Day 239: Experience Living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to my experiences as I perceive and believe that the only way to give myself direction and derive guidelines of ‘who to be’ and ‘what to do’ comes from what I experience inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the only way to have direction and have a guideline is to fall back on my experiences as my compass of positive and negative as what to say yes and no to depending on what I experience as positive or negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that using experience as emotions and feelings and thoughts as the morality construct of right and wrong is the only way to have direction in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that if I give up my thoughts, feelings and emotions that I am giving up direction for myself in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that if I give up my thoughts, feelings and emotions that there is ‘nothing else’ and ‘nothing left’ to fall back on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I do not have the capacity of common sense and considering what is best for all and so when the notion comes up of ‘give up all emotions, feelings and thoughts’ I go into a panic -- because I perceive and believe that nothing else exists besides emotions, feelings and thoughts 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a continuous dance of balancing the positive and negative energetic experiences inside myself - constantly compensating one for the other, perceiving and believing that I am 'moving forward' but really I am just stuck in a cycle of infinity, moving between polarities, where even though the 'seasons' change, I have not changed, I only think and perceive I have changed based on the notion that 'there was movement' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that if only I had more positive experiences that 'things would be better' - not seeing and realizing that only the 'experience' is better but that this is not an actual indicator of things for real being and moving better - as both the positive and negative energy are an illusion and not an indicator of reality 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that I am incapable of principled living which then only leaves me with experienced living -- which leaves me as a victim to the dictations of my mind as the positives and negatives I've accumulated and assigned to words throughout my childhood from my family, culture, environment - which is essentially random as it is based on the negatives and positives others had assigned and passed on / shared through various encounters where I have established my own ‘cocktail’ of positives and negatives as ‘MY’ outlook on life encapsulated in positive and negative experiences, not seeing and realizing that it is not MY outlook on life and living but the outlooks I’ve copied and integrated from those around and before me

 

Day 232: Fear, so much Fear!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in constant fear and survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find myself things to do to keep busy, to keep engaged and have myself focus on anything but my experience of fear and survival - to then when one moment / task is done - plunge into a panic of ‘what now??? Now it’s all back!’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of my own fear / of me experiencing and embodying fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my fear is very valid, where I perceive and believe my fear is my ‘voice of reason’ and that it’s there for a reason and that I must listen to it and be engaged with it because it’s trying to tell me something important that I need to know / be aware of to be able to avoid some worst case scenario -- and yet at the same time be so consumed by the fear that all I exist as is this fear and see no solutions, no direction and only react more to the state I am in which compounds the fear even more

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and distract myself from my fears and my experiences by keeping busy and keeping engaged so that I do not have a moment to myself where I am alone with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to on the one hand want to get away from my experience of fear because I ‘disappear’ and yet at the same time want to be engaged in my fear, give it attention, because I perceive and believe that it’s telling me information to protect me and I must act on my fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my fear in separation of myself, as this external entity that attacks and ‘takes over’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less than my fear

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am the creator of my own fear, that I am the one creating my own overwhelming experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see that I am capable of creating overwhelming experiences for and towards myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to my fears where I will tell myself ‘let go of the fear, whether I am in fear or not, I am here anyway’ - where for a moment I have peace inside myself only to then bring up all the ‘what ifs’ I have been fearing as if to put me ‘back in my place’ , ‘back to diminishment’ that I am ‘not allowed to not have fear’, that ‘fearlessness is ignorant and stupid’ - who do I think I am to not be fearful?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that the only way to give direction to points of concern is by fearing them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have equated fear to being responsible and considerate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fearfulness is a practical survival skill

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have equated fear to being aware 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be able to list all the things that can go wrong and being aware of everything that can go wrong at a given moment is ‘responsible’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate my fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is the answer to everything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that fear is justified because of previous moments / events where I didn’t know how to direct something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my past shows me my future, in that the future is necessarily going to be the same as the past and that I am bound to experience myself in the same way and respond to things the same way and so I am trapped and a victim and will only ever experience myself as my limitations 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust fear because I do not trust that I can change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even within this very self-forgiveness defend and justify my fears through logic

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have shown myself that I do not need fear 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to and defend the known while at the same time being unwilling to explore the unknown 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my fear and justify my fearfulness because apparently it ‘got me this far’ and so ‘has to be of use / valuable’ and that it is ‘reckless’ to ‘give that up’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to place the blame outside of myself as to ‘why I am so fearful’, that it’s because of ‘all of these reasons and things are just worth fearing’ while in reality I have not taken enough time, consistently, to do my writing, my forgiveness and have let things accumulate to the point where I am ‘too full of stuff’ and everything seems hopeless with no solution in sight - while I very well know that when I was most empowered was then I was writing and doing forgiveness consistently and that my current experience is a manifested consequence of ‘letting things slide’

