Day 43: Can't Stand the Sight of Blood

This is a continuation to Day 42: Why?

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience of powerlessness and victimization that would wash over me when getting physically hurt, was simply a 'part of me' and 'who I am' -- without ever questioning this experience or its origin

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this experience wasn't just 'a part of me' or a part of 'who I am' as this experience wasn't always a part of me -- but only emerged at a certain point within my life -- and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this experience was created and emerged from and as a memory imprint -- where something happened to me within my childhood which I haven't dealt with -- whereby this experience now integrated within and as me, and kept on 'popping up' throughout my life with the right triggers, where each time when the experience emerged during an event and I did not question it / did not do anything about it -- it only integrated and penetrated deeper into my being to a point where I believed  this experience 'to be me' and forgot all about the initial memory from which the experience was created

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child when another kid shoved me to the ground and I hit the hard ground with my knees, have taken the picture presentation of the blood seeping into my pants and the wetness I felt as 'something bad' and 'something which shouldn't happen' -- where I didn't cry when the actual physical pain rushed through my body of hitting the ground, but cried in reaction to the picture I was seeing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'blood' within a negative energy connotation/charge within myself -- whereby each time I see the picture presentation of blood, I see it as bad -- without taking into consideration the context within which the blood is present

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'blood stains' within a negative energy charge/connotation within myself -- whereby each time I see a blood stain I go into a negative energy-based experience inside myself  -- connected to all the memories wherein I was brought into contact with 'bood stains' -- which was primarily movies and other types of media on tv -- where blood was always displayed within the context of violence or macabre atmosphere -- whereby I accepted and allowed myself to define blood within the limited context and association of 'violence' and 'death'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I as a child hit the ground and hurt my knee and saw blood seeping into my pants from my wound -- have gone into a panic mode within connecting the picture presentation of the blood and the stain to all the pictures I had seen on tv which were within the context of violence/death -- whereby I created the connection that 'violence had been done unto me' and that 'something was wrong' / 'I may die' within seeing blood run out of me body because of the limited context I had been educated on blood where I had only been familiarized with blood within the context of violence/macabre through television

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'laugh away' the notion that we can be brainwashed by tv, within 'not me, I don't get brainwashed by tv -- other people maybe sure, but not me' -- without seeing and realising that all I have ever known about myself as 'who I' apparently 'am' -- is the direct result/outcome of brainwashing through time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea / belief about blood -- where blood can only ever be 'something bad' without ever questioning this belief and finding out what blood is 'within the bigger picture'

When and as I see myself experiencing a particular feeling/emotion/experience which I did not direct within that moment -- and believe this experience of energy as feelings/emotions to be real as 'who I am' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and  realise that this experience is not just 'who I am' but a programmed response pattern which will emerge when the right triggers are in place, and so I stop and bring myself here as the physical within breath and commit myself to investigate the origin of the emotion/feeling pattern I engaged in and unravel it / disengage it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself reacting to the picture presentation or the notion of 'blood' within a negative energy experience of 'this is bad' and/or 'something's wrong' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely accessing what had been put into me within watching/viewing particular scenes on tv where the presence of 'blood' was always a 'bad omen' -- whereby I copied and integrated this connotation/association within and as me so that when was faced with 'blood' within my own reality -- that was the connotation/association I would access within myself and upload throughout my human physical body

I commit myself to the re-evaluation of how television currently is operated and what gets broadcasted -- so that we do not educate/brainwash our children unintentionally with images and ideas about concepts/manifestations such as blood within a context of fear -- and so I commit myself to the re-establishment of television as a source of education as common sense to assist and support all within developing practical common sense skills within oneself

When and as I see myself ridiculing the notion of me being 'brainwashed' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that we are all the result of brainwashing as education from parents, teachers, television and other media -- and within that I move myself to take self-responsibility to identify all the ways that I have been brainwashed into patterns which are not conductive to what is Best for All -- and commit myself to replace those patterns with ones which are in Support of All Life

