Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection 
Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia

Day 167: The Big Fall 

Day 168: Always Just out of Reach

I was looking some more at the point of when I stopped as described in Day 167: The Big Fall -- where I caved in and surrender myself to stuffing myself and after that day 'never looked back' so to speak.

What's interesting within this point is how I always told myself and portrayed this event to myself and others as 'the day I decided to stop'. And this is not actually a correct description of what happened.

What essentially happened was that I gave up, I couldn't do it any longer - I failed. But instead of looking at it that way, I made it seem like I gave up on it, because that made me look like a 'stronger' person. It's like dumping someone before they dump you so you're not seen as the weak one. So that's kind of what happened there.

I mean if I could have - I would have continued. And like I mentioned before, I tried from time to time but the moments were short-lived as I would soon give up again and then tell myself 'Nah, that's not interesting / worth it anymore', where I was the one turning my back on ED while I actually experienced it the other way around. But it was easier to tell myself that it was 'my decision' and to take on an attitude of 'I'm over you' so I didn't have to face the sense of failure and giving up on myself that I experienced.

So me 'turning my back' on participating within an Eating Disorder had been a point of spitefulness instead of letting go and actually changing. And so within that, the Eating Disorder still 'won' because I am still carrying that sense of failure and being without direction within my life, where it's still luring over my shoulder from the shadows, reminding me of what I wasn't able to do.

 

Related articles

• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 168: Always Just out of Reach
• Day 279: Anorexia and Desteni
• Day 167: The Big Fall
• Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
• Day 278: Binge, Bulimia and Desteni

Day 168: Always Just out of Reach

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection 
Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia

Day 167: The Big Fall

 

At some point during my ED period – I came to a point where I was quite satisfied with my weight and how I looked.

We had this one door in our house by the kitchen which had a big dark glass piece in it, and so was kind of half like a mirror. I remember standing in front of it the one day and going ‘Woah, this is it’.

And then I smiled.

And as I stared at my reflection I got sad – really sad.

It was a point of ‘now what’. I had worked myself all the way to this point and got what I wanted and now what. I thought I would be happy, which I had been for a moment – but all in all, my life still sucked – nothing had really changed. My body had changed, my picture presentation had changed but so what? It’s not really anything substantial in terms of having an actual change in your life, it’s one dimension, it’s just one tiny spec.

For all this time I had focussed on only this one point that I had not looked at any other dimension/part of my life and the world I lived in. And now that that one point was ‘satisfied’ so to speak, it fell away – and my whole world came crashing down on me.

Fuck. I was still not happy, I still did not have a life that I could go ‘yes, this is what I want, this is what I am satisfied with’. It felt like it had all been for nothing.

So then I did an interesting thing. I was quite emotional so then I went through a little binging patch and within that ‘set myself back’, distancing myself from my goal once more.

You see, the whole Eating Disorder only works as long as what you are trying to achieve is ‘out there’, as long as it’s always that one step, that one corner away – always just outside of your reach. Because the moment you are there and you got what you want, you realise it’s not really what you wanted and you’re still fucked. It’s whole design is based on unattainability. If you set a goal that is reachable, then you’re screwed because you’re going to get to a point that you’re done and now you have to go do something else with your life.

I mean, it’s such a clever game.

Now that I had set myself back, I had something to focus and obsess about once more, and this time I set the bar higher and further. It’s like you literally plunge and drown yourself into this one little dimension of your life, as if that is what it’s all about – so that you have the perfect excuse not to look at any other part of your life, let alone the world! Because as long as you’re still changing this one point as attaining the ultimate weight/image – well, you can’t really move on to the next point now can you?

So then you end up with this whole dynamic of pushing yourself, and driving yourself to get forward – and then the moment you get close you deliberately sabotage yourself so that you get setback and can continue playing this sick little game.

It’s such a trap, being locked up in your own little demon dimension inside your mind, repeating the same point over and over and over again.

Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from passion and purpose in Life – where I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must go and find something outside of myself that I can add / attach to me, to be able to get a purpose and passion in Life, instead of seeing and realising that the drive as passion, as a purpose comes from within me, and is a matter of making a decision within myself – rather than finding the ‘one thing’ that will trigger an experience of purpose/passion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have looked/sought for passion and purpose as an energetic experience one can attain, instead of seeing and realising that passion and purpose does not exist within the realm of ‘experience’ but is a decision one makes within oneself, to be engaged, to be driven and that no-one or nothing can ‘give’ this to self, only self can gift passion and purpose to self

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have seen myself as incapable of passion and purpose, where I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘this is not for me’, that ‘passion and purpose is for other people’ – not seeing and realising that I had interpreted passion and purpose almost as if it was a genetic characteristic which allowed some people to experience themselves this way, while others were ‘less lucky’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘look out there’ to find something to be passionate and purposeful about – instead of looking at what is here as myself, to be passionate and purposeful about myself as a being as who I am, and to get to know myself passionately, intimately so that I may support myself in becoming the best possible version of myself and to within that, prepare the way to stand/live as an example so that we may change the world to become the best possible version it can be

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to embrace passion and purpose as myself, where I interpreted and perceived passion and purpose to be an experience outside of myself – instead of seeing and realising that passion and purpose are not experiences, but applications and so I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have considered applying passion and purpose in my life as myself, as a living expression – as a statement of who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have mistaken obsession with passion and purpose – where I believed that the nature of obsession as being part of one’s every day moment as always being there, present – was what passion and purpose is about – not seeing and realising that obsession is about being controlled while passion and purpose is about being in control as being the directive principle in one’s life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, within the belief that I am incapable of passion and purpose, have gone into the complete opposite polarity point as obsession, where I put myself in a position of constant and continuous mind pre-occupation, and believed this to be passion and purpose, while all I was doing was further confirm and integrate the belief that I am incapable of self-movement, as the nature of obsession being one of extreme limitation and rigidity