Day 196: Irresistible Urge to Resist and Rebel

I’ve been looking at a point where someone will say or ask me something – and where the words they speak ‘make sense’, but it just feels like something’s ‘off’ about it – and I immediately want to protest/rebel against what it is they are saying or asking – not because of the words spoken but simply because of the ‘vibe’ or ‘energy’ it carries. And the reaction is like immediate, like NO, I do NOT agree/ I DO NOT want to do that – as a reaction to kind of “shake” the energy off of me, like it’s disgusting lol.

It reminds me of when my mom would ask me to clean my room. It didn’t bother me that she asked me to clean my room – that made sense, but it would be the way she asked, like you can sense there’s something hidden behind it which was just all off and it didn’t want to have anything to do with it. Back then I thought I was merely ‘rebelling’ towards my parents as ‘authority’ but I actually didn’t have a clue why I experienced myself that way and why I was reacting and just DID NOT want to do what she asked me to do lol.

So I got now that when people talk, there’s a lot more information crossing the room besides just the words spoken – there’s a whole resonance/energy component that I had previously never look at or considered – which was what I was picking up on whenever I would react to my parents demands. It was not because they were not being rational that I would not want to do what they asked, but because I could sense that their starting point was not cool. And this can be pretty confusing because all you know is that there’s something ‘off’ about what someone is saying to you but when you try to pinpoint what it is that’s exactly off about it, you’re kind of grasping at air and that would leave me wiggly/unstable – because I have this experience inside me but I can’t explain it and I have no ‘proof’ so to speak that I can put forward to explain why I do not want to comply to the request.

So this started happening recently, where someone would ask me something simple to do and I would get like a buzzing feeling where for some reason I don’t want to do it. I got confused because I looked at the words and the words made sense – so why was I experiencing myself this way? I brushed it off, thinking that I must be projecting something unto the other person and should just disregard the experience and work on ‘not wanting to do things’ or something like that. But it didn’t stop, each time the same person would ask me something and it would have that ‘vibe’ to it, I’d buzz – and I’m like what the fuck??!!! What is going on??

This would happen over and over again, buzz by buzz and in the end I would actually end up getting seriously annoyed with the other whenever this happened.

So then I looked at how the person spoke the words, the energy it had to it and put myself in the other person’s shoes. If I’d speak/ask something that way with that ‘vibe’ with it – what is creating that vibe? So then I got that if I would be speaking/asking things this way, that there was a point of morality/fairness involved – where I would ask someone to do something not because it makes sense, but cause of some idea of fairness/morality and where I do not even know that I am participating within fairness/morality because in my mind it ‘makes sense’. So even though the message makes sense, the starting point is off – and because it’s coming from an idea of fairness/morality which has been justified through “reasoning” – it’s hard to catch that there’s something off about it, because from the outside looking at it, it makes sense .This was then later also confirmed where this point opened up in a conversation where the person could see they where coming from a fairness point in how they would do certain things and I was glad to know I wasn’t going crazy lol.

So what was interesting with this whole experience is how little we know about ourselves, communication and how to deal with particular experiences. I mean, as a kid I had the exact same experience, and the only thing I could do that somehow made sense was to resist, protest and rebel without really even knowing why – it just ‘felt like the right thing to do’. But what happens then is that you’re just playing a reactive game where say my mom is being reactive within how she asks me to clean my room and then I react in protest and rebellion which in turn she can use to justify why she is reacting the way she is and strengthen her belief point to which I will then react even more and before you know it you’ve got a little snowball turned into a massive ball of snow causing an avalanche of reactions – because both sides just feed it and feed it and feed it to no resolve.

So this was now also kind of happening where because initially I did not know how to deal with my experience, I would internalize it and basically make a mind point out of it as I didn’t know how to direct it so it was just kind of stuck inside of me and then I would start back chatting about it and then that’s how the annoyance would grow. Where in the beginning I would brush it away but the experience kept re-occurring and the irresistible urge to just not comply/rebel was getting seriously huge. So now I know that if I experience myself this way to simply ask like ‘Hey, why are you asking me this way’ and to open up the point and if I am just projecting cool, then I know and sort myself out and if not then cool, it’s out in the open and I don’t have to sit with this experience that has got no-where to go and who knows the person might find some assistance in it.

