Showing posts with label pattern. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pattern. Show all posts

Saturday, 13 September 2014

Day 228: How We Worship False Images & are Self-Blasphemous

I was investigating a pattern of Self-Compromise within myself where I went back to childhood memories to trace the origin of this pattern and what motivated me to take on this pattern within my life and acting it out.

As I was walking a mini-Mind Construct* on this point, I could see how and why I had allowed Self-Compromise to become such a big part of my life. While I currently experience Self-Compromise to be a ‘very big part of me’, I could see while walking my Mind Construct, that this hadn’t always been so.

I could identify the specific moment in childhood where I had made a particular decision about a direction I would take in my life / a particular ‘role’ or ‘purpose’ that I had assigned to myself which had Self-Compromise has a direct outflow/consequence.

This role/purpose that I had assigned to myself, had been made in separation of myself – where I was aspiring to embody a particular idea/image.

I could see within opening up the point further in my Mind Construct, that in every moment of participating in this role and giving into Self-Compromise, how I was feeding and growing this construct/idea – where initially I as a child had been aware of the decision I had made, and was aware that this ‘is not me’ – to over time continuously participating in the point to where it superseded the ‘real me’ and where I kind of started to forget about this decision that I had made in the past to participate in this construct, and where as time progressed even more, and my ‘real me’ had now been effectively completely suppressed by this construct and others that I had taken on on the way – I now believed that this ‘idea’/’role’ I took on *was me*, and that this was in fact the ‘only real me’ and only ever was and will be ‘the real me’.

As I was applying my Self Forgiveness on this point, it struck me how I throughout my life had actively lived out the point of ‘Worshipping a False Image’ and ‘Serving a False God’ ( because after all, if we are made in the image and likeness of “God”, it means that ‘we are’ “God”). Where I actively served a false image/idea of myself, believing it to be ‘the real deal’ and within doing so, not serving myself as Life, but serving myself as the Mind. This would be: Self-Blasphemy, as we are insulting ourselves and treating ourselves with a great deal of lack of respect within pursuing and maintaining our ‘false images’.

So this was quite cool to see, once again, how we create our limitations and believe ourselves to be all these ideas and images that when you get to the core of it = are actually not. And how within seeing/revealing this creation process for yourself, the simplicity of the realization that you do not have to live-out this particular point or pattern, because you can see/realise that you were never ‘it’ in the first place = is just awesome.



* A Mind-Construct is a specific structured method of Self-Investigation taught within SRA as part of the Desteni I Process

Monday, 8 July 2013

Day 219: Have we Reached our Final Destination?

timeline_filosofie When I was in primary school, most classrooms were fitted with this loooong horizontal poster, showing a timeline of history from the hunter/gatherers up to the Modern Age or the ‘Now’. From year to year, grade to grade, we would move up the timeline in our history lessons.

I remember staring a lot at this timeline whenever I was bored, and I remember thinking that ‘we’ve come a long way’. We started with ‘nothing’ at our hunter/gathers stage, being very primitive. Then we moved through the Ancient times with Egypt and the classical times of the Greeks and the Romans and the middle ages aaall the way up to where we are now. The timelines would also have little pictures of ‘significant’ points in history and I remember the last section of the timeline being cramped up with lots of pictures of like an astronaut and a train, airplane, tv, telephone – all the cool technology shit that we’ve got today.

What I had gathered from my history lessons was that we had gone through a lot of struggle in terms of our own survival and being barbaric towards one another – but that we now finally had come to a stage where we had our living environment sorted out and us humans were living together in ‘good times’. As a kid, this made sense. I had a home, I had a family, I had food every day, a bed to sleep, friends to play with, a future in this world. All my needs were taken care of. So from my perspective at that stage, it had seemed that in terms of where we were at in history was our ‘Final Destination’, like we finally got it right, we’re finally living comfortably – from here on it can only get better.

13 – 15 Years later, I got some more perspective.

