Day 144: Moving Beyond Self

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?
Day 142: Respecting Beliefs
Day 143: Busted! 

When and as I see myself access a negative energy connotation charge to the point of exploring things and trying out new points within anticipating negative feedback – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am basing future expectation on the past as memories where I accepted and allowed myself to condition myself and anticipate particular responses through repetition and so I commit myself to through repetition within application, moment by moment, let go of these connections, breathe be here, and express

When and as I see myself taking something personal as a reaction to someone being angry where I broke something – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have interpreted the situation as a personal attach as a defect in ‘who I am’ and immediately close off and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, take a step back and look at what was said and who I was in the moment of my actions and use this opportunity to specify and fine-tune my application

When and as I see myself react when someone gets angry after I have broken something within exploring within taking it personal – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I accepted and allowed myself to only take one dimension into consideration and did not look at what implications/consequence my actions could have for others and so I commit myself to review the event within self-honesty and see how I could have done things differently and integrate these points into my self-application immediately

When and as I see myself react to someone being angry after I broke something within exploring within taking it personal and only being concerned with my experience of having taken it personal – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that thoughts concerning how sad I feel for myself indicate that I am only concerned with myself and am not allowing myself to place myself in the shoes of another to see / understand how and where the person is coming from and so I commit myself to take into consideration all participants and place myself in the shoes of others and within that specify and expand my application within considering others as myself and see how I can improve myself rather than indulging in experience of energy as mind

When and as I see myself participate within thoughts/energies/moods/feelings and emotions as a reaction towards someone being angry at me for having broken something – where these are in the nature of self-pity and self-concern only – not looking at all at what actually happened and whether or not my actions and behaviour were in a way that in fact supported what is Best for All Life – and how I could have done things better and so I commit myself to stop such thoughts, feelings and emotions and look at what it is that I am protecting as the way I behaved and see where I missed a point and specify my self-application

When and as I see myself take things personal as a reaction to someone being angry after I broke something within exploring/playing and completely go into the experience and defend within myself how I was ‘right’ in what I did – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that within justifying/defending myself I am indicating to myself that I am not standing on solid ground – as if I were clear and certain, I would not waste time defending/justifying what I did and so I commit myself to stop defending and look at where I could have done things differently and integrate this immediately to prevent such mistakes from occurring again

 

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• Day 138: Move or Be Moved
• Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
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Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity 
 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a negative energy connotation charge to the point of exploring things and trying out new points within anticipating negative feedback from others based on past memories where I enjoyed playing around on the pc and try out new things where sometimes I would mess up the pc as a result of my playing around where my father would react negatively to finding out that something was up with the pc and lash out on me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personal each time my father would get angry for me screwing up the pc during my ‘playtime’, where I believed that his reaction reflected something about me personally as a defect in ‘who I am’ where I believed that the reaction was an attack on ‘who I am’ as my very beingness and expression – where I only took into consideration the impact of the negative feedback within myself as feeling bad and not look at anything else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only have taken ‘my part’ into consideration within scenarios where I played around on the pc, it would stop functioning properly and then my father would get angry at me and I would take it personally – wherein I did not take into consideration that we have only one pc in the house that everybody uses, where if this pc gets compromised, then this affects not just me but everyone in the household that likes to or requires to work on the pc

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have interpreted my father’s reaction within self-interest only, where I immediately assumed that it was ‘just about me’, and not taking into consideration that other people also want / have to use the pc and that we currently live in a world where we are forced to come by with limited means and have to be careful how we spend our money and have to slave our days away to make by for ourselves and our family where I did not take into consideration that my father lives a very stressful life having to provide for the family and where something breaking in the pc and having to be fixed/replaced might cost extra money which may cause extra stain on those who have to manage the money in a way that ensures self and self’s family future survival and well-being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within those moments where my father would get angry at me for having messed something up during my play/discovery time – have only considered the dimension of the scenario where I took his reaction personal and made the whole ordeal about ‘me’ only, not once considering or asking myself where my father was coming from and looking into his side/dimension of the scenario and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to when things play out to place myself in other’s people shoes and take every participant into consideration as to not take any event personal

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• Day 232 - Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.
• Day 137: Re-Acting Reactive Reactions
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Day 131: Timidity

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back

So, the first thing to do within looking at this pattern of ‘holding back’, is to look where it came from. So it’s inherently a fear-based point, where it’s almost like a form social anxiety or phobia

I can see this point extending through pretty much my entire life, where I’ve always been very timid around other people and would always be very reserved around others until I got to know them better. Obviously, I wasn’t born this way which indicates that this pattern must have originated within a family environment as being the predominant point of input within a child’s life (as remember this fear point within ages of 3-5 years of age) in the early stages of development.

