Day 238: Avoiding Disappointment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a Fool for having had and wanting to Trust Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as dangerous and reckless to drop the ways of the System and to rather embrace the ways of Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for trusting Life, the moment, here -- perceiving and believing that it is naive and gullible and a sure way to destroy myself and others around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that it is not safe to Trust Life and that I have to use walls of knowledge and information to protect and defend me -- where I am constantly in a state of control and wanting to be ‘on top’ of the situation, not seeing the moment, not trusting the moment

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is all in reverse - that it is not safe to trust the mind in its limited ways and that it is safe to trust life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of trusting myself as life, as process


---


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected trusting myself, trusting life with causing pain and hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become scared of taking responsibility for myself and others because I have connected it to certain events where I was blamed for someone's pain and suffering and allowed it to crush me, allowed it to create pain and suffering within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility, to trust myself, to stand with and as myself because I perceive and believe that 'I am not the right person', 'please don't ask me to stand' - 'I am going to fuck up and create pain and suffering for me and for others'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing within and as my point of responsibility, of trust - believing and perceiving that it will only create disappointment for myself and others, so please don't ask anything of me, don't ask me to be or do more - it will only create more suffering, it is better if I take myself out of the equation and save everyone a lot of pain and hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cringe at the sight of 'being more' of 'doing more' - believing and perceiving that I am doomed and rotten to the core, that when others ask me for assistance or support, hold within me 'you don't know who you are dealing with, I am not who you think I am - don't ask me to support because it will only create more pain and suffering'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have forgotten who I am - where all that exists and remains is the pain and hurt of having 'fucked up' where I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself to one / a few events that I have defined as a 'fuck up' as a 'failure' and as a disappointment to myself and others - holding on to this 'bad' while forgetting and disregarding any good I created and contributed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the constant fear and anticipation that I am going to be blindsided again and have a shitstorm pour over me, that it is inevitable and just 'waiting to happen' - where I perceive and believe I can't trust 'any good' within myself or others, that is bound to get smashed in my face and that I will feel stupid and foolish for having put any trust and faith in myself and others

Within this - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the worst of myself and others, of the world - as a way to protect myself from any hurt and pain, as a way to avoid disappointment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by holding my eye, my focus and attention steady on the worst, on all that is going wrong and can go wrong - that is what I am nurturing and maintaining within myself and within the world - in essence creating that which I fear, that which I dislike - and only seeing that of myself and others which confirms my starting point 'as the worst' - and so I am constantly trapped and experience only the worst of me, as a constant inner hell and do not allow myself to experience anything else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the statement that 'you don't know who I really am' as the worst of me - feeling convinced that is the 'the truth', the 'reality' - not considering that I am so consumed by one or a few experiences - that it is actually I, who does not know who I am and I am not allowing myself to find out who I really am and who I could be - because I have already condemned myself to the worst

Day 142: Respecting Beliefs

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that there was only ‘one way’ to have fun / enjoyment within playing around with the computer as ‘my way’ which was only within consideration of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have held on to the idea of fun/enjoyment as how I had defined it within myself which was within the starting point of self-interest within doing things ‘my way’ and how I wanted to explore things – without taking into consideration how ‘my way of fun’ may possible affect others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when faced with conflict/friction as my father being angry when things would go wrong with the pc after me playing around with – have gone into the polarity point of ‘doing it in secret’ or ‘not doing it at all’ from the starting point of the belief that ‘my way of doing things’ was ‘the right way’ and ‘the only way’ where instead of looking how I could change what I was doing to a way that was considerate of other people in my reality I only cared about myself and my own self-enjoyment and was not willing to give this up for the sake of improving things for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that my ‘fun/play-time’ would not be ‘fun’ anymore if I have to change/adapt myself into consideration of others, where I made the decision to do it in ‘secret’ or ‘not at all’ because I was not willing to change and wanted to hold on to my idea of ‘fun’ and believed that if I start changing my methods that takes into consideration others that this completely ‘ruins’ the point and that it is then useless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken on the stance of ‘it’s my way’ or ‘no way’ in terms of how I wanted to have fun, where any change to how I believed what ‘fun’ consisted of was completely unacceptable and was not willing myself to change ‘my way’ to a way that fits everyone else better as well, where instead of looking at where I am coming from, seeing that I am acting from within self-interest and correcting my behaviour – I went into a form of spitefulness within moving myself into secrecy or ‘not doing it at all’ to “protest” and show my “resistance” to what had been shown to me – not seeing and realising that this was not getting me anywhere but only further perpetuating my own self-limitation within only ever taking myself into consideration and in no way be willing to consider others in my reality, which is me only tightening my self-entrapment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have the right to have fun ‘my way’ no matter the consequence or repercussion of this ‘my way’ – where I believed/perceived any criticism to ‘my way’ as a direct attack/violation of my ‘beingness’ as if they were attacking me personally – not seeing and realising that what was pointed out to me that the way I was doing things was flawed and could be improved in a way that takes others into consideration as well – but where I did not even consider this perspective because I was too busy being offended / feeling attacked, where all I could think about was the ‘grave offense’ that had been done unto me as criticising ‘who I am’ where I believed this was something one could simply NOT do, as I believed that everyone was born with a particular “god given” expression and that one thus has no choice in ‘who one is’ and that any such criticism is thus out of the question

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must respect others’ expressions, attitudes, beliefs and behaviour no matter what – where everyone has the right to ‘be themselves’ and where I thus also demand that other respect my expressions, attitudes, beliefs and behaviour as some form of sacred/holy grail that is not allowed to be touched – and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider the consequences and implications of such an acceptance and allowance, where within this one belief one allows and accepts all forms of abuse to take place within this world, just on this one point

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is not okay to not question one’s believes, expression, attitudes and behaviour when these are in clear misalignment and violation with what is Best for All Life – which is basically like saying that everyone is allowed to harm anything and anyone if it pleases them so which is completely unacceptable

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the ‘unique expression’ each one has that I believed to be “god-given” and is “without any choice” is merely the result/outcome of one’s environment, upbringing and education – where one’s “expression” as ‘who one is ‘ is the result of one’s acceptances and allowances and in no way ‘holy’ or ‘sacred’ or ‘specific to the being’ but merely the result of input/output – and as such, any criticism towards how one expresses oneself is a criticism to one’s acceptance and allowance – which then require to be investigated and addressed accordingly

Related articles

• Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
• Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?
• Day 125: I am the Centre of the Universe!
• Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
• Don't you Dare Blaming me - Overview - Day 244
• Dag 73: Afraid of Petrification

Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately believe that because I react to someone where I feel bad / cry – that this means that the person is ‘bad’ and ‘evil’ for ‘making me feel that way’ and that I am ‘right’ within ‘being the victim’ and that I was treated ‘unfairly’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anyone who ‘makes me feel bad’ is mean and should not have done / said what they did – where I accepted and allowed myself to believe that no-one has the right to ‘make me feel bad’ and that it is my right to be happy and that others must only ever do things to make me happy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when a child said something in class to another, where the other child was being stupid and the kid basically pointed it out – where the other then started crying and where the teacher scolded the one who made the comment – have created the belief that one cannot make another feel bad / make them cry no matter what the circumstance/situation is – where making someone crying is simply ‘not done’ and ‘evil’ and that such behaviour should be punished and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the moment of the one child making a comment, the other crying and the teacher scolding the one who made the comment – have integrated the point that one can ‘get away’ with things if you cry / show that you feel bad as if that is one of the biggest violations that can be done unto and stored this information to use for future manipulation – while all the while the teacher was probably just trying to get the crying kid to shut up within punishing the other kid in order to avoid any later confrontation with unhappy parents who believe their child is being bullied and blame the teacher

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt ‘violated’ whenever I was faced with anger/conflict/friction where I couldn’t believe what just happened to me and what had been ‘done unto me’ – without seeing and realising that I was the one creating this experience for me and thus I was in essence ‘violating myself’ where all I was doing was react to what another said/did and interpreted what they said through filters of perception upon which I created the experience of feeling hurt/bad/violated – not seeing and realising that I wasn’t actually hurt/violated but that I was merely playing out an acquired manipulation tactic as I had seen when I was young in class, where I integrated within me the perfect way to avoid change, where if anyone says something which puts me out of character, I will cry and show ‘how bad’ I feel, making the other person ‘the bad guy’ and myself ‘the victim’ so that I can completely indulge in the experience of ‘being hurt’/’violated’ and shift the attention to the other – where I end up with a situation where I do not have to actually look at my actions and what the other person may be reflecting to myself because I am too busy drowning myself in tears and in my dramatics point out how it is the other person that needs to change, because he/she is MEAN!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when in school when a child made a comment about another child and the child started to cry, where the teacher scolded the child who made the comment – have also integrated the point that I should never say things which may possible hurt another to the point where they feel bad / hurt / cry –where I should limit myself to saying ‘nice things’ only, even if someone’s behaviour really bothers me within the starting point that saying something that “makes” another cry is ‘not done’ and of the highest evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when faced with conflict/anger and ending up feeling hurt/crying – to have started to genuinely believe that what I am experiencing is real within being hurt/sad and believing that the other person is wrong/mean/evil as if it is a basic law of nature – not seeing and realising that this idea came from somewhere and that I adopted this idea and applied it – it wasn’t something that ‘just is’ and within this dogmatic belief have completely failed to look at the origin of this point and only indulged myself within my experience of sadness, hurt, feeling bad, victimization, self-pity and blame – losing sight of the bigger picture completely

Related articles

• Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
• Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party
• Day 232 - Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.
• Day 125: I am the Centre of the Universe!
• Day 19 - Thats NOT FAIR!
• Day 222 - I am worthless in Conversations and Self Sabotage