Day 87: Waking Up from a Dream

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 83: Sweet! I can get Angry now
Day 84: Vengeance is Mine 
Day 85: No More Grudges 
Day 86: I'm Never going to Talk to you Again! 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was small and got angry at my family, to go and write their name down in a little book under ‘people who I am never going to talk to again’ – as a to achieve ‘payback’ for the experience which I took personal and blamed them for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that writing down people’s name in a book under ‘people I am never going to talk to again’ – was an actual solution to my experience / how I felt in relation to family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘not ever talking to people again’ was a solution to me feeling bad / offended / embarrassed / ridiculed – while it was clear that I would not be able to maintain “commitment” and that this in no way altered the nature of me and how I reacted to others within embarrassment / ridicule

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gotten angry when it was pointed out to me how ridiculous my ‘coping mechanism’ was – where instead of seeing and realising that it is ridiculous/not working and actually investigating my experience and how it came about – I only got more angry and went further into blame

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let go of anger / feeling wronged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have specified my ‘blackbook’ technique, whereby I no longer placed people’s names in an actual physical book and promise that I would “never talk to them again” – but instead placed them in my ‘mental’ blackbook and made a note to exploit any future event that I can where I can make them feel bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gotten angry when I woke up from a dream where my sister killed my guinea pig and believed that this dream was telling me something about my sister as ‘who she really is’ – where I went into anger and hate and held on to it for several days, within the belief that she actually killed my guinea pig and that she was the actual cause for the experience of anger and hate within me – without seeing and realising that it was all me as all these points only ever took place in a dream, MY dream – and so I am the creator and the slave of my own creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken the dream where my sister killed my guinea pig and used it as an excuse/justification as to why it is ‘okay’ to hate her – as my dream had “shown” me what a bitch she really is, and so it is totally okay to hate her and be mean to her

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the dream was actually telling me the opposite, where it is not okay and justifiable to hate / be angry at my sister as everything that happened within the dream was of my own doing / creation as well as how I experienced myself within the dream and after the dream upon waking up – where the dream was showing me that even with my actual sister being removed from the picture, I will still end up creating the same scenarios for myself and creating the same experiences – and thus it was up to me to investigate these experiences and find out how they came about and how I can correct them

When and as I see myself wanting to place people’s names into my mental ‘blackbook’ for future payback – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am deflecting from the actual issue within focusing all my attention unto others – and so I commit myself to bring the point back to myself and investigate the point for which I am blaming another and correct it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself believing that payback is an actual solution – other than making me feel better – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am seeking / reaching for a quick fix, where I want to ‘feel better’ about myself without having to actual look at how I created my experience for myself and so I commit myself to stop, breathe – bring myself here as my human physical body and commit myself to investigate how my reaction / pattern got triggered and re-pattern myself within alignment of what is best for all life

When and as I see myself making commitment/promises that I cannot possible keep – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am making these promises/commitments from the starting point of energy as they are not practical within the realm of the physical and so I commit myself to stop, investigate the nature of myself starting point and correct myself

When and as I see myself going into an emotional charge of being angry or feeling wronged – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that it does not serve me, nor anyone else, to hold on to these emotions and so I commit myself to within a singular breath let go of the energy, ground myself here as my human physical body – and walk

When and as I see myself waking up from a dream where something happened and I took someone’s behaviour in my dream personal – and then modify/change my behaviour towards this person in actual physical reality ‘as if’ they really did it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this experience is revealing to me the extent that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my experience and within that I commit myself to use this as an opportunity to take responsibility for my inner experience and to investigate what the specific person represents within me and walk the point within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself having had a dream about a particular person which re-enforces my already existent idea about that person which I act out on within my waking time – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have created an idea/opinion about another which requires serious sorting-out and so I commit myself to investigate the ideas/beliefs/perceptions I have created around a specific person and bring these points back to myself within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself waking up from a dream within a particular state of energy – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this only further re-confirms that I am the creator of my own experiences and so I commit myself to take responsibility for my inner reality and to dissect whatever dream I just had as this dream obviously revealed to me a pattern to be investigated, as the dream indicate a point where I am still allowing myself to be directed by energy

Related articles

• Day 84: Vengeance is Mine
• Day 85: No More Grudges
• Day 86: I'm Never going to Talk to you Again!
• Day 114: The Dream Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2
• Day 78: Self-Rejection
• Day 50: Here -- Yet Lightyears away

Day 86: I'm Never going to Talk to you Again!