Looking at this point, two memories come up.

One is of us watching the movie ‘Matilda’ at home, based on Roald Dahl’s book. At some stage, the father is busy sabotaging a car that he is going to sell, where Matilda tells him that it’s crooked and where the dad says “Listen, you little wiseacre: I'm smart, you're dumb; I'm big, you're little; I'm right, you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it.” When watching that scene and hearing those words – that point really hit me, especially in relation to my own father and other family members to a lesser extent. A statement as explicit in the movie was never really mentioned as far as I can remember, but when watching the scene it ‘hit me’ that this was the type of stuff that would go on at times where I would ask something or share stuff and would get a respond that I couldn’t really place and would be puzzled about it – where I knew something was ‘off’ but I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was.

The second memory is more of a ‘general’ memory as a point that would occur quite regularly. At home when I was small we mostly had one computer which everyone would share. I was very curious about computers and wanted to know more about them, so I would play around on the pc. I would check out the programs, click around to see what happens and this is basically how I taught myself to work with computers. Obviously, this method is not without making mistakes – as I was completely ignorant on how pc’s worked and was exploring through ‘click and see what happens’, which is like going through ‘trial and error’ – the computer would often end up going through some problems, showing me where I made a mistake. I didn’t know how to solve these problems so I would leave the pc and my dad would later come home and either I would quietly tell him or he would find out by himself – upon which he would get REALLY angry, as he’s very much into computers like they are his babies and there’s also the whole point of money involved where he was scared that I would break the pc to a point where he couldn’t fix it himself and would have to buy new parts. Trying out stuff on the pc was something I really enjoyed doing and exploring and is one of the reasons why I am currently quite handy with pcs. So after a few of my father’s outbreaks, I would start doing my little explorations in secret and in fear – out of fear that he would find out, get angry and lash out on me. So this is one of the points where I decided that I should keep things like this that I enjoyed doing/exploring to myself as I had connected a negative outcome to doing this type of things.

