Day 217: Suppression will keep me Safe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an automated pattern of expressing things ‘quietly’ within the chambers of my mind / internal reality before even considering expressing / voicing myself out loud / within my external reality out of a fear of potential/possible conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined it as ‘safe’ to express things within my mind as thoughts and eventually backchat – where I believe that I am escaping consequence through not voicing myself out loud in my environment / external reality and within doing so avoiding any conflict that may arise from my ‘point of
view’, while still being able to ‘have my say’, even though I am the only one hearing it…

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have in no way been ‘escaping consequence’ and ‘avoiding conflict’ within keeping myself to voicing my point of view only as thoughts within my mind – as I have clearly experienced the consequence and conflict that results within, from not sharing what I have to say within a particular situation, where within me only voicing my point of view within my mind, I am the only one being able to take it into consideration and thus there is no space for others to receive my feedback and adjust/re-align points in the external reality that we share, which will thus result in the same point returning over and over again and thus me repeating my point of view within my mind over and over until it becomes a point of back chat and dream possession, where I may have possibly avoided an argument, but am now stuck with inner conflict / energy possession that I have to direct, which in the end still leads to me having to simply express/voice myself in the moment as the opportunity opens up no matter whether there is conflict forecasted or not, as this is the only way to get our external reality managed while and keeping the peace inside myself lol – there is no ‘other way’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conditioned my expression in an absolute way as a result of only one / a few occasions/occurrences of violent conflict within my life in relation to expression, where from those few instances/occurrences I created an absolute, fixed, eternal ‘rule’ as to how I am now going to behave and express myself at all times no matter the context of the situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conditioned my expression within tying it to the possibility of conflict (where the possibility is always there if you’re paranoid enough about it) where I created a character and personality of ‘rather keeping things for myself’, where this ‘rather’ is purely based on fear and is not really/actually any form of ‘preference’ or ‘indication of who I am’ but simply a fear-based defense mechanism where I believe I am keeping myself ‘safe’ through holding myself back

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that in an attempt to ‘try and be safe’ within not speaking / expressing myself out loud within my external reality ,but resorting to suppression as internally ‘thinking about it’ – I am in fact placing myself in harm’s way as I am encouraging myself to become a danger to myself within allowing thoughts and backchat to accumulate to a point where it just ‘explodes’ and ‘needs to come out’ which even though it hasn’t happened yet, can lead to possible consequential situations/events where I can put myself and others in harm’s way through acting out a Mind Possession

Related articles

• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 394: Personal Choice and the Effect on One's Life
• Day 364 - May I speak Please Part 2
• Day 351 - Mirage of self Part 3
• Day 357 - Writing about who I am within Writing Part 2
• Day 348 - Ignoring the obvious point in the Moment.

Day 54: Reading Sounds

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 51: Shocking Sounds
Day 52: Prelude – Don’t take anything for Granted
Day 53: I Am Robot

When I was young there was quite a bit of conflict in our house.

I’d be sitting in my room which was all the way in the attic and be busy doing stuff. Then I’d hear the front door open and hear the ‘loud bang’ of the door being closed. I’d start cringing inside myself because I ‘d know my dad was home. For the rest of the evening I would sit in my room and be on edge and listen carefully to the sounds in the house so I could be ‘prepared’ if any conflict were to arise. If nothing happened for that evening, I’d be edgy but after a while kind of forget about it. Some nights however, there would be loud noises coming from downstairs, where I could discern my parents arguing, but mostly my dad being very loud. My heart would start beating very fast and loud and I’d become all anxious because usually this meant that I / we (the kids) were in trouble. I’d either go and lock myself up in the toilet (because I reasoned that no-one can come and confront you / lash out on you if you’re on the toilet lol) or I would go and lie in bed with the sheets covering me completely, hoping I would fall asleep and just ‘block it out’. Other days I’d quietly open the door of the room and go sit on the stairs to see if I could hear what they were being loud about and ‘assess the damage’ so to speak. What I’d be looking out for most of the time was the movement of the sound through the house. I felt pretty bad when my dad was pissed off at us and taking it out to my mom while they were downstairs in the living room/kitchen/lounge – it was bad, but I could handle it, because at least then my dad was not ‘in my face’. The worst was when I would hear him go into the corridor. Then, things could go into two different directions: A) He was coming for us or B) he was going to the computer room which was one level below our room (me and my sister shared rooms at that point).

My dad is quite heavy and his steps on the stairs are very noticeable. The moment the door would open downstairs I’d get the hell away from the stairs and cower in my room. I would keep my breath in and carefully listen to the sounds on the stairs – doof, doof, doof – and then there was that one deciding moment where he would reach the level below us by the computer room, which was always the moment of suspense: was he gonna go into the pc room and play pc games – or was the sound going to continue indicating he was coming for us? He used also be a very heavy breather so you could also just hear his breath coming closer and closer.