Turns out, that when we were looking at the' ‘Modern Age’ and nice, comfy living – that this only counted for a small segment of the world population. Turns out, that everyone else is still stuck on various different points of the timeline, where some are still living primitive lives, coming by with the minimum. Turns our, that child labour is not a nightmare of the past, but a present issue still being lived out by many. Turns out, that people are still servants to those with more money with no potential of getting out of such position. Turns out, that poverty has been increasing and more people are suffering today ever before. Turns out that in this Great Day and Age with all our ‘Modernity’ we’re doing fuck-all to actually make a change to these situations, doing fuck-all to make sure that this magnificent point in history as being taken care of completely in every single way, having all your Human Rights secured – is being stretched and expanded to every single ‘corner’ of the earth.

I mean, looking at that timeline now – it’s really one big scam. That timeline did not in anyway reflect world history in a factual way, but was only meant to show the history of a minority and the present of a minority – and then create the idea / belief that where we’re at now in world history is a world-wide phenomena: bullocks!!

I’m busy reading a People’s History of the United States by Howard Zinn, and one of the things that struck me as I progress through the timeline, is how nothing every changes. We move from enslaving one kinds of people to another. We move from slavery to servitude. Then, while we have all the real though, shitty, cruel slavery taking place – we have an entire hierarchy of different slavery forms within that, where there’s an entire hierarchy of groups – each one enslaved to the next. So that each time when there is some ‘big revolution’ or some ‘big change’ that apparently happened – it’s really no big deal because they same pattern just keeps re-occurring over and over and over again in different forms, over different types of people, over different regions in the world. Like now for instance, I am reading about how bad the workers and laborers had it round the 1850s, having to work in terrible, life-threatening job environments for a near-to-nothing pay – that’s including the child laborers. So now, while the American people may have fought and resisted hard to have made this change – two centuries later and miles off shore = we have the exact same conditions, the exact same situation playing out, where adults and children are forced into labor, dangerous labor, just to get by another day. But are we going out on the street and strike? Are we getting angry, mad, demanding change in anyway whatsoever? No – because apparently ‘that’s all over and all is better now’.

So from reading this book, it is clear that we have not reached anything. I’ve only read about a third of the book but you can already see where it is going. With what I’ve read, and within seeing what is going on in the world today – we are still repeating the exact same patterns as 500 years ago. We haven’t reached our final destination. We’re nowhere close to it. All those great happenings like ‘Independence’, ‘abolishment of slavery’, ‘end of segregation’, ‘end of apartheid’, ‘the declaration of human rights’ – all those events turn bleak and shriveled in the face of history. They are but minute moments where we thought we were getting somewhere, but they are actually completely meaningless. I mean, have a look at the world today, the wars, the conflict, the economic hardship – we have obviously not learnt ANYTHING. We’re still freaking idiots bashing each others heads in, in the name of survival – while we have all the tools to actually live in a world that’s Best for All. All those ‘Great Achievements’ as the only things we tend to remember about our history = it’s just one big joke. They’re completely meaningless. How can you give those events ANY value in the face of what we live today.

If we want to come to a point where we can stop playing out the same old pattern, and actually settle down – we need to consider changes that will actually make an impact on our quality of living here on Earth. We should at the least implement a Basic Income, such as proposed by The Equal Life Foundation as the Basic Income Guaranteed.  This story has gone on for far too long, let’s create our Happy Ending.

Thursday, 3 January 2013

Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thoughts - Part 1

Since I didn’t ‘naturally’ develop an Eating Disorder – I had to manage my thoughts and behaviour very deliberately and extensively.

I guess that when you ‘naturally’ develop an ED that at some point in time a traumatic event happens from whereon one’s behaviour and patterns change and over time, through accumulation you set yourself up with a particular mind-set within which you lock yourself. I skipped that part, and I wanted to do this NOW and not wait for it to ‘slowly’ develop.

Within this, I came across some interesting points in terms of how my mind works and much time, energy and effort I had to invest in my thoughts, imagination and physical behaviour.

I mean, it’s really hard to force yourself not to eat. For me food, and foods that I liked, were the highlights of my day – but unfortunately they were ‘in the way’ of my newfound ‘project’. The first few weeks/months I had immense trouble keeping up with my new ‘commitment’ and could barely focus on it – the passion was just ‘not there’.

