Day 201: Classmates or Competitors?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 199: Exam Nightmares
Day 200: I Don't Do Bad Grades 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that I 'must have good grades'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that I 'must have good grades' within observing my siblings having good grades and this being praised by my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that 'passing' is not good enough and that one should always aim for a '100%'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a fear of bad grades within having been pushed/motivated to 'always have good grades', as others indicated that 'having good grades' will give you the widest variety of options for your future and thus if I have bad grades I am putting in danger my future as I won't necessarily be able to study / follow what I want if/when bad grades limit me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my desire for good grades is rooted/embedded within the fear of having bad grades as fearing for my future / having limited career options

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have promised to myself that I will never allow myself to have bad grades because if I do I might end up in a miserable position in the system

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have questioned my parents or the education system, where it became clear that even though school was a place where I could be with my friends and play during break times -- I was at the same time in a race/competition with the other children in the class, a race/competition for future status in society/the system -- where some will study hard to make sure that they will be able to further their education while others don't or simply can't with the means available and where each child does not look out or look back at one's friends or care about their situation because we all know 'someone has to do the sucky jobs one day' but 'at least it won't be me because I have good grades'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into a form of tunnel vision, where all I could see was a straight vision to my future / future position in society/the system -- where all I cared about was 'getting good grades' as this was what I understood to be my 'ticket' to a nice life in the system -- where there was no time or space to consider others who may not be doing as well as I was and thus would possibly end up in less favourable positions in society/system -- but where instead of helping/assisting them I only went further into fear as I 'cannot waste any time on them' and must 'take advantage' of their shortcomings as this puts me 'further ahead' in the race

Related articles

• Day 156: Competitive thoughts - part 2
• Conquering The Contest Of Survival - Day 388
• I Really Want You To Fail - Day 386
• The Things We Do To Feel Good About Ourselves - Day 387
• Day 338 Self Interest is Ignorant to consideration. Part 3
• Day 191: Reacting to Futility, and to WTF I've Done.

Day 176: Does Wisdom come with Age?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 173: My Moral Code & Politics
Day 174: Don't talk Politics!
Day 175: Mother Knows Best!

When and as I see myself react within fear and anxiety when a person responds to me within strong conviction and emotion -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that my fear and anxiety is originating from not understanding what is going on within the situation and not knowing how to place the person's emotionally charged response into context -- and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and ground myself out of the fear into my body so that I can hear what is being said instead of react and work only with that

When and as I see myself react within immediate acceptance when receiving a response from an adult / any person older that me from the starting point that 'they know best' - I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that the viability of a person's answer/response does not rest on age but on the words spoken and their mathematical relationship within common sense -- and so I commit myself to within those moments, stop, breathe and listen/hear to the words being said/shared and to consider the words spoken and what their implications are and assess from there instead of using age as an only variable of validity

When and as I see myself react to a person conveying a message within strong conviction and emotion and interpret this behaviour as 'if he/she feels so strongly about this, he/she must have good reason for this statement and is probably right' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that how a person feels about a particular point does not increase the viability of the statement / point -- but is only an indicator of just that = how the person feels/experiences the point and so I commit myself to breathe and let go of the idea that conviction/strong emotion = truthfullness and move myself to hear the words spoken / shared and consider the viability of the system within the context of the words spoken/shared only within investigating their relationship and implications and whether or not these stand within what is Best for All Life

When and as I see myself go into a zombie mode of merely accepting what is being said to me from the starting point of "parents know best -- they've survived in this world for so long, there must be truthfulness in what they say" -- I stop and I breathe, I see and realise that this form of reasoning cannot be trusted as this only implies that they have been able to follow/comply with the system but this in itself does not say anything about the truthfulness/validity of the system itself

When and as I see myself wanting to ask/inquire about another person's political standpoint/point of view and react to this within the belief/anticipation/fear/anxiety that "bad things will happen if I do this" -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this is a response pattern that was instructed to me which I accepted and allowed within me without testing out whether the statement is actually real and so I commit myself to simply inquire/ask and receive the response unconditionally

When and as I see myself react to other people inquiring/asking/commenting on my political standpoint / point of view within an experience of offense wherein "everyone deserves to keep their political views/standpoints secret/private" and "my political standpoints/views are none of anyone else's business’-- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am running on an outdated script copied from my parents and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and respond openly and within that I commit myself to investigate my experience within sharing openly and identifying/flagging any points of uncomfortability for further self-investigation and correction

