Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts

Monday, 8 July 2013

Day 219: Have we Reached our Final Destination?

timeline_filosofie When I was in primary school, most classrooms were fitted with this loooong horizontal poster, showing a timeline of history from the hunter/gatherers up to the Modern Age or the ‘Now’. From year to year, grade to grade, we would move up the timeline in our history lessons.

I remember staring a lot at this timeline whenever I was bored, and I remember thinking that ‘we’ve come a long way’. We started with ‘nothing’ at our hunter/gathers stage, being very primitive. Then we moved through the Ancient times with Egypt and the classical times of the Greeks and the Romans and the middle ages aaall the way up to where we are now. The timelines would also have little pictures of ‘significant’ points in history and I remember the last section of the timeline being cramped up with lots of pictures of like an astronaut and a train, airplane, tv, telephone – all the cool technology shit that we’ve got today.

What I had gathered from my history lessons was that we had gone through a lot of struggle in terms of our own survival and being barbaric towards one another – but that we now finally had come to a stage where we had our living environment sorted out and us humans were living together in ‘good times’. As a kid, this made sense. I had a home, I had a family, I had food every day, a bed to sleep, friends to play with, a future in this world. All my needs were taken care of. So from my perspective at that stage, it had seemed that in terms of where we were at in history was our ‘Final Destination’, like we finally got it right, we’re finally living comfortably – from here on it can only get better.

13 – 15 Years later, I got some more perspective.

Turns out, that when we were looking at the' ‘Modern Age’ and nice, comfy living – that this only counted for a small segment of the world population. Turns out, that everyone else is still stuck on various different points of the timeline, where some are still living primitive lives, coming by with the minimum. Turns our, that child labour is not a nightmare of the past, but a present issue still being lived out by many. Turns out, that people are still servants to those with more money with no potential of getting out of such position. Turns out, that poverty has been increasing and more people are suffering today ever before. Turns out that in this Great Day and Age with all our ‘Modernity’ we’re doing fuck-all to actually make a change to these situations, doing fuck-all to make sure that this magnificent point in history as being taken care of completely in every single way, having all your Human Rights secured – is being stretched and expanded to every single ‘corner’ of the earth.

I mean, looking at that timeline now – it’s really one big scam. That timeline did not in anyway reflect world history in a factual way, but was only meant to show the history of a minority and the present of a minority – and then create the idea / belief that where we’re at now in world history is a world-wide phenomena: bullocks!!

I’m busy reading a People’s History of the United States by Howard Zinn, and one of the things that struck me as I progress through the timeline, is how nothing every changes. We move from enslaving one kinds of people to another. We move from slavery to servitude. Then, while we have all the real though, shitty, cruel slavery taking place – we have an entire hierarchy of different slavery forms within that, where there’s an entire hierarchy of groups – each one enslaved to the next. So that each time when there is some ‘big revolution’ or some ‘big change’ that apparently happened – it’s really no big deal because they same pattern just keeps re-occurring over and over and over again in different forms, over different types of people, over different regions in the world. Like now for instance, I am reading about how bad the workers and laborers had it round the 1850s, having to work in terrible, life-threatening job environments for a near-to-nothing pay – that’s including the child laborers. So now, while the American people may have fought and resisted hard to have made this change – two centuries later and miles off shore = we have the exact same conditions, the exact same situation playing out, where adults and children are forced into labor, dangerous labor, just to get by another day. But are we going out on the street and strike? Are we getting angry, mad, demanding change in anyway whatsoever? No – because apparently ‘that’s all over and all is better now’.

So from reading this book, it is clear that we have not reached anything. I’ve only read about a third of the book but you can already see where it is going. With what I’ve read, and within seeing what is going on in the world today – we are still repeating the exact same patterns as 500 years ago. We haven’t reached our final destination. We’re nowhere close to it. All those great happenings like ‘Independence’, ‘abolishment of slavery’, ‘end of segregation’, ‘end of apartheid’, ‘the declaration of human rights’ – all those events turn bleak and shriveled in the face of history. They are but minute moments where we thought we were getting somewhere, but they are actually completely meaningless. I mean, have a look at the world today, the wars, the conflict, the economic hardship – we have obviously not learnt ANYTHING. We’re still freaking idiots bashing each others heads in, in the name of survival – while we have all the tools to actually live in a world that’s Best for All. All those ‘Great Achievements’ as the only things we tend to remember about our history = it’s just one big joke. They’re completely meaningless. How can you give those events ANY value in the face of what we live today.

