Day 84: Vengeance is Mine

This blog is related to:
Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie
Day 78: Self-Rejection
Day 79: What Have I Done?
Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2
Day 83: Sweet! I can get Angry now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see someone make a mistake -- see this as a perfect opportunity to make them feel bad for what they did -- even though I see and realise that what they have done is not 'bad', but where I see the other take the point personal which means that if I make a big deal out of it they will feel even worse about it -- from the starting point of wanting to get back at them for all the times that I felt bad when a big deal was made about me making a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make a big deal out of someone else's mistake -- not because it would be best for all -- but because I want to experience personal revenge

I forgive myself that I have acceped and allowed myself to want to make a big deal and get angry when seeing another having made a mistake and seeing that they are talking it personal -- where instead of showing that they do not have to take it personal, I will want to go and 'throw salt into their wound' just to satisfy my vengefulness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I see someone having made a mistake and being distressed about it -- to want to want use this as an opportunity to get angry for all the times where the other had gotten angry at me and where I felt bad -- so they could feel as bad as I had felt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have want to get angry and lash out at my partner for the sake of wanting to make him feel bad for the mistake he made, from the starting point of feeling like I was 'wronged' in the past and wanting to wrong them back

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that getting back at someone through being angry at them for having made a mistake is not supportive at all but will only perpetuate the cycle of getting angry at each other and self when a mistake was made, where instead of looking at a practical correction, a 'big deal' is made where the point of feeling bad as self-punishment received emphasis over self-correction which then only leads to more mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I see someone having made a mistake, go into a mode of "Hmm, now I can finally get back at them" where instead of looking at what would be supportive for the other in terms of dealing with self-judgment in having made a mistake -- go and use the point of self-judgment and try and make it worse


When and as I see someone make a mistake and see this as a perfect opportunity to make them feel bad for what they did -- even though I see and realise that what they have done is not 'bad' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am wanting to get back at them for all the times that I felt bad when a big deal was made about me making a mistake, where I am just making them feel like how I felt previously, which is not a solution at all. And so I commit myself to snap myself out of this, breathe, be here, ground myself as my human physical body and let go

When and as I see myself wanting to make a big deal out of other people's mistakes -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am trying to exert vengefulness for the sake of doing unto another as had been done unto me -- where I want to make them feel bad as I had felt bad so that I can feel better about myself -- and so I commit myself to stop right then and there and to investigate the nature of my experience so I can sort out this nastiness and stop the cycle of abuse

When and as I see another having made a mistake and take it person, and see myself go into wanting to make a big deal about / get angry -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am only attempting to throw 'salt in their wound' and make them feel worse -- and so I commit myself to stop right then and there and move myself to instead see how I can assist and support the person within walking through the point of taking the mistake personal

When and as I see another make a mistake and within that see myself wanting to abuse this opportunity to get angry and make them feel bad -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am wanting to make them feel bad because I feel like I have been 'wronged' in the past -- and so I commit myself to stop right then and there and instead look / investigate the nature of my experience as "I have been wronged" and sort it out within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see another having made a mistake and feeling bad about it, and see myself wanting to use this as an opportunity to get angry to make them feel worse -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this is not supportive as I am placing the emphasis on punishment as making someone feel bad about themselves instead of consequence and self-correction where I walk the person through the mistake and the consequence which resulted from it within simplistically showing that this happens when you do that so that the person can realise what was mis-taken, walk through the consequence and learn from this as to not make the same mistake again

When and as I see another having made a mistake and have thoughts in the line of "Hmm now I can finally get back at them" -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have completely side-tracked off the point where I am making the point about personal gratification within wanting to get revenge -- and so instead I commit myself to stop the thoughts/backchat and investigate what these reveal about the nature of myself and re-align myself within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

Related articles

• Day 78: Self-Rejection
• Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2
• Day 83: Sweet! I can get Angry now
• Day 58: Reasoning as Self-Sabotage
• Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie

Day 83: Sweet! I can get Angry now

This blog is related to:

Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie
Day 78: Self-Rejection
Day 79: What Have I Done?
Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2

A few days ago Gian went to turn in our tablet because it wasn’t charging anymore. He took out the sim-card because it still had internet data on it that we could use on the farm while the tablet was getting fixed.

