Day 213: Arguments of Convenience

This blog is in continuation to: 
Day 211: Don't Be So Ridiculous!
Day 212: Time is Money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of ridiculousness and futility whenever I am doing something which could be perceived/labelled as 'non-productive' within a monetary sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an experience of guilt whenever I am doing something / participating within something which could be perceived as 'non-productive' within a monetary sense and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must at all times be productive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have turned the concept of 'unproductivity' into an excuse -- where I have accepted and allowed myself to bring it up as a reason as to why doing something or investigating a point which is in relation to developing self-intimacy and self-understanding is not 'what I should do now' and manipulate myself into skipping / postponing the activity under the guise that 'it's not productive', while I am merely just resisting the point of exploring and developing self-intimacy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within not doing things which require me to work on myself as a being, where I use the reason / excuse that 'it is not productive' to make myself feel 'okay' with not doing it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if I don't take the time out for myself to work on myself then I cannot expect others to do the same and thus cannot expect this world to change any time soon -- as the very system of 'productivity' and 'infinite economic growth' is merely the result/outcome/consequence of our human nature which we accepted and allowed collectively and thus unless we do something about our nature, the system will remain the same as an equal and one reflection of who we are -- and thus as long as I allow myself to postpone self-change I am postponing the change of the system and will always find myself in a 'productivity trap'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to downplay the importance of self-investigation and self-exploration within the belief that it 'doesn't help anyone else' -- not seeing and realising that change starts with self and that if no-one takes out the time to change themselves we will always believe that we are unable to change and remain victims of our own stupidity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my 'productivity' argument at times when I don't want to do a point of self-intimacy / working on myself and then at other times use the 'I need time for myself' argument when I don't feel like doing something which could be categorized as 'productive'-- where these arguments conveniently pop up according to what I want to do instead of what needs to be done / what would be best for all -- where I allow energy to determine the 'reasoning applicable in the moment' to manipulate my way into always 'doing what I want' instead of using practical common sense within 'doing what needs to be done', where my preferences only come secondary

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swing from one side to the other where I will either focus too much on productivity and too little on self-development, or too much on self-development and too little of productivity -- where I do not allow myself to line out a practical balance because obviously both points require to be addressed

Related articles

• Day 212: Time is Money
• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 345 - Prioritizing my Time.
• Day 203: My Head is like a Broken Record
• Day 357 - Writing about who I am within Writing Part 2
• Day 353 - Less Play more Time, then where is my time.

Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2

Within the book where I made my drawings / sketches – I would also start keeping a form of diary.

Here, I would write everyday about how I felt, what I did and how I did in terms of keeping up with particular goals. I would set myself particular goals, whether it was in the form of calories, weight or exercise. Depending on how I did – my writing would either be ‘happy’ and ‘positive’ if I had kept up with my goal or did ‘better’ – and would be ‘negative’ and literally me insulting myself, if things hadn’t gone according to plan. When I was busy managing my thoughts (which I wrote about in Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thoughts - Part 1) I would also ‘practise’ insulting myself where I would swear at myself if I fucked up – I had a really hard time with that one, and it felt completely stupid, awkward and fake to be calling myself a ‘stupid bitch’ for instance. I never would previously insult or swear at myself so this point I transferred to writing, where I would practice ‘bashing’ myself. It was awkward at first, but I got better at it. The writing was always more to induce some kind of emotional response inside myself – where I used writing and words to ‘work myself up’ to get to a particular emotional state like being very sad or very angry.

After a while I would also start keeping diagrams and graphs in terms of how my weight was progressing over time – where I would have one chart/graph in terms of how I would like things to go and another one showing how things actually were moving (which was of course a different story).

So I would write, write, write – which was like me ‘winding myself up’ like some mechanical doll – then I’d have achieved a particular ‘state of mind’ which I would use to manipulate myself to be in a ‘bad spot’ from which I would then ‘push’ myself out into the opposite direction in terms of re-committing and motivating myself to a point of ‘I’m gonna do this’ and ‘I’m going to get there’.

This is where I saw that emotions are not always reactions as things that just ‘happen’, but is something that one can actually create and generate and use to influence oneself in one way or another. And within this also, how writing can be used to wire yourself up in a particular way and re-enforce particular patterns (like judging / bashing myself).

