Day 184: When Food is no longer just Food

This blog is a continuation to Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately generate and participate within thoughts which are non-supportive to my physical well-being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have forced myself through my mind to turn on myself within composing, generating and participating in thoughts which I knew did not match reality – but did it anyway because I wanted to deliberately make myself disordered

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have practiced having non-supportive thoughts to my physical well-being in relation to food and my body, where I would deliberately over analyse foods from a knowledge perspective and create a relationship with everything single piece of food in my environment as to ‘twist’ its nature – where for instance a banana was no longer a banana but had x amount of calories and was not good for this and that and has so much sugar and it’s a BAD FOOD

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have deliberately manipulated and twisted my relationship with food by labelling foods from a starting point of ‘what will make me fat’ – without actually understanding how fat is produced in the body and how my human physical body really works in anyway whatsoever – but just go on ‘hearsay’ information about ‘bad’ and ‘good’ foods and create a whole food religion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself have deliberately manipulated and sabotaged my relationship with my human physical body – where I was previously quite fine with my body as it’s just kind of here and does what it does – to deliberately meticulously starting to observe, analyse and investigate my body and start labelling and marking all the things that are ‘wrong’ with my body – again based only on ‘hearsay’ information while having no clue what and how the body works and why particular points are manifested within a particular way within only caring about how my body ‘looks like’ and being completely oblivious/ignorant as to the actual workings and process of the body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have deliberately repeated the same thoughts and thought patterns over and over again until I actually believe them and automatically just ‘pop up’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have ignored knowing that what I was doing was fucked up as it was clear that I was sabotaging my well being both mentally and physically for the sake of looking a particular way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within moments where I could see what I was doing have gone and delved deeper into thought manipulation as to ‘cover up’ what I saw and throw a bunch of garbage on top of it – where I threw so many thoughts of judgment and manipulation at myself so that I would “calm down” and continue with depriving myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately re-shape my perception of myself as to make it easier to abuse myself – to justify it and ‘make sense’ out of it so that I would not have to stop for a moment and question my behaviour

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have brainwashed myself into an Eating Disorder

Day 151: My Way or the Highway

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?
Day 142: Respecting Beliefs
Day 143: Busted!
Day 144: Moving Beyond Self
Day 145: From Reaction to Self-Reflection
Day 149: Interpretation vs Seeing & Correcting
Day 150: How Dare you make me Feel Bad?

When and as I see myself react to criticism or ‘negative feedback’ in relation to something I said or did within ‘wanting to not do it at all anymore’ or ‘only doing it in secret’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is not an actual solution, nor is it real change – as I am merely moving to the opposite pole without addressing the issue as a form of protection mechanism and so I commit myself to identify what it is I am trying to protect as self-interest and hear the words spoken to me and align my application to take into consideration all who are affected within what I say / do and not just my own interest

When and as I see myself react upon seeing that I require to change my application to take others into consideration and within that believe that this ‘takes the fun out of it’ where I then rather do not want to do it at all or do it in secret so I do not have to hear / be faced with criticism/feedback that indicates that I should change – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that within this I am not allowing myself to be the directive principle within ‘having fun’ as I have placed particular conditions and limitations on fun and self-enjoyment where ‘taking others into consideration’ is apparently ‘not fun’ and something wherein I ‘cannot enjoy myself’, and where instead of seeing and changing this point I go into the opposite of ‘not wanting to do it at all’ or ‘doing it in secret’ and so I commit myself to move myself to integrate self-enjoyment within the principle that is Best for All

When and as I see myself reacting to feedback that indicate that I would have to change how I do things with thoughts such as “If I can’t do it my way then I won’t do it at all” or “What’s the point if I can’t do it MY way” – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is a form of spitefulness as resistance to change, reflecting back to me my self-interested nature and unwillingness to take others into consideration and so I commit myself to address my backchat and hear the words spoken/written and expand my self-application to take into consideration others as myself

When and as I see myself react to feedback given to me in relation to something I did or said and react to this within feeling offended / attacked and then only give this experience attention – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am in reactive mode and not actually hearing what is being said and so I commit myself to hear / look at the words spoken and whether or not they are relevant to my situation without taking it personal

When and as I see myself react to someone giving me feedback about something that I said or did that indicates that I require to change within feeling attacked and judging the other for what they said within accessing the belief that whatever I do as an outflow of “my expression” should be respected and simply accepted no matter what where in turn I will do the same for others -- I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that living by such a principle is what got us into the mess of today in the first place and will not get us anywhere and so I commit myself to no longer live by this principle and re-align my behaviour and responsiveness within myself to the principle of what is Best for All – Always

When and as I see myself react to criticism/feedback which indicates a requirement of change within myself within believing that this is unacceptable and an attack on my ‘god given unique expression’ where I did not have a say on ‘who I am’ and thus it is not fair for someone to attack me on this point because it is simply ‘who I am’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is nothing unique about ‘who I am’ as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, as it is merely the result/outflow of particular inputs producing equal outputs and thus there is nothing ‘special’, ‘holy’ or ‘sacred’ about it, as it is merely a matter of simple mathematics and so I commit myself to change my programming and align my response-ability to go beyond the limitations of my programming as how I was brought up in the context of a society of inequality and greed, to structure myself in a way that is Best for All life as the only worthwhile way to be

Related articles

• Day 150: How Dare you make me Feel Bad?
• Day 149: Interpretation vs Seeing & Correcting
• Day 145: From Reaction to Self-Reflection
• Day 143: Busted!
• Day 144: Moving Beyond Self
• Day 137: Re-Acting Reactive Reactions

Day 142: Respecting Beliefs

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that there was only ‘one way’ to have fun / enjoyment within playing around with the computer as ‘my way’ which was only within consideration of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have held on to the idea of fun/enjoyment as how I had defined it within myself which was within the starting point of self-interest within doing things ‘my way’ and how I wanted to explore things – without taking into consideration how ‘my way of fun’ may possible affect others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when faced with conflict/friction as my father being angry when things would go wrong with the pc after me playing around with – have gone into the polarity point of ‘doing it in secret’ or ‘not doing it at all’ from the starting point of the belief that ‘my way of doing things’ was ‘the right way’ and ‘the only way’ where instead of looking how I could change what I was doing to a way that was considerate of other people in my reality I only cared about myself and my own self-enjoyment and was not willing to give this up for the sake of improving things for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that my ‘fun/play-time’ would not be ‘fun’ anymore if I have to change/adapt myself into consideration of others, where I made the decision to do it in ‘secret’ or ‘not at all’ because I was not willing to change and wanted to hold on to my idea of ‘fun’ and believed that if I start changing my methods that takes into consideration others that this completely ‘ruins’ the point and that it is then useless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken on the stance of ‘it’s my way’ or ‘no way’ in terms of how I wanted to have fun, where any change to how I believed what ‘fun’ consisted of was completely unacceptable and was not willing myself to change ‘my way’ to a way that fits everyone else better as well, where instead of looking at where I am coming from, seeing that I am acting from within self-interest and correcting my behaviour – I went into a form of spitefulness within moving myself into secrecy or ‘not doing it at all’ to “protest” and show my “resistance” to what had been shown to me – not seeing and realising that this was not getting me anywhere but only further perpetuating my own self-limitation within only ever taking myself into consideration and in no way be willing to consider others in my reality, which is me only tightening my self-entrapment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have the right to have fun ‘my way’ no matter the consequence or repercussion of this ‘my way’ – where I believed/perceived any criticism to ‘my way’ as a direct attack/violation of my ‘beingness’ as if they were attacking me personally – not seeing and realising that what was pointed out to me that the way I was doing things was flawed and could be improved in a way that takes others into consideration as well – but where I did not even consider this perspective because I was too busy being offended / feeling attacked, where all I could think about was the ‘grave offense’ that had been done unto me as criticising ‘who I am’ where I believed this was something one could simply NOT do, as I believed that everyone was born with a particular “god given” expression and that one thus has no choice in ‘who one is’ and that any such criticism is thus out of the question

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must respect others’ expressions, attitudes, beliefs and behaviour no matter what – where everyone has the right to ‘be themselves’ and where I thus also demand that other respect my expressions, attitudes, beliefs and behaviour as some form of sacred/holy grail that is not allowed to be touched – and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider the consequences and implications of such an acceptance and allowance, where within this one belief one allows and accepts all forms of abuse to take place within this world, just on this one point

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is not okay to not question one’s believes, expression, attitudes and behaviour when these are in clear misalignment and violation with what is Best for All Life – which is basically like saying that everyone is allowed to harm anything and anyone if it pleases them so which is completely unacceptable

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the ‘unique expression’ each one has that I believed to be “god-given” and is “without any choice” is merely the result/outcome of one’s environment, upbringing and education – where one’s “expression” as ‘who one is ‘ is the result of one’s acceptances and allowances and in no way ‘holy’ or ‘sacred’ or ‘specific to the being’ but merely the result of input/output – and as such, any criticism towards how one expresses oneself is a criticism to one’s acceptance and allowance – which then require to be investigated and addressed accordingly

Related articles

• Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
• Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?
• Day 125: I am the Centre of the Universe!
• Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
• Don't you Dare Blaming me - Overview - Day 244
• Dag 73: Afraid of Petrification

Day 128: Sigh - Part 6

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 123: An Innocent Sigh?
Day 124: *Sigh* - a Sound says More than a Thousand Words
Day 125: I am the Centre of the Universe!
Day 126: Sigh - Part 4
Day 127: Sigh - Part 5

When and as I see myself access the belief that I do not have to consider other people or things because I am not aware of them and should only tend to my own self interest as MY experience and others should do the same for themselves – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that within not wanting to consider others and how they may be experiencing themselves (as a result of m actions) I am stating that I do not want to have anything to do with anything that goes beyond me and my comfort zone, to ensure that I do not have to change and so I commit myself to push myself out of my comfort zone and within every moment and every decision look whether I am only taking my own self-interest at heart or whether I am taking at heart the Interest of All within the understanding and realisation that my participation and life on earth is not an isolated manifestation but one that affects each and every one – just as theirs affect mine and thus understand that the only common sensical way for all to be in harmony is by acting and moving myself within what is Best for All Life

When and as I see myself access / play out the belief that since I have experiences and can only experience me and nothing/no-one else, that this means I am special – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that it is actually quite in reverse, where me being only aware and only being able to experience is very limited and inferior in relation to being aware and experiencing as part of the whole in unison – but where instead of acknowledging that my separation of the whole is in fact of a point of self-diminishment I have accepted and allowed myself to give it a ‘positive twist’ as to not question and thus change my current status and so I commit myself to investigate the point of ‘individuality’ within me and what this entails/implies within me and my existence and to study how I am separating myself from the whole and walk my journey to life

When and as I see myself make decisions within the reasoning of ‘why should I do it? I don’t see how that is my problem, I am not the one having an issue/experiencing a problem – what’s in it for me?’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is the very same capitalistic thought that has brought our world into ruins through the economic and monetary system of the world, where no one cares about anyone but themselves and so I commit myself to stop such abusive thoughts/backchat/attitudes/opinions as they are in direct violation of what is Best for All Life and the principle of Responsibility and move myself to make decisions within placing myself in the shoes of others

When and as I see myself getting upset when something is not going my way such as the internet being slow within the belief that I have ‘my right to happiness’ and that ‘nothing and no-one should stand in my way of MY happiness’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am living in direct contradiction within expecting everything and everyone to change for MY happiness but do not take into consideration what this ‘rule’ of mine would mean if it were to be applied to everyone – because if I have my right to happiness then everyone else also has their right to happiness which means that I should adjust/change the way I do things to not only be limited to my happiness but must act in way that is Best for All and so I commit myself to stop participating within the expectation that things should change to fit me and instead look at what role I play within the whole and make sure that my actions are not stemming from a stance of inequality

I commit myself to change my values within walking my Journey to Life to stand as Life being the only real value on Earth and have Equality as what is Best for All to be my guiding principle within every moment

When and as I see myself access the belief that ‘I am a good person’ because I once in a while will not have backchat just about myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am deluding myself within believing that because I have reactions that not just consider me that this means that ‘I am a good person’ while most of the time I am only consumed by my own self-interest and thus inherently evil and will use ‘positivity’ to cover up the evil in me and so I commit myself to investigate and explore what it is to actually care about life and not live an existent limited to only my self-interest

Related articles

• Day 126: Sigh - Part 5
• Day 126: Sigh - Part 4
• Day 125: I am the Centre of the Universe!
• Day 97: Don't you just LOVE Complaining? - Part 2
• Day 124: *Sigh* - a Sound says More than a Thousand Words

I Have the Right to Be How I Am

When I was in primary school, maybe about 9 years old – I was walking with some friends from school towards our homes. One of the girls had started getting bullied because she gossiped a lot about pretty much everyone. She was saying something like “I can’t change who I am, I have the right to be who I am, and if anyone disagrees with how and who I am then that’s their problem”.

When she said it, everyone was just kind of silent because this was kind of a huge concept (remember, we were nine year old and we’re talking about ‘beingness’ and ‘freedom of expression’). Most of us nodded but I couldn’t help myself but think that the statement she made was just not right.

I mean, she was basically saying that, although her behaviour was harmful, no-one had the right to ask her to change because that would infringe her beingness as a whole – which is sacred.

It’s interesting to see how already from a young age, this ingrained belief exists that you cannot change and you will not change because that would simply be disrespectful. And this whole ‘I have the right to be who I am’ belief – will at any given time even prevent someone from even just attempting to change. Because if you attempt to change, well then you are admitting that there’s something “wrong” or “off” with you and that’s just too hard for the ego to handle.

Back then, I would have probably used the exact same excuse to get away with my behaviour. Instead of taking responsibility for my behaviour, simply say that “this is who I am” and asking me to “change who I am” is rude, and thus I am actually the victim of your request for me to take self-responsibility (=asking me to change).

I think this whole concept of “I am who I am and if you don’t like it then f*ck off” attitude came pretty much from all the music we listened. When I was that age we (girls) were mostly into Britney Spears, Spice Girls, Destiny’s Child etc. – and they were full of this stuff.

Even in today’s music and how relationships are portrayed in the media this point of “freedom of speech” or “freedom of expression” gets linked to one’s ‘personality’ – where one’s personality is sacred and divine no matter what and if you question or demand someone to change, you are an abuser of free speech. So all we’re doing is hiding from taking responsibility simply because we have this fucked up idea that we cannot change and we shouldn’t’ change because “we’re just right the way we are”. But if you have a look at the playouts in this world, the policies and rules that we implement = it is quite obvious that “who we are” and “how we behave” is NOT okay.

What Desteni and the Desteni message is trying to do, is to show that how we’ve created this world is not okay and that we have the power to change and make a difference. By changing ourselves and by changing the world – one step at a time. To deny yourself change, is to deny responsibility.

For more on changing yourself visit the Desteni Website
For more in changing the world visit the Equal Money Website