When and as I see myself seeing a point within another words which I do not see as making sense, such as having friends but not being open about one's political view with them, and going into a response of 'nah' and brushing away / suppressing the point as non-important / me probably being wrong -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have the ability to hear and assess words and so I commit myself to speak when such a point arises and open up the point -- because even if I am wrong I will then be able to see why and correct myself rather than brushing away the point and not doing anything with it while at the same time not really being satisfied/understanding of the answer given to me

Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of investigating my experience within having taken my father’s reaction personal in relation to me playing around on the pc and then breaking this – have gone into ‘shut down’ mode where I don’t consider anything but my experience as energy as fear and anxiety and where within this close-mindedness I made the decision that playing around on the pc and exploring things is best done in secret / in a way that will not be obvious

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was forced to take the route of ‘playing in secret’ on the pc because of fear that my father would react ‘badly’ again where I would end up feeling miserable – where instead of tackling the point within myself and actually dealing with it I decided to see how I can ‘minimize’ the point through avoidance/circumvention where instead of changing myself and my behaviour I merely ‘mutated’ it by playing around when my father was not around and not telling him if something happened so that it could have been ‘anyone’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way to deal with this situation where my father would get angry if I messed things up on the pc during my ‘playtime’ was through doing it in secret and sometimes promising myself that I would simply NEVER EVER touch the pc again to avoid such situations at ALL COST where I believed that I will just ‘give up’ this point of exploration if it meant not having to face conflict/friction – going into the opposite polarity which is again: not changing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was faced with my father being angry at me having messed things up on the pc after my ‘play time’ and experiencing inner turmoil in relation to my father’s anger – have immediately looked at how I can change my behaviour in terms of avoiding conflict where I believed that what must change is my external environment and where I completely disregarded the issue as my inner experience as turmoil within fear and anxiety – where I did not once asked myself : ‘wait, why am I experiencing myself this way? Do I have to experience myself this way? This experience is within me, can’t I just change it?’ but instead manipulated my movement to secrecy in order to avoid inner conflict in the face of outer conflict, which meant that the conflict was still within me, all it needed was the right trigger – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I remove the trigger to particular experiences inside myself as fear/anxiety in relation to anger outbursts – that my problem is ‘fixed’ – not seeing and realising that the trigger was never the problem but the experience which was already pre-existent within and as me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to besides taking on my inner experience, to also not have looked at how I could approach playing around on the pc without creating damage due to ignorance on my part where I did not yet completely understand what consequences are created through particular actions on a pc – where I absolutely wanted to discover things through ‘trial and error’ without first doing my homework as in reading up about computers and how these things work as other people have already investigated pcs and what is the best way to do particular things to get a particular result – or asking someone to show me around, as this would have saved me lots of breaking and screwing up things at the expense of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had the right to go and play around on the pc without getting some background first, where I believed it was unfair for my father to get angry at me when things would break/malfunction within the pc because I believed that I was not doing anything ‘wrong’ as I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to consider anything beyond myself and my own experience and only wanted to have ‘fun’ without taking into consideration how my version of ‘fun’ could create damage to others

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realised that such events were never about ‘me’ and ‘my self-expression’ where I believed such incidents to be indicators that I am ‘not good enough’ and that ‘I should hide’ – where these points were my own interpretation of the events which I decided on and brought into being/reality through my belief/participation within them – and where I failed to look beyond my limited existence and realise that it’s not all about me and that I did not yet take everything into consideration and was creating unnecessary consequence for myself and others, where instead of addressing my attitude, I attempted to address my environment leaving everything unchanged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since my father was reacting in anger and I was reacting within fear/anxiety/crying – that because of the nature of the energy he was expressing as ‘anger’ I believed that he must be wrong and that I was right because I was crying, which makes him the ‘bad guy’ and me the ‘poor girl’– where just because I believed anger to be ‘wrong’ I did not look at whether at some level or another he has a point, but immediately went into self-victimization and self-righteousness

Related articles

• Day 204 - Self judgment and Aggression
• Day 19 - Thats NOT FAIR!
• Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
• Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
• Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
• Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being