Because I was more and more leaning into the not complying/rebelling point but I saw this also did not make sense because this will also just strengthen any already existent reaction within another / give them more reason to do what they are doing -- but I also saw that I could not just ‘do nothing’’ -- which is why I decided to write this blog to get some clarity and it did lol.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to follow…

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• Day 316: Sensitive Souls - How to Face Success
• Reacting - Revenge of the Ego - Day 283
• Day 261 - The Pattern of Who I Am Part 9
• Day 195: Giving up on Myself - No More Head in the Clouds
• Day 194: Giving up on Myself - Idea of Roughness

Day 135: Stopping the Pattern

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear

When and as I see myself receiving an aggravated reply from someone and react to this input within anxiety and fear – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am accepting and allowing myself to let energy determine who I am both within and without and so I commit myself to breathe and ground myself within and as my human physical body until the energy dissipates

When and as I see myself reacting to me experiencing fear and anxiety as a reaction to receiving an aggravated reply from someone – within wanting to go into the point of ‘it’s better not to speak’ or ‘I could have avoided this if I didn’t speak’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that ‘not speaking’ is merely circumventing the issue which is myself and my acceptance and allowance of fear and anxiety to exist within and as me and allow it to determine who I am and the direction I take and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and ground myself as my human physical body -- let go of the thought and commit myself to work through the fear and anxiety within self-responsibility

When and as I see myself believing that my reaction as ‘it is better not to speak’ from a starting point of fear is justifiable within the belief that ‘it was the only logical conclusion/step to take’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the event could have gone different ways and do not accept and allow myself to defend my self-limitation within protecting my existence as fear and anxiety and so I commit myself to stop this backchat/justifications and face my fear

When and as I see myself access the belief / thought that particular traits/characteristics of personality just ‘happened’ to me where I did not have any control or say in how I adopted these attitudes – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have made the decision as a reaction to adopt these personality traits such as being shy/timid as a coping mechanism where I deliberately integrated these points within myself to protect my existence as fear and not question who I am and the world around me and so I commit myself to not take any beliefs for granted as beliefs of personality where I think that they just ‘happened’ to me and to walk these points out into specificity so that I can see/realise/understand how I have come to be this way and let go of these patterns of limitation

When and as I see myself access the belief that ‘not speaking’ is the only possible ‘solution’ to being faced with conflict/friction – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is not a solution but a reaction based within fear and so I commit myself to disregard my backchat as ‘don’t speak’ and to ground myself within and as my human physical body and face the conflict/friction unconditionally and trust myself to be able to assess within the moment what would be the best direction to take

When and as I see myself reacting to a person being aggravated within fear and anxiety upon seeing the particular energy as conflict/friction being emanated from the person within believing/perceiving that this energy is bigger/more than me and placing myself within a position of less than/smaller as self-victimization and self-imposed inferiority – believing that I cannot handle such energy/such a situation – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am merely reacting and that it is my reaction as fear and anxiety which poses a problem to me effectively moving and directing myself and so I commit myself to stop my energetic experience of fear and anxiety towards energy of conflict/friction and ground myself within and as my human physical body and re-assess the situation from a common sense perspective

When and as I see myself reacting to conflict/friction within my environment within ‘weighing off’ my options as ‘should I not speak and avoid conflict/friction’ or ‘should I push through my fear and speak’ – where I want to opt for the fastest and shortest way out of conflict/friction – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have scripted such an escape-route pattern within and for myself as a coping mechanism to conflict/friction within my childhood where I did not understand what was going on and how to deal with both myself and the other and within my confusion decided to just ‘shut down’ as the easiest way to deal with the situation and took on the personality of ‘shy’ / ‘timid’ in order to avoid conflict/friction and thus never allowing myself to effectively face and walk through the point of conflict/friction and so I commit myself to stop this pattern of hiding and to speak when I see I can speak regardless of fear and anxiety as a statement of self-value and self-appreciation

Related articles

• Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
• Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
• Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
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• Day 228 - Working, the physical and emotion Part 1

Arguments within Agreements

The first year that I was in an Agreement with Gian, our Agreement revolved around one thing: Self-Forgiveness. Most of our discussion ended up in misunderstanding, disagreements and fights.
When we’d both cool down and look at each person’s “side of the story” – we could see where the other was coming from and “where it all went wrong”. It’s amazing how assumptions, opinions and ideas can create this whole “alternate universe” right then and there as your having a conversation with your partner – and your partner is also participating in his or her own “alternate universe” and none of the two are actually participating in the only universe that matters, the physical one right here.
So the first year (more year and a half) – we applied Self-Forgiveness, a lot of it. This was exactly because of these ‘alternate realties’ we’d create inside ourselves and then project unto the other person. Only after we went through this phase – the deconstruction phase – we were able to actually start communicating and hearing each other. And the Self-Forgiveness we did, was never about the other person – we’d simply each time take the point back to ourselves, apply Self-Forgiveness and then that’s that.