When and as I see myself accessing the idea that 'blood is bad' / 'blood means something's wrong with me' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have created this idea as an additional layer/dimension which I imposed upon the concept/manifestation of blood through memories/brainwashing -- and so I remove myself from participating within this idea as I see and realise that this does not form part of the actually reality of blood -- and allow myself to take into consideration the 'bigger picture' -- whereby blood is simply a medium our bodies and other bodies have adopted as a means to transport nutrients/resources throughout our human physical body, whereby if we hurt our human physical bodies within force contact, or contact with sharp objects -- we may damage our transport system as the arteries and veins through which the blood is transported within our bodies, whereby a 'leak' forms, just  as when you damage a water-pipe, where for a moment some of these resources as blood may seep/leak out of the body until the hole/damage has been 'patched up'. And as such, within the context of movies, where people are violently killed and blood is sprayed all over the place -- it is simply the manifested consequence of the body having been damaged whereby openings/leaks have been created within one's inner resource transport system, whereby these resources as blood leak/spray all over the place -- and thus the primary point of blood is not 'bad' or 'wrong' or 'death' -- but in fact a medium of supporting Life within facilitating the distribution of resources within and as the body

  

Related articles

• Day 103: Expectation Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 23: Decisions
• Day 42: Why?
• Day 39: What if something's Wrong with Me?

Day 42: Why?

I've been looking at how I created a relationship of victimization within and towards my human physical body, where whenever something 'bad' would happen like a cut, a scrape, a fall, a bruise, an injury, disease, pain etc - I would be overwhelmed with a sense of powerlessness and helplessness and asking myself 'Why? Why is this happening to me?'. I'd instantaneously become very emotional and cry (although as I got older I'd start to suppress the crying more and more because I didn't want to be seen as 'weak'). Now it doesn't come up as prominent anymore until someone will for instance ask me 'Are you alright?' and then this whole wave of emotions would 'wash over me' and with it the tears would start welling up in my eyes and I go 'WTF, What is this experience? Why is this here?'. The experience is hard to describe because I never really looked at it before, as I just saw it as one of my weird annoying 'quirks' which would pop up from time to time but I never bothered to question it because I thought it was simply a 'part of who I am'. The experience is something like a lostness, confusing like just not knowing why all these bad things happen to me and my body and why these experience exist (pain, discomfort). Then later, when I looked at it again a memory popped up from when I was in my first year of 'kindergarten' (where I went to school you had three years of kindergarten, starting from 2-3 years old until you're 6 or something and then you start your first year in primary school) and both kindergarten and the primary school grades were situated in the same school. So on the playground you had kids from ages 2 to 12 roaming around. I was one of the youngest.

One day I was walking around on my own just exploring, not really 'doing' anything or having any 'game' or 'purpose' that I was walking around with, and then at some point I stood still and looked at one of the concrete tiles (the playground consisted mostly of a concrete tiled flat space (and the tiles were like very rough, grainy) with a small part with sand and some trees and jungle gyms), and then out of nowhere I saw this boy from the 6th grade (so one of the eldest) stand behind me and he was looking somewhere very focussed into the distance, and it looked like he wanted to get wherever it was where he was looking and I saw his body moving into action to 'get there' but then he noticed from the corner of his eye that this little toddler - me - was in the way of his body already moving into the opposite direction of the playground and then he quickly shoved me out of the way and sprinted to wherever he was going. When I look at it now it's clear that he was obviously playing a game with his friends that he got really involved in that when he saw I was in the way he just wanted to get this 'obstruction' out of the way so he can keep in the loop of the game with his friends.