To be continued…

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Day 79: What Have I Done?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie
Day 78: Self-Rejection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I saw my nephew do the exact same thing when I was younger, as in laughing at things on the same show without knowing what exactly was funny about it – have seen this as the ‘perfect opportunity’ to get back for myself what I perceived had been ‘stolen from me’ – where I felt like it was now my turn / time to be in a superior position, and decided to ‘catch him out’ in what he was doing, the same way as how my siblings had done to me – where I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was my ‘right’ to do this and that it was now my turn to make someone else feel bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have caught out my nephew in what he was doing as laughing at things where he didn’t really know what he was laughing at – from the starting point of ‘getting back’ at my brother and sister through making my nephew feel bad – where I went and stole his energy for the sake of compensating the energy I had lost when I was smaller when the same thing happened with my siblings and me – where I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was now ‘getting even’ within catching out my nephew in what he was doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have caught out my nephew in what he was doing as laughing at things there he didn’t really know what he was laughing at – without for a moment considering how this would affect him even though I had experienced first-hand what I went through when it happened to me – where I only cared about getting an energy surge from catching him out on his pretence and within that feel all high and mighty within having busted him for something I could clearly see he was not comfortable with (in terms of not getting the humour) – where I felt so clever for having picked up on this and having caught him out so I could make myself feel better about myself within making him feel worse about himself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just have gone ‘with it’ when seeing the opportunity to gain back the energy I once lost as a child – where I immediately went, ‘yes, yes – this is what I must do let me do this’ in an almost “Gollum” like way, being single-mindedly focused on getting my precious energy back without considering the consequence of my actions or how my actions would influence the other person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been shocked at what I was seeing as the expression on my nephew’s face after I had ‘caught him out’ – as all of a sudden I found myself being faced with myself all those years ago and it was as if I was staring myself in the face – and the face was hurt, where I felt like I had cheated on myself within doing unto him what had been done unto me without for a moment considering that for me to feel good, I would have to make him feel bad – which was exactly how it played out/what happened – but then as I was faced with his expression I only too late realised the ‘reality’ of what I had done, where I had been so concerned/obsessed with only my own personal “wellbeing” that I completely forgot/disregarded how I had felt when it had been done unto me – and so I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to within that moment where I saw the opportunity to do unto another as had been done unto me – to have stopped within the realisation that I did not like what had happened, and that it would thus be hypocritical / a lie to do it unto another, and within that moment stop participating within the temptation of energy and ground myself back here within my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘after the facts’ as seeing the hurt expression on my nephews face and realising what I just had done – have gone and hide behind my mom because the realisation of what I had done was just too painful/uncomfortable to bear – as I had been very upset at my brother and sister for what they had done all those years ago and yet I now had placed myself in that exact same position – where I felt like I was completely evil and went into regret as shame and embarrassment for having cheated on myself within making my nephew feel how I did not want to feel – and where instead of looking at what I had done and what processes were involved to get to a point of accumulation where I acted out what had been done unto me and correcting myself – I went into hiding and suppression and try to forget what just had happened because I found myself too shocked/perplexed to handle what had just happened / what I had just done – where I went to hide behind my mom and kind of suck on my fingers/play with them in my mouth as a point of self-suppression instead of taking responsibility for what I had done – although I also see / realise / understand that I could only have done so much within not having been taught/educated on how the mind processes work and why I was tempted to do unto my nephew what had been done unto me – where at the same time I would have been able to use myself as a reference within the point of being aware that I was acting out a form of ‘payback’ and kind of in the back of my mind knowing that this was ‘not cool’ – where I could have stopped myself right then and there just on that point

Related articles

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• Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
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• Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie
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Day 78: Self-Rejection

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked by my brother and sister, because I perceived them to be ‘more’ than me within being ‘older’ and within being able to ‘read and write’ – which I saw as two major access points into participating within this world, as words are everywhere and I at that time did not yet have access to this part of reality, but they did – where I accepted and allowed myself to define them within myself as ‘superior’ for having this skill/ability and within that defined myself as ‘inferior’ inside myself within not being able to read/write or even understand English

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to show that I was unable to follow the show because I was not able to understand English nor read the Dutch subtitles and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had defined myself as ‘stupid’ and ‘less than’ within not being able to read/understand English and so not being able to ‘pick up’ on the humorous points within the show

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to hide that I was not able to understand the humour because I was unable to read or understand English – where I wanted my siblings to see me as an ‘equal’ whereas I saw myself as ‘weak’ for not being able to read or understand English, where I feared that if this were to become ‘public knowledge’, that they would reject me from their group and that I would be left alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘prove’ myself to my brother and sister and show that I can do what they can and participate within the same things within the starting point of fear as being left behind – where I faked being able to do what they were able to do to seek acceptance and validation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have closely monitored my brother and sisters behaviour while watching the show so that I would laugh when they laughed, to pretend that I was able to understand what was going on and that I liked the same things they liked – so I could be part of the group

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to closely monitor my brother and sister’s reactions as laughter so that I could ‘pick up’ when something funny was happening and quickly ‘join in’ as to not feel being left out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when my brother and sister laughed to check whether I’d laugh just because they were laughing – have gone into anger and embarrassment within realising what just happened, where my ‘game’ had just been exposed and where I felt weak, inferior and clueless – but where instead of looking at my reaction and the nature of my behaviour – went into anger and blame where I saw their actions as mean and deliberate, where I blamed them for the way I was experiencing