So now I already had quite a package deal for myself to influence my behaviour and attitude through writing, thinking, drawing, reading and watching. It was really quite the undertaking and required my constant engagement in either ways to keep myself going. It was literally a full-time job where any moment of non-participation in any of these points would immediately show/reflect in how I was doing in terms of sticking to my plan – where there would be drop in motivation and commitment.

This was quite an insightful experience, because I had never worked with myself in this way in terms of my thoughts, emotions and writing – and discovered quite a bit in terms of how these things can be used as tools to ‘change’ yourself. What I did not realise at that point yet, were the implicit considerations. I did for instance not look at how my ‘normal’ and what felt to me ‘natural’ thoughts, emotions and feelings were also constantly influencing me and controlling my behaviour. I simply accepted them ‘as me’ and did not consider to use for instance writing to change those points as well.

So when I came to the point of finding Desteni and watching Jack and Veno and other beings do interviews through the Portal on Thoughts, Feeling & Emotions and Writing – I immediately jumped the boat because I had experienced first hand how these points can be manipulated and used to get a particular result. The only thing that required to change was my starting-point as I had used these points against myself where I had accepted my limited nature and then used ‘what I got’ as ‘limitation’ to try and make things work for me in terms of entertaining myself within my Life and achieving a sense of ‘getting somewhere’ within developing an Eating Disorder (and in essence, ‘specialising’ / ‘extensifiying’ my limitation lol) – instead of looking at who and what I had accepted and allowed myself to become as self-limitation (eg. I cannot be passionate, I cannot have a sense of purpose, I cannot commit myself) and using writing to assist and support myself through these limitations within changing my Thoughts, Feeling and Emotions – as it was these patterns that I was participating within that were keeping myself locked and hindered me from embracing and becoming actual change.

Related articles

• Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder - Part 1
• Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
• Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
• Day 155: Introduction - Starving Myself
• Day 153: Body - Marionette of the Mind

Day 70: Fear of Others as Myself

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 24: Life as a CharActor
Day 65: Fear of Sharing 

In my previously blog, I started writing out Self Forgiveness, because I had a particular experience and couldn’t really place it – and so wanted to just to some Self Forgiveness to see where it would take me. This blog is a continuation, where the point afterwards opened up.

A memory popped up yesterday after writing my blog, well, not a memory per se but more of a conglomeration of memories which all focused on the same point. I was basically looking at all the friendships I’ve had during my life and how I never really ‘tied’ myself with these people. Whenever something would get ‘off’ or ‘ugly’ in our friendships, I’d just back off and that was it. I didn’t like how things were going so I would stop talking to them, going out with them and then after a while they’d just be strangers to me. It wasn’t ‘immediate’ meaning, I would still talk to them but less and less and I would stop going out with them to do stuff and then one day these things would then accumulate to us no longer being friends.

And I can remember a lot of the moments with specific friends where they were doing something / acting in a particular way , showing a side of themselves that they’d never shown before and I would go “Woah, what the hell is this?” and within that moment, immediately make the decision to ‘back off’ like “Okay, I’m done here” and that was that. I also never created any emotional bonds with any of the people/friends I hung out with. When we’d be together and do stuff we’d have fun but when I was not with them I couldn’t care less about them. And if after ‘breaking up’ they would come around and be all emotional about us not being friends anymore I’d just kind of shrug my shoulders and move on. During my friendships I would also not really bother to do anything to ‘maintain’ our friendships. If they didn’t call me or ask me to do stuff, then it wouldn’t happen. I saw a lot of my friends being very engaged in their friendships and doing things together and always calling / sharing stuff and I thought it was too much of a hassle. I liked being by myself and would for instance rather read a book at home then go out with friends, I liked my ‘me ‘ time lol.

All throughout my life I kind of jumped from one friendship to another, where each time when a nasty side was revealed, I backed off and found someone else, until they showed a nasty side, and then I would jump again. If I look at my friendships/relationships throughout my life, I never had a real, intimate, deep, long lasting relationship with anyone.

In a way it was cool in terms that I wasn’t “tied” to anyone and have always been able to move on quite fine without having to deal with any emotional garbage, yet at the same time I now also see it as a pity because I never really developed any intimate relationships which could have actually been cool.