For me in that moment I had NO idea what was going on and I was just completely in shock. As I write it out, it all sounds like it was moving quite slow but me seeing him to the point where I hit the ground all happened in less than a second. I landed on the concrete tiles with my knees (I mean, what a stupid idea to have a playground made out of concrete tiles? Kids fall on it all the time) and this intense pain shocked through my body. I moved myself over a bit, still on the ground and saw that my pants had a dark red stain by my one knee and it felt wet. I cried and I cried. The teacher who takes care of us 'little ones' found me and took me inside. I was in pain, crying, confused and I was looking for some answers. Why did this happen? Why did the boy push me? Why am I in this pain? Why is my leg bleeding so bad? Why would someone want to inflict this on me? I don't understand!! As the teacher was walking me while holding my hand I was full of anticipation to get those questions answered. I was very small though and had little vocabulary so I didn't really say anything while walking/crying as I assumed the teacher would talk to me soon enough. When we got to our 'classroom' (can't really call it a classroom, it's a room full of toys and drawing/crafting stuff lol) we rolled up my pants to see what 'the damage' was and my whole knee was open, my leg covered in blood from knee to ankle. She then just pointed at the little toilet room, told me to take off my pants, showed I should sit down and gave me some toilet paper telling me to 'clean myself up'. She then left.
And so I sat there on the toilet in the little toilet room all alone, in my undies, in pain, bleeding with all the questions and no-one was telling me what was going on. As I started cleaning up the blood from my leg I experienced a sense of aloness, weakness, powerlessness, helplessness -- a victim-like state. As I dabbed the toilet paper on my bloody leg I started to 'toughen up' inside as I thought there was nothing I could do and there was no-one here to help me, I wasn't getting any wiser so what's the point? After a bit the teacher came back, and put some red stuff on my wound that was prickly, she gave me a different set of pants. She put my bloody pants in a plastic bag and told me I should take it home with me after school. We then walked back to the playground where she gave me a little push of 'off you go' and there I was, back on the playground like nothing ever happened. I walked back to the spot where I fell and there were blood stains on it. I remember them being there for quite a few days after the incident.

I wasn't told why the boy pushed me and the boy was never approached about it -- so I assumed that he hadn't done anything 'unacceptable' and that it was implied that it was my own fault that I ended up the way I did, that there was nothing wrong with the boy pusing me and my body getting hurt, but that it was 'me' that was wrong in general.

So now whenever I experience pain, a cut, a fall, whatever -- this whole experience gets uploaded into every cell of my body. Depending on the severity/intensity/element of surprise of the incident -- the experience will be more or less intense but it'll always be there. And although my whole tick bite fever incident was quite different from what played out in the memory, the pain and discomfor triggered the same experience.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to follow 

 Related articles

• Day 37: What's Happening to Me?!
• Day 38: Being Sick is So BAD! Or is it?
• Day 35: Reversing Trust
• Day 26: Ticks and Tick Bite Fever
• Emotional/Feeling Body Creation - Part 2: DAY 103
• Parental Input in Child Character-Building - Part 2: DAY 109

Day 7: Letting Go of Fear

This is a continuation to: "Day 6: Fear of Something Going Wrong & Wanting to be in Control"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the event of TweeTweet's death imprint a fear within me of "fear of things going wrong with pets"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not properly deal with the loss of a pet and within that allow this event to have a major impact on my life in terms of how I want to be in control in relation to pets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have immediately reacted to my experiences of loss as "I do not ever want to experience this again" and within that set myself up in a way to avoid any and all possible situations and combinations of factors which could lead to the loss of a pet

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this is not a solution in terms of dealing with the loss of a pet

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instantaneously suppress the event and focus my energy towards "not ever experiencing this again" instead of pushing myself to deal with the experience so that I do not have to go through it next time it happens (instead of wanting to avoid/hide from such situations)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with pets from a starting point of fear and anxiety

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that participation stemming from fear and anxiety is not real participation -- as I am not experiencing the moment as is -- but a modified reality version created within my own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within fear back chat as "I hope they're not dead" and then act upon that backchat through checking up on the parrots randomly to check that they're still alive

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this only further feeds my backchat and will only make the situation worse inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within fear as nauseousness upon seeing blood

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the picture of blood with the idea of "nightmare" within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a necessary connection between the sight of blood and "experiencing a nightmare" within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump to conclusions when seeing blood -- where I immediately expect worse-case-scenario

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ruled by emotions and feelings when it comes to injured pets instead of common sense evaluation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about not having been there when the Parrots got hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about not having been there when TweeTweet drowned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should have been there

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be around my pets as much as possible so that I can be there when things happen or be there to prevent things from happening

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this is no way of living life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the expression of my pets through my fears of something happening to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within myself  -- whenever I am faced with an injured bird -- that the bird will probably be dead by the morning so that I am "prepared" in case it happens, where I told myself that this was going to happen anyway, where I do not want to think of the bird being ok/making it because if he then doesn't then I will feel worse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at pets only in terms of how I feel and how I experience myself and not how whatever is happening might be affecting the pet in question