Then, one of the first things I did was read books about anorexia which were kind of biographical in nature. I found that spending time reading this and engaging myself into these patterns as how these girls lived them, ‘motivated’ me and I literally felt ‘energized’ and re-committed to this. Interestingly, if I ran out of books to read or simply did not read for a while – the feeling would disappear and I would ‘drop’ again in my engagement towards not eating and end up feeling miserable. I would then go and read again, but after a while – it was just not giving me the ‘effect’ that I was looking for, like that resource had been exploited and depleted for me.

That wasn’t working anymore, so now I had to go and find a different point that I could use to ‘motivate’ me and ‘keep me on track’. Then I went and decided that if I *think* like someone with an Eating Disorder, that I could ‘simulate’ this and get the same result. This was quite a story, because this wasn’t happening automatically – I had to actually go and decide on what type of thought I was going to have and then formulate it specifically and then try and believe what I was thinking (which was really hard at first because it felt really unnatural and fake) – and then do this over and over again, all very deliberately and consciously. This was quite ‘exhausting’ but after many months, the thought patterns had integrated quite effectively and would just play out by themselves. I remember at some point actually getting scared, because I tried to stop the thoughts and they just wouldn’t – I kept being flooded and realised that what I had done had spun out of control. I had spent so much time and energy into a pattern of thinking, that it had actually become me, and now the it wasn’t me managing my thoughts – my thoughts had taken over and were in control – they were now managing me.


To be continued
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Tuesday, 11 December 2012

Day 137: Re-Acting Reactive Reactions

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
Day 135: Stopping the Pattern
Day 136: Walking Back in Time


When and as I see myself reacting to energy as aggravation/anger within another form of energy as fear and anxiety – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am in reactive mode within only responding to energy and not taking into consideration physical reality and so I commit myself to snap myself out of reaction mode and ground myself within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself reacting to someone expressing anger/aggravation or other forms of conflict/friction within and immediately want to place that energy as conflict/friction into a position of authority wherein I accepted and allowed this energy to determine who I am and what I do – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am the one assigning such power to energy and that it does not have to be this way and so I commit myself to give my power back to myself and establish myself within and as the physical through breath so I may assess the situation/scenario in fact and not just react to energy in fear

When and as I see myself reacting to someone else being in a reactive energy mode upon which I also enter an energetic reaction mode – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that by reacting within energy and not stopping but participating within the energy I am only ‘throwing the ball back’ wherein I / we are validating the energy game we are playing and thus support it through participation and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, ground myself as my human physical body to no longer support my energy habit or the energy habit of another as myself

When and as I see myself believe/think that people reacting to reactions is normal – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this belief is the result of brainwashing within not questioning what we as humans have accepted and allowed ourselves to become as sucking real bad at living on Earth in a way that makes sense and what effective communication really entails – and so I commit myself to investigate where I am still allowing myself to react to reactions and walk these points within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I see myself control my movement in my reality to avoid certain external reactions within fear of them igniting particular reactions within me which I want to avoid – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am merely circumventing the problem by trying to avoid getting my buttons pushed – but that does not mean that the buttons are not there and so I commit myself to investigate what it is I want to avoid and place myself in those situations to assist and support myself to practically walk through the experience which I want to avoid/fear and prove to myself that I do not have to be a slave to reactions

When and as I see myself control my movement within my reality in order to seek out particular external reactions to which I will have particular reactions which I have deemed as ‘desirable’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that such behavioural patterns indicate that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from certain points within my reality, where I believe I have to reach out to triggers/reactions to cause a particular experience inside myself so I can believe myself to be fulfilled for a moment – and so I commit myself to look at what it is that I want / find desirable and investigate self-honesty what it is that I perceive as lacking within myself causing me to reach out for external inputs to create an artificial experience for myself based on energy within writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application.
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Monday, 10 December 2012

Day 136: Walking Back in Time

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
Day 135: Stopping the Pattern