If I look at it now, even the points where the friends would show a ‘nasty’ side or something I didn’t like – I still see it as reflecting back to the intimacy point, where instead of talking to them and sorting the point out, I rather did nothing and just remove myself, because I saw this point of opening up about whatever I saw, as a point of intimacy, and I just didn’t want to go there. It’s almost like, any point where any of my relationships would become ‘real’ – where a point opens up such as nastiness, if I were to address this point, then I would be admitting to myself that my relationship with this person is real, and within that – that the person is real! And the moment the person is real, in terms of being just like me – that’s some serious shit. Because if my friend is ‘real’ just like me, and goes through stuff just like me, then this implies a point of responsibility to be there for them. And then the question arises: Can I do that? Do I even want to do that? And so far, this answer has always been No, where I don’t want to address a point which would require addressing if I were to remain their friend, and where I don’t want to open myself up because of fear and lack of confidence and where I don’t want to get intimate with people because I fear I will get ‘sucked in’ – where this “sucked in” is just my interpretation of seeing that point of responsibility and not wanting to commit myself to develop an actual relationship with another as myself.

To be continued...

Related articles

• Day 69: Fear of Sharing - Part 2
• Day 66: Valuing my Inner Space
• Day 68: My Mind, My Saviour
• Day 64: Holding on to Myself
• How Thoughts Activate Personalities - Part 1: DAY 123
• Character Resonance Evolution - Part 2: DAY 126
• Trust your Inner Voice - Part 2: DAY 118

Day 28: Ticks and Tick Bite Fever – Part 3

When and as I hear horror stories / see scary movie scenes and react to them within fear – I stop and I breathe – I commit myself to investigate why I am allowing myself to be imprinted with fear and untangle these points within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I am faced with points of potential ‘danger’ and react within fear – I stop and I breathe – I look at what it is that I can do practically, as a common sense point of prevention as to not create any unnecessary consequence for myself, apply these points and then let go of the point of danger --- as I have seen/realised/understood/walked the point that pre-occupying oneself with fear is only worsening/limiting the situation for self and does not have any practical contribution to the problem – and so I let go, breathe and walk Here, in every moment of breath

When and as I see myself reaching for fear as a protection mechanism – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that reaching out to an experience of fear is like locking yourself up in your personal jail in the hope that nothing will happen to you / that you’re safe from the ‘outside world’ – but now within the fear of something happening, you’ve already trapped yourself – and so your own fear is really your own worst enemy – and thus I commit myself to investigate all patterns where I tend to reach for fear as a protection mechanism, write it out , let go and correct myself

When and as I see myself changing/altering my behaviour towards something or someone in my environment after having received a ‘new piece of information’ – I stop and I breathe – I see/realise/understand that I now have created a new relationship / new character in relation to the thing/being where I added my own layer/dimension– and started participating with them/it through this layer instead of participating with them actually, direct – and thus I commit myself to investigate my relationship with all beings, people, objects and remove all the illusionary layers and characters which I have created throughout my life based on memory as stored information – so I can finally allow myself to participate within this physical world for real, and let go of my own ‘personal/customized’ “version” of reality – which was never real

When and as I see myself reacting within fear when having to make a decision – I stop and I breathe – I look at all the points within common sense and make a decision within the moment – and if I find myself unable to consider all points effectively because of fear possession, I get someone else involved to cross-reference the information to make sure that I do not make stupid decisions, and in fact consider all the points/dimensions involved

I commit myself to not make my Life on Earth more unpleasant than it has to be – by committing myself to stop all Back Chat and remove all Characters which I’ve created/accumulated over the years – so I may finally be here, as this physical reality and find out how things work for real

Finding my Desteni - How I was Able to Hear the Desteni Message

I remember the day that I first got into contact with Desteni.

I was sitting in my sister’s room, browsing around on her laptop. I was bored, and decided to look for some videos on YouTube. At that time, my brother, sister and I were very much into spirituality and conspiracy theories (sister to a lesser extent), and at that time specifically, we were into “orgone energy”. So I looked around for some orgone energy videos (we had been making some orgone pyramids) to see if I could find some ‘new’ info that I hadn’t found before, get some more ‘excitement’ out of it.

