Showing posts with label words. Show all posts
Showing posts with label words. Show all posts

Friday, 2 August 2013

Day 223: Words and the Hidden Battle of Energies

Within being pregnant and walking the preparation of walking/living with another as myself within having to stand as example, I have been working a lot with Words. I have been closely studying the Parenting: Perfecting the Human Race Series for instance which pretty much can be translated into the Science of Words and has been very interesting to listen to (You can download Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 and Part 5 of the series for free FYI from the Eqafe website). The baby to be has also been sharing points through the portal whereby he will give an update on his personal process and also assist and support me in indicating what words/points to work with that he can already see is impacting him. So it’s been words, words, words for me lately and I have been enjoying the process quite immensely in working with words and dissecting my relationship with words, which are essentially like Maps to ourselves.

My mother is now also visiting for a bit and now I have been able to observe the ‘Science of Words’ quite clearly as well in my communication with her and hers towards me. This is the person who raised me with her words, so it has been quite interesting to see what comes up within myself as we talk and discuss things.

The first thing I noticed is that I would react a lot more towards my mother than I would “normally” do with any other person, and the reactions would also not make much sense – in the sense that it was clear that they were being ‘irrational’. So when I first noticed that I got that I had to start slowing down more. What was interesting then was how I could see while we talked that she would be for instance sharing a story or making a point, but there would be like a ‘shadow story’/’shadow message’ attached to it. Where if you look at the words by itself, it seemed like she was just ‘sharing a story’ – but then looking at the undertone of the story as the energies connected to certain words – there was an additional message connected to it, like the message was ‘bugged’ with a particular energy, sending me a message. I would then receive this ‘energy’ message and resonantly react to what she is saying – first not really knowing exactly ‘what’ I was reacting to, and then slowing myself down and spacing out what had just happened I could tell the exact words that had been energy-laden and how within looking at the composition of the energies along with the words used – I could see a sense of ‘manipulation’ coming through essentially, as I had reacted in fear to the particular story she told which made me want to re-consider some of the decisions I had made (which I know my mother doesn’t completely agree with lol).

In a way, I felt like I had been ‘shot’ with an energy bullet – where on the surface, our communication appeared nice enough, but the shadow conversation that was taking place as energy exchange felt like a stab in the back.

Fascinatingly enough though, I found myself doing the exact same thing an hour or so later – where I was sharing with her something that in itself as ‘just the words’ seemed innocent/genuine – yet I had attached a particular energy to the words, kind of last minute, to deliberately and specifically generate a reaction of fear within her – where as I was saying the words I saw an opportunity to ‘get back’ at her and was able to induce some sense of fear into her. As the last bit of words came out of my mouth, I already realised what I had done and immediately went into shame and regret – because obviously this is not cool and was completely unnecessary. Yet at the same time it was cool to witness this type of communication/interaction within a ‘Mother/Daughter’ set-up/scenario – where I could really see everything I had learnt so far about words in action, being able to witness how this practically plays out in a parenting relationship, how we have this whole other layer/dimension of communication existent between human beings that we are basically not even aware of and how definitely our relationship to words and usage of words has become one of complete deception and manipulation instead of honesty and integrity. So this was a cool reminder/wake up call, re-emphasising the importance of working with words, working with Vocabulary and the work that needs to go into preparing oneself to become an effective Parent, because you have to basically re-design your whole Living as all the Words you use to re-align them to what is Best for All where we no longer ab-use and mis-use words but become Living Words which mean exactly that which they are, and are straight to the point without any Hidden Agendas.

Monday, 24 June 2013

Day 216: Internalizing Conversations


When I was small I had someone in my environment that would get very loud and aggressive in conflict situations. I had all these things I wanted to say but instead of saying them I would just *think* them, as to not trigger any more unnecessary reactions from the other and instead just ‘wait out’ the rant and rage until the energy ran out.

What I noticed is that I still play out this exact pattern in situations of conflict or possible conflict – without this pattern being ‘relevant’ anymore. Meaning, I know there is nothing to fear in terms of the other person irrationally lashing out or something like that, so there is space for me to speak and nothing ‘bad’ will happen. But I have now become so accustomed to ‘thinking it’ instead of ‘speaking it’ that something will be happening in front of me and I want to point out something, that I just think it and feel like I have ‘done my part’ and can go on now with my day / life.