When and as I see myself access the belief that energy is ‘more than’ and ‘bigger than’ me when faced with energy within myself and another as myself – where I believe that I cannot handle/stand in the face of energy – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from energy, where I/we are in fact the creators and generators of the very energy we submit to and so I commit myself to take self-responsibility within the realization that this energy as for instance fear and anxiety is me and direct the energy as myself and ground myself within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself access the belief that I do not have the power to direct a ‘force’ such as energy and that my only two options are to either submit within going with it or manage my movement in a way to ‘avoid’ it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am reacting to energy through memory within not having had the proper tools and understanding regarding how energy works – and that I now do I have the tools and understanding and thus have no reason not to direct myself as the energy within and as me or direct myself effectively when facing another possessed by energy and so I commit myself to stop, breathe – let go of the automated pattern, ground myself within and as my human physical body and assess the information not through interpretation/reaction but common sense evaluation

When and as I see myself access the belief that I am ‘less than’ and ‘smaller than’ energy within myself and others – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that energy existent within me can only be here when I am here, and thus energy is an extension/creation/generation of myself – where I can only be ‘less than’ if I deny self-responsibility within being the creator of the energy/friction as a statement of separation and so I commit myself to embrace self-responsibility within the realisation that this energy is in fact me through my acceptance, allowance and participation within it and disband my participation within energy within myself through Breathing here

When and as I see myself access the belief that I am ‘less than’ and ‘smaller than’ energy within myself and others – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I can only be less than if I do not accept and allow myself to stand equal and one to the energy as myself and the energy within others as myself as they are all the same in nature and so I commit myself to investigate how I have come to separate myself from my own energy experiences and those within others as a form of self-education to gain greater insight into myself and how I create experiences for myself so that I can reverse the extent of separation within specificity

When and as I see myself react to friction/conflict or the possibility to friction/conflict within generating fear and anxiety and wanting to avoid the situation at all cost – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am playing out a programmed response pattern based on the past as memories where I scripted this pattern as a coping mechanism to “deal” with conflict/friction within my reality within not effectively understanding the nature of reality and who we have accepted and allowed ourselves to exist as, as energy – where even though I know have understanding of how energy / human behaviour operates – I still fall back on my base programming as ‘react within fear and anxiety – avoid situation at all cost’ as this is the pattern I have accepted and allowed myself to live for the majority of my life and has been vastly ingrained within and as myself through accumulation within continuous participation and repetition – and so I see and realise that I have spent a lot of time and energy integrating this pattern within myself to the extent that the experience/reaction manifests in less than a split of a second and totally becomes me – where the domino-reaction is taking place so fast that the moment I start perceiving conflict/friction I am already at the end of the domino-line where my entire physique has already integrated fear and anxiety and where I am ready to ‘go’ and avoid and so I see and realise that it will take equal time and effort to disintegrate this automated pattern within and as me and so I commit myself to grant myself the patience to relieve myself of this pattern of limitation within walking through the reaction pattern over and over and correction myself over and over until it is done – as well as committing myself to slow down and stick to breath to effectively catch the pattern in all its various stages and each time ‘catch it’ earlier and earlier so that I do not have to correct myself by the time the pattern has already manifested within and as me, but that I can stop/correct myself within the very moment of receiving the input/trigger and to simply ‘not go there’ and remain here within as my human physical body, within and as Breath
 
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Sunday, 9 December 2012

Day 135: Stopping the Pattern

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear

When and as I see myself receiving an aggravated reply from someone and react to this input within anxiety and fear – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am accepting and allowing myself to let energy determine who I am both within and without and so I commit myself to breathe and ground myself within and as my human physical body until the energy dissipates

When and as I see myself reacting to me experiencing fear and anxiety as a reaction to receiving an aggravated reply from someone – within wanting to go into the point of ‘it’s better not to speak’ or ‘I could have avoided this if I didn’t speak’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that ‘not speaking’ is merely circumventing the issue which is myself and my acceptance and allowance of fear and anxiety to exist within and as me and allow it to determine who I am and the direction I take and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and ground myself as my human physical body -- let go of the thought and commit myself to work through the fear and anxiety within self-responsibility

When and as I see myself believing that my reaction as ‘it is better not to speak’ from a starting point of fear is justifiable within the belief that ‘it was the only logical conclusion/step to take’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the event could have gone different ways and do not accept and allow myself to defend my self-limitation within protecting my existence as fear and anxiety and so I commit myself to stop this backchat/justifications and face my fear