As I was watching one of the orgone videos on YouTube, I noticed a peculiar thumbnail on the right side by the featured videos. I clicked on it and started watching the video. I thought the whole ‘breathing in and out’ at the start of the video was a bit weird, but I continued watching.

As the person was talking through the video I found that he was speaking a bit weird. And I mean, Wilhelm Reich was supposed to be dead, so how was he going to be giving an interview on YouTube – even better – an interview on YouTube as a 14 year old boy.

I thought, “Man, poor child, he must have been forced by his parents to memorize this script and then say it out loud to a camera for it to be uploaded on YouTube”. But then, as the video went on, I realised that the way the person in the video was speaking, behaving – was just ‘too natural’ to match my idea of some abused teenager who was forced to memorize a ten minute script.

I was quite intrigued with the video and wanted to find out more, so I went to check out his YouTube channel. There I saw that the channel had more than 500 videos uploaded, which in my eyes confirmed that this could not have been a ‘force case’. I also went to check out the website at the end of the video and I couldn’t find anything related to money or making money out of the videos they were doing. I couldn’t grasp why someone would be faking 500 videos for no money so I decided that either this person’s a complete nutcase – or must be very passionate and driven about something (and 500+ videos, that’s something very admiring in terms of someone’s dedication).

I checked out some more videos and they all made sense to me.

I then also visited the forum and found out the person in the video was a 24 year old female (Oopsie!), I introduced myself and continued absorbing all the videos and articles.

The videos about the Mind Consciousness System and how thoughts and images feed and energize your mind made a lot of sense to me. You see, a few months, maybe a year, before I got all into spirituality, I basically ‘made’ myself be somewhat ‘anorexic’. Throughout my life I had always been fascinated by anorexic girls and how they had the willpower to abstain from food (I mean, I LOVE FOOD). Then the one day, I was watching a documentary on tv about some anorexic girls, which give a pretty good picture of their thought patterns, as those became apparent during the interviews with them. So then I thought, “Hey, instead of anorexia “happening” to me like a “disease”, I could just manage my thoughts, and deliberately think the way they do, and manage it that way!”. This might sound very weird, but I was very bored with my life at that time, and I was looking for a ‘goal’, something to achieve, a ‘purpose’ to give my life direction. So then, that’s what I did.

I found it very exciting to play this ‘secret game’, always having to make sure my family wouldn’t take notice in this change of “lifestyle” that I had adopted. I started losing a lot of weight and getting a lot of compliments from the people around me. I absolutely loved it.

At times when I was down I would take my diary and write out my “managed thoughts”, to kind of ‘force them’ into reality – and surprisingly it worked! I found that writing was very effective in terms of re-enforcing the behaviour that I was looking for within myself. I’d also flip through fashion magazines, keep a scrap book where I kept the best model pictures – and when I was really having a ‘dip’ or a bad day in terms of ‘not eating food’, I’d take one of the images and re-draw them in my diary. I got so good at constantly forcing myself to think about losing weight and calories and exercising  -- that it just became an automated part of me and I didn’t have to ‘deliberately’ do it anymore – it had just become me.

So when I came to the point where I was like “Fuck, this is getting out of hand (I was very drowsy, feeling nauseas, sometimes feeling like I was about the faint), I’ve got to stop this.” I tried, but then I noticed how this whole new behaviour had just “taken over” and I had lost control. The thoughts, the pictures in my head – they just kept coming!

I eventually got over it, but it took a whole long while to get there.

So when I was watching the Desteni videos on how you program yourself with your thoughts, how you ‘motivate’ your mind with pictures = I knew that the information that the being in the video was sharing was true, because I had experienced (and enforced it) first hand.

So I just knew that Desteni was the real shit, and as I went along with the new videos it just kept on being re-confirmed. I also knew the power writing had, so I started to use it for the first time to actually assist myself (instead of breaking myself down).

Since then, I’ve been able to live a lot more satisfying life. Desteni teaches you how to take control over your own inner-world, teaches you to appreciate yourself and stand for something real. I did not have to look for a ‘goal’ or a ‘purpose’ anymore, it was right here – it was Desteni.