If we want to come to a point where we can stop playing out the same old pattern, and actually settle down – we need to consider changes that will actually make an impact on our quality of living here on Earth. We should at the least implement a Basic Income, such as proposed by The Equal Life Foundation as the Basic Income Guaranteed.  This story has gone on for far too long, let’s create our Happy Ending.

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Day 200: I Don’t Do Bad Grades

I was looking at this exam point some more and two memories popped up in relation to having an emotional attachment/connection to this point.

The first one is when I received a test back for geography, and I either almost failed or failed the test – and was absolutely flabbergasted by this. I just couldn’t believe it – I couldn’t believe that this piece of paper with such a bad grade had my name on it – there MUST have been a mistake. I, Leila, DO NOT GET THESE GRADES! Lol. All around me people had the same grade or lower and they were pretty ‘cool’ about it, meaning, they just saw the grade, had a little sigh but then they were over it. I was trying to play it cool but on the inside my head I was going insane – I had never been faced with the such a low grade and I didn’t have any reference on how to cope with this, so I was just like a bouncing ball bouncing in all directions inside my head with emotions and feelings bouncing along with it, trying to find out ‘how to feel about this’ and what to ‘make of it’. My whole day after that was completely fucked, I felt completely worthless and useless and was completely depressed by the time I got home that day.

Then I have another memory, where I am about to go home, school’s almost over and I have my paper with me with all my grades which were all just *perfect*. I was really chuffed with myself and when I got my mom had tears in her eyes. These were my last grades as I graduated from high school and it was like the epitome of my ‘academic achievement’ all throughout school – from primary all the way till the end of high school. My grades had always been great, and I had managed to end it off with ‘perfect’ grades.

And then I remembered that one bad test and how I had experienced myself. And I remember my friends who had to deal with bad grades all the time and how they did seem to be ‘overthrown’ by it the way I had been, and how jealous I had been that they could just not put so much of themselves into ‘a grade’.

And I could see how stupid it was to get so emotional over a bad grade, and I could see how stupid it was to be ‘so happy’ about a good grade – but it was like I just couldn’t ‘help myself’ – it was so automatic, so ingrained, so deep.

I remember get my first grades while studying here in South Africa, and I got my list and it was so awkward and weird – because usually, I would immediately go and take the piece of paper to my mom, that’s who the paper is for. But my mom’s not around here, she’s not involved in my studies. And so I was sitting there with the paper, looking at it, and it was just so ‘freeing’ that I could hold it without having to move and having to ‘show it’ to anyone. The paper with the grades was here for me, and me alone. I could share it with other people but I didn’t have to – because that was no longer what it was about. It was just a piece of paper giving me feedback on how I’d done on my subjects, so I could look at it, take in the information , fold the piece of paper and put it away – and that was that. It was so freaking awesome lol
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Saturday, 15 December 2012

Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately believe that because I react to someone where I feel bad / cry – that this means that the person is ‘bad’ and ‘evil’ for ‘making me feel that way’ and that I am ‘right’ within ‘being the victim’ and that I was treated ‘unfairly’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anyone who ‘makes me feel bad’ is mean and should not have done / said what they did – where I accepted and allowed myself to believe that no-one has the right to ‘make me feel bad’ and that it is my right to be happy and that others must only ever do things to make me happy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when a child said something in class to another, where the other child was being stupid and the kid basically pointed it out – where the other then started crying and where the teacher scolded the one who made the comment – have created the belief that one cannot make another feel bad / make them cry no matter what the circumstance/situation is – where making someone crying is simply ‘not done’ and ‘evil’ and that such behaviour should be punished and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the moment of the one child making a comment, the other crying and the teacher scolding the one who made the comment – have integrated the point that one can ‘get away’ with things if you cry / show that you feel bad as if that is one of the biggest violations that can be done unto and stored this information to use for future manipulation – while all the while the teacher was probably just trying to get the crying kid to shut up within punishing the other kid in order to avoid any later confrontation with unhappy parents who believe their child is being bullied and blame the teacher