When he’d go into the pc room I’d be soooo relieved – and if I heard the sounds continue/get closer/louder I’d practically pee my pants, wait for him to get to our room – he’d lash out and I’d just be petrified (and peeing my pants) and just wait out his episode. I never said anything and would just sit there and try hold my tears because I did not want to trigger anything which could escalate the situation.

So what’s interesting within this specific memory point is the dominant role ‘sound’ plays – where my entire beingness was tuned in and focussed towards sound only, and would assess the situation according to what sounds were in the house , the direction/movement of the sound and how loud/close it was. There was the door opening and closing, there was the screaming downstairs, there was the sound of the steps on the stairs, there was the breathing, there was the creaking of the pc-room door, there was the crescendo in sound as he’d be moving closer, …

Within that, my reactions and how I would experience myself were completely linked to all the various sounds, and as the sounds changed/progressed my experience would change/progress. So this is quite cool for me to see how I create this relationship with sound as ‘screaming’ – where I now become edgy/anxious whenever I hear the parrots scream – based on memories from probably over 10 years ago and the connections/relationships I formed then and there to particular sounds – which are now, all these years later still controlling and directing me.

Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements to Follow

Related articles

• The Sound within the Energy-Body of a Child - Part 2: DAY 105
• Day 51: Shocking Sounds
• The Science of Thought - Introduction: DAY 149
• Mind-Energy Filters in Children - Part 1: DAY 106

Day 30: Fear of Speaking - Part 2

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to participate within conversation fully and unconditionally, but instead go into the 'Fear of Speaking Character' -- where when I want to say something which is not in line with what the other person just said, I access all my past memories of when I said something and the event did not play out the way I hoped -- where the person came back at me within an emotional charge, I took it personal and 'shut down' inside myself -- and so whenever I am faced with a situation where I want to say something which is 'against the grain' of what the other person just said -- I filter through all the memories which I use to manipulate myself into fear of speaking -- where I access the fear of 'oh no, what if that happens again' and within that decide not to speak out of fear of going through a similar experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access the 'Fear of Speaking Character' whenever I want to say something which is not in line with what another just said and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me deciding not to speak in the moment because of the fear of some event happening -- is me diminishing myself and my self trust to direct myself appropriately in any given circumstance -- and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to be able to direct myself 'appropriately' -- where this 'appropriately' is me being here in the moment as breath, hearing the words which are spoken and assessing them within practical common sense (instead of going into an emotional reaction of taking the words personal, having no clarity at all and shutting down inside myself) -- and formulating a reply within self-honest self-reflection within having evaluated the words which were spoken

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the other being becoming emotional/defensive -- because fear myself becoming emotional -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must play the 'energy game' where if one person goes into a particular energetic charge that this means that I also have to go into an energetic charge and accept ourselves as slaves to emotions/energy

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that one does not have to play the energy game -- as playing the energy game simply means that one is not yet accepting self responsibility within embracing self as the directive principle and so I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take self responsibility for myself within being the directive principle in my life but instead chose to hide behind emotions and feelings so I apparently do not have to be accountable for my actions and decisions 'as I am but a mere victim of my fierce emotions'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I cannot continue participating within the 'Not Speaking Character' as each time I participate within this character I am being untrue to myself and diminishing myself little by little -- which only shows how little self worth and self respect I have for myself within placing illusionary fears over my own self-respect

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this energetic pattern I enter as the 'Fear of Speaking Character' is going to take time to remove -- as it took time to build where every moment I decided to not speak in my life out of fear became a building block of this character and thus I have to deconstruct the 'Fear of Speaking Character' block by block, layer by layer, memory by memory and correct myself through practical application and practicing speaking even when I fear it so I may integrate a new pattern within myself which is me being here as the physical and simply speaking when speaking here and not let the mind override that which is real

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to prove myself wrong within unconditionally speaking and unconditionally walking through the experience no matter what the outcome/result may be and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have gift myself the opportunity to change and expand myself beyond my self imposed limitations within giving my life away to characters which I've accumulated over my lifetime, allowing characters to dictate every moment of my life instead of me taking responsibility for myself and cleaning up the mess I've accepted and allowed myself to be and become

