Day 144: Moving Beyond Self

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?
Day 142: Respecting Beliefs
Day 143: Busted! 

When and as I see myself access a negative energy connotation charge to the point of exploring things and trying out new points within anticipating negative feedback – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am basing future expectation on the past as memories where I accepted and allowed myself to condition myself and anticipate particular responses through repetition and so I commit myself to through repetition within application, moment by moment, let go of these connections, breathe be here, and express

When and as I see myself taking something personal as a reaction to someone being angry where I broke something – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have interpreted the situation as a personal attach as a defect in ‘who I am’ and immediately close off and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, take a step back and look at what was said and who I was in the moment of my actions and use this opportunity to specify and fine-tune my application

When and as I see myself react when someone gets angry after I have broken something within exploring within taking it personal – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I accepted and allowed myself to only take one dimension into consideration and did not look at what implications/consequence my actions could have for others and so I commit myself to review the event within self-honesty and see how I could have done things differently and integrate these points into my self-application immediately

When and as I see myself react to someone being angry after I broke something within exploring within taking it personal and only being concerned with my experience of having taken it personal – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that thoughts concerning how sad I feel for myself indicate that I am only concerned with myself and am not allowing myself to place myself in the shoes of another to see / understand how and where the person is coming from and so I commit myself to take into consideration all participants and place myself in the shoes of others and within that specify and expand my application within considering others as myself and see how I can improve myself rather than indulging in experience of energy as mind

When and as I see myself participate within thoughts/energies/moods/feelings and emotions as a reaction towards someone being angry at me for having broken something – where these are in the nature of self-pity and self-concern only – not looking at all at what actually happened and whether or not my actions and behaviour were in a way that in fact supported what is Best for All Life – and how I could have done things better and so I commit myself to stop such thoughts, feelings and emotions and look at what it is that I am protecting as the way I behaved and see where I missed a point and specify my self-application

When and as I see myself take things personal as a reaction to someone being angry after I broke something within exploring/playing and completely go into the experience and defend within myself how I was ‘right’ in what I did – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that within justifying/defending myself I am indicating to myself that I am not standing on solid ground – as if I were clear and certain, I would not waste time defending/justifying what I did and so I commit myself to stop defending and look at where I could have done things differently and integrate this immediately to prevent such mistakes from occurring again

 

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Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of investigating my experience within having taken my father’s reaction personal in relation to me playing around on the pc and then breaking this – have gone into ‘shut down’ mode where I don’t consider anything but my experience as energy as fear and anxiety and where within this close-mindedness I made the decision that playing around on the pc and exploring things is best done in secret / in a way that will not be obvious

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was forced to take the route of ‘playing in secret’ on the pc because of fear that my father would react ‘badly’ again where I would end up feeling miserable – where instead of tackling the point within myself and actually dealing with it I decided to see how I can ‘minimize’ the point through avoidance/circumvention where instead of changing myself and my behaviour I merely ‘mutated’ it by playing around when my father was not around and not telling him if something happened so that it could have been ‘anyone’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way to deal with this situation where my father would get angry if I messed things up on the pc during my ‘playtime’ was through doing it in secret and sometimes promising myself that I would simply NEVER EVER touch the pc again to avoid such situations at ALL COST where I believed that I will just ‘give up’ this point of exploration if it meant not having to face conflict/friction – going into the opposite polarity which is again: not changing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was faced with my father being angry at me having messed things up on the pc after my ‘play time’ and experiencing inner turmoil in relation to my father’s anger – have immediately looked at how I can change my behaviour in terms of avoiding conflict where I believed that what must change is my external environment and where I completely disregarded the issue as my inner experience as turmoil within fear and anxiety – where I did not once asked myself : ‘wait, why am I experiencing myself this way? Do I have to experience myself this way? This experience is within me, can’t I just change it?’ but instead manipulated my movement to secrecy in order to avoid inner conflict in the face of outer conflict, which meant that the conflict was still within me, all it needed was the right trigger – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I remove the trigger to particular experiences inside myself as fear/anxiety in relation to anger outbursts – that my problem is ‘fixed’ – not seeing and realising that the trigger was never the problem but the experience which was already pre-existent within and as me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to besides taking on my inner experience, to also not have looked at how I could approach playing around on the pc without creating damage due to ignorance on my part where I did not yet completely understand what consequences are created through particular actions on a pc – where I absolutely wanted to discover things through ‘trial and error’ without first doing my homework as in reading up about computers and how these things work as other people have already investigated pcs and what is the best way to do particular things to get a particular result – or asking someone to show me around, as this would have saved me lots of breaking and screwing up things at the expense of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had the right to go and play around on the pc without getting some background first, where I believed it was unfair for my father to get angry at me when things would break/malfunction within the pc because I believed that I was not doing anything ‘wrong’ as I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to consider anything beyond myself and my own experience and only wanted to have ‘fun’ without taking into consideration how my version of ‘fun’ could create damage to others