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt ‘violated’ whenever I was faced with anger/conflict/friction where I couldn’t believe what just happened to me and what had been ‘done unto me’ – without seeing and realising that I was the one creating this experience for me and thus I was in essence ‘violating myself’ where all I was doing was react to what another said/did and interpreted what they said through filters of perception upon which I created the experience of feeling hurt/bad/violated – not seeing and realising that I wasn’t actually hurt/violated but that I was merely playing out an acquired manipulation tactic as I had seen when I was young in class, where I integrated within me the perfect way to avoid change, where if anyone says something which puts me out of character, I will cry and show ‘how bad’ I feel, making the other person ‘the bad guy’ and myself ‘the victim’ so that I can completely indulge in the experience of ‘being hurt’/’violated’ and shift the attention to the other – where I end up with a situation where I do not have to actually look at my actions and what the other person may be reflecting to myself because I am too busy drowning myself in tears and in my dramatics point out how it is the other person that needs to change, because he/she is MEAN!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when in school when a child made a comment about another child and the child started to cry, where the teacher scolded the child who made the comment – have also integrated the point that I should never say things which may possible hurt another to the point where they feel bad / hurt / cry –where I should limit myself to saying ‘nice things’ only, even if someone’s behaviour really bothers me within the starting point that saying something that “makes” another cry is ‘not done’ and of the highest evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when faced with conflict/anger and ending up feeling hurt/crying – to have started to genuinely believe that what I am experiencing is real within being hurt/sad and believing that the other person is wrong/mean/evil as if it is a basic law of nature – not seeing and realising that this idea came from somewhere and that I adopted this idea and applied it – it wasn’t something that ‘just is’ and within this dogmatic belief have completely failed to look at the origin of this point and only indulged myself within my experience of sadness, hurt, feeling bad, victimization, self-pity and blame – losing sight of the bigger picture completely
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Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Day 67: You can HEAR me?!

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 62: There Must be Something Wrong!
Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning
Day 64: Holding on to Myself 
Day 65: Fear of Sharing
Day 66: Valuing my Inner Space


When I was a kid I thought that humming sounds/songs was just like having thoughts, in terms that you were the only one who could ‘hear’ what you were humming, just like you are the only one who can ‘hear’ what you’re thinking.

I liked humming a lot in primary school as a form of entertainment in class and outside the class.

When the bell would ring as a signal that break –time was over, all the pupils would rush to their class’ designated spot, and within that spot – each student also had a specific place they had to be in. Everyone had to be in lines, in pairs and be quiet before the teachers would take us into our class. There was this one teacher who liked walking around with a hand bell and shake it very loudly in the ears of any pupils still talking / making a noise.

If there was still noise/whispers going on while they were walking around the lines before taking us to class, they’d tell us that we were going to have to keep standing right there where we were. Since I believed that humming was just like thoughts, and that no-one could hear it but me – I would hum very loudly while standing in the line, thinking that I was so clever that I could still make noise without anyone hearing it – and within that kind of ‘cheat the system’. I’d do my best to hum as loud as I could and then the teachers would inspect the lines and walk right by me without reacting to my humming or saying anything about it, and I felt so good about myself that I could make this noise without anyone noticing – like I had this secret space where I could still do whatever I wanted even if I couldn’t do it ‘out there’.

And since none of the teachers ever made a remark about my humming, I kept on believing that my humming was only heard by me (obviously the humming was audible, but I think that since most teachers really liked my older brother and sister and saw us as ‘good students’, that they didn’t bother to say anything about my weird behaviour lol).

Then, waaay later – well not that much later, maybe a few months, a year? – we were in Spain with the family during the holidays. Me and Maite were making our way to go downstairs because we were about to go somewhere or say hi to someone. As I was running/jumping off the stairs I was humming a Cranberries song and as we moved down the stairs Maite started the sing the song that I was humming.

And then it hit me.

Oh

My

God


She can hear me

LOL!

I went into complete shock/fear – and I asked her “why are you singing this song?” And then she’s all plainly responds “Well you were humming it”.

I was so freaked out – this meant that during all those years of my LOUD humming in many public places/occasions – everyone actually heard me?


Woah!

I felt so embarrassed lol.

Although this whole ‘humming’ point is quite innocent in itself, what I found interesting in this memory is how I related ‘humming’ to ‘thinking’ as something I can do in my own space to entertain myself, where I believed that even though there were ‘physical constraints’ (like being in class or having to be quiet somewhere) – I could still do what I want and enjoy the freedom of my mind.