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the reason why I went into anger, blame, inferiority – was not because of my brother and sister – but because what I was doing had just been openly exposed, where I already before anything happened was judging myself for my inability to read / understand English and thus unable to understand the humour – and where within that moment of them exposing me, these inherent feelings came out more intensified – but instead of taking self-responsibility I placed the responsibility within the hands of my brother and sister within “them making me feel this way” – without seeing and realising that the anger is only here because I already knew what I was doing towards myself within the relationship that I was busy creating towards myself, but did not do anything about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have blamed my brother and sister for how I was experiencing myself within the belief/perception/idea that they had done ‘injustice’ unto me – without seeing and realising that I was the one being unjust with myself within making myself feel dumb, stupid, weak, inadequate and inferior – and where they within that moment merely triggered these already existent emotions/definitions inside myself to come up to the surface – and so I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let go of this memory and the anger as negative energy attached to this memory – as I now see/realise/understand that this moment was merely an opportunity for me to see and realise what I had been doing to myself, but where I did not take responsibility for myself and my experience and also could not have within not having been taught the proper tools to deal with my own inner reality – and so I allow myself to let go of this memory as the various energies attached to it and embrace what happened as me within seeing/realising what happened and what requires to be done on my part to sort myself out


When and as I see myself accessing the idea that ‘older age’ means that someone is ‘more than’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is an idea that older people like to implement/use because It gives them an advantage as an unquestioned authority to keep doing what they’re doing without having anyone question them just on this point of ‘age’ and so I commit myself to let go of all value/meaning I attached to the point of someone being ‘older’ so that I can stop manipulating myself into submission just because of this belief

When and as I see myself accessing the belief that someone who can read and write is ‘more than’ someone who is not able to read and write – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that reading and writing are not skills one are born with, but skills that require to be taught within consistency – and so this does not carry any form of ‘inherent value’ as whether one is able to read and write is dependent on the environment one finds themselves within and what stage in life one is – and so I commit myself to let go of this value system/belief and when faced with this point to breathe and ground myself within my human physical body

When and as I see myself reacting within inferiority when faced with a skill/ability that I have not yet integrated as myself but that others have – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that having this skill is dependent on practice and so there is no point of impose inferiority unto myself as these only limits me and so I commit myself to take on the practice of the skill/ability that I am faced with within the realisation that this skill/ability doesn’t just come ‘out of nowhere’ but takes time, dedication and support to develop

When and as I see myself reacting within shame and embarrassment with regards to not having mastered a particular skill and where I want to hide this – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that if I am going to hide my inability to do something, then I am only going to keep myself within not being able to do something – and so I commit myself to stop participating within shame, embarrassment, judgment and so in hiding – as I see/realise/understand that there is no need for any form of judgment and that hiding is in fact counterproductive – instead I set myself up to open up the point of wanting to learn this new skill/ability and allow myself to move/grow instead of judging myself and holding on to my self-limitation

When and as I see myself access the belief that if one does not know a particular skill/ability that one will be rejected/left alone – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this belief merely reflects my attitude towards myself where I reject myself within being unable to do something, and so it is and has never been about ‘me proving myself to others’ – but ‘me proving myself to me’ within the belief that there was something wrong with me and within that very statement reject myself – and so I commit myself to stop participating within this belief and fear and commit myself to investigate the nature of my self-rejection and address it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I see myself wanting to or being busy monitoring others’ behaviour within ‘looking for clues’ on how to act – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this merely indicate insecurities within myself and so I commit myself to stop participating within this pattern, breathe, ground myself here as my human physical body and investigate the nature of the insecurity within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I see myself shaping/moulding my behaviour in order to be able to be part of a group – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that me wanting to change/mould myself and my expression indicate a problem with my self-relationship within and towards myself and so I commit myself to stop participating within this pattern – breathe, be here within and as my human physical body and investigate /take apart the point within writing and Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I see myself reacting within anger, frustration, embarrassment, shame, inferiority to something another says or does and within that go into an immediate movement of blame – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this moving into blame is me not taking responsibility for myself and my inner reality/relationship with myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and so I commit myself to be grateful for this event/situation as an opportunity to get to know myself better and re-construct my relationship with myself to one that is Best for All Life

 

Day 76: Wanting to be Liked

When I was a small kid, we were spending our holiday in Spain and at some point we went to a restaurant to eat. While we were there (or previously in the car) my brother and sister taught me the word ‘fuck’ (but it was in Dutch). Well, they didn’t really *teach me*, they taught me how to pronounce it and that it was some sort of verb and other than that all I knew was that each time I said it, they would giggle and laugh a lot. So I was like cool, when I say this, they laugh so that must mean they like me.