Within this - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I could ‘afford’ to let things slide because I had reached a point of stability within myself and things were working out - perceiving and believing that once it has been ‘achieved’ it will remain there forevermore, taking only note of the end result and not the process of creation and that it is this process of creation that requires to be maintained and practised consistently over time

I commit myself to get back to what I know serves me, to the basics, to the tools that have always supported me as breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective statements and actions

I commit myself to trust myself to get back to my real self, to trust that my experience of fearfulness is not a final condemnation and an absolute, that I am not bound to and by fear -- and that I can experience, live and express myself as my best potential both for myself and for others as myself

Day 12: Anxiety and Me - Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a relationship of comfort with anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being in a state of anxiety something provides me with greater control over myself and my situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection between "anxiety" and "preparedness"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am in a state of anxiety, that I am somehow better prepared for whatever which may be coming

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anxiety places me in a 'better position' -- instead of seeing and realising that it is actually in reverse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I already place myself mentally within the unwanted situation which I anticipate -- that this somehow is going to affect the outcome in a way that benefits me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find the experience of anxiety "normal"

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the experience of anxiety is in fact not normal at all and is rather uncomfortable and unpleasant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given my power away to an experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given my power away to emotions and feelings and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by giving my power away to emotions and feelings such as anxiety, I am in fact validating and enforcing their existence while at the same time invalidating and weakening myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed emotions and feelings in a position of Author-ity where I have accepted and allowed myself to let emotions and feelings dictate who I am and how I experience myself instead of seeing and realising myself as my own Author-ity and scripting my own path within alignment with that which is Best for All

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a victim of my feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is nothing that I can do about the emotions and feelings I experience and that all I can do is "wait it out" until I can feel 'better'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stand up within myself to no longer accept and allow emotions and feelings to dictate who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a slave to my feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regard emotions and feelings as some 'external force' to which I can only submit -- instead of seeing and realising that emotions and feelings are not some external force, but are in fact me as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and that it is a matter of me abdicating my responsibility towards a part of myself from which I am have separated myself from

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the emotions and feelings I experience are me in fact as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and that it is thus a matter of me directing myself towards an outcome that is Best for All and thus also best for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from my emotions and feelings

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to question the experiences inside me as feelings and emotions even though they clearly make my life more difficult and less pleasant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is okay to act upon emotions and feelings as that is what everyone else seems to have been doing

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to question manifestations within this world which clearly do not bring about an outcome which is Best for All -- simply because I see others not question it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the principle of what is Best for All overrules the conditioning of the masses


When and as I see myself going into a state of anxiety and going "oh no, here it goes again" -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that the very statement as the thought "here IT goes again" implies separation and is me indicating to myself where I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from a part of myself and thus abdicate my self-responsibility. As I breathe in I allow myself to acknowledge the fact that this anxiety is in fact me and not some separate entity here to dominate me and since I am the creator of the anxiety as myself I am perfectly capable of directing this anxiety and stop myself as anxiety

When and as I see myself going into a state of anxiety -- I stop and I breathe -- I ask myself "What am I afraid of facing" and investigate the origin of anxiety within myself. I allow myself to sit down and have a look at the points which opened up and apply Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements so that these points no longer remain as obstacles within my life

When and as I see myself going into a state of anxiety -- I stop and I take a deep breath in and a deep breath out -- I assist and support myself within breathing to ground myself and re-direct the energy instead of the energy directing me as this has shown me to lead me nowhere

When and as I find myself in a state of anxiety and find myself feeling small and powerless in the face of this emotional experience -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am in fact the one feeding this manifestation inside myself where I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to emotions and feelings and within that impose inferiority upon myself -- I see and realise that this is not self-supportive and thus I get myself back together and STOP within the realisation that I am the creator and origin of the experienced fear and anxiety


I commit myself to the establishment of an Equal Money System where feelings and emotions are part of a child's education so that a child may learn and know how to deal with feelings and emotions from an early age

I commit myself to the re-education of Parents so that parents may be the living examples to the children and so assist and support them in terms of how to deal with their internal realities so that these may be aligned within the interest of what is Best for All

I commit myself to expose the uselessness and inherent limitation existent within the allowance of emotions and feelings to rule our very being and to show what is possible when one place themselves as their own Author-ity within one’s life

I commit myself to the end of all fear and anxiety -- in myself and everyone else