So following from this, I will be working on this point of perceived ‘freedom’ in my mind as a place where I can ‘do what I want’ and so in essence ‘escape’ from reality.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to follow


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Monday, 10 September 2012

Day 48: Studying and Fear - Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when one of my friends/classmates regurgitated our textbook information of the exam we were about to do - have gone into fear when I realised that I cannot do this - I can't reproduce all the information perfectly/by heart - and within that lost all trust within myself within doing the exam - because I believed that I need to be able to repeat the textbook information perfectly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when one of my friends/classmates regurgitated our textbook information of the exam we were about to do - have observed the behaviour / reactions of my other classmates, where they were all panicking because they couldn't repeat the textbook information the same way she did - and where I looked at myself not panicking and then thinking I should panic because everyone else is panicking, I should also panic because just like them I don't know all this information by heart

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the fear of others within believing that if everyone responds to fear within a certain situation - that this situation requires to be responded to with fear - where it is 'normal' to go into fear - instead of assessing the information within common sense practicality for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is real and that since everyone participates in fear, that it is something which is 'good' for us to participate in - without ever questioning the nature of fear as self-limitation where fear can never be good for oneself because even if one is in a danger situation, within accessing fear one's only placing more strain on oneself which leaves one less aware of the environment and more susceptible to the danger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if you are able to repeat information perfectly without looking at the information on paper - that this means that you 'know' the material and that you'll be able to pass the exam

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if you are able to repeat information perfectly without looking at the information on paper - that this means that you are able to sequence words/information just like they are on the paper without looking - but this does not imply any form of understanding - where one could for instance have learnt all the information of a textbook by heart but then fail the exam because one is not able to place the information with the corresponding questions - because the actual nature/essence of the material has not been understood as what the text is about, where one only focused on the 'picture presentation' of the material as the sequence of words without having any form of comprehension

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself unconditionally within that moment of seeing everyone panic in the face of the girl being able to repeat everything perfectly - where I knew that my study method worked because I had done it over and over again and always worked out - where I trusted myself in being able to answer the exam questions based on my understanding of the material / underlying dynamics/mechanics of what we had learnt and thus from within that point of comprehension be able to produce a perfectly adequate answer to any question pertaining the material

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that moment of seeing the girl being perfectly able to repeat the information and seeing everyone else panic - have lost complete trust in myself and my studying ability because I hadn't considered learning everything by heart because it just seemed like too much of a fuss - but now that I saw her doing it I felt like I had made the wrong decision and that my 'laziness' had gotten the best of me or something - within the belief that if you don't suffer during studying (which I felt 'learning by heart' was) - that something's wrong and that you're not doing it right / cheating the studying process and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that studying does not have to equal suffering

When and as I see myself reacting within fear to someone being able to regurgitate information from a textbook perfectly -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am entering a point of distrust within myself as self-doubt, even though my experience has shown that I can study and pass exams without memorizing information verbatim. Within that I commit myself to stop my fear and re-establish my self-trust

When and as I see myself observing others' behaviour in relation to an event -- and feeling compelled to adopt the same behaviour within the belief that 'if everyone's doing it, it must be the right/suitable thing to do within this particular situaiton' -- I stop and I Breathe -- I see and realise that the observation that 'if everyone is doing it, it must be right' - is not valid, as I have seen for myself that the world works in reverse -- and thus I commit myself to within moments where I want to 'follow the crowd' stop, check what is going on -- what behaviour I am trying to follow and flag it to work on within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself reacting within fear to a situation when I see everyone else also doing it -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that fear does not assist and support me so I stop myself and trust myself to not participate within fear, even when everyone else is doing this. I commit myself to look at the event and the fear it triggered and release myself from the connection/relationship of the event and the fear connected to it

I commit myself to show that fear is not normal nor 'supportive' in anyway whatsoever and is in fact a behavioural disorder we've all accepted and allowed within ourselves -- and just because everyone is doing it does not mean it's "okay"

When and as I see myself access the belief that 'if one is able to memorize information and spill it out perfectly one knows the material' in relation to studying -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that it is just that = a belief -- and does not have any practical relation to reality. I commit myself to show that our current educational system does not care about the effective integration of information within teaching as it teaches children to memorize information and are satisfied if they can regurgitate this without testing for actual understanding -- where all our current educational system cares about is performance goals, and where thus accordingly children will only care about 'goals' as 'grades' where they will do what it takes to get high grades without where students will memorise information and then spill it out during exams/tests and right after forget all about it -- revealing how ineffective our education system as become

I commit myself to trust myself within studying and to take the time to take in the information within understanding

When and as I see myself access the belief that 'if you're not suffering while studying, you're doing it wrong' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this is just an idea/belief I created and imposed on myself. And within that I commit myself to show that one does not have to 'suffer' while suffering and that it is possible to simply integrate the information within self-trust and access it when needed

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Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Day 42: Why?

