Day 189: Releasing Myself from Calorie Obsession – Part 2

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 186: Baggage from the Past – when is an ED really over?
Day 187: Sinner and Saint of my own Food Religion
Day 188: Releasing Myself from Calorie Obsession – Part 1

When and as I see myself experiencing guilt/shame/regret within the context of ‘I am a bad person’, thinking that ‘I shouldn’t have done that’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I created this experience for myself within having adopted particular rules/guidelines within my Morality Character where I labelled some foods as ‘good’ and some foods as ‘bad’ and will consequently according to what I eat either experience a positive energy charge connected to the ‘good food’ or a negative energy charge connected to the ‘bad food’ and so I commit myself to breathe, stop, let go and investigate what rules/script I adopted which resulted in my experience and delete/remove them

When and as I see myself experience guilt/shame/regret in relation to eating particular foods – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am the creator of my experience within my participation and development of my Morality Character and thus I commit myself to take responsibility for my creation and remove myself from Morality and align myself to Principle as what’s Best for my Body

When and as I see myself picking out food based on information linked to weight loss and gain – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am eating / feeding myself in order to satisfy my mind which is not the purpose of food and where as a consequence I make bad food decisions which I later regret – even though they were supposed to be ‘good decisions’ according to my food religion but my body then shows me otherwise and so I commit myself to let go and listen to my body and pick food / eat in order to sustain my body which is the purpose of food in the first place

When and as I see myself eating a food from the bad/fattening category and start thinking of ways I can make it ‘okay’ within considering what I will and will not eat in the future or consider particular exercises/activities as to ‘make up’ for those ‘extra calories’ where I am “calculating” things in my mind – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am merely trying to make up for ‘feeling bad’ and try to find ways to justify my decision so that I can ‘feel better’ – without looking at why I ate the food and why it is necessary to go and ‘make up’ for it and so I commit myself to stop and retrace my steps all the way back and investigate the trigger that set me off down this path of disordered reasoning

When and as I see myself accessing all my rules, codes and guidelines in relation to food and trying to figure out the ‘right thing to do’ while at the same time finding excuses/reasons why I ‘shouldn’t do the right thing’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that if I am constantly trying to do the ‘right thing’ while at the same time trying to avoid it – there is something wrong with my direction as I am conflicted about what it is I want and thus I commit myself to investigate my starting point and come to a commitment/principle that I can actually stand by within what’s Best for my Body

Related articles

• Day 188: Releasing Myself from Calorie Obsession - Part 1
• Day 185: When Food is no longer just Food - Part 2
• Day 187: Sinner and Saint of my own Food Religion
• Day 177: Ana - I Failed You
• Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
• Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin
• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia
• Day 184: When Food is no longer just Food

Day 188: Releasing Myself from Calorie Obsession – Part 1

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 186: Baggage from the Past – when is an ED really over?
Day 187: Sinner and Saint of my own Food Religion

 

When and as I see myself reacting to foods in my view when opening the fridge/cupboard within accessing ‘how much calories’ each food contains – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have trained myself over time to develop this habit to become automated as part of my food religion and so I commit myself to breathe, let go of all the information and simply look / see what it is my body would like to eat within the moment and base my food decisions on that

When and as I see myself reacting to foods in my view when opening the fridge/cupboard within accessing ‘how much calories’ each food contains and accordingly start judging some foods as ‘good’ and other foods as ‘bad’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become obsessed with calories and food without having properly investigated whether calories is a valid variable to base one’s food decisions on -- and as I have now seen, realised and understood that the body does not look/work with foods in terms of calories but the various substances it consists of which the body processes differently and so I commit myself to let go of the calorie conviction and disregard the information that comes up within breath and work with what me as my human physical body indicates would be best to eat

When and as I see myself judging particular foods as either ‘good’ or ‘bad’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that food in itself is innocent – it is what it is and it’s just here. It is neither good or bad but is merely a food which consists of particular substances which have particular effects when ingested and when ingested in combination with other foods – thus I commit myself to base my decision on ‘what to eat’ within looking/seeing what my body requires within that particular moment and to identify what food within that moment would be best suitable and which foods are not best suitable and within that I also see and realise that the same food will not always be the best option in every single moment but will depend on the state of the body at that point in time depending on the context of the moment and thus I additionally commit myself to be flexible and re-assess each moment individually and to not base my decisions on past memories as they may not be relevant to the moment and interfere with what is Best for my Body