When and as I see myself access the belief / thought that particular traits/characteristics of personality just ‘happened’ to me where I did not have any control or say in how I adopted these attitudes – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have made the decision as a reaction to adopt these personality traits such as being shy/timid as a coping mechanism where I deliberately integrated these points within myself to protect my existence as fear and not question who I am and the world around me and so I commit myself to not take any beliefs for granted as beliefs of personality where I think that they just ‘happened’ to me and to walk these points out into specificity so that I can see/realise/understand how I have come to be this way and let go of these patterns of limitation

When and as I see myself access the belief that ‘not speaking’ is the only possible ‘solution’ to being faced with conflict/friction – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is not a solution but a reaction based within fear and so I commit myself to disregard my backchat as ‘don’t speak’ and to ground myself within and as my human physical body and face the conflict/friction unconditionally and trust myself to be able to assess within the moment what would be the best direction to take

When and as I see myself reacting to a person being aggravated within fear and anxiety upon seeing the particular energy as conflict/friction being emanated from the person within believing/perceiving that this energy is bigger/more than me and placing myself within a position of less than/smaller as self-victimization and self-imposed inferiority – believing that I cannot handle such energy/such a situation – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am merely reacting and that it is my reaction as fear and anxiety which poses a problem to me effectively moving and directing myself and so I commit myself to stop my energetic experience of fear and anxiety towards energy of conflict/friction and ground myself within and as my human physical body and re-assess the situation from a common sense perspective

When and as I see myself reacting to conflict/friction within my environment within ‘weighing off’ my options as ‘should I not speak and avoid conflict/friction’ or ‘should I push through my fear and speak’ – where I want to opt for the fastest and shortest way out of conflict/friction – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have scripted such an escape-route pattern within and for myself as a coping mechanism to conflict/friction within my childhood where I did not understand what was going on and how to deal with both myself and the other and within my confusion decided to just ‘shut down’ as the easiest way to deal with the situation and took on the personality of ‘shy’ / ‘timid’ in order to avoid conflict/friction and thus never allowing myself to effectively face and walk through the point of conflict/friction and so I commit myself to stop this pattern of hiding and to speak when I see I can speak regardless of fear and anxiety as a statement of self-value and self-appreciation

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Monday, 13 August 2012

Day 31: Fear of Speaking - Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying something which I perceive is 'against the grain' of what another is saying or doing -- within the fear that they will 'come back at me' and that I will not know how to respond -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that within the moment of not being able to respond -- that I will be seen as small, weak and an 'embarrassment' as I am unable to 'back up' my statement and within that be seen as 'invalid' -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of being reduced to 'nothing'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to respond to a person's reply -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I find myself unable to formulate or come up with a response that this means that what I had to say is invalid and that this somehow means that my entire beingness/existence is invalidated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be seen as an embarrassment within the moment that I find myself unable to formulate a reply -- and within this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am the one deciding to be an embarrassment for myself because I am the one who decided and put in place the conditions which make something/someone an 'embarrassment' in my eyes -- and so I've made myself an embarrassment to myself by my own accord

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it has never been ‘about the other’ and ‘how the other might see me’ as I have only ever projected my own beliefs/ideas/fears/perceptions/opinions upon myself within any given circumstance and so it is all about me and how I have to deconstruct my own thought / belief patterns and purify my vocabulary to be able to free myself from my own prison as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘not being able to respond’ / ‘substantiate your claim’ as ‘being weak’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a chain between ‘not being able to respond’ / ‘substantiating one’s claim’, the point of ‘weakness’ and ‘embarrassment’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust and rely on the past as memories to direct me and tell me what to do and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have submitted myself to believe that the past is bound to be repeated and that I am unable to change myself and my patterns

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to re-create the same memories over and over again through relying on the past as memories for my direction instead of me being here as breath directing myself within every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection between ‘not being able to respond to someone’ and ‘weakness/embarrassment’ within and through memory where as a small child someone got really angry at me for something I did/said where I went into a complete mode of petrification and did not know how to respond to what was being said and where I peed my pants because of the amount of fear I was experiencing and not knowing how to deal with the situation

Will walk the specific memory which opened up within my next blog