Then later, when I asked where the sim was, he couldn’t find it – he’d lost it.

When I realised that he had made a mistake, I saw it was no big deal. He’d lost the sim, we’d get a new one and transfer the data, and then he won’t make the mistake again. But then there was this other side, which was going “Sweet, now I can get all angry at him and make a big deal about it for all those times when he’s gotten mad at me for making a mistake”. But then I looked at the thought and saw that this just made no sense at all, I’d rather not make a big deal out of it, and just sort it out as that’s what I would like for myself – so that I don’t create a situation of ‘fear of making mistakes’ – but rather just walk through the consequence of having to go to town and paying for a new sim and transfer and then that’s a nice reminder to not lose simcards again lol.

When we were talking about what we were going to blog about, I shared with him what I wrote here, and then I saw how it was actually the exact same point I wrote about in Day 76, Day 77, Day 78, Day 79 and Day 80 – where I worked on the point of ‘doing unto another as has been done unto you’ – where in this case, I wanted to get angry – not because I was angry – but because I could get angry, where I reasoned that I could now get angry just so I could get back at Gian for all the times he’s gotten angry, where I perceived it as completely unnecessary and him just making a big deal out of it just for the sake of making a big deal out of it. So now that I saw that he’d lost the sim, and was a bit distressed about the thing – my mind went “Hmm, perfect moment to make a big deal where he can take it nice and personal”.

It was cool to just disregard the thoughts, because they were obviously stupid – and cool to see how this point of ‘getting back’ at people pops up in different ways with different faces.

So here specifically the points of ‘getting back’ stood out, and then the point where I wanted him to take it ‘nice and personal’ – which then reflects back to me that I still blame him for me having taken things personal in the past where he’d gotten angry at me for making mistakes.

Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements to Follow…

Related articles

• Day 20: Angry People - Anger and Me - Part 5
• Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2
• Day 16: Anger and Me - Introduction
• Day 18: Angry at the World - Anger and Me - Part 3
• Day 29: Fear of Speaking - Part 1
• Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
• Day 59: What are you Laughing at?
• Day 51: Shocking Sounds
• Day 114: The Dream Character Self Forgiveness Statements

Day 56: Fearing Myself

This blog is a continuation to:

Day 51: Shocking Sounds
Day 52: Prelude – Don’t take anything for Granted
Day 53: I Am Robot
Day 54: Reading Sounds

Day 55: Sounds as Reference

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative energy charge to the sound of a door opening and closing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed an additional meaning to the sound of a door opening and closing – where other than this sound meaning that a door has opened and closed – I attached the meaning of ‘opportunity for conflict’ unto the sound and created a relationship connected between the sound and this meaning as an idea/belief inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached an emotion experience as energy as fear and anxiety to the sound of a door opening and closing – where I believed within myself that the sound of a door opening and closing is a ‘bad omen’ and token for conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have jumped inside myself when I would sit at home and hear the door open and close – where I would ‘kickstart’ fear and anxiety within myself and think “Oh oh, I hope it’s not dad”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had some sort of advantage within reacting within fear and anxiety to the sound of the front door opening and closing

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realised that I was in no way having an ‘advantage’ over the situation within being in fear and anxiety, as all I was doing was putting myself under strain without influencing/affecting the situation in anyway whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would hear the door open and close downstairs and be able to discern that it was my father who came home – have placed myself into ‘lockdown’ within fear and anxiety and try to remain in my room in an attempt to avoid my father and within that avoid conflict