What would happen later though is that the point would come and cycle over and over in my head as what I wanted to say but didn’t – where I didn’t give the point an outlet but instead internalized it and then my head becomes like a haunted house with this ghost haunting me because it has no direction, nowhere to go.

Then it would even come to the point where I would dream about the same conflict point and I am like screaaaming at the other person, simply because I hadn’t spoken/expressed my point in real, physical reality, where I now have to go and ‘let it out’ in my dreams, but by that time the point has accumulated to such an extent that how I behave in the dream is completely out of line and then I wake up in the morning going wtf, I have some stuff to sort out lol.

So this is obviously not cool that a singular point of holding back has to travel through all these dimensions to be ‘heard’ and ‘seen’ by me before I will consider actually working with the point, which is what I will work on next.
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Saturday, 14 April 2012

Day 1: Words

Some time ago - 4 years to be exact - I took it on to myself to start writing Self-Forgiveness with the aid of a dictionary - and write Self-Forgiveness every day. That commitment didn't really pull through and only lasted for about one post.

So now I decided to take this point back up again -- and commit myself to write Self-Forgiveness on words every day -- unless a specific point opens up during my day, then that point will have priority.

I basically start at the beginning of a dictionary and start reading the listed words. Whenever I come across a word where I have a reaction or memories popping up - I stop at that word, and take time to write out Self-Forgiveness on the points that opened up while reading the word. In this manner, I can work systematically through points and purify my vocabulary, and within that purify my inner reality -- as all this consists of is words.


So - Here I go

abandon
Upon reading this word the following reactions happened:
- Negative Feeling
- Fear
- Memory of Guinea Pig


Negative Feeling
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a 'negative value' to the word 'abandon'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given 'abandon' a negative connotation within and as me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection between the word 'abandon' and the emotional charge of 'fear'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'abandonment' / 'being abandoned' is something which should be feared
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'abandoned' as a bad thing

 When and as I see myself react to the word 'abandon' or 'abandonment' within a negative feeling -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am merely accessing a preconceived idea about 'abandon' / 'abandonment' from past memories. I see and realise that these ideas are not real and that my experience is simply indicating to me that there are still memories existent within me of which I haven't yet let go in relation to 'abandon' / 'abandonment'. Thus -- I will take it up on myself to investigate why I still react within a negative way to the word and take the necessary steps to release myself from this form of limitation.


I now for the first time read the actual definition of 'abandon' in the dictionary, and what is fascinating is that while I was reading it I found it to actually be a 'supportive' word --- whilst all the ideas and feelings I have around the word have a 'bad vibe' around it:


1 a : to give up to the control or influence of another person or agent b : to give up with the intent of never again claiming a right or interest in ‹~ property›
2: to withdraw protection, support, or help from ‹he ~ed his family›

If I look at it -- within me 'abandon' always stood for something where ''you're on your own now'' -- and feeling helpless. But now reading this definition I can see how abandoning something or someone or being abandoned can actually be a point of support -- as it forces one into a position to stand alone and see how one copes without the support (or perceived support which is actually a form of dependency) one is so habituated to.

Fear
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'abandonment'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing on my own
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a necessary connection between 'abandon'/'abandonment' and 'fear of loss'
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that 'abandonment' can be a point of support where I have the opportunity to find out for myself where I stand when a particular point in my environment is removed -- and to investigate who I am within this new situation. Am I still the same or have I changed, and if I feel changed -- why so?
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to embrace 'abandonment' as me, as self-support and assistance

When and as I see myself going into an emotional reaction of fear when being faced with the word/point of 'abandonment' -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am accepting and allowing myself to enter into an automated response which I did not direct myself. Thus I direct myself stop participating within fear and bring myself back here, within breath. I see and realise that there is no need to fear 'abandonment' as this would imply separation. Instead, I move myself to investigate why I went into a fear reaction as this indicates to me that there are still points within myself from which I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself. I then take it up on myself to investigate this points and embrace them as me.

Helplessness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a necessary connection between 'abandon' / 'abandonment' and 'helplessness'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'being abandoned' necessarily implies 'being helpless'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'abandoning another' necessarily implies 'leaving them in a state of helplessness'.

When and as I see myself going into an emotional state of 'helplessness' upon hearing or seeing the word 'abandon / abandonment' -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am merely accessing an idea about abandonment based on past memories. I do not accept and allow myself to let my past and my past experience direct me. I thus move myself to let go of these memories and bring myself back here, within breath.

