Day 54: Reading Sounds

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 51: Shocking Sounds
Day 52: Prelude – Don’t take anything for Granted
Day 53: I Am Robot

When I was young there was quite a bit of conflict in our house.

I’d be sitting in my room which was all the way in the attic and be busy doing stuff. Then I’d hear the front door open and hear the ‘loud bang’ of the door being closed. I’d start cringing inside myself because I ‘d know my dad was home. For the rest of the evening I would sit in my room and be on edge and listen carefully to the sounds in the house so I could be ‘prepared’ if any conflict were to arise. If nothing happened for that evening, I’d be edgy but after a while kind of forget about it. Some nights however, there would be loud noises coming from downstairs, where I could discern my parents arguing, but mostly my dad being very loud. My heart would start beating very fast and loud and I’d become all anxious because usually this meant that I / we (the kids) were in trouble. I’d either go and lock myself up in the toilet (because I reasoned that no-one can come and confront you / lash out on you if you’re on the toilet lol) or I would go and lie in bed with the sheets covering me completely, hoping I would fall asleep and just ‘block it out’. Other days I’d quietly open the door of the room and go sit on the stairs to see if I could hear what they were being loud about and ‘assess the damage’ so to speak. What I’d be looking out for most of the time was the movement of the sound through the house. I felt pretty bad when my dad was pissed off at us and taking it out to my mom while they were downstairs in the living room/kitchen/lounge – it was bad, but I could handle it, because at least then my dad was not ‘in my face’. The worst was when I would hear him go into the corridor. Then, things could go into two different directions: A) He was coming for us or B) he was going to the computer room which was one level below our room (me and my sister shared rooms at that point).

My dad is quite heavy and his steps on the stairs are very noticeable. The moment the door would open downstairs I’d get the hell away from the stairs and cower in my room. I would keep my breath in and carefully listen to the sounds on the stairs – doof, doof, doof – and then there was that one deciding moment where he would reach the level below us by the computer room, which was always the moment of suspense: was he gonna go into the pc room and play pc games – or was the sound going to continue indicating he was coming for us? He used also be a very heavy breather so you could also just hear his breath coming closer and closer.

When he’d go into the pc room I’d be soooo relieved – and if I heard the sounds continue/get closer/louder I’d practically pee my pants, wait for him to get to our room – he’d lash out and I’d just be petrified (and peeing my pants) and just wait out his episode. I never said anything and would just sit there and try hold my tears because I did not want to trigger anything which could escalate the situation.

So what’s interesting within this specific memory point is the dominant role ‘sound’ plays – where my entire beingness was tuned in and focussed towards sound only, and would assess the situation according to what sounds were in the house , the direction/movement of the sound and how loud/close it was. There was the door opening and closing, there was the screaming downstairs, there was the sound of the steps on the stairs, there was the breathing, there was the creaking of the pc-room door, there was the crescendo in sound as he’d be moving closer, …

Within that, my reactions and how I would experience myself were completely linked to all the various sounds, and as the sounds changed/progressed my experience would change/progress. So this is quite cool for me to see how I create this relationship with sound as ‘screaming’ – where I now become edgy/anxious whenever I hear the parrots scream – based on memories from probably over 10 years ago and the connections/relationships I formed then and there to particular sounds – which are now, all these years later still controlling and directing me.

Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements to Follow

Related articles

• The Sound within the Energy-Body of a Child - Part 2: DAY 105
• Day 51: Shocking Sounds
• The Science of Thought - Introduction: DAY 149
• Mind-Energy Filters in Children - Part 1: DAY 106

Day 39: What if something’s Wrong with Me?

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when noticing that my body is showing me signs of possible illness, go “Oh No! What if something’s wrong with me” inside myself – within the starting point of fear as fear of death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when noticing my body showing signs of illness, freak out and within my head look at all the possible disease/illnesses I may have as all the various different illnesses/diseases I know about
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within seeing that I might be sick, immediately connect and jump from ‘being sick’ to ‘DEATH’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative energy charge as emotion as fear to the point of ‘illness’ – whereby I will go and immediately expect the worst

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea about what it means to be ‘sick’ where I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an association with the word ‘sickness’ and ‘something’s wrong with me’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within seeing my body showing me that it is busy working through something, go into fear of ‘What if something’s wrong with me’ – and within that moment/thought statement place myself in a position of separation towards myself as the physical – within and as the belief that “if something’s wrong with my body I am fucked because I have no influence/reach there”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being unable to ‘fix’ my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my body slowly deteriorating in pain without me being able to do anything about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the moment of seeing that my body is working through something, go “I must find out what this is” within a starting point of fear – where I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I can put a label/name on what it is that is going on – that I will somehow have a better “grip” on things / have some form of “control”

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that “finding out what it is” as back chat is in fact a statement of separation, as I not for one moment considered to slow down and breathe, be here as my human physical body and see what’s going in – but instead will go to external sources such as internet/books to find ‘clues’ on what it is that is going on inside my body and within reading symptoms/possible disease – go into more fears as ‘What if it’s this?’, ‘What if it’s that one?’, ‘OH no, not that one please, that one’s lethal!!’ – lol – and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself up within a rollercoaster ride of fear and accumulate more fear within wanting to ‘find out’ what I have to gain a sense of control – instead of seeing and realising that ‘what I have’ is right here as myself – and that I can simply observe myself and how my body moves within working through whatever it is working through – and that if the signals do not subside by themselves within a relative short period of time, I can direct myself towards a doctor and ask for additional support while my body requires it

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that being in fear in relation to the possibility of being sick does not serve me – as all I am doing is giving and sending my body signals that ‘SOMETHING’s WRONG’ – whereby my body will start to adapt this signal as ‘status quo’ and move/change itself to match the signal of ‘SOMETHING’s WRONG’ – and so through my fear as thoughts, make myself sick and compromise my body

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the best thing I can do for my body when seeing / noticing that it is working through something – is to be here unconditionally within and as Breath within self-awareness as my human physical body – because when I am here as Breath, I am best up to date on my body’s process and how it is dealing with the particular point, and at the same time, through not being occupied within my mind – allow my body the space and time to process, as it is not being bombarded and distracted by thoughts as fear


When and as I see myself going “Oh no! What if something’s wrong with me” within seeing that my body is working through something – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that participating in fear creates only more fear and keeps me from practically being here, as my human physical body – as within entertaining myself with thought and fear I enter an alternate dimension within my mind which has no relation to what it is that my human physical body is experiencing – and as such I can completely dismiss/disregard any of the thought/emotion information as it is unreliable
Within that I commit myself to be here for myself as my human physical body and to net get carried away by fear upon seeing that my body may possibly be sick

When and as I see myself racing inside my head as all the thoughts of ‘what possible diseases I could have’ and accumulate more fear in relation to what my body is showing me – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that racing inside my head and accumulating fear is in no way whatsoever supporting my body within working through whatever it is working through
And so I commit myself to be Here within and as Breath when I see that I am entering a fear state – as I see and realise that the only way I can be of assistance of myself is if I am here as my human physical body and assist where I can

When and as I see myself jumping from one point to another as ‘sickness’ to ‘death’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I as my mind is going into overdrive where I am scaring myself to death and accumulate a self-fulfilling prophecy – as within being in fear I am not allowing myself to be here and make common sense decisions – and so within being in fear put my life at risk and as such participating in ‘fear’ is a very reckless thing to do and doesn’t assist self in any way whatsoever in relation to the point which is being faced
Within that I commit myself to investigate the fears and apply Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to release myself from these connections

When and as I see myself going into a negative energy charge as ‘fear’ in relation to seeing my body giving signs that it is working through something – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that any emotion/feeling/though about seeing what my body is doing is ‘making it something more than it is’ – and is in fact a form of hallucination wherein I am no longer able to trust myself as I am distorting the situation through my fears/beliefs/thoughts into something which it is not – and as such I cannot be trusted to make decision as I have biased myself
Within that I commit myself to identify all the biases I have created about seeing my body work through something so I can develop a relationship of self-trust and be in touch with Reality instead of a self-made Illusion up in my head

When and as I see myself going into thoughts such as “What if something’s wrong with me” within seeing my body work through things – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is no point speculating about what is going on inside me, and that all I can do is be Here as my Physical Body so I am in the best position to be aware of ‘what is going on’ and whether or not I require to take any action at any point
Within that I commit myself to be Here as Breath as the only point where I can be the directive principle

When and as I see myself entertaining myself with the belief that ‘I am powerless in the face of my body’ -- I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I AM my BODY and as such I cannot be powerless – we’ve just never been taught and assisted into realising that we are our bodies and so have been taught the practical skills with which one can assist and support self as the body as all the attention has always been on the Mind only
Within that I commit myself to be Here within and as Breath as my Human Physical Body and develop an actual relationship with and as my human physical body for the first time and find out what it means to be here in this Physical Reality for Real