I've been looking at how I created a relationship of victimization within and towards my human physical body, where whenever something 'bad' would happen like a cut, a scrape, a fall, a bruise, an injury, disease, pain etc - I would be overwhelmed with a sense of powerlessness and helplessness and asking myself 'Why? Why is this happening to me?'. I'd instantaneously become very emotional and cry (although as I got older I'd start to suppress the crying more and more because I didn't want to be seen as 'weak'). Now it doesn't come up as prominent anymore until someone will for instance ask me 'Are you alright?' and then this whole wave of emotions would 'wash over me' and with it the tears would start welling up in my eyes and I go 'WTF, What is this experience? Why is this here?'. The experience is hard to describe because I never really looked at it before, as I just saw it as one of my weird annoying 'quirks' which would pop up from time to time but I never bothered to question it because I thought it was simply a 'part of who I am'. The experience is something like a lostness, confusing like just not knowing why all these bad things happen to me and my body and why these experience exist (pain, discomfort). Then later, when I looked at it again a memory popped up from when I was in my first year of 'kindergarten' (where I went to school you had three years of kindergarten, starting from 2-3 years old until you're 6 or something and then you start your first year in primary school) and both kindergarten and the primary school grades were situated in the same school. So on the playground you had kids from ages 2 to 12 roaming around. I was one of the youngest.

One day I was walking around on my own just exploring, not really 'doing' anything or having any 'game' or 'purpose' that I was walking around with, and then at some point I stood still and looked at one of the concrete tiles (the playground consisted mostly of a concrete tiled flat space (and the tiles were like very rough, grainy) with a small part with sand and some trees and jungle gyms), and then out of nowhere I saw this boy from the 6th grade (so one of the eldest) stand behind me and he was looking somewhere very focussed into the distance, and it looked like he wanted to get wherever it was where he was looking and I saw his body moving into action to 'get there' but then he noticed from the corner of his eye that this little toddler - me - was in the way of his body already moving into the opposite direction of the playground and then he quickly shoved me out of the way and sprinted to wherever he was going. When I look at it now it's clear that he was obviously playing a game with his friends that he got really involved in that when he saw I was in the way he just wanted to get this 'obstruction' out of the way so he can keep in the loop of the game with his friends.

For me in that moment I had NO idea what was going on and I was just completely in shock. As I write it out, it all sounds like it was moving quite slow but me seeing him to the point where I hit the ground all happened in less than a second. I landed on the concrete tiles with my knees (I mean, what a stupid idea to have a playground made out of concrete tiles? Kids fall on it all the time) and this intense pain shocked through my body. I moved myself over a bit, still on the ground and saw that my pants had a dark red stain by my one knee and it felt wet. I cried and I cried. The teacher who takes care of us 'little ones' found me and took me inside. I was in pain, crying, confused and I was looking for some answers. Why did this happen? Why did the boy push me? Why am I in this pain? Why is my leg bleeding so bad? Why would someone want to inflict this on me? I don't understand!! As the teacher was walking me while holding my hand I was full of anticipation to get those questions answered. I was very small though and had little vocabulary so I didn't really say anything while walking/crying as I assumed the teacher would talk to me soon enough. When we got to our 'classroom' (can't really call it a classroom, it's a room full of toys and drawing/crafting stuff lol) we rolled up my pants to see what 'the damage' was and my whole knee was open, my leg covered in blood from knee to ankle. She then just pointed at the little toilet room, told me to take off my pants, showed I should sit down and gave me some toilet paper telling me to 'clean myself up'. She then left.
And so I sat there on the toilet in the little toilet room all alone, in my undies, in pain, bleeding with all the questions and no-one was telling me what was going on. As I started cleaning up the blood from my leg I experienced a sense of aloness, weakness, powerlessness, helplessness -- a victim-like state. As I dabbed the toilet paper on my bloody leg I started to 'toughen up' inside as I thought there was nothing I could do and there was no-one here to help me, I wasn't getting any wiser so what's the point? After a bit the teacher came back, and put some red stuff on my wound that was prickly, she gave me a different set of pants. She put my bloody pants in a plastic bag and told me I should take it home with me after school. We then walked back to the playground where she gave me a little push of 'off you go' and there I was, back on the playground like nothing ever happened. I walked back to the spot where I fell and there were blood stains on it. I remember them being there for quite a few days after the incident.