When and as I see myself pick a particular food based on its caloric content – I stop and I breathe – I check my starting point and ask myself whether this is indeed the best food to within the moment eat and check how my body responds and so I commit myself to use my body as a feedback system to check whether or not to eat something and disregard caloric value


When and as I see myself scanning the various foods in the fridge/cupboard and start accessing all the data I have accumulated while participating within Anorexia in relation to the various foods – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the information I am accessing is obsolete and no longer relevant as it is not a reliable method to use as a base to make one’s eating/food decision on and so I commit myself breathe, let go, ground myself within and as my human physical body and check my body to see what it is that would be most supportive to eat within the moment

When and as I see myself comparing foods based on their caloric content – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that looking only at calories is an isolated and limited means to base one’s eating/food decisions on and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, let go of the information and to check with my body what is required to be eaten

When and as I see myself experiencing guilt/regret/shame and a sense of failure when eating a food that I am ‘supposed to not eat’ according to my Eating Disorder Food Religion – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these emotions and feelings are an untrustworthy feedback system to base my food decisions on as they are feedbacks from the mind and not from the body and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and let go of the emotions and to check with my body and take note of how my body responds to particular foods within a particular context for future reference from a starting point of what is Best for my Body rather than looking at what’s best to fulfil my Food Religion ideas of the Mind

When and as I see myself wanting to eat a particular food to which I have linked a high caloric content and eat it from a sense of ‘spitefulness’ and ‘eat it anyway’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am acting from reaction which is not a solution as I have not yet re-aligned my starting point but am merely ‘rebelling’ and ‘opposing’ still within the framework of calories which indicates to me that even though I am acting ‘backwards’ I am still participating / holding on to the same starting point as calories as ‘anti-calories’ – as I am merely going ‘against’ the calories without actually checking whether within disregarding the calories the same food option still stands -- and so I commit myself to breathe and ground myself within and as my human physical body as to not make decisions based on emotions/judgments/reactions as ‘rebellion’ towards ‘calories’ but to check with my body what it requires within the moment that would be most supportive to eat and make my decision according to that

Related articles

• Day 187: Sinner and Saint of my own Food Religion
• Day 185: When Food is no longer just Food - Part 2
• Day 184: When Food is no longer just Food
• Day 186: Baggage from the Past - when is an ED really over?
• Day 279: Anorexia and Desteni
• Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
• Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia
• Day 306: Encryption of the System of Self
• Day 154: Cutting the Strings

Day 187: Sinner and Saint of my own Food Religion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am hungry or feel like eating something and open the fridge/cupboard to see what food there is – react to what I want to eat when looking at the amount of calories I have connected to the food wherein I still use this point of calories as a measure of ‘what’s good’ and ‘what’s not good’ – where I will feel like eating something but then consider its ‘high calorie content’ and then stop and go for something which has a low calorie content within thinking that that’s ‘the better choice’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I have to make a decision about what I am about to eat and open the fridge, to still from time to time scan all the foods and consider all the information I have attached to each particular food present in the fridge and will weight each one’s data against one another and according to that pick what I eat – wherein that moment I completely ‘forget’ about my human physical body and what I as my physical body feel like eating and rather just follow ‘information’ without my decision based on this information being necessarily what is Best for my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see the thought come up towards a particular food, where I think that I shouldn’t eat it and that it’s ‘no good for me’ in terms of ‘putting on weight’ but then shove the thought aside in a sense of spitefulness and eat it anyway – go into an experience of guilt and regret when finishing the particular food/sweets where I believe I made a mistake and that I am now a failure

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise how I have created this experience for myself through a Morality character where because I labelled some foods as ‘good’ and some as ‘bad’ and decided to forgo the good for the bad – that I am now a ‘bad person’ because I ‘broke the rules’ and should not have done that

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that in turn I am the creator of this Morality character and had to participate within the labelling of things as right and wrong and good and bad and believing in these values for the Morality Character to exist and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my experience is merely the result of my ideas and beliefs and can thus be changed