In the beginning we were very easily tempted to “point out each other’s dishonesties” and to “stand up” (well play out an ‘idea’ of what it means to “stand up”) but then all we’d do was point fingers at each other, get angry / hurt and not get one foot further. See, in the initial stage of an Agreement, there’s just no way that you can immediately effectively assist the other by “pointing things out” because you’ve got so much shit of yourself that is filtering and moulding your perception of the other – that you never get a clear picture of what is actually going on – and that most likely, your just projecting your own shit. So once you realise this point – you’re ready to get somewhere lol.
 
Before I was in the Agreement I am currently in with Gian, I thought that I was pretty stable and was easily able to assist myself in terms of dealing with my inner world. Because of that, I had created an idea about myself that “I was pretty stable” and that thus the Agreement should go pretty smooth. Boy, was I wrong! LOL – all those ‘issues’ and ‘points’ that I had worked through in my Process while walking ‘alone’ suddenly looked very bleak and small compared to what I was facing within the Agreement. Sometimes it looked like the end just wouldn’t come in sight and every day was just a struggle within myself to get through the day without getting each other all agitated. But whatever happened , we just stuck to the basics: breathe, forgive, don’t give up.
And then, one day it suddenly hit me: I’m not struggling anymore.
Our agreement was effortless.
So whenever you find yourself in an Argument with your Partner take note to a) Not take it personal (god, if you do this, you’ll make things very hard for yourself) and b) to realise – that mostly when you are having an Argument, YOU’RE BOTH WRONG!!!.
The moment you see /realize that you (and your partner) are wrong, you’ll find that it’s very easy to stop and give up the argument because you’re not fighting to be proven right = there’s suddenly nothing to win and then all of a sudden your actual starting point within the fight will be clear for both parties to investigate (mostly just ‘I am right, you are wrong, lemme steal your energy so I can feel goooooood).

Ok that’s it for now.

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The Principle of Economy... Or what it Ought to Be

The other day I was watching one of the DVD’s that goes with my Economy module for this Semester and an interesting point opened up.

The guy in the video was explaining how the ‘basic’ Principle of Economy in essence works with three point:

1.     We have a certain amount of limited resources.

2.     There’s a certain amount of Beings that require these resources

3.     How do we get those resources to those Beings?

But now the interesting thing is that in real life this is not really how it works.
Instead it follows the following Principe:

1.     We have a certain amount of limited resources

2.     There’s a certain amount of Beings that require these resources

3.     Not everyone can pay for these resources

4.     How do we get the resources to the people that can pay for the resources

So – we’re not looking at basic common sense practicality where you know if a child were to set up an economy it would look at “okay how much is there of this, there’s so many that need it, how do I get to there’. That seems to be the most simply way of dealing with the situation.

Though in reality this is not how it is applied . No, instead we’re playing a game of win and lose where if you have money you are part of the winners and if you have none well then you’re not even a loser, you don’t even have the privilege to ‘play’ the game.

So how did it get this far that we allow basic points such as the allocation of basic resources that everyone needs be directed by only money. Why does money decide where what goes? Why can’t we just decide from a starting point of Common Sense and what is best for all?

Obviously the solution is already outlined in the initial principle mentioned – but since we are in a current World System that works with Money to move every single point – the only possible way to correct this “mistake” is to give everyone Equal Money! Because – if everyone has Equal Money then everyone can access the Basic Resources = Problem solved!

Also – if we have a look at the current System and what our “limited resources” are being used for = it’s a whole lot of bunch of CRAP: technology with an expiry date, shoes that fall apart in a matter of months, clothes that look pretty but require a manual for you to know how to put it on, make up, shampoo, food that is not food – basically most of the things that you see in your everyday mall are products of consumerism that support the profit making money game. They have no other practical use whatsoever.

So instead of moaning about ‘our limited resources’ and ‘we’re gonna have to up the prices, because the resources are getting more scarce’ – we should have a look at what we are spending our precious resources on and if it is really worth it. Because if I look at all the crap in this world that is being produced – 98% is all just for profit – where foods are being produced in masses and get thrown away, where there’s hundreds and thousands of designs and brands for a single object, just so you can have your ‘choice’. It’s too much and we don’t need it.

So Imagine in an Equal Money System, where we stop wasting our resources on useless crap – just imagine what is possible and what future we can secure for those still to come.

Support Effective Use of Resources - Support an Equal Money System!