Afterwards in the restaurant, I took salted peanuts out of the little bowls that they had on the bar, and I would go to random people saying “If you fuck me I will give you a peanut” – now remember I had NO idea what I was saying – all I knew was that my brother and sister were having a ball, so I felt encouraged to keep saying the word and go to people, thinking “yay, they like me!”.

Then when we were busy leaving the restaurant, just before we went into the car, my mom asked me what I was doing, and I showed her the peanuts in my hand like I had done previously and again said “if you fuck me I will give you a peanut” – and there my mom went into a complete shock , her face went all red, and she gave me a little tap/slap across the check saying “STOP THAT” – “DON’T SAY THAT AGAIN!!”. So now at this point, obviously, my brother and sister were having SO MUCH fun, laughing at what was going on, I was just saying to my mom “fuck me, fuck me fuck me” -- and would keep doing it just because my brother and sister were having such a laugh – without having any idea what, what I was saying meant or what it implied.


We would also watch the Simpsons at home, which was the original English version, with Dutch subtitles – though I couldn’t read yet back then and didn’t understand any English.

So we’d then be sitting in the lounge and watch the Simpsons, and I remember them sitting in the couch behind me while I was sitting closer to the tv on the wooden floor. Because I couldn’t read and couldn’t understand English yet, I was using my brother and sister as a reference for ‘what is funny’. Each time they would start laughing, I would quickly join in the laughter like “HAHAHAHAHA yea that’s funny” while I actually had no idea what was going on or why they were laughing. This was because I didn’t want to show that I didn’t knew what was going on because I looked up to my brother and sister because they could already read and understand humour. And I also wanted to make myself feel ‘a part’ of something, where I felt that ‘laughing together’ created some form of ‘bond’ or ‘connection’ because it’s something that “just happens” where different people just laugh at the same time.

Since I would always laugh with a little delay (bc I would only start laughing once I could hear them laugh) to what was happening on the tv and kind of do it in an exaggerated way to ‘cover up’ that I don’t know what’ – it must have been pretty clear to them that I was completely clueless. So then they would start playing this game where they would both start laughing at the same time during an episode, while nothing funny was happening and then obviously I would immediately go HAHAHAHAH YEA SO FUNNY!! -- and then I was busted, because I was laughing while there was nothing funny and then they would start laughing at me for having felt for their ‘bait’. There I mostly got angry and disappointed because I felt embarrassed and betrayed – like, “how could they do this to me? That is so mean! “ And then I’d become more hesitant to laugh when they were laughing because now I couldn’t be sure whether they meant it or just wanted to trick.

Then, yeeeaars later, we were staying over at one of our aunts, and we were watching the Simpsons on tv. My little nephew (or is it cousin? Not sure) was sitting close to the tv while I was sitting behind him on the couch, and as the Simpsons started, you know you have that little intro that is different each time and is supposed to be “funny” – I started to laugh REAL HARD while nothing funny was happening, and I saw my nephew/cousin quickly look back to me and then back to the tv and go HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and do a really exaggerated laugh. I’d then started “really” laughing and then he got what I did and his faced change to being all upset/grumpy. While he was doing to exaggerated laugh, I for a moment felt good, like “gotcha” – where I was now in the position where my brother and sister had been previously, and could experience this what I perceived as ‘superiorness’ – but then as I looked at my nephew/cousin and saw how his face changed, I suddenly felt sooooo ashamed and cheated – because I had just done unto him what had been done unto me, as something I really did not enjoy. And then I couldn’t handle my own uncomfortableness and went to hide by my mom while eating stuff to distract me from my experience.

So what I found interesting about these memories is how clear it is as a child what you are doing, where you know you are doing something deliberately for the sake of the ‘feel good’ experience as ‘validation’, where in this case I was looking at ‘laughter’ as a point of personal validation as if that meant people liked me. Where I was willing to do whatever to make people like me – and then also how within perceiving myself as ‘not being liked’ – go into the nastiness/spitefulness of making another feel the same way.