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realised that such events were never about ‘me’ and ‘my self-expression’ where I believed such incidents to be indicators that I am ‘not good enough’ and that ‘I should hide’ – where these points were my own interpretation of the events which I decided on and brought into being/reality through my belief/participation within them – and where I failed to look beyond my limited existence and realise that it’s not all about me and that I did not yet take everything into consideration and was creating unnecessary consequence for myself and others, where instead of addressing my attitude, I attempted to address my environment leaving everything unchanged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since my father was reacting in anger and I was reacting within fear/anxiety/crying – that because of the nature of the energy he was expressing as ‘anger’ I believed that he must be wrong and that I was right because I was crying, which makes him the ‘bad guy’ and me the ‘poor girl’– where just because I believed anger to be ‘wrong’ I did not look at whether at some level or another he has a point, but immediately went into self-victimization and self-righteousness

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Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity 
 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a negative energy connotation charge to the point of exploring things and trying out new points within anticipating negative feedback from others based on past memories where I enjoyed playing around on the pc and try out new things where sometimes I would mess up the pc as a result of my playing around where my father would react negatively to finding out that something was up with the pc and lash out on me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personal each time my father would get angry for me screwing up the pc during my ‘playtime’, where I believed that his reaction reflected something about me personally as a defect in ‘who I am’ where I believed that the reaction was an attack on ‘who I am’ as my very beingness and expression – where I only took into consideration the impact of the negative feedback within myself as feeling bad and not look at anything else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only have taken ‘my part’ into consideration within scenarios where I played around on the pc, it would stop functioning properly and then my father would get angry at me and I would take it personally – wherein I did not take into consideration that we have only one pc in the house that everybody uses, where if this pc gets compromised, then this affects not just me but everyone in the household that likes to or requires to work on the pc

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have interpreted my father’s reaction within self-interest only, where I immediately assumed that it was ‘just about me’, and not taking into consideration that other people also want / have to use the pc and that we currently live in a world where we are forced to come by with limited means and have to be careful how we spend our money and have to slave our days away to make by for ourselves and our family where I did not take into consideration that my father lives a very stressful life having to provide for the family and where something breaking in the pc and having to be fixed/replaced might cost extra money which may cause extra stain on those who have to manage the money in a way that ensures self and self’s family future survival and well-being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within those moments where my father would get angry at me for having messed something up during my play/discovery time – have only considered the dimension of the scenario where I took his reaction personal and made the whole ordeal about ‘me’ only, not once considering or asking myself where my father was coming from and looking into his side/dimension of the scenario and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to when things play out to place myself in other’s people shoes and take every participant into consideration as to not take any event personal

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Day 68: My Mind, My Saviour

 This blog is a continuation to:
Day 62: There Must be Something Wrong!
Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning
Day 64: Holding on to Myself 
Day 65: Fear of Sharing
Day 66: Valuing my Inner Space 
Day 67: You can HEAR me?!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my mind as my own private place where I can do what I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘freedom’ as ‘doing what I want’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cherish my mind as my ‘private space’ where I can apparently do whatever I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mind is special and that I must value / cherish my mind – as that thing which allows me to do what I want and where I can entertain myself within whichever way I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mind constitutes as the ‘highlight’ of my day – where whatever I face, I can go and play in my mind and entertain myself in order to not face my reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that my mind was the most awesomest thing in the world, where in any given moment I could decide to not participate in the world but instead seal myself in my mind and entertain myself there with thoughts, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed my mind to be this vast universe / playground where I can do whatever I want – where I could at any moment withdraw myself from physical reality such as being in class and generate happy thoughts/feeling/emotions inside myself to keep me happy/entertained