I wasn't told why the boy pushed me and the boy was never approached about it -- so I assumed that he hadn't done anything 'unacceptable' and that it was implied that it was my own fault that I ended up the way I did, that there was nothing wrong with the boy pusing me and my body getting hurt, but that it was 'me' that was wrong in general.

So now whenever I experience pain, a cut, a fall, whatever -- this whole experience gets uploaded into every cell of my body. Depending on the severity/intensity/element of surprise of the incident -- the experience will be more or less intense but it'll always be there. And although my whole tick bite fever incident was quite different from what played out in the memory, the pain and discomfor triggered the same experience.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to follow 

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Monday, 25 June 2012

Day 20: Angry People – Anger and Me – Part 5


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear angry people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let past memories ingrain fear of angry people within and as me – where I did not know and did not understand why someone would get angry at me and took their reaction personal
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the moment of the person getting angry with me, have taken it personal – in the belief that I was the cause/reason why the person was angry – where I now see/realize/understand that just as I am responsible for my reactions of anger – the person in question was also responsible for their own reaction of anger – and had in fact nothing to do with me as a being
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the moment of the person getting angry at me and shouting/ lashing out – have gone into complete fear and petrification where I froze completely within and as my physical human body as I thought that the end was upon me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear angry people as I fear them doing something unto me
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to question the reaction of anger the person went into – as my non-responsiveness implies that I thought this kind of behavior was ‘okay’/’acceptable’  within the belief that I must have had done something wrong – and that this was the consequence of having done something wrong
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone within complete fear and petrification when the person lashed out on me within anger – and where this became my main response mechanism to any other later event relating to anger – where I would simply stand frozen and wait it out, then run to my room and cry
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot deal with anger
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief within myself that I cannot deal with anger – as I did not as a child have the vocabulary to communicate with the person being angry at me – where I wanted to say/express something but just couldn’t find any words – and then defined myself according to this experience, as the experience of being ‘powerless’ and ‘helpless’ and then within all subsequent events related to anger – would access the same experience inside myself, where I basically each time would loop through my very first memory again – reliving the exact same pattern without looking at how I could do it differently
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within the moment of the person being angry at me / lashing out on me – have only looked at the emotional aspect of what was happening within the event and did not really look at the words spoken by the being and whether or not the being was making sense – and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in turn respond to this within emotion instead of common sense
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed value within emotions and see them as a valid part of life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider emotions to be a valid component within conversations which must be considered and valued, where I completely disregard what is being said and whether it does or doesn’t make sense as I’ve accepted and allowed emotions to override all logic as common sense
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that emotions are not a valid part of life and not a valid component of conversations and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to discard any emotions within conversations/arguments and only look at the words spoken and in turn respond to these words within common sense practicality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when people get angry at me – instead of seeing and realizing that one can only be angry at self – and that I am thus only serving as a mirror for the other person within that particular moment where they saw something within me which reminded them of themselves which they had not yet sorted out – and then triggered anger as a reaction
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am only able to respond to the emotions of others with emotions of my own
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless in the face of strong emotional outbursts
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I can only give emotions authority over me if I place myself within that position of powerlessness as I am in fact in that moment giving permission for these emotions to influence and control me
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I do not have to react when others are reacting/being emotional – and that this in fact a decision I make for myself within myself – and thus I can also decide to not play this game and STOP within myself – and within this not feed / confirm the other person’s emotional outburst
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to be able to handle conflict situations within a common sense approach
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when faced with moments of conflict and friction anticipate and expect fear, anxiety, petrification and lock-down mode within myself – instead of accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to direct myself within common sense practicality and not be swept away by the wave of emotions