Day 110: Fear as Quick Fix Parenting Technique

 This blog is a continuation to:
Day 109: Stop Crying! Everyone's watching You!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that crying is weak, shameful and should not be done in public where other people can see you -- because then they will think badly of you

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my parents in whatever they say -- within the sheer blind trust that they know still world better than I do, and so are fit to instruct me in 'the ways of the world' and that I need to know things like 'crying is weak, shameful and not done in public'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when my mother said to stop crying 'because everyone's watching you', to have stopped and looked around and saw that at least one of the people on the street met my eyes, and went "shit, maybe she's right"

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realised that it happens often tha tif you walk on the street and there are other people that your eyes will meet and that this does not have to mean anything in terms of "people are looking at you crying, better stop because they are thinking badly of you, you should be ashamed"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection within my mind between the act of crying and 'weak', 'shameful' and 'not in public'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated each time my mother would pull the "Stop crying because everyone's watching you card", because I knew it didn't make sense but it made me feel bad and so I would stop crying / making a scene

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have associated a negativ energy charge to the point of crying, where my mother was able to use this against me to make me stop, as the moment she would point out that I am crying and should stop because everyone's watching me, I would immediately be infused with a sense of shame and weakness, and then follow my mom to our destination in defeat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been angry at my mother for using my emotions against me, without seeing and realising that this could only be done through my permission within allowing emotion and feelings to roam free within me with no direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a habit of hiding when crying or suppressing my tears, where I believe it is weak to cry in front of other people and that they will believe that I am weak and think bad things about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted my mother's argument as valid simply because she used to concept of 'people will think badly of you' and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'people might think badly of you' is a good reason as to why one should refrain from doing something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that doing anything where other people may think badly of you is a 'no no'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as my mother have used negative and positive reinforcement to get the child to behave the way I want it to behave -- where the child was crying / making a scene / throwing a tantrum and there were people on the street looking at us and what we were doing, where I wanted this to stop as soon as possible because I do not want people to think that I am a bad mother that makes a child cry, and so in fear I took refuge in using negative reinforcement and said "Stop crying! Don't you know everyone's looking at YOU" -- where I knew this would create an instant bad feeling within the child and make it stop doing what it is doing, where I used my own fear as fear of people thinking badly of me and re-directed it to the child to get it to behave how I want -- without for a moment considering how such an action and words may affect the child long term

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a world where neither parent nor child have freaking clue of WHAT IS GOING ON within the world and INSIDE ONESELF -- where the child is just groping around and trying to make sense of the world, trusting the parent -- and where the parent has by now realised that the world does not make sense and kind of sucks but behaves in a way as if it knows how things work to present an illusion of 'authority' while all the while both are equally clueless -- with no support structure in place in the world anywhere, in any way whatsoever about effective parenting

Related articles

• Day 109: Stop Crying! Everyone's watching You!
• Day 107: Showing my True Colours
• Day 205 - Me against myself in Rebirthing myself as Life.
• Day 172 - giving Courage to myself.
• Day 116: The Apple doesn't Fall Far from the Tree
• Day 201 - I need to have a Laugh.

Day 56: Fearing Myself

This blog is a continuation to:

Day 51: Shocking Sounds
Day 52: Prelude – Don’t take anything for Granted
Day 53: I Am Robot
Day 54: Reading Sounds

Day 55: Sounds as Reference

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative energy charge to the sound of a door opening and closing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed an additional meaning to the sound of a door opening and closing – where other than this sound meaning that a door has opened and closed – I attached the meaning of ‘opportunity for conflict’ unto the sound and created a relationship connected between the sound and this meaning as an idea/belief inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached an emotion experience as energy as fear and anxiety to the sound of a door opening and closing – where I believed within myself that the sound of a door opening and closing is a ‘bad omen’ and token for conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have jumped inside myself when I would sit at home and hear the door open and close – where I would ‘kickstart’ fear and anxiety within myself and think “Oh oh, I hope it’s not dad”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had some sort of advantage within reacting within fear and anxiety to the sound of the front door opening and closing

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realised that I was in no way having an ‘advantage’ over the situation within being in fear and anxiety, as all I was doing was putting myself under strain without influencing/affecting the situation in anyway whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would hear the door open and close downstairs and be able to discern that it was my father who came home – have placed myself into ‘lockdown’ within fear and anxiety and try to remain in my room in an attempt to avoid my father and within that avoid conflict