When and as I see myself thinking “I must find out what this is” within an energetic charge of fear in relation to seeing that my body is working through something – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that me wanting to find out what is going on inside my body is not from a starting point of self-assistance and self-support in relation to myself as my body – but from the starting point of ‘easing my mind’ and as such there was not one iota of real consideration involved in relation to the well being of my human physical body – and so, within those moments, I stop myself, breathe – be here as my human physical body and re-asses the situation and commit myself to put my body FIRST through being HERE

When and as I see myself thinking ‘SOMETHING’s WRONG’ within an emotional charge of fear – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise I am in fact creating my fear through telling my body that something is wrong and within that actually ask my body to sabotage itself and align itself to the message I am sending – and within that I commit myself to investigate the nature of the signals I send to my body within being in the Mind and to stop all messages which are not Best for All (which is any message coming from the mind) and thus commit myself to be Here as my Human Physical Body as Real Attention and Actual Care as the Best Message I can send to my body as myself

Related articles

• Day 38: Being Sick is So BAD! Or is it?
• Day 37: What's Happening to Me?!
• Day 36: Self as Creator
• Interdimensional-Physical Relationships - Part 2: DAY 132
• Character Time Resonance Dimensions - Part 2: DAY 128

Day 29: Fear of Speaking - Part 1

Every once in a while I’ll go back and listen to my Tree of Life interview that was done five years ago – and every time (which is usually once a year lol) I watch it again, I’m just astonished at the accuracy of the information the being in the portal was sharing and how it is still after all these years: DEAD ON.
 

When I watched the interview for the first time, I remember not completely ‘getting it’ and going ‘Hmmm, okay…’ – but after about my first year in process I can really see how absolutely specific the points were which opened up, which only shows how completely unaware I used to be of my own existence and what I actually experience inside myself towards myself and the world in general. 

 One of the points mentioned in the interview was that of ‘Fear of Speaking’ and this is the point I want to take on (some more lol) within my next few blogs.

My fear of speaking basically comes from fear of conflict – where I want to say something but I won’t within the fear that the being will come at me and that I will get all emotional and not be able to produce a comeback – and where I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined this type of scenario ‘useless’ because then, even if I “speak my mind” the message would not have gone across and so I tell myself that I might as well not say anything because it’d just be a waste of time and I’d be embarrassing myself for nothing.

Then after the event has taken place and I decided to not speak my mind because of all these fears and ideas I have, I will go about and occupy my mind with the scenario, playing it over and over and over again, but this time with me “speaking my mind” and getting my message across and then also with me “speaking my mind” and the other person coming at me.

So this replay stuff inside my head then starts to accumulate and I actually start becoming angry within myself, angry at the person – and then as I keep on replaying it, it will suddenly just spiral out and all these other points will come up that I don’t like about that person and they will all just join up into one massive pile and be included in the whole replay session going on inside my head.  Then it either goes two ways: I get massive pains in my body and go ‘crap, what have I been doing’ (and this pain will usually only come later, after loooots and lots of accumulation) – or – I just get tired of all the bullshit in my head and stop myself before it gets to the pain part lol.

And it’s interesting how I will sabotage myself to just not get to the point of speaking. By the backchat focus being constantly on ‘the other person’ and getting all these other things involved ‘about the other person’ (and then repeating the same shit over and over)  -- I will in the end come to the point where I really believe that how I experienced myself in that moment and why I didn’t speak was all ‘because of that other person’ – where I now completely change and alter my memory of how things actually happened through backchat, that I fail to see that it was ME all along. It was ME who decided not to speak and the other person never, ever had anything to do with MY decision to not speak. Yet, somehow I will go and blame that person for me not speaking and how I experience myself which is completely disrespectful and unacceptable.

Another way I’ll sabotage myself is by telling myself that “since I have all this backchat and ‘mind-talk’ about the event that happened and the thing I wanted to say – it must mean that what I wanted to say wasn’t really relevant and so I shouldn’t bring it up at all and just forget about it!” – yes, very clever suppression/manipulation technique I developed there.

That reasoning is completely beside the point because the only reason why I am having this whole anger experience and backchat is because I suppressed speaking in the first place. The back chat was not about ‘what I wanted to say’, but about how I didn’t say anything, and within that moment not being true to myself -- and then me going into an experience of anger --  which is really me just being angry at myself for being untruthful towards myself -- while at the same time trying to deflect the point from myself through blaming others, having to go into an experience of physical pain before I will go and stop myself and ask: What the fuck am I doing?

It’s sad to see how us humans go into all this weird mind shit just we can hide from ourselves and make sure that we don’t ever change – it’s time to stop.

Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective / Commitment Statements to Follow