When and as I am faced with another person being angry and responding to this within emotions as fear, petrification, anxiety and “lock-down” mode – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that this is not the only way to respond to a situation like this and that I can decide for myself how I would like to walk through this experience – where I either allow emotions to direct myself and the event or step up and use practical common sense to direct the event
When and as I am faced with another person being angry and taking it personal – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that it is not personal and that the person within that particular moment is taking out their own inner-frustrations on me – where they are dealing with a point in relation to themselves which I happened to trigger – but where this is no way means that I am the “cause” or “reason” why they are angry as I have already seen and realized within myself that one can only be angry at oneself for accepting and allowing dishonesty to exist within
When and as I am faced with another being angry and going into emotions and feelings – I stop and I breathe – I see / realize / understand that there is no point within going into emotions and feelings as a response to another’s emotional outburst as this only feeds their experience – instead I look at the words spoken and reflect the person’s words back to themselves to assist and support the other in seeing what has been accepted and allowed within self
When and as I am faced with an angry person and going into feelings of doubt and distrust – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am the creator of my own inner experience and thus I direct myself within this realization/understanding to stop this inner self-doubt and allow myself to trust myself within breath to do what is best for all
I commit myself to changing the current educational system and parental support system in a way where emotions and feelings are explained from the start – so humans may be aware of how they operate and be more aware of how one’s own behavior towards others reflects only one’s relationship towards self
I commit myself to the re-education of human beings on Earth so they may in fact become responsible parents and teachers within this world who support and assist the children in understanding how reality works and within that empowering them and giving them the tools to work with their own inner reality so that they don’t have to go through a lifetime of confusion and abuse to then only after death realize what happened and how it happened within one’s Life Review

Thursday, 21 June 2012

Day 18: Angry at the World – Anger and Me – Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the world for being dishonest

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am part of this world and dishonest to the same extent – and that through being angry at the world I am actually being angry at myself as the world is merely a reflection of who I / we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become within our dishonesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the world – without seeing and realising that this is self-righteous and self-absorbed as one is pointing fingers while not doing anything about the issue at hand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the money system – without seeing and realising that the money system is a reflection of who we are as the human race and our indulgence in the accumulation of energy as experience at the cost of Life on Earth as the Physical – where I form part of this human race and thus am equally responsible for our current money system and the state of the world

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that anger is in fact dishonest – where the experience and participation in anger indicates a point of self-dishonesty where one is blaming an external point / factor within one’s world – without seeing and realising that self is responsible for the existence of this point and is thus through anger actually making a statement of separation and that self will not get his/her hands dirty – the point must just fix itself!

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am as much part of the problem as of the solution

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that anger without taking responsibility will only lead to more anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate anger through doing nothing instead of using and directing anger as myself to move myself to change that which I am angry about within the world and myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I will remain angry if I remain passive

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I will only get more angry at myself if I don’t fully commit myself to changing the world and myself as the world

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise – that through participating within anger at something or someone outside of myself – I am in fact giving my power away and left with no directive principle – as I am stating that “I am not the creator” and thus am left with no power to change or direct the point – whereas if I see / realise / understand that I am in fact responsible for the existence of the particular point – I see/realise/understand that I am the creator – and thus gift myself / embrace the power to change the point – instead of being angry and getting nowhere at all

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that through being angry at something outside of myself  and not doing anything about it – I am in fact feeding and supporting that very manifestation which I despise – and thus in fact despise myself for not doing anything about it

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have confused anger with ‘rebellion’, ‘rejection’  and ‘refusal’ – instead of seeing and realising that anger is the expression of acceptance and allowance within the abdication of self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress anger within and as me – instead of making the decision of forgiving myself for experiencing/participating within anger and taking the necessary self-corrective steps to ensure its non-reoccurrence

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have only participated within anger from the starting point of disempowerment – instead of using and directing anger as me as the driving force/passion to change this world/me to what is Best for All, once and for All


When and as I see myself experiencing/participating within anger – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this anger I am experiencing as myself is indicating to me that I have not yet taken full responsibility within myself and my world – I thus identify the origin of the anger within myself, forgive myself and apply self-corrective statements and actions as an act of self-responsibility and commitment to change

When and I see myself experiencing/participating within anger – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am in fact disempowering myself and abdicating my power to change what it is that I would like to see changed – and thus I commit myself to taking self-responsibility within the realisation/understanding that I am in fact the creator – and remind myself that anger within itself will bring about as much change as positive thinking = nada