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realised that if my father was out for conflict then it was going to happen no matter if I was going to stay in my room or not so there was no point in modifying my behaviour for the sake of ‘what if’ – where just because of this ‘what if’ I place myself on lockdown and confine myself to a stressful experience which in no way assists or supports me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would hear loud noises coming from downstairs, slowly and quietly work my way to the staircase outside of my bedroom door, and try and identify what they are talking about so I can see whether I am being mentioned or not so that I know if I have to go into hiding or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I could hear loud noises coming from downstairs and trying to ‘hear-in’ on what is going on, have believed that if I can find out what they are arguing about that I can do something to change/fix the situation for myself in terms of minimalizing conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would hear loud noises coming from downstairs and go sit on the staircase to find out what they are arguing about – have gone into massive fear and petrification where I breathe very shallowly just in case they can hear me breathe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would be listening in to what my parents were arguing about downstairs and would hear my name – to start crying almost instantaneously and think “Oh no, not again” and go hide in my bed/bathroom next to my room in the hope that I would be able to avoid conflict this way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would hear my father’s footsteps on the stairs have increased my levels of anxiety and fear within anticipating him coming to my room and stirring up conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created strenuous situations for myself – where every day I would place myself in a state of fear and anxiety within the fear of ‘what if’ – where yes from time to time my father would be coming up to my room and lash out on me / us – but where most of the time this wasn’t the case – and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the worst part about fearing conflict as the fear itself as all the days and nights spent in fear and anxiety which combined add to more distress and unpleasantness than the actual conflict occasions and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the fear of conflict was not me fearing my father but fearing how I would experience myself within facing my father and thus I was actually fearing myself as I was the one generating and creating the various experiences as fear, anxiety and petrification and so the point was never to ‘avoid the conflict’ but to come to a point where I can manage myself as my inner experiences as this is what I really feared


When and as I see myself going into a negative energy charge upon hearing the sound of a door opening and closing within the belief that this sound implies ‘a door to conflict’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am reacting within a programmed response pattern based on the past as memory and that this implication/meaning is a make-belief I created myself and so I commit myself to breathe, be here and let go of the energetic charge experience

When and as I see myself reacting within an emotional experience of fear and anxiety to the sound of a door opening and closing – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am not here but acting within and as memory and thus I commit myself to stop my participation within fear and anxiety and ground myself here as my physical body within and as breath

When and as I see myself reacting to the sound of people arguing / conflict and wanting to find out whether I am being mentioned or not – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the conversation/argument is either about me or it is not and I will find out if I am involved and that there is no point being stressed out ‘just in case’ and so I commit myself to stop participating in the fear of ‘what if’ and wanting to gain a sense of control within wanting to find out whether I am being mentioned – but just be here within and as breath and unconditionally let go of the fear and trust myself to deal with the situation if necessary

When and as I see myself minimalizing my breath when hearing conflict within the fear that someone might notice me and re-direct their conflict/anger towards me – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that within holding my breath/breathing shallowly I am only keeping myself as fear in place and in no way actually supporting myself – and so I commit myself to snap out of my fear and allow myself to breathe unconditionally and trust myself to deal with the situation if it were to come my way

When and as I see myself wanting to cry/break down within hearing my name mentioned within conflict – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is no point within becoming all emotional within knowing that the conflict is somehow related to me – as I know that I will just feel shitty and depressed with myself if I continue participating within this breakdown – and so I commit myself to breathe be here and trust myself to deal with the situation / direct myself when the point opens up

When and as I see myself perceiving conflict as something ‘out there’ which ‘happens to me, done unto me by another’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the main point/issue at hand is the conflict I experience inside myself as fear and anxiety and so When and as I see myself reacting in fear to conflict within wanting to avoid conflict – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that what I am trying to avoid is my own inner experience as how I believe I will experience myself and thus I commit myself to work on myself as fear and anxiety so that I no longer compromise myself and my living within fear of conflict

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• Interdimensional-Physical Relationships - Part 2: DAY 132
• Day 41: What if I become Useless?
• Day 39: What if something's Wrong with Me?
• Day 28: Ticks and Tick Bite Fever - Part 3