Day 14 - Trusting Fear - Anxiety and Me - Part 4

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find a sense of comfort and familiarity within fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected 'fear' with 'comfort' and 'familiarity'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this sense of comfort is not real -- as it is only the result of habitual conditioning of experiencing energy as fear where I have gotten used to experiencing fear and accepted it to be a part of 'Who I Am' and what defines me -- and where I thus find comfort within experiencing a part of 'me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a sense of control within experiencing fear and anxiety within having something which is 'familiar' and 'certain' to be right by my side when in situations of uncertainty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that fear helps me -- where in the past I faced points within fear and came out just fine, and where I had accredited this outcome of being fine / it wasn't that big of a deal, to the energetic experience of fear instead of accrediting it to myself and how I directed myself within the particular situation that I found myself in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that fear helps me to drive myself and prepare myself for situations -- where I end up being able to deal with a situation quite well and then accredit this outcome to the energetic experience of fear -- instead of seeing and realising that this was actually the result brought about by my own work through preparation and consistency and not anything to do with the energetic experience inside myself -- as I would have been able to achieve the same result with the same actions but without the energetic fear experience being present

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that fear in essence has no power whatsoever in terms of providing control, preparation and safety --- as fear can only do one thing which is feeding itself and had no practical purpose whatsoever for the being experiencing it -- it's basically a parasite

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed my trust outside of myself where 'it must have been something else' in terms of why something worked out for myself instead of seeing and realising that I had created this outcome for myself through my actions as preparation and that I should thus give myself credit and allow myself to trust myself instead of some energetic experience as fear which happened to also be there while I was walking through the point, but is not the reason why things worked out for myself -- and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if fear helps me and thus I should listen to my fear and basically shut down and not do anything -- that I would not have gotten anywhere at all, only showing how completely useless fear is

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worthy of trusting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot be trusted by default

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to make mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect failing at something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect not being able to do something -- at least not on my own

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to gift myself trust

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that there is nothing "wrong" or "bad" about mistakes -- it only means that I missed a point and where a learning opportunity emerges to not miss the same point again -- and is thus an opportunity to expand and grow within myself

When and as I find myself finding comfort within fear and anxiety -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have made this connection within myself through habitual conditioning and that this relationship between the two points is not real in fact: I created it

When and as I find myself placing my trust in fear to tell me what to do -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that fear can only feed fear and has no practical use whatsoever and does not have my best interest at heart -- instead I place my trust within myself and trust that I can direct myself appropriately within any given situation within the context of what needs to be done

When and as I see myself not feeling worthy of trusting myself -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this thinking pattern emerged from my past within my childhood family environment and educational upbringing and does in no way have to dictate how I live my life -- instead I allow myself to trust myself and commit myself to unraveling and releasing myself from my past so that my past no longer has the power to dictate my future

When and as I find myself givin credit to any emotion/feeling or thought for the outcome of a particular situation -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that emotions, feelings and thoughts have no such power as they are confined to my head only and that any physical action which as a particular outcome as result -- is due to that physical action -- and that the same outcome could have been achieved without the emotions, feelings or thoughts but NOT without the actual  physical actions which led to the particular outcome/result. Within that I also see and realise that emotions, feelings and thoughts only have the power I give to them and that it is up to me to act upon them or not -- and that without me acting upon them or feeding them, they are not of any significance as they can be stopped at any given moment without it ceasing my existence lol

Son Gets Killed By Father While Intervening in Parents' Fight

I've recently set up some news RSS feeds into my mail inbox so I can stay up to date with events happening in South Africa and the World.

One of the Headlines of today reads 'Son Gets Killed By Father While Intervening in Parents' Fight'

While the Parents were fighting and arguing the Son tried to intervene to protect his Mother, but instead the Father turned on him and stabbed him in the neck with a knife.

How much more must we take? How much more madness must we witness before we realise that the World we live in and the things that happen every single day are not okay?

When people criticize the Equal Money System, they compare it to our current established system and social conditioning. Wanting 'proof' based on what the 'current system' is created on, where our current system is the 'point of reference' and 'almighty judge' to which the Equal Money System must prove itself and 'live up' to its 'expectations'. Which if you look at it, is quite ridiculous - because - why would we want to prove the 'worthiness' of an Equal Money System to a World of Madness and Abuse? That would defeat the whole point of an Equal Money System now wouldn't it.

So to want 'proofs' about an Equal Money System based on your acceptance and defense of the conditioning of our current System (where children get stabbed in the neck when intervening in a fight) is just complete non-sense. People look at an Equal Money System and say'it's not going to work' - but do not even for a second look at what is currently happening and how we really do not have that many options. The current condition of the World is downright cruel and to defend it is criminal. Because one thing is for sure: we cannot continue like this. If an Equal Money System can mean a way out of this mess, out of this Demonic State of Affairs - why not give it a chance? Why is everyone trying to hold on to the current state of affairs? It's all over the news - but maybe it's still just that little bit too much 'out there'.

So the question is: How far are we willing to let this World spin out of control before we take action?
How many children must die?
Every day without an Equal Money System is a day where we flush life down the drain...