When and as I see myself experiencing/participating within anger – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is an opportunity for me to see where I am still allowing myself to be dishonest within myself and my world – and I commit myself to take responsibility for this point of self-dishonesty and change myself / the world within the context of Self-Honesty and what is Best for All Life

Thursday, 7 June 2012

Day 11: Anxiety and Me - Part 1

I've had this thing for years now where whenever I experience coldness around me -- I go into an experience of anxiety. And it gets triggered just like that. It doesn't matter what I'm doing or where I'm at, the moment it's cold this anxiety generator inside me just switches on and starts rumbling. And it's really annoying. I've done Self-Forgiveness on this point each time winter comes around, as then it's shoved in my face every day. So here I go again.

I believe the connection between "coldness" and "anxiety" was created at some point during either my last or second last year of high school. We had a very cold winter I just hated having to walk through the cold to the train station and then sitting their in the cold waiting for the train to come, with only the smoke of a cigarette giving me some comfort of warmth. I think it was my last year of high school as at that stage I had a lot of projects going on and we had a lot of verbal assignments -- and I really hated those lol. So then in the mornings just before school I'd sit in the cold shivering, but also shivering at the same time from anxiety. At that time things weren't running very smoothly at home as well, and then when I would be going back home from school, I would also experience anxiety as I didn't know what to expect when getting home. So it was just cold, cold, cold -- anxiety, anxiety, anxiety.

The cigarette smoking also didn't help, from the perspective that I wasn't smoking and being here -- using the smoking as a form of self-support to ground myself -- but instead used it as a distraction and suppress what I was experiencing which only further integrated the point into my physical even further.

And basically since then, each time it's cold I go into anxiety.
What a fuck up.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the coming moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in anxiety of what may (and thus also may not) be coming next

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to be in control of the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear not being in control of the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to be in control of how I experience myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by wanting to be in control of the future in order to be in control of what and how I experience myself -- I am confirming my position as a slave to my environment, where I am doomed to react to whatever inputs received from my surroundings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed myself in a position where I am a slave to my environment, in terms of events occuring and me being doomed to react to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate reaction within myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by anticipating reaction in the future, I am in fact scripting reaction into my own future as a self-fulfilling prophecy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of reacting within fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that through fearing my own fear, all I am doing in fact is fearing myself, as I am the source of fear

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if I am the source of fear, I can direct the fear as it is implied that I am the creator of the fear which I fear

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to direct myself as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for my environment to provide me with a specific input to stop my fear -- again confirming my slave status -- instead of moving and directing myself to stop my own fear, to in essence: stop myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have the power to direct myself as how I experience myself within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no way that I can direct my inner-experience, and that I must thus resort to trying to control my environment in order to manage my inner experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to manage my experience indirectly, through manipulating my environment so that it would send me the right signals telling me it's okay to stop fearing now

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to DIRECTLY change my experience within myself


I commit myself to get to the bottom of this anxiety construct so that I do not longer place myself in a position where I experience myself as a pinball, being thrown around upside down and side to side, where lots of buttons get pushed and lights go on as a result of reactions and conditioning

I commit myself to forgive myself in order to release myself and let go of this anxiety construct as it is in no way necessary to hold on to such a point

I commit myself to stop worrying about the future within the realisation that the only room for direction exists HERE and that worrying about the future only results in me having an unpleasant experience

I commit myself to ground myself whenever I experience anxiety and to no longer just "go with it" as if it has become a normal experience of "Oh yes, it's cold -- here comes the anxiety, let's just hope it gets warm soon so I don't have to be bothered with this"

I commit myself to take responsibility for what I experience inside myself and to no longer expect my environment to sort me out -- only I can sort myself out

I commit myself to not suppress any experiences such as feelings and emotions but to address them as they come up in and to not allow them to accumulate over time, allowing the problem to only get worse and worse -- within the knowledge that this point has to be faced some day so I might as well make that day TODAY

I commit myself to release myself from the chains of fear and anxiety as self-imposed limitation and explore what is possible when one is no longer caged in fear

I commit myself to the 7 Years Process to Life to assist and support myself in deconstructing redundant and self-destructive programming and replace it with a script which serves in support for what is Best for All Life