Some interesting stuff to work with here – Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to Follow

Related articles

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• Day 17: Betrayal - Anger and Me - Part 2
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• Day 57: Sound of Laughter

Day 60: Paranoia

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 17: Betrayal – Anger and Me – Part 2
Day 57: Sound of Laughter
Day 58: Reasoning as Self-Sabotage
Day 59: What are you Laughing at?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personal when people were talking about me behind my back about how ridiculous something was that I did and laughed about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have within that moment of hearing people talk behind my back and laughing – have placed a negative energy charge unto the point/sound of ‘laughter’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the moment of hearing people talk behind my back and laugh at something I did – have created a negative energy charge/connection to the sound of ‘laughter’ within a relationship of ‘unfairness’ – where within that moment I allowed myself to make a relationship connection between the sound of ‘laughter’ and opinion as ‘unfairness’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the moment of hearing people talk behind my back and laugh at something I did – have integrated the sound of laughter with an additional meaning within and as me as ‘unfairness’ – where from then on each time I would hear laughter at a distance/laughter I wasn’t participating in – I would react within and as unfairness within the assumption that the laughter had to do with me and something I had done which was deemed ridiculous

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hold on to this memory and the meaning I had given to the laughter – where yes, people were laughing and ridiculing me which was not cool – yet there was no point to make this form of laughter ‘timeless’ within myself within from then on always interpreting laughter at a distance as being ‘unfair’ and assuming that the past was repeating itself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an emotional connection to the sound of laughter, specifically laughter taking place at a distance and where I am not participating in / playing an active role – where I now within holding on to this memory as the past, recreate and re-enact this experience as energy each time I am faced with a situation which is similar in its features as my past memory – and immediately within that moment impose the meaning I had attached to the memory, unto the present – and within that distort reality for myself within participating within interpretation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have compartmentalized/categorised the sound of laughter within myself within particular meaning – where each time I hear laughter at a distance, this meaning as a reaction will pop up inside me and impose itself unto the moment/reality and where I believe this experience to be real/genuine – without seeing and realising that I am merely being a robot producing a particular output as a reaction to particular input – wherein I am merely recycling the past as memories and pasting them unto the present moment and so these experiences are in no way real/genuine but a fabrication of my own mind


When and as I see myself taking the sound of laughter personal – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed myself to have imposed an alternate mind dimension unto the manifestation of laughter – where laughter within my mind is no more ‘just a sound’ – but a sound that carries meaning as ‘unfairness’ based on past memories/events that I did not yet deal with. And so I commit myself to in those moments stop participating in the energetic experience of ‘taking it personal’ and simply see the sound of laughter for what it is – a sound and let go of all additional meaning based on memory

When and as I see myself reacting within a negative energy charge to the sound of laughter – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am merely accessing a programmed response pattern based on the past as memories which has no relevance to the current moment and so I commit myself to snap myself out of this automated mode and be here within and as breath as my human physical body

When and as I see myself reacting to the sound of laughter coming from people close by within the belief that ‘they must be laughing at me’ and ‘they’re probably ridiculing me’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am being irrational within hauling in energies from the past as memories and believing these to be relevant to the present moment – and so I commit myself to stop participating in this backchat / emotional energy and investigate how come I am still holding on to this point of ‘they must be laughing at me’ as this reveals that I have not yet effectively walked this point into specificity

When and as I see myself reacting to the sound of laughter within paranoia as ‘it must be about me’ within an almost grudge-like energy experience – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this experience indicates to me that I have missed a point somewhere which I require to address as the grudge-like experience indicates a point of abdicating self-responsibility within blame/victimization and so I commit myself re-visit the point and identify what I have missed and correct/re-align the point within Self-Responsibility