This blog is related to:
Day 83: Sweet! I can get Angry now
Day 84: Vengeance is Mine 
Day 85: No More Grudges 

As I was writing out my blog yesterday, two memories popped up in relation to the point I was working on.

The first one, was in relation to taking things personal and wanting to get 'payback' for my experience. Specifically, how I saw how I would 'mentally' put people on my 'blacklist' / 'blackbook' as a reminder that those people deserve payback.

When I was small and I just started being able to write, I kept a little colouring book in my drawer. In this colouring book, I would keep a list of all the people I would never talk to again, as a way to 'get back' at them.

This list mostly consisted of my family members and maybe some people at school.

I would for instance get really angry at my brother or sister, where something happened and I felt embarrased/ridiculed -- and then I would get all red in the face and say "I'm never going to speak to you again!!!" I would then run up the stairs to my room, take out my little bookie and write their name on the list.

To my "surprise", I would usually find their name already being written at the bottom of the list, upon which I only got angries because that meant that at some point in the past they had already 'done something unto me', where I told myself as was not ever going to talk to them again in response to that -- and that I had forgotten about it / did not stick to my commitment of not talking to them again -- which then obviously showed that my little 'technique' wasn't working at all and was completely useless. I would however still write their name down and move on with my day.

Then, for instance 15 min later, I would walk down the stairs and pass my brother who was busy on the pc, asking me what the time was -- and I'd reply something like "It's 3.15". He'd then get a grin on his face and go "HA-HA" (kind of like Nelson in the Simpsons) -- and then what just happened would dawn upon me: I just talked to him!

I'd get angry instantly, and go "I HATE YOU!!!!" -- while obviously I was angry at myself because I was embarrased that I'd just broken the promise that I was never going to talk to him again, which showed to be a ridiculous thing to do as I couldn't practically set myself up to never talk to my brother again, as we lived in the same household and I actually quite liked him / spend time with him in general.

What's also interesting was that I had actually forgotten all about the even 15 min after it happened, where I was just normal within walking down the stairs and telling him the time, until he pointed out that I just broke my own promise. Which means that in essense, whatever happened was never really a big deal, but that how I decided to deal with was just not a practical way of dealing with things, which then backfired at myself.

Within this memory 'popping up', it was also interesting to see how previously when working on my other blogs, and the point of 'putting people in my blackbook' opened up -- that I actually really used to do this, in terms of writing out their names as "I'm never going to speak to you again". Where this 'technique' proved to be innefective, and as I got older, I perfected my technique my 'blacklisting' them inside my mind, as making a mental note for later in the future to take any opportunity that I can to make them feel bad -- which actually worked in contrast to "not ever speaking to someone again". Obviously, it didn't "actually" work -- where yes, I got my revenge/payback but the actual point as the source/origin of my problems as how I experienced myself was never sorted out, as this never had anything to do with them.

The other memory which 'popped up', was in relation to the point/belief that other people cause/create experiences inside ourselves.

Here, I had dreamt that my sister had killed my guinea pig, and I was completely devastated and angry that she had killed him. I woke up right after the dream, and the first thing I saw as I opened my eyes, was my sister sleeping on the other side of the room. And I remember squeezing my eyes together and thinking "You bitch, you killed my guinea pig-- you are going to pay for this". Where I believed that because I dreamt that she had killed my guinea pig, that it was 'as if' she actually killed my guinea pig -- which was obviously not true. For the next few days, I would be distant around my sister and squeeze my eyes at her from time to time to show that point of "I remember what you did..." So here, what this experience/event actually shows, is that people DO NOT cause/create experience inside oneself -- as my dream clearly indicated. Because at that time it was quite clear that dreams are my own creation, as in they exist isolated in my mind, and so whatever happens there and whatever I experience -- is of my own doing/creation. But instead of using this event as an opportunity to see/realise that any experience inside myself is of my own doing -- I used it as another/excuse justification as to why it is 'okay' and 'justifiable' for me to hate my sister -- and thus why it is 'okay' and 'justifiable' to blame other people and not take self-responsibility for one's inner reality.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to Follow