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to listen to my body when looking into what to eat but instead follow my Food Religion as all the information I have accumulated over time and sorted by relevance in terms of ‘losing/gaining weight’ – where I will eat both the so called ‘good’ and ‘bad’ things and yet depending on the moment can still find myself experiencing adverse effects due to the foods chosen within only looking at the foods in isolation and not considering my body and what I have already eaten / what is compatible within the moment as I only sought compatibility with the ideas and beliefs in my mind in order for myself as my mind to ‘feel better’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I find myself eating a food from the bad/fattening category to start thinking of ways I can make it ‘okay’ within considering what I will and will not eat in the future or consider particular exercises/activities as to ‘make up’ for those ‘extra calories’ where I am “calculating” things in my mind – but where I am actually more playing guesswork within trying to ‘calculate’ and ‘rationalise’ the guilt away for eating what I ate instead of looking at my starting point of eating the food and identifying/tracing the origin/emergence of the guilt and correcting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a Religion about Food where I can’t just eat and nourish my body because I have made up all these rules and regulations to which I have to abide if I want to be a ‘good girl’ within the religion – while I at the same time constantly looking for/ scouting for loopholes that I can use to escape the very rules and codes I created for myself within my own religion wherein I am constantly shifting from being a faithful servant to a sinner and get lost in inner-conflict as I can’t make up my mind about what I want

Related articles

• Day 184: When Food is no longer just Food
• Day 185: When Food is no longer just Food - Part 2
• Day 177: Ana - I Failed You
• Day 186: Baggage from the Past - when is an ED really over?
• Day 179: You Reap what You Sow
• Day 178: Fail-You-Are - Redefining Failure

Day 186: Baggage from the Past – when is an ED really over?

I’ll be going through my day and everything is normal and then I would for instance open the fridge and want to eat a particular food and then a thought quickly flashed by that goes “No, don’t do that – don’t you know how many calories is in that??” Like randomly, out of nowhere, completely out of context. And then I actually go “hmmm – good point there” and then “what no! what am I doing?!” and then have to snap myself out of it.

Or I’m busy doing some exercises just because its fun and supportive and then there will be a small moment where I go “I wonder how many calories you burn doing this” – like a sneaky little thought that crawls up from the back of your head and then I actually start shifting my perspective/approach on the exercise I’m doing and go “hmm yes interesting how many calories am I actually burning hmmm I wonder if its more or less than that exercise – oh maybe eating that piece of chocolate earlier is being cancelled out right now…” and then if I don’t stop myself it just goes round and round and round and I start looking at everything in terms of losing wait and calories and fat and how to cancel things out and making plans for the future of what I am and not going to eat because if I eat this then I cannot eat that but then maybe later if I do that then it’s okay and and and… – it just spirals out really quickly. Just from following that one thought – where I go ‘ok thought, I give you permission to exist’ and then after I give it the ‘okay’ it starts bringing in all its friends and they bring their friends and before I know it there’s a full blown party in my head and it’s like I’m having an ED episode all over again.

So every day I see there are still little temptations, little points that if I allow myself to go there, the whole ED thing comes falling right back from the sky and then boom – I’m in it. Because it only takes that one thought, that one point where you kind of start looking at something in distorted way, kind of tilting your head into a different angle – and then that’s enough to screw yourself over. That one point of acceptance and allowance of ‘one little thought’ literally floods the gate for shit to come pouring in. If you allow that ONE point, you allow ALL of it.

So it’s quite interesting to see how I go through my day because it’s really a matter of ‘all or nothing’ where I either don’t participate in this type of stuff or where when I do I can just see how it just kind of start seeping in from all the corners of my day, like it literally starts to frame my day from this one perspective only until I go ‘Uh oh, what am I doing – stop!’

Earlier I was going through some checklists to see how people are ‘diagnosed’ with Eating Disorders as usually these type of things contain a list of disorder behaviour and the more you click ‘yes’ the more likely you have this or that disorder and I wanted to see what was considered normal and what not. So now in one of these lists, most of the points consisted of points/thoughts that most people have like: not wanting to be fat, wanting to be thin, feeling guilty after eating a lot, exercising to lose weight, caring about how you look, etc, etc – and then you also have the extreme points like starving yourself and binging and puking and flooding yourself with meds and laxatives. Yet if you only tick the ones I mentioned first, you don’t have an eating disorder and if you tick the points I mentioned last: you do.

Which is weird because from my perspective, it’s all disordered. Starving, binging, puking, meds and excessive exercise are just the outflow / extreme end of those other seemingly ‘innocent’ points that everyone has where you’re ‘conscious of how you look and what you eat’. I mean, I’ve been there – I had the ‘innocent thoughts’ and I followed them and you end up in a pretty screwed up situation. As long as we allow any form of distortion towards food and our bodies there will always be serious eating disorders like anorexia en bulimia – because those ‘innocent thoughts’ are merely the key to a door with a very long hallway with destination Eating Disorder. You may not go all the way down the hall but you’re still in the same building. It’s not just people who are seriously underweight and physically deteriorating that require ‘treatment’ for their disorder – because they’re just on the far end of the construct – and it’s a construct everyone participates in.

Related articles

• Day 183: Anorexia - Lifestyle or Disease?
• Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin
• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 185: When Food is no longer just Food - Part 2
• Day 167: The Big Fall
• Day 274: Eating Disorders and Desteni
• Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Writing - Part 3
• Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
• Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
• Day 172: My Dirty Little Secret

Day 185: When Food is no longer just Food – Part 2

When and as I see myself participating within thoughts deliberately aimed at undermining my body for the sake of achieving a particular picture presentation – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these thoughts are not supportive and not sustainable and have to stop,, I also see and realise that I have integrated these thoughts pattern through repetitions through time and will take time and continuous dedication to stop and correct myself and so I commit myself to breathe, let go of the thought(s) and ground myself within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself participate within disordered thought patterns which I know do not make sense and only serve to manipulate myself into actions of self-sabotage which I will then later regret – I stop and I breathe – I have seen the beginning and end of this pattern and takes me no-where and so I commit myself to and let go and save myself the unnecessary regret of not sticking with common sense

When and as I see myself participating within non-supportive thoughts to my physical well-being in relation to food and my body where I take/look at a piece of food and start going through all the information and knowledge I have about that particular food and will weigh out the ‘good’ against the ‘bad’ within the framework of ‘will this make me fat’ – and then base my decision to eat or not eat the food on that – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the information I gathered while I was having an eating disorder was selective and in line with my obsession and thus this information is not reliable as I will only ever use it to justify disordered eating patterns and so I commit myself to let go of all the knowledge and information and to simply check within myself as my human physical body what it feels like eating and work with that

When and as I see myself looking at foods in terms of only the information and knowledge I have about them – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is a very limited way of interacting with food as all I know is a bunch of numbers like calories and have ideas of morality of what properties of the food are ‘good’ and ‘bad’ but do not actually in any way whatsoever know the food for real but only know of the idea that I have about the food which keeps me from actually dealing with the food and basically making completely random food choices which are not substantiated in fact as I have no idea how my human physical body actually operates and processes foods and so I commit myself to let go of all that I thought I knew about food while participating within an ED and to trust my body to tell me what foods are required to be eaten

When and as I see myself meticulously scanning my body and start noting down all the things that are apparently ‘wrong’ with it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these ideas/judgments/ideals were not always a part of me and do not have to be there – as these judgments in terms of what the body ‘looks like’ in no way serve in catering for my body’s well being and so I commit myself to stop and embrace myself as my human body unconditionally and be grateful for the unconditionality of my body being here and still being here after all I have put it through

When and as I see myself repeating thoughts I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am literally brainwashing myself as I have seen and realised how this would play out in the past and so I commit myself to stop right then and there as there is no point to allow such a point to accumulate to complete integration and automation but to rather nip it in the bud and prevent any unnecessary consequences from taking place

When and as I see myself doing / thinking / saying /writing something which I, inside myself know I shouldn’t be doing within experiencing it as essentially ‘stabbing myself in the back’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I can’t lie to myself and that if I continue lying and cheating on myself I will eventually get tired of myself so I commit myself to stop and correct myself right then and then and to not let this pattern play out any longer unnecessarily

When and as I see myself justify my actions over and over again and coming up with new ways of justifying what I am doing – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I only use justification to cover something up which I inherently know I should not be doing and so I commit myself to stop and flagpoint these justifications to remind me that I am not being honest with myself and require to review my self-application

When and as I see myself going into that same vibe/train of thoughts that marked my eating disorder phase – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am entering dangerous territory and do not want to go there because if I go there I have to anyway get out of it again so I might as well stop right now and here and get over it as that is inevitable – and that is what I commit myself to

Related articles

• Day 184: When Food is no longer just Food
• Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
• Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
• Day 183: Anorexia - Lifestyle or Disease?
• Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia
• Day 274: Eating Disorders and Desteni
• Day 177: Ana - I Failed You
• Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder - Part 1
• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance