Day 87: Waking Up from a Dream

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 83: Sweet! I can get Angry now
Day 84: Vengeance is Mine 
Day 85: No More Grudges 
Day 86: I'm Never going to Talk to you Again! 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was small and got angry at my family, to go and write their name down in a little book under ‘people who I am never going to talk to again’ – as a to achieve ‘payback’ for the experience which I took personal and blamed them for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that writing down people’s name in a book under ‘people I am never going to talk to again’ – was an actual solution to my experience / how I felt in relation to family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘not ever talking to people again’ was a solution to me feeling bad / offended / embarrassed / ridiculed – while it was clear that I would not be able to maintain “commitment” and that this in no way altered the nature of me and how I reacted to others within embarrassment / ridicule

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gotten angry when it was pointed out to me how ridiculous my ‘coping mechanism’ was – where instead of seeing and realising that it is ridiculous/not working and actually investigating my experience and how it came about – I only got more angry and went further into blame

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let go of anger / feeling wronged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have specified my ‘blackbook’ technique, whereby I no longer placed people’s names in an actual physical book and promise that I would “never talk to them again” – but instead placed them in my ‘mental’ blackbook and made a note to exploit any future event that I can where I can make them feel bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gotten angry when I woke up from a dream where my sister killed my guinea pig and believed that this dream was telling me something about my sister as ‘who she really is’ – where I went into anger and hate and held on to it for several days, within the belief that she actually killed my guinea pig and that she was the actual cause for the experience of anger and hate within me – without seeing and realising that it was all me as all these points only ever took place in a dream, MY dream – and so I am the creator and the slave of my own creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken the dream where my sister killed my guinea pig and used it as an excuse/justification as to why it is ‘okay’ to hate her – as my dream had “shown” me what a bitch she really is, and so it is totally okay to hate her and be mean to her

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the dream was actually telling me the opposite, where it is not okay and justifiable to hate / be angry at my sister as everything that happened within the dream was of my own doing / creation as well as how I experienced myself within the dream and after the dream upon waking up – where the dream was showing me that even with my actual sister being removed from the picture, I will still end up creating the same scenarios for myself and creating the same experiences – and thus it was up to me to investigate these experiences and find out how they came about and how I can correct them

When and as I see myself wanting to place people’s names into my mental ‘blackbook’ for future payback – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am deflecting from the actual issue within focusing all my attention unto others – and so I commit myself to bring the point back to myself and investigate the point for which I am blaming another and correct it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself believing that payback is an actual solution – other than making me feel better – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am seeking / reaching for a quick fix, where I want to ‘feel better’ about myself without having to actual look at how I created my experience for myself and so I commit myself to stop, breathe – bring myself here as my human physical body and commit myself to investigate how my reaction / pattern got triggered and re-pattern myself within alignment of what is best for all life

When and as I see myself making commitment/promises that I cannot possible keep – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am making these promises/commitments from the starting point of energy as they are not practical within the realm of the physical and so I commit myself to stop, investigate the nature of myself starting point and correct myself

When and as I see myself going into an emotional charge of being angry or feeling wronged – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that it does not serve me, nor anyone else, to hold on to these emotions and so I commit myself to within a singular breath let go of the energy, ground myself here as my human physical body – and walk

When and as I see myself waking up from a dream where something happened and I took someone’s behaviour in my dream personal – and then modify/change my behaviour towards this person in actual physical reality ‘as if’ they really did it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this experience is revealing to me the extent that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my experience and within that I commit myself to use this as an opportunity to take responsibility for my inner experience and to investigate what the specific person represents within me and walk the point within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself having had a dream about a particular person which re-enforces my already existent idea about that person which I act out on within my waking time – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have created an idea/opinion about another which requires serious sorting-out and so I commit myself to investigate the ideas/beliefs/perceptions I have created around a specific person and bring these points back to myself within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself waking up from a dream within a particular state of energy – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this only further re-confirms that I am the creator of my own experiences and so I commit myself to take responsibility for my inner reality and to dissect whatever dream I just had as this dream obviously revealed to me a pattern to be investigated, as the dream indicate a point where I am still allowing myself to be directed by energy

Related articles

• Day 84: Vengeance is Mine
• Day 85: No More Grudges
• Day 86: I'm Never going to Talk to you Again!
• Day 114: The Dream Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2
• Day 78: Self-Rejection
• Day 50: Here -- Yet Lightyears away

Day 31: Fear of Speaking - Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying something which I perceive is 'against the grain' of what another is saying or doing -- within the fear that they will 'come back at me' and that I will not know how to respond -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that within the moment of not being able to respond -- that I will be seen as small, weak and an 'embarrassment' as I am unable to 'back up' my statement and within that be seen as 'invalid' -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of being reduced to 'nothing'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to respond to a person's reply -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I find myself unable to formulate or come up with a response that this means that what I had to say is invalid and that this somehow means that my entire beingness/existence is invalidated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be seen as an embarrassment within the moment that I find myself unable to formulate a reply -- and within this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am the one deciding to be an embarrassment for myself because I am the one who decided and put in place the conditions which make something/someone an 'embarrassment' in my eyes -- and so I've made myself an embarrassment to myself by my own accord

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it has never been ‘about the other’ and ‘how the other might see me’ as I have only ever projected my own beliefs/ideas/fears/perceptions/opinions upon myself within any given circumstance and so it is all about me and how I have to deconstruct my own thought / belief patterns and purify my vocabulary to be able to free myself from my own prison as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘not being able to respond’ / ‘substantiate your claim’ as ‘being weak’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a chain between ‘not being able to respond’ / ‘substantiating one’s claim’, the point of ‘weakness’ and ‘embarrassment’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust and rely on the past as memories to direct me and tell me what to do and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have submitted myself to believe that the past is bound to be repeated and that I am unable to change myself and my patterns

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to re-create the same memories over and over again through relying on the past as memories for my direction instead of me being here as breath directing myself within every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection between ‘not being able to respond to someone’ and ‘weakness/embarrassment’ within and through memory where as a small child someone got really angry at me for something I did/said where I went into a complete mode of petrification and did not know how to respond to what was being said and where I peed my pants because of the amount of fear I was experiencing and not knowing how to deal with the situation

Will walk the specific memory which opened up within my next blog

Day 30: Fear of Speaking - Part 2

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to participate within conversation fully and unconditionally, but instead go into the 'Fear of Speaking Character' -- where when I want to say something which is not in line with what the other person just said, I access all my past memories of when I said something and the event did not play out the way I hoped -- where the person came back at me within an emotional charge, I took it personal and 'shut down' inside myself -- and so whenever I am faced with a situation where I want to say something which is 'against the grain' of what the other person just said -- I filter through all the memories which I use to manipulate myself into fear of speaking -- where I access the fear of 'oh no, what if that happens again' and within that decide not to speak out of fear of going through a similar experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access the 'Fear of Speaking Character' whenever I want to say something which is not in line with what another just said and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me deciding not to speak in the moment because of the fear of some event happening -- is me diminishing myself and my self trust to direct myself appropriately in any given circumstance -- and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to be able to direct myself 'appropriately' -- where this 'appropriately' is me being here in the moment as breath, hearing the words which are spoken and assessing them within practical common sense (instead of going into an emotional reaction of taking the words personal, having no clarity at all and shutting down inside myself) -- and formulating a reply within self-honest self-reflection within having evaluated the words which were spoken

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the other being becoming emotional/defensive -- because fear myself becoming emotional -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must play the 'energy game' where if one person goes into a particular energetic charge that this means that I also have to go into an energetic charge and accept ourselves as slaves to emotions/energy

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that one does not have to play the energy game -- as playing the energy game simply means that one is not yet accepting self responsibility within embracing self as the directive principle and so I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take self responsibility for myself within being the directive principle in my life but instead chose to hide behind emotions and feelings so I apparently do not have to be accountable for my actions and decisions 'as I am but a mere victim of my fierce emotions'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I cannot continue participating within the 'Not Speaking Character' as each time I participate within this character I am being untrue to myself and diminishing myself little by little -- which only shows how little self worth and self respect I have for myself within placing illusionary fears over my own self-respect

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this energetic pattern I enter as the 'Fear of Speaking Character' is going to take time to remove -- as it took time to build where every moment I decided to not speak in my life out of fear became a building block of this character and thus I have to deconstruct the 'Fear of Speaking Character' block by block, layer by layer, memory by memory and correct myself through practical application and practicing speaking even when I fear it so I may integrate a new pattern within myself which is me being here as the physical and simply speaking when speaking here and not let the mind override that which is real

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to prove myself wrong within unconditionally speaking and unconditionally walking through the experience no matter what the outcome/result may be and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have gift myself the opportunity to change and expand myself beyond my self imposed limitations within giving my life away to characters which I've accumulated over my lifetime, allowing characters to dictate every moment of my life instead of me taking responsibility for myself and cleaning up the mess I've accepted and allowed myself to be and become

Day 29: Fear of Speaking - Part 1

Every once in a while I’ll go back and listen to my Tree of Life interview that was done five years ago – and every time (which is usually once a year lol) I watch it again, I’m just astonished at the accuracy of the information the being in the portal was sharing and how it is still after all these years: DEAD ON.
 

When I watched the interview for the first time, I remember not completely ‘getting it’ and going ‘Hmmm, okay…’ – but after about my first year in process I can really see how absolutely specific the points were which opened up, which only shows how completely unaware I used to be of my own existence and what I actually experience inside myself towards myself and the world in general. 

 One of the points mentioned in the interview was that of ‘Fear of Speaking’ and this is the point I want to take on (some more lol) within my next few blogs.

My fear of speaking basically comes from fear of conflict – where I want to say something but I won’t within the fear that the being will come at me and that I will get all emotional and not be able to produce a comeback – and where I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined this type of scenario ‘useless’ because then, even if I “speak my mind” the message would not have gone across and so I tell myself that I might as well not say anything because it’d just be a waste of time and I’d be embarrassing myself for nothing.

Then after the event has taken place and I decided to not speak my mind because of all these fears and ideas I have, I will go about and occupy my mind with the scenario, playing it over and over and over again, but this time with me “speaking my mind” and getting my message across and then also with me “speaking my mind” and the other person coming at me.

So this replay stuff inside my head then starts to accumulate and I actually start becoming angry within myself, angry at the person – and then as I keep on replaying it, it will suddenly just spiral out and all these other points will come up that I don’t like about that person and they will all just join up into one massive pile and be included in the whole replay session going on inside my head.  Then it either goes two ways: I get massive pains in my body and go ‘crap, what have I been doing’ (and this pain will usually only come later, after loooots and lots of accumulation) – or – I just get tired of all the bullshit in my head and stop myself before it gets to the pain part lol.

And it’s interesting how I will sabotage myself to just not get to the point of speaking. By the backchat focus being constantly on ‘the other person’ and getting all these other things involved ‘about the other person’ (and then repeating the same shit over and over)  -- I will in the end come to the point where I really believe that how I experienced myself in that moment and why I didn’t speak was all ‘because of that other person’ – where I now completely change and alter my memory of how things actually happened through backchat, that I fail to see that it was ME all along. It was ME who decided not to speak and the other person never, ever had anything to do with MY decision to not speak. Yet, somehow I will go and blame that person for me not speaking and how I experience myself which is completely disrespectful and unacceptable.

Another way I’ll sabotage myself is by telling myself that “since I have all this backchat and ‘mind-talk’ about the event that happened and the thing I wanted to say – it must mean that what I wanted to say wasn’t really relevant and so I shouldn’t bring it up at all and just forget about it!” – yes, very clever suppression/manipulation technique I developed there.

That reasoning is completely beside the point because the only reason why I am having this whole anger experience and backchat is because I suppressed speaking in the first place. The back chat was not about ‘what I wanted to say’, but about how I didn’t say anything, and within that moment not being true to myself -- and then me going into an experience of anger --  which is really me just being angry at myself for being untruthful towards myself -- while at the same time trying to deflect the point from myself through blaming others, having to go into an experience of physical pain before I will go and stop myself and ask: What the fuck am I doing?

It’s sad to see how us humans go into all this weird mind shit just we can hide from ourselves and make sure that we don’t ever change – it’s time to stop.

Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective / Commitment Statements to Follow

Day 17: Betrayal – Anger and Me – Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt angry and betrayed when I heard people talk behind my back about something I did while I was playing on my own, where it was said that it was childish and that they can’t believe I’m still occupying myself with these type of things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt hurt within myself when I heard them talk about my back and judge me for what I did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself for what I did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone all red in my face, where I felt raging anger, embarrassment and tears well up in my eyes all at the same time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that  -- within that moment of them talking about me as being “childish” – that they had taken something away from me and thus feel hurt inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed and perceived that they had taken a piece of my “dignity”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been angry at myself for having done what I did because while I was doing what I was doing before, the thought had popped in my head that the other family members might think that this is stupid and childish – but I did it anyway

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt angry and betrayed because I believed that family was here in the world to help me and I didn’t understand / couldn’t believe why they would talk about me like that behind my back – we were supposed to have each others’ backs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that moment of hearing them talk about me behind my back – have gone into complete anger possession – where I swore to myself that I will never trust them again and that I should instead trust myself as my thoughts because I did think that they would judge me for it and now they did – which I interpreted as a confirmation that I should trust myself as thoughts instead of expressing myself unconditionally no matter what anyone else thinks of what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what my family members think of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my family members to like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my family members to like me because at that point in my life they were all that I had

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed a higher value on what my other family members think of me than what I think of me on the basis that they are older and that they know better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection between “being older”, “knowing better” and “authority”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection between “being younger”, “knowing less” and “inferiority”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken my family members as an example of how things are done within the belief that they know better as they are older than me – and thus use their feedback to judge myself and change myself according to what I thought would make me fit  / be normal within the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had created the belief that it was “us” as the family “against the big bad world” – and now that I heard them talk about me behind my back I felt like I had lost this support as it felt like the “big bad world” was now also in the house as the family members and I felt hopeless and alone within myself as I perceived that I had lost all hope of having people by me that I can trust as I walk through my life and this world as a child

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise at that time that there cannot be any separation between “the family” and “the world” as the family is a result of the world and thus there can be no “family vs the world” as it’s all one and the same thing as what we have accepted and allowed to have become of our creation on Earth

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise – that in that moment it wasn’t my family that betrayed me – but me that betrayed myself – as the experience showed that I had not been unconditional in my expression but had tied my expression to the feedback of others as my family – and thus when their feedback was negative, I felt bad and hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to betray myself within myself through not being unconditional in my expression but tying it to what other think / might think of me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the particular experience I went through as anger, rage, betrayal, embarrassment and sadness – was never about them but about ME

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have blamed my family for how I experienced myself within that moment for stabbing me in the back – while it was actually me stabbing myself in the back through not unconditionally expressing myself within the moment

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I experienced betrayal because of the way I treated myself and my expression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the family system cannot be perfect in an imperfect world

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it’s not because the world is fucked up and the family system is fucked up that I must now go and betray myself and act like everyone else and the world does and become equally fucked

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I cannot be angry at the world if I don’t take the practical steps to change the world – as all I am doing then is blaming the world for how I experience myself without doing anything to correct it and thus in essence being angry at myself for not taking responsibility for myself, my experience and my / the world

When and as I see myself going into an experience of betrayal – I stop and I breathe – I see / realise / understand that I am in fact causing this experience of betrayal inside myself as I am the one betraying me – and thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate within blame/projection but take responsibility for my actions as self-betrayal and I commit myself to investigate this point of self-betrayal and walk the necessary Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements and Actions

When and as I see myself going into an experience of anger – I stop and I breathe – I see /realise / understand that I am in fact participating in a form of blame where I am not taking responsibility for a particular point within myself and the world – I thus investigate this point and commit myself to take the necessary steps to correct the point

I commit myself to changing the world to a place where everyone can unconditionally express themselves and where both parents and children are educated in terms of the functioning of the Mind so that they can be provided with the tools in terms of how to work with oneself and sort oneself out