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realised that if my father was out for conflict then it was going to happen no matter if I was going to stay in my room or not so there was no point in modifying my behaviour for the sake of ‘what if’ – where just because of this ‘what if’ I place myself on lockdown and confine myself to a stressful experience which in no way assists or supports me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would hear loud noises coming from downstairs, slowly and quietly work my way to the staircase outside of my bedroom door, and try and identify what they are talking about so I can see whether I am being mentioned or not so that I know if I have to go into hiding or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I could hear loud noises coming from downstairs and trying to ‘hear-in’ on what is going on, have believed that if I can find out what they are arguing about that I can do something to change/fix the situation for myself in terms of minimalizing conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would hear loud noises coming from downstairs and go sit on the staircase to find out what they are arguing about – have gone into massive fear and petrification where I breathe very shallowly just in case they can hear me breathe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would be listening in to what my parents were arguing about downstairs and would hear my name – to start crying almost instantaneously and think “Oh no, not again” and go hide in my bed/bathroom next to my room in the hope that I would be able to avoid conflict this way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would hear my father’s footsteps on the stairs have increased my levels of anxiety and fear within anticipating him coming to my room and stirring up conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created strenuous situations for myself – where every day I would place myself in a state of fear and anxiety within the fear of ‘what if’ – where yes from time to time my father would be coming up to my room and lash out on me / us – but where most of the time this wasn’t the case – and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the worst part about fearing conflict as the fear itself as all the days and nights spent in fear and anxiety which combined add to more distress and unpleasantness than the actual conflict occasions and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the fear of conflict was not me fearing my father but fearing how I would experience myself within facing my father and thus I was actually fearing myself as I was the one generating and creating the various experiences as fear, anxiety and petrification and so the point was never to ‘avoid the conflict’ but to come to a point where I can manage myself as my inner experiences as this is what I really feared


When and as I see myself going into a negative energy charge upon hearing the sound of a door opening and closing within the belief that this sound implies ‘a door to conflict’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am reacting within a programmed response pattern based on the past as memory and that this implication/meaning is a make-belief I created myself and so I commit myself to breathe, be here and let go of the energetic charge experience

When and as I see myself reacting within an emotional experience of fear and anxiety to the sound of a door opening and closing – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am not here but acting within and as memory and thus I commit myself to stop my participation within fear and anxiety and ground myself here as my physical body within and as breath

When and as I see myself reacting to the sound of people arguing / conflict and wanting to find out whether I am being mentioned or not – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the conversation/argument is either about me or it is not and I will find out if I am involved and that there is no point being stressed out ‘just in case’ and so I commit myself to stop participating in the fear of ‘what if’ and wanting to gain a sense of control within wanting to find out whether I am being mentioned – but just be here within and as breath and unconditionally let go of the fear and trust myself to deal with the situation if necessary

When and as I see myself minimalizing my breath when hearing conflict within the fear that someone might notice me and re-direct their conflict/anger towards me – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that within holding my breath/breathing shallowly I am only keeping myself as fear in place and in no way actually supporting myself – and so I commit myself to snap out of my fear and allow myself to breathe unconditionally and trust myself to deal with the situation if it were to come my way

When and as I see myself wanting to cry/break down within hearing my name mentioned within conflict – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is no point within becoming all emotional within knowing that the conflict is somehow related to me – as I know that I will just feel shitty and depressed with myself if I continue participating within this breakdown – and so I commit myself to breathe be here and trust myself to deal with the situation / direct myself when the point opens up

When and as I see myself perceiving conflict as something ‘out there’ which ‘happens to me, done unto me by another’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the main point/issue at hand is the conflict I experience inside myself as fear and anxiety and so When and as I see myself reacting in fear to conflict within wanting to avoid conflict – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that what I am trying to avoid is my own inner experience as how I believe I will experience myself and thus I commit myself to work on myself as fear and anxiety so that I no longer compromise myself and my living within fear of conflict

Related articles

• The Science of Thought - Part 1: DAY 150
• Interdimensional-Physical Relationships - Part 2: DAY 132
• Day 41: What if I become Useless?
• Day 39: What if something's Wrong with Me?
• Day 28: Ticks and Tick Bite Fever - Part 3