I will lay out the Memory and Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements for the Memory in my next blog as this is going to be more extensive.







Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Vocabulary is the Key to Self-Expansion


I always thought that Economy was boring and that I just had to stay away from it.

In my first year of High School there wasn’t much choice in terms of what you could study. The main course most of the students would go for had economy – I did Latin. I heard that Economy was stupid, boring and that it had math.

In general I had already created the idea that everything money related ‘out there in the world’ – was very complicated and boring. Mainly because whenever I had gotten into contact with it, I simply did not understand it. So my main reaction was: just stay away from it.

In later years I never went on a pursuit to understand our economic system or how our world operates, I had closed that door with my judgments.

Only later as I got involved with Desteni and the Equal Money Proposal, it got to me that I do not have any clue of how or money system works and how the world operates.
Yes I could see that something was wrong as I could observe poverty on the news, homeless people in the city. But I had no actual idea of how these manifestations came about. I saw them as one of the many ‘facts of life’ which I did not question at all.

So when Desteni came up with the Equal Money point, I got a bit grumpy because now I had to go and investigate money. I saw myself as very ‘money illiterate’ – I had only recently gotten my own bank account and bank card which I only has used like once lol. Throughout my life I was always taken care of by my parents and received some pocket money that was mine to spend.

I thought of myself as being incapable of researching a point like this and whenever I made an attempt I could not understand what was being discussed because the terms they used was not part of my vocabulary. I simply gave up.

We fast forward a bit more.

I am now living at the Desteni Farm and all the girls have decided to study at University.

It was kind of tacitly agreed upon that all of us were going to study psychology. Then when registration came closer I asked myself “Is this really what I want to study?”. I went to the university’s website and checked out what other curriculum they offered. One of them caught my eye. It was a study in Politics, Philosophy and Economy. Politics and Economy were very unknown to me but I could see the importance of Politics and Economy within the context of establishing World Equality and an Equal Money System. I had gotten Philosophy in High School and Gabriel, my elder brother had studied philosophy at University and I was always enjoyed what he had to share about what he had learnt over the weekend.

I had already read quite a bit on Psychology and whenever I had gotten Religion in high school it was more psychology than anything else.

I also figured that just because I had allowed myself to see myself as ‘not an economy person’ - that this should not hold me back. I saw that money was important to research so I willed myself to be interested in it lol.

From that perspective this course seemed quite challenging and it was something ‘new’. The description for the study said that it would equip the student with critical thinking skills within the area of politics and economy and work towards identifying problems and providing solutions. This seemed perfect for me in relation to the establishment of an Equal Money System.

I discussed this with Maite (my sister) and she said she was actually also not much interested in Psychology and seemed happy that I had found this other course. So we ended up both registering for this one instead.
Whereas I had previously always loved philosophy, it was an absolute pain in the*ss. The module was one big mess that made no (common) sense at all and I realized how delusional I had been in the past towards philosophy. Politics and Economy on the other hand are the subjects that I’ve enjoyed the most!

I am very glad that I decided to push through my resistance of getting to know our money system better. In a short period of time I’ve enabled myself to grasp and process such much more within my world.

Even now I can see how when I was small I got scared looking at certain things just because I didn’t understand, I did not have the vocabulary to grasp what was going on.

I remember very clearly for instance, that when I was still a toddler in school (and all we did was play all the long) we had to go into a classroom of the kids that were6-7 years old. I was standing in front and started looking at one of the books that was lying open on one of the kid’s desk. It had some weird figures on it and number and I went “WTF whas that!” inside myself. I looked at the kids whose book it was and he had a very sad face. I went into anxiety as I was thinking about how one day I will be sitting in that kid’s position having that book open in front of me and having to understand it.

Later when the moment came and I was that kid – we got to the particular page in the book that I had seen a few years back and the figure and numbers were completely clear to me! I thought it was very funny that I had been so scared, as it was just a matter of learning new words (and figures) to be able to understand what was going on. Then throughout primary school I was scared of high school because what I had seen my brother and sister study was completely unknown to me. Again when I got there myself it all made sense.

Then throughout high school I feared university and now that I’m at university I see that there’s nothing to be scared about lol (again).

In essence – the difficulty level of primary school, high school and university = are exactly the same. The only thing that changes is vocabulary. Anyone can learn anything as long as you learn all the words, it’s really just that simple.