Related articles

• Day 84: Vengeance is Mine
• Day 85: No More Grudges
• Day 78: Self-Rejection
• Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
• Day 83: Sweet! I can get Angry now
• Day 17: Betrayal - Anger and Me - Part 2
• Day 20: Angry People - Anger and Me - Part 5
• Day 29: Fear of Speaking - Part 1
• Day 114: The Dream Character Self Forgiveness Statements

Day 85: No More Grudges

 This blog is related to:
Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie
Day 78: Self-Rejection
Day 79: What Have I Done?
Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2
Day 83: Sweet! I can get Angry now
Day 84: Vengeance is Mine
 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when I make a mistake and someone makes a big deal about it -- where I already feel bad about what I did / what happened and where the other person's reaction as being angry further intensifies the experience of self-judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the other person who is making a big deal within believing that it is their fault that the experience inside myself as self-judgment is escalating -- and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise responsibility within seeing, realising and understanding that I am the creator of my experience as emotion, feelings and thoughts and as such the other person is not creating or placing the experience within me, as I am the one creating, accessing the experience within me as what was already here, where the other merely functioned as a trigger within that moment and opened up the latent experience inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is unfair that another makes a big deal about me having made a mistake within getting angry at me -- without seeing and realising that I am the one creating the experience of 'feeling bad' as self-judgment within and as me, and thus I am in fact the one treating myself 'unfairly' within prioritizing making myself feel bad instead of looking at the practical correction which is required to take place / integrated within and as me to ensure that such mis-take does not re-occur again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the other person when I have made a mistake and a big deal is being made, where I take the other person's words, tonality, behaviour personal -- and make myself feel even worse about myself -- where I accept and allow myself to 'take note' of this event as in 'flagging it for future reference' as putting them in my imaginary mind 'black book' of people that require payback -- where instead of looking at the mistake as what happened for it to occur and investigating the nature of my inner experience -- I am making it all about 'them' and 'what they did to me' within making a big deal and me taking it personal, where I create a grudge against them which I carry with me to one day use against them

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise the complete ridiculousness of getting angry at someone for having made a big deal about something, where self took this personal and further intensified the experience of self-judgment inside self -- which clearly indicate that the experience was already existent/present before the other did anything -- and so it is completely ridiculous to direct one's frustration towards another as 'I'll remember what you did to me and one day you're going to pay for it" -- as in essence they had nothing to do with the experience inside myself but only for a moment played the role of trigger to reveal to myself what was already existent within me as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and hold grudges when people say/do something and I take it personal where I further intensify my already existent experience and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this grudge should be directed as myself within creating horrible experiences for myself which are completely unnecessary and so I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility for my experiences as grudges and see/realise how they are in fact related to me and that this indicate that I require to investigate the nature of my relationship with self as holding grudges towards oneself obviously constitutes a problem

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that at any point where I experience a thought, emotion or a feeling as a reaction to what another says or does -- that this is me creating the experience as thought, feeling or emotion within me and that there is thus no point blaming/projecting possible