I commit myself to investigate my reactions and experiences of past events when being faced with the loss of a pet

I commit myself to investigate all suppressions in relation to fears to do with pets

I commit myself to release myself from all anxieties and fears related to taking care of animals

I commit myself to be here in the moment when participating with pets

I commit myself to lay out for myself my alternate created reality of the world inside myself and to remove this alternate version of reality layer by layer until I am able to see what is really here

I commit myself to the stopping of backchat inside myself and within that commit myself to act upon common sense rather than nonsensical emotional experiences

I commit myself to remind myself that backchat and emotions have no real value in terms of the physical reality and only make things unnecessarily complicated for myself and those around me

I commit myself to removing all triggers and connection in relation to seeing blood

I commit myself to adopt a common sensical approach towards working with pets instead of a mind reality bubble of fear and anxiety as an added layer upon actual reality which only clouds and blurs my view

I commit myself to do what I can do provide the optimal environment for the pets in my care from the starting point of what is Best for All

I commit myself to let go of fear and wanting to be in control as this does not actually make a difference in terms of what is possible

I commit myself to remind myself that there are those which I can do to prevent harm from happening and that there will be circumstances where factors lie beyond my control -- and since they are beyond my control, there is nothing I can do and it is completely useless to worry about it

I commit myself to remind myself to live every moment to the fullest with the animals in my environment until I no longer can

I commit myself to redefining the word "death" as no longer containing a negative loaded emotion and conception but where death is simply another phase one goes through within one's life experience -- moving from one dimension to another

I commit myself to the ceasing of manipulating myself with thoughts as anticipation, expectation and hope in order to control my emotional experience

I commit myself to face my emotions when faced with them

I commit myself to not hide from my experiences

Day 6: Fear of Something Going Wrong & Wanting to be in Control

Ever since TweeTweet died -- a little flycatcher bird we took care of until (s)he (we never found out whether it was a boy or a girl) drowned in an aquarium in our room, I've had this BIG fear of things going wrong with pets.

When TweeTweet died, I was very upset with myself -- as TweeTweet drowning in the aquarium was something we could have prevented if we had only scanned our room sufficiently for any possible "danger" points which could have been removed to prevent things like harm and death to happen.

When we were getting close to getting our first African Grey Parrot I was getting very panicky as I felt underprepared and thought the poor thing would probably die soon in our care. I did some research on the internet and got myself a book on African Greys the weekend before we were going to get him. I read the book from cover to cover whenever I had time -- and always in a state of anxiety. I wanted to absorb as much information and knowledge possible in order to be able to prevent things from happening the same way they did with TweeTweet.

I wanted to be in control and be able to determine the outcome in any and all situations.

Even long time after we had the Parrots I would go into the room and check up on them just to see whether they were all still alive -- I had this underlying fear/expectation that something bad would/must happen and that I would then be heartbroken again as how I experienced myself with the death of TweeTweet.

A week or so ago, we went to do our monthly shopping. When we came back I weird dark coloured red splatters at the bottom of Wings' cage (one of our five parrots). I thought it was weird and that maybe it was blood but it looked too dark and Wings was acting normal. I figured that it was probably just the food colouring that came off a toy when she played with in the water and gave it no further attention. Then later when I was walking around the parrot cages talking to them and seeing how they were doing I noticed that the spatters in Wings' cage didn't just stop in her cage and that there was a whole bunch on the floor around her cage as well. I started feeling dizzy and told Gian "Gian, it's not the toy colouring, it really is blood" and I started feeling nauseous inside myself. I then turned around to look at Papi's cage (which is opposite of that of Wings) which I saw also had the same red splatters. I then looked at the wall behind and saw that the wall was covered with blood splatters.  I had seen it before but because it was so dark in our room I simply thought "woaw, these parrots sure make how to make a mess with their food" and I felt stupid for not having it checked out.  I felt dizzy, I felt like crying and fainting at the same time. It was like some scene of a nightmare. I had been away all day and they hurt themselves and I hadn't been there for them. (When TweeTweet died we also weren't there in the room). I felt especially bad because they were just acting in their normal birdie way (although Papi was shaking/vibrating a bit). I felt so sad inside looking at these innocent birds, looking at me like they do when they just want attention and play -- and then thinking of what I perceived as something horrific having happened to them -- I felt so guilty, like I had betrayed them, let them down - and didn't deserve them.

