something that way with that ‘vibe’ with it – what is creating that vibe? So then I got that if I would be speaking/asking things this way, that there was a point of morality/fairness involved – where I would ask someone to do something not because it makes sense, but cause of some idea of fairness/morality and where I do not even know that I am participating within fairness/morality because in my mind it ‘makes sense’. So even though the message makes sense, the starting point is off – and because it’s coming from an idea of fairness/morality which has been justified through “reasoning” – it’s hard to catch that there’s something off about it, because from the outside looking at it, it makes sense .This was then later also confirmed where this point opened up in a conversation where the person could see they where coming from a fairness point in how they would do certain things and I was glad to know I wasn’t going crazy lol.

So what was interesting with this whole experience is how little we know about ourselves, communication and how to deal with particular experiences. I mean, as a kid I had the exact same experience, and the only thing I could do that somehow made sense was to resist, protest and rebel without really even knowing why – it just ‘felt like the right thing to do’. But what happens then is that you’re just playing a reactive game where say my mom is being reactive within how she asks me to clean my room and then I react in protest and rebellion which in turn she can use to justify why she is reacting the way she is and strengthen her belief point to which I will then react even more and before you know it you’ve got a little snowball turned into a massive ball of snow causing an avalanche of reactions – because both sides just feed it and feed it and feed it to no resolve.

So this was now also kind of happening where because initially I did not know how to deal with my experience, I would internalize it and basically make a mind point out of it as I didn’t know how to direct it so it was just kind of stuck inside of me and then I would start back chatting about it and then that’s how the annoyance would grow. Where in the beginning I would brush it away but the experience kept re-occurring and the irresistible urge to just not comply/rebel was getting seriously huge. So now I know that if I experience myself this way to simply ask like ‘Hey, why are you asking me this way’ and to open up the point and if I am just projecting cool, then I know and sort myself out and if not then cool, it’s out in the open and I don’t have to sit with this experience that has got no-where to go and who knows the person might find some assistance in it.

Because I was more and more leaning into the not complying/rebelling point but I saw this also did not make sense because this will also just strengthen any already existent reaction within another / give them more reason to do what they are doing -- but I also saw that I could not just ‘do nothing’’ -- which is why I decided to write this blog to get some clarity and it did lol.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to follow…

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