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mind is a place of comfort, where at any given moment I can withdraw from reality and go sit in my mind as a cocoon that will keep me safe from whatever is happening in physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have abdicated my power to the mind – where I believed that my mind is here for me and here to take care of me – while all the while it is all in reverse – where my mind is not ‘keeping me safe’ or ‘helping me through tough times’ – since the problem was never what was happening in my physical reality, but my interpretation of the event as experience which was created through my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was doing myself a favour by withdrawing into my mind and entertain myself with thoughts/feelings and emotions – while all I was doing was hiding from myself as creator of my experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the problem lay in what was happening around me – instead of seeing and realising that what I perceived was ‘happening around me’ as negative experience, was actually happening inside myself – and thus I was the problem all along


When and as I see myself associating ‘freedom’ with ‘doing what I want’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that ‘freedom’ can never exist as the statement of ‘doing what I want’ in an absolute, eternal way – since this interpretation of freedom considers the person who’s freedom is being discussed as being at the ‘centre of the universe’ where nothing else matters but this person – while in fact, we do not live in a reality where each one is at the centre of the universe – we live in a shared reality where everyone’s actions have repercussions affecting others – and so freedom, is really a point of realisation of responsibility – where each one can see and identify the consequences for any action taken, and within that consideration only act within a way which is Best for All – as only within this manner can we ensure a co-existence which is Best for All – where currently the concept of ‘Freedom’ is only considered within an isolated framework from the starting point of each person being at the centre of their own universe – but there is no such thing as separate realities, we all share the same reality, the same planet – and the moment we allow each individual to believe in the illusion that they are at the centre of their own universe where they should have the right to do what they want – these separate realities create friction as this ‘doing what I want’ is affecting/inflicting consequence on one another – and so I commit myself to let go of my old definition of freedom, and live by a definition of Freedom which in fact stands for what is Best for All Life

When and as I see myself withdrawing into my mind upon facing something which I perceive as ‘unpleasant’ within the belief that I can go into ‘my own little private space’ where ‘I can still make up the rules’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am in fact deluding myself within believing that withdrawing into my mind is a solution to any given situation – where this very movement is a statement of me accepting my self-limitation – and so I commit myself to snap out of self-hiding – breathe – be here as my human physical body, and face whatever I need to face
When and as I see myself going into my mind and going into a ‘yay’ mode – where I am chuffed with myself that I can for a moment escape from my reality – where this is almost a form of ‘cheating’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am being completely delusional within believing this ‘yay’ moment of having made an successful escape into and as my mind where I can think and feel things while stuff is going on around me that I do not want to be aware of, as I am merely removing myself from what is Real and engaging in an alternate reality – and so I commit myself to stop and breathe, ground myself as my human physical body and identify what triggered the defence mechanism of ‘escape’ into my mind and walk this point within Self Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself experiencing myself in an unpleasant way in relation to what is going on around me, and then go into my mind as a ‘solution’ to this experience where I go and either be numb or create nice feelings/thoughts for myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am playing tricks on myself where I believe my environment to be the cause of my ‘unpleasant’ experience and where my mind can play the ‘saviour’ within creating nice feelings inside myself – while in fact I am the creator of the unpleasant experience in relation to my environment and also the creator of the pleasant experience within generating deliberate thoughts/feelings – and so I commit myself to stop deluding myself within believing that I am creating a solution for my problem, since I see and realise that I created ‘my problem’ and I created ‘my solution’ and so I move myself to step backwards from having created the happy feelings back to having the ‘negative’ experience BACK to what triggered me creating a negative experience for myself – and sort out this link within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements and Application