When and as I see myself taking a point personal, where I made a mistake and felt bad about it and another made a big deal about it within getting angry about it and react to this within perpetuating the experience of self-judgment -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise the movement of intensified experience has got nothing to do with the other person but is me intensifying my own experience as what was already existent within me -- and so I commit myself to stop the belief/perception/idea that my experience is caused by another person, I ground myself through breath within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself experiencing an intensification of experience when another makes a 'big deal' about something I did as a mistake, and then as a response to that blame the other person within believing that how I feel as intensified experience is THEIR fault -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have throughout my life always blamed others for how I experience myself within the collective belief that we are not responsible/in control of our emotions and feelings -- where other people are 'mean' for instigating particular reactions within self -- all for the sake of avoiding self-responsibility. And so I commit myself to within that moment of wanting to move into blame: Stop and Breathe -- bring the point back to myself and investigate the nature of my experience as the self-judgment within having made a mistake and work through it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself within the moment of taking a person's behaviour personal as blame within believing that they are responsible for how I am experiencing myself, and within that want to 'make a note' as putting them in my 'black book' for future payback -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that what I am participating within is completely ridiculous and besides the point of the actual event, as me having made a mistake and requiring to look at how it manifested and what I can do to ensure that it doesn't happen again and so I commit myself to stop right there and let go of the grudge-creating and take the point back to myself and move myself to sort it out within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements as to take responsibility for my own experience

When and as I see myself wanting to create a grudge towards another -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this grudge is actually directed towards myself as it is directed to the apparent 'creator' of the experience -- which in fact is: ME -- and so I commit myself to sort out my relationship with myself within taking self-responsibility for my inner reality

I commit myself to re-pattern myself where I am used to immediately blame others for my inner experience -- change it to when and as I see myself reacting within thought, feeling or emotion as a reaction to something another says or does -- immediately hold the point and look at it from the perspective of my own creation -- where instead of me firs projecting it unto another, seeing what I am doing and then bringing it back to myself -- to right then and there within the moment of reaction see, realise, understand that it is me creating this experience for myself and thus I move myself to correct my experience and walk the point within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

Related articles

• Day 84: Vengeance is Mine
• Day 78: Self-Rejection
• Day 117: Self sabotaging Self Forgiveness
• Day 82: Self-Completion
• Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2

Day 83: Sweet! I can get Angry now

This blog is related to:

Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie
Day 78: Self-Rejection
Day 79: What Have I Done?
Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2

A few days ago Gian went to turn in our tablet because it wasn’t charging anymore. He took out the sim-card because it still had internet data on it that we could use on the farm while the tablet was getting fixed.

Then later, when I asked where the sim was, he couldn’t find it – he’d lost it.

When I realised that he had made a mistake, I saw it was no big deal. He’d lost the sim, we’d get a new one and transfer the data, and then he won’t make the mistake again. But then there was this other side, which was going “Sweet, now I can get all angry at him and make a big deal about it for all those times when he’s gotten mad at me for making a mistake”. But then I looked at the thought and saw that this just made no sense at all, I’d rather not make a big deal out of it, and just sort it out as that’s what I would like for myself – so that I don’t create a situation of ‘fear of making mistakes’ – but rather just walk through the consequence of having to go to town and paying for a new sim and transfer and then that’s a nice reminder to not lose simcards again lol.

When we were talking about what we were going to blog about, I shared with him what I wrote here, and then I saw how it was actually the exact same point I wrote about in Day 76, Day 77, Day 78, Day 79 and Day 80 – where I worked on the point of ‘doing unto another as has been done unto you’ – where in this case, I wanted to get angry – not because I was angry – but because I could get angry, where I reasoned that I could now get angry just so I could get back at Gian for all the times he’s gotten angry, where I perceived it as completely unnecessary and him just making a big deal out of it just for the sake of making a big deal out of it. So now that I saw that he’d lost the sim, and was a bit distressed about the thing – my mind went “Hmm, perfect moment to make a big deal where he can take it nice and personal”.

It was cool to just disregard the thoughts, because they were obviously stupid – and cool to see how this point of ‘getting back’ at people pops up in different ways with different faces.

So here specifically the points of ‘getting back’ stood out, and then the point where I wanted him to take it ‘nice and personal’ – which then reflects back to me that I still blame him for me having taken things personal in the past where he’d gotten angry at me for making mistakes.

Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements to Follow…

Related articles

• Day 20: Angry People - Anger and Me - Part 5
• Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2
• Day 16: Anger and Me - Introduction
• Day 18: Angry at the World - Anger and Me - Part 3
• Day 29: Fear of Speaking - Part 1
• Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
• Day 59: What are you Laughing at?
• Day 51: Shocking Sounds
• Day 114: The Dream Character Self Forgiveness Statements

Day 79: What Have I Done?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie
Day 78: Self-Rejection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I saw my nephew do the exact same thing when I was younger, as in laughing at things on the same show without knowing what exactly was funny about it – have seen this as the ‘perfect opportunity’ to get back for myself what I perceived had been ‘stolen from me’ – where I felt like it was now my turn / time to be in a superior position, and decided to ‘catch him out’ in what he was doing, the same way as how my siblings had done to me – where I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was my ‘right’ to do this and that it was now my turn to make someone else feel bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have caught out my nephew in what he was doing as laughing at things where he didn’t really know what he was laughing at – from the starting point of ‘getting back’ at my brother and sister through making my nephew feel bad – where I went and stole his energy for the sake of compensating the energy I had lost when I was smaller when the same thing happened with my siblings and me – where I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was now ‘getting even’ within catching out my nephew in what he was doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have caught out my nephew in what he was doing as laughing at things there he didn’t really know what he was laughing at – without for a moment considering how this would affect him even though I had experienced first-hand what I went through when it happened to me – where I only cared about getting an energy surge from catching him out on his pretence and within that feel all high and mighty within having busted him for something I could clearly see he was not comfortable with (in terms of not getting the humour) – where I felt so clever for having picked up on this and having caught him out so I could make myself feel better about myself within making him feel worse about himself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just have gone ‘with it’ when seeing the opportunity to gain back the energy I once lost as a child – where I immediately went, ‘yes, yes – this is what I must do let me do this’ in an almost “Gollum” like way, being single-mindedly focused on getting my precious energy back without considering the consequence of my actions or how my actions would influence the other person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been shocked at what I was seeing as the expression on my nephew’s face after I had ‘caught him out’ – as all of a sudden I found myself being faced with myself all those years ago and it was as if I was staring myself in the face – and the face was hurt, where I felt like I had cheated on myself within doing unto him what had been done unto me without for a moment considering that for me to feel good, I would have to make him feel bad – which was exactly how it played out/what happened – but then as I was faced with his expression I only too late realised the ‘reality’ of what I had done, where I had been so concerned/obsessed with only my own personal “wellbeing” that I completely forgot/disregarded how I had felt when it had been done unto me – and so I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to within that moment where I saw the opportunity to do unto another as had been done unto me – to have stopped within the realisation that I did not like what had happened, and that it would thus be hypocritical / a lie to do it unto another, and within that moment stop participating within the temptation of energy and ground myself back here within my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘after the facts’ as seeing the hurt expression on my nephews face and realising what I just had done – have gone and hide behind my mom because the realisation of what I had done was just too painful/uncomfortable to bear – as I had been very upset at my brother and sister for what they had done all those years ago and yet I now had placed myself in that exact same position – where I felt like I was completely evil and went into regret as shame and embarrassment for having cheated on myself within making my nephew feel how I did not want to feel – and where instead of looking at what I had done and what processes were involved to get to a point of accumulation where I acted out what had been done unto me and correcting myself – I went into hiding and suppression and try to forget what just had happened because I found myself too shocked/perplexed to handle what had just happened / what I had just done – where I went to hide behind my mom and kind of suck on my fingers/play with them in my mouth as a point of self-suppression instead of taking responsibility for what I had done – although I also see / realise / understand that I could only have done so much within not having been taught/educated on how the mind processes work and why I was tempted to do unto my nephew what had been done unto me – where at the same time I would have been able to use myself as a reference within the point of being aware that I was acting out a form of ‘payback’ and kind of in the back of my mind knowing that this was ‘not cool’ – where I could have stopped myself right then and there just on that point

Related articles

• Day 78: Self-Rejection
• Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
• Day 73: What do I feel like doing?
• Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie
• Day 68: My Mind, My Saviour