I then remembered David saying that Baru had been in the house, which never happened before -- except the one time when he was groggy from medication a week before and I remembered the Parrots freaking out when he was in our room because they had never met him before (they are fine with the other dogs in the house visiting them, Bumi actually likes to sleep on the bed next to them to keep them company while we work outside in the mornings). So what I think happened while we were gone is that Baru visited our room, that the Parrots freaked out in their cages and hurt themselves. I felt terrible inside as I thought that I this time really had "taken care" of all danger points in our room and now they got hurt by something stupid as us leaving our door open/unlocked when we're not around. I was also scared that maybe Baru bit them through the cage  (because I know he bit a chicken the one time) and I know how susceptible birds are to bacteria of dogs and cats their mouths (leading to death).

Gian obviously saw that I was panicking and overreacting and told me to calm down. When I was a bit calmer we took each one of the parrots out and inspected the damage. Wings had lost a bloodfeather and most of the blood had come out from the actually feather which was out -- rather than from her body. So I felt some relief there that it was nothing too serious. The sight of all the blood just got to my head.

Papi's wing was a bit more serious as she had actually hurt the flesh of her wing and not just a feather. Luckily at the farm with all the horses, dogs and chickens we have lots of sprays and other disinfectants which can be used on all animals so we cleaned them both up and then they looked a lot better.

The next few days I was still a bit on edge as I was still kind of expecting to wake up, lift the blanket off of Papi's cage and see her dead on the bottom of the cage as I had seen with so many birds before who got hurt and didn't make it. Because of stress towards my exams I put off writing about this event although I knew I should as the emotions I experienced that night were very intense. As I progressed within my exam period my right shoulder started to hurt a lot until I almost started crying from the pain. LJ suggested to look at it to see if he could assist with the pain. I went to lay down on the bed and he started pushing points, reading them and taking out systems and energy. He explained how he works with points. He showed me his arm and a spot to push with my finger to see if I could read my own point through him, and the only thing that came up was sadness. He explained that I suppressed a lot of my point and stored them into my back and shoulders. He also picked up the word 'guilt'. I them immediately had a picture of TweeTweet flash infront of my eyes and a picture of the Parrots. I then saw that I really needed to address this point.

I realised that I had made a decision after TweeTweet died to try and always be on top of things from the starting point of fear. I had been so busy worrying about the Parrots all the time and interact with them with underlying anxiety that I had completely forgotten to just enjoy my time with them without wanting to be in control all the time. I realised that even though in the event that happened, it was something that could have been prevented -- that I cannot preoccupy myself with "what ifs" the whole time as sometimes things will happen which are beyond my control (and of this, I was even more scared).

I still feared the death of pets as what happened to me with my guinea pig when I was small and how I experienced myself when TweeTweet died and never ever wanting to experience that again. I also see that I am still trying to 'make up' for TweeTweet's death through trying to give the Parrots the best environment and experience possible -- even though this is not always possible because of Money and the fucked up system we've allowed ourselves to end up in. So whenever I feel like the Parrots should have something but I can't give it to them -- I feel sad and unworthy of being their caretaker. But all I am really trying to do is make up for the guilt I experienced when TweeTweet died and trying to make it up with him through other birds. And instead of simply being unconditionally there for the Parrots I've turned into this control freak which can't enjoy a moment with the Parrots and other birds out of fear of something going wrong -- which is the opposite of having a nice time with them and them having a nice time with me.

I see and realise that I have to allow myself and the Parrots to live and that if something happens that is beyond my control then it happens and there is nothing that I can do to make a difference. But this doesn't mean that I must now live in fear of this one moment. I must allow myself to enjoy the time I spend with them to the fullest until I cannot do it anymore. And there's nothing bad or fearful about it -- it's simply how it is, and to treat it otherwise is only to punish myself and the birds around me unnecessarily.

Forgiveness to follow...