When and as I see myself reacting to the sound of laughter happening around me coming from people I know/am familiar with and thinking/believing that this laughter must be directed at me – and believing this experience to be real/genuine as in me giving myself factual information – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this experience/belief is in no way genuine but a mere reprocessing of old energies/experiences as if they are relevant to my life/my world – while they are not since they keep me in a limited bubble version of reality which only I experience and does not match everyone else’s experience of reality – and so I commit myself to pop my bubble of self-limitation as recycling memories/experiences and imposing them unto reality as if they are ‘new’ and ‘real’ so I may actually see what is really going on

Related articles

• Day 59: What are you Laughing at?
• Day 58: Reasoning as Self-Sabotage
• Day 55: Sounds as Reference
• Day 23: Decisions
• Day 50: Here -- Yet Lightyears away
• Day 52: Prelude - Don't take anything for Granted
• Day 57: Sound of Laughter

Day 55: Sounds as Reference

This blog is a continuation to:

Day 51: Shocking Sounds
Day 52: Prelude – Don’t take anything for Granted
Day 53: I Am Robot
Day 54: Reading Sounds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used sound as ‘cues’ – where I relied on sound to tell me ‘what to do’ , ‘how to behave’ and ‘what to feel’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-responsibility within letting sounds ‘guide me’ and my participation in reality – where I will move myself according to the sounds I hear and the various meanings I have attached to the sounds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have linked my inner-experience to sound – where I will follow the sounds around me closely and modify/adapt my inner-experience as the sounds change in my environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used /relied on sound in terms of ‘what to do’ and ‘how to feel’ – where I believed that if I rely on sound as cues in my reality that I will be better prepared / have an advantage when shit hits the fan

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see / realise / understand that shit will either hit the fan – or it won’t and so it does not matter how ‘well’ I can read the sounds in the house and within that evaluate the situation – since within that I am just sitting there doing nothing really, and so whether I tie my experience to these sounds or not does in no way whatsoever alter or change what is going to happen and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am at an advantage when I am aware of the sounds in the house and link my experience to them – instead of seeing and realising that within tying my experience to the sounds in the house I am only creating more stress for myself within myself within anticipating ‘something bad to happen’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that within ‘anticipating something “bad” to happen’ – I am already placing myself ‘there’ as if it’s already happening, where I am already in fear and anxiety – and thus if I do not like what is about to happen / might happen – yet place myself in the position of ‘already being there’ and having the experience that goes with it – I am in fact sabotaging myself as I am doing unto myself what I fear happening – lol – since I do not fear the actual event which is about to take place, but my experience within it as fear, anxiety and petrification, yet I am already creating and generating this fear, anxiety and petrification – it’s so irrational

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have found myself so ‘clever’ within assessing situations based on sound – where I thought it was so cool that I can assess what’s going to happen just by listening to the sounds in the house – without ever stopping for a moment and seeing/realising how I am in fact trapping myself within this point of sound where for hours on end my experience inside myself would be defined and determined by the sounds in the house where I would be on edge at all times which was NOT a cool experience – yet in some twisted way believed that it was helping me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was assisting myself within the relationship I had created with the sounds in the house – where I believed that within linking my inner experience to the sounds in the house that I was gaining some sense of ‘control’ since I was getting “immediate feedback” within myself based on the sounds and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my inner experience as anticipation as fear and anxiety was in fact the very statement of powerlessness as lack of control´-- yet believed that within ‘being able to tell what’s going to happen based on sound’ convinced myself that I was somehow in control of myself and my environment

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see / realise / understand that I was actually not able to ‘tell what was going to happen’ – since I could only tell what was happening at the moment of hearing the actual sounds – but I could not tell whether or not shit was going to hit the fan until it was hitting it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I have a relationship towards something in my reality, such as a relationship to sound where specific emotions/thoughts/feelings get triggered/activated to particular sounds – that this means that ‘I have control’ within believing that I can place/define the situation for myself from a Mind perspective -- without seeing and realising that even though I give something a label and categorise is in a particular place inside myself -- this does not somehow provide me with control over the situation that will assist me in coping in anyway whatsoever, at best I am constricting/limiting myself to always experience/act based on the compartmentalisation of information which I receive through my senses – in this case: sound


When and as I see myself relying on sounds as ‘cues’ to tell me what to do and how to behave – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am abdicating self-responsibility within allowing sounds to dictate/determine how I feel and behave and so I commit myself to when such moments arrive, to breathe, be here as my human physical body and disengage myself from participating in energetic responses to sounds

When and as I see myself looking for sounds to guide me how to feel/act – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed myself to make something ‘more’ out of sounds – where I’ve placed personal meaning unto the sounds which then dictate how I feel/experience myself and so I commit myself to breathe, be here as my human physical body and to for myself identify the meaning I have given to the sound by which I am accepting and allowing myself to be directed by – and realise myself from this relationship within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I see my inner experience of myself shift according to the sounds in my environment – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am participating in a programmed response pattern based on memories featuring similar sound aspects – and so I commit myself to breathe, be here and investigate the nature of my reactions and memories from which they emerged within Self-Reflective Writing

When and as I see myself ‘tuning in’ to the sounds in my environment from a starting point of ‘analysing the situation’ within anticipation and wanting to be ‘prepared’/’ready’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am tricking and manipulating myself into a sense of ‘control’ whilst all the while only feeding self-doubt and self-distrust within closely monitoring my environment for ‘cues’ on what might possibly happen next – because I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself totally and completely to stand and be here within any given situation – and where I thus will reach for ‘anticipation’ as a form of ‘preparedness’ without seeing and realising that all I am doing is placing myself in a position of fear and ensuring that if something happens that I will act within and as the starting point of fear and within that miss the opportunity to be self-directive.
And so I commit myself to snap myself out of my ‘anticipation mode’ and allow myself to unconditionally be here within as breath as my human physical body and take things one thing at a time without creating an idea/belief about it beforehand

When and as I see myself accessing the belief that I can influence the outcome of an event by obsessively focussing on the sounds in my environment – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is just another form of ‘Positive Thinking’ where I delude myself that I am apparently making a change through being completely possessed/occupied with interpreting sounds without making any difference to the situation/outcome in anyway whatsoever – and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, be here and let go of my obsessive behaviour as I see/realise/understand that I cannot do anything about the situation but can only trust myself to direct myself appropriately when and if the situation arises

When and as I see myself going into fear and anxiety at the prospect of something – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that my behaviour is completely irrational within creating an unpleasant experience for myself before anything has even happened – and within that I commit myself to breathe, be here and ground the energy through my feet out of my body and unconditionally walk without allowing myself to be pre-occupied about what might and might not happen in the course of time

When and as I see myself accessing the belief that I gain control within tying my inner experience to the sounds in my environment – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is how I delude/brainwash myself into believing that I am ‘in control’ simply because I have an experience towards something and can relate this experience to memories of the past where I had the same experience linked to the same/similar sound – and that because my memory and current moment share alike features – physical and mental -- that this means that I can predict the future LOLOLOL – which is like, absolute bullshit -- and so I commit myself to stop bullshitting myself and have a good laugh at my own stupidity, Earth myself here and walk moment by moment unconditionally

When and as I see myself accessing the belief that I can “predict the future” within being overly aware of the sounds in my environment – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the only thing which is predictable is myself as a Robot as I’ve programmed myself to execute certain actions such as generating emotions/feeling/thoughts when presented with certain input such as sound – and so within that I can perfectly predict how I will experience myself since I just have to look at my programming but within that however, I am not able to predict the future of the physical reality – and so any predicting taking place is always only taking place in my mind about my mind. I commit myself to stop participating in fake sense of psychic powers as I’ve seen/realised that they are completely non-existent and ground myself here within and as Breath as my human physical body and participate with what is here as this physical reality

When and as I see myself gaining a sense of ‘control’ within tying my experience to sound and experiencing an energetic movement within myself when hearing a sound – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am in fact placing myself in a ‘controlled condition’ within securing myself within and as memory – where I can be certain that I will only ever experience what I have already experienced in the past as stored experiences linked to memories – and within that limiting/confining myself and my movement as I am not allowing myself to be here and see/assess the situation for what it is but immediately presume that it will be the same as in the past and so re-create the past / impose it unto the present – within that I commit myself to prove to myself that I can live without having an energetic reaction or belief/opinion about things in my world and that I do not